The Switchblade Mamma

by Lindsey Schussman

28.

  I was in and out of everything. I heard noises and faintly saw people, but could recollect nothing. I tried very hard not so much to focus on the mind, but rather to focus on my regenerative abilities. I had pains, fits that would rip me out of sleep. I would struggle and fight with anything that was near, only to find that my wrists were binded and I was simply confined to a bed. I would rage out, in crazy arguments with myself, screaming at nothing. My mind was quickly degrading and all I could see was death. In and out of madness, I tried to control the rage. In and out of madness, I could see once again, Asmodeus.

  He welcomed my insanity and embraced it. "So close to the goal my dear girl, but yet so far away." His chin was shaved and clear of whiskers, but he lightly itched it with his long fingernail. "You are halfway there. Alas, the monster shall be achieved. Remove all love and any parts of caring for your people and you shall totally be free." As his hands began to envelop themselves in fire, he placed his palm around my neck, flames searing my skin. His eyes were dark and warm, but became warmer. He smiled as his grip became tighter. "Nearly there, my prot?g?. Release your human side and you shall truly be free."

  The Sounds of his words, and the strange slow German accent, slowly rolled off my ears. I heard it, but I didn't want to believe it. I fought the urges to become a monster, but I knew the monster was becoming me. I tossed and turned in pain with mind in turmoil. I felt as though I were nearly dead. My head and my mind were becoming my own destruction. My soul was a fireball inside me, waiting to explode.

  When the fiery waters of hell had finally preceded, I slowly opened my eyes, one by one, as a sane person, with one mind in reason. When I finally came to and opened my eyes to a bright room fulfilled with sun, I was greeted by the love of my life, Paige.

  She smiled as my calm self was finally revealed. As I laid patiently, the very binds that were constraining me to the bed, were finally removed. I inhaled and exhaled a sigh of relief. I sat up, feeling the restraint marks that were impressed into my wrists, I must have put up a fight for the skin was broken and raw, bleeding in some spots. "What day is it?" I asked.

  Paige sat on the bed by my side. Her eyes brown and filled with love. "Technically, at least five days. You were quite violent for at least three."

  I shook my head and blinked. "I am so sorry."

  She looked into my eyes and took my hand into hers. "It's not your fault, it's this, it's everything, but it's not your fault."

  I looked at my wrists once again. "Looks like I gave you pretty hell of a fight."

  "Well, it wasn't just one fight, it was more like quite a few fights." She shifted, just a tad bit uncomfortable. "I had a get my father and Clive in here a few times. You were raging pretty bad, almost broke your restraints."

  Straining and feeling many aches, I pulled myself up in bed trying to sit up right. I looked at Paige, directly into my eyes. Open soul and heart, I frowned and shook my head. "I don't know how long I can hold on."

  "What do you mean?" She asked.

  I wiped my nose and passed my fingers beneath my eyes, wiping away the tiny tears that were welling up. "I'm going mad. You all know it firsthand, for you have finally seen it these last couple of days." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I keep having visions, or nightmares? Either way, I keep getting visited by this one creature?"

  "Asmodeus?"

  My eyes widened and I tilted my head. "Yes, how did you know?"

  Paige took my hand once again. "You were screaming its, his name, quite a few times while you are out of it."

  I took a moment and rubbed my hand over my lips. I then smoothed it over my face and through my hair. "Every time I close my eyes, he is there. He's telling me to lose myself, lose whatever part of my human side I have left. He feeds off of my insanity, my chaos." I swallowed hard and slowly. "Paige, I am losing this battle. I tried so very hard to think that I could be a woman of righteousness through this path of bloody destruction, but I've been proven wrong." The tears begin to well up again and slowly trail their way down my cheeks. "I don't know how long I can hang on. My mind is going. I'll be nothing but a creature of the night, craving blood and violence. You'll have to chain me up for the rest of my life, because I know for a fact that I will be a danger to myself and to anyone regardless of who they are."

  Her eyes as well started tearing up. Sitting on the bed next to me, she took my other hand into hers and looked into my eyes. "We can fix this together. I won't let you fall apart."

  I just shook my head, eyes glassy with water. I wanted to smile, but it just turned into a half frown. "There's nothing you can do now. We've been closer, more now than ever, but the nightmares just get worse and worse. There is no use in helping me, for I have already lost the battle. I have killed and now, am tainted." I drew in a deep breath, causing great pain within my battered rib cage and exhaled slowly. Hoping my demons would expel themselves and vanish, but not such the case. The evil still dwelled within me. The blood in my veins flowed black and my soul, scorched for eternity. "Help if you wish, but for the love of God please keep your distance. I love you Paige and I don't want anything to happen to you."

  Paige rose from the bed quickly. Her eyes were squinted and I could see anger in her face. "I will not accept that." She leaned in closer and rested both her hands over my shoulders, eyes glaring into mine, lips nearly brushing my lips. "Love will conquer all. I will not accept that you have given in to this bull shit. Everyone has the capabilities to overcome. You will overcome this." She leaned in closer and whispered into my ear. "This whole situation is crap, I know that. Even after a nuclear disaster, life still finds a way. Fight this Lillian, please. If there is anything that you need, I'm here at your disposal, but please don't leave me. I finally found true love." She rose quickly, paused and then leaned back down towards my ear. "I will fight for our love, as long as you fight for ours as well."

  She tore herself from my hands and left the room. I sat quietly in the comforts of a big, beautiful, sun filled room. I sat quietly in bed, not thinking, but mind finally clear. I took a deep breath and stretched, feeling pain as I did so. Her words planted in my mind and seared within my soul. I wanted nothing more than to be with Paige and live a happy, long life with her, but I knew it couldn't be capable. Or perhaps it was, I just wouldn't let it be inside my mind.

  I removed myself from the bed and planted like a seed, into the shower. I made it last as long as I could, underneath the streams of the hot shower. Regardless if the feeling was the same every time, no matter what, it washed away my sins. As I toweled off, I wiped the condensation from the mirrors with my hand. What I saw was a sad shell of a woman. A beaten and battered face, puffy with blunt hits. My face was huge and swollen from the beating I had received nights before. No matter what I had to fight, the temptation from the dark side was so very addicting. To love, would mean to sacrifice, but darkness and insanity would require nothing more than the need for chaos. At least with chaos, I would never be let down, for chaos would be with me for the rest of my life. At least until I died.

  The week, what was left of it had slithered by in slow paces. I kept silent and kept my head down. Paige had noticed but kept silent as well. Perhaps in her mind, she figured it was part of the healing process. After all, I had been through a lot. I murdered, nearly beat a man to death and was violated beyond my wildest imagination. I continued to train with Fitz and he too as well took his time with me. It was all summing up to me being sick and tired of being a forced war machine.

  I sat on the bench, huffing and puffing, worn out from hitting the bag. I took my water bottle from underneath and swigged deeply, letting the cool water coat and calm the irritated sides of my throat. I drew my hand through my hair and sat back against the wall, staring into nothingness. Fitz quietly took a seat by my side.

  Always the caring trainer as he was, politely asked. "Are you okay?"

  I said nothing. I just continued staring off into oblivion. The quietness of the underground room helped.
If no one moved and no one spoke, just the sound of silence would comfort my ears. If I closed my eyes and thought real hard, I could actually see a rainbow forming as I laid in the grass of the park in which I grew up around as a child. I would give anything to walk through the park once again. As the sun slowly set and the amber waves slowly faded beneath the horizon, I would lay with my arms crossed beneath my head, smiling. The day's departure into evening, in the great state of Arizona, always left the wonderful smells of grilling meat dancing in your nostrils.

  "Lillian?"

  The thought was gone. Like a snake firecracker that was lit up and burned, if it was touched by a finger, the complete ashy structure was obliterated by one simple touch. My thoughts were gone, but the question still remained. Was I okay? Fitz should be able to answer that himself. I was not okay. I was insane and thoughts everywhere, questionable. But of course I would not answer so. Perhaps, maybe I should." Yes, and no." My life was leading a path of chaotic destruction. I had killed. I had maimed. Everything I did in my life was in question. I could no longer go on as a sane person and do things that I did. I nodded and shook my head. "If I go on, I shall do so without will and without soul. Lillian Ann cross is becoming a faint distant memory. I am becoming a horrific, Switchblade Mama."

  Fitz remained silent, but alas, words rumbled through his lips. "Lillian, I don't know what you're going through. I could never feel what you feel. Just remember who you are and what you fight for."

  "What do I fight for?" I asked, turning my head to look at him.

  "Well, your mother, of course."

  I closed my eyes and shook my head. "Honestly, I don't think she would want to live knowing with what I've done. She probably would just tell me to let it go. It's not worth all of the lives I've had to sacrifice in order to keep her alive." I sat for a moment in silence thinking of her, trying to understand the words that I had just said.

  My mom was a short girl, but she was tough. She had bright Brown eyes that always seem to see through any difficult situation. No matter what, even though she was down, she tried her best to see it through, us through, my sister and I.

  After my father died, my mom tried so desperately to take care of her two children. She went back to college and tried to learn a trade. It wasn't easy for a women raising two teen girls on her own, but she managed. My sister moved out with my aunt and I stayed. When she finally remarried, I had a job and was able to move out on my own. If she hadn't remarried, I would've stayed with her. No matter what, no one could fill my father shoes.

  "If you won't do it for your mom, do it for Paige."

  I turned my head to look at him. "Oh, so you know."

  "Who doesn't? Both Clive and I know damn well why Barrett gave you that ass whooping. Honestly, I've never seen Paige so happy." He lifted his arms and exaggerated. It seemed to bring pure excitement to his heart that Paige was happy. "You can't let her down. Which heart owns you?"

  How could you choose? Which heart means more? Both hearts drove me with a passion. Both hearts were embedded within my soul. To ask me such a question would tear me apart at the very seams. I was disconnected from one life, but molded onto another. The Very thought plagued my mind. I shook my head in such dismay. "How could you ask that question, knowing how badly it would tear me apart?"

  "The question is, which question do I have to ask that will tear you apart? All I want to do is keep you going."

  "Save your speeches Fitz, I'm going."

  "All I want is for you to survive."

  "So you can collect a paycheck?"

  Fitz lowered his brow and gave me a dirty look. "Yes, I do collect a paycheck and yes I as well have something at stake in this, but Lillian, you've grown on me. I, like you am a lost soul in this. One day we shall be free, but for now, we must fight for our lives." He placed his arm around me and drew me close. Fitz always had a wonderful fresh smell to him. Beside Paige, he was the only other person that I could connect with. Though they were short and sweet and I was an ass hole, I enjoyed our talks.

  "So, who do I have to kill?"

  Silent, Fitz took a deep breath. "Her name is Susan and I have seen her in battle. She uses a sword. Her strikes are swift and cunning. She has no regrets in any of her swings. She uses blunt force. Since it's the last fight of the season, weapons are used immediately. Lillian, you must be swift and use your brain, or she shall strike you down without hesitation.

  Out of everything he said, all the dangers, the only words that protruded from my mouth were, "Susan? That's it? No flashy name? Seriously?"

  "Lillian, have you heard anything that I have said?"

  My eyes widened. "Yeah, Susan the sword, of course." Yes, I had heard everything that he said, but as usual was trying to be a smartass. Talking to anyone, seemed to do nothing for the pain that was dwelling inside my mind. I could pretend all I wanted to, but to be a sane person, in the end I knew it was all just a charade. In the end, I knew I had gone beyond that point of being a human being. The facts were laid upon the line. The fact was that I was possessed and a complete psychopath. As soon as my old life began to flash before my eyes, I would crave its sanity, its comforts. No matter what, the darkness would pull me back. I had come too far. No matter what, I didn't think anything could pull me from the grasps of the switchblade Mama. Blood would always be dripping from my hands and that was something I would have to get used to.