The Switchblade Mamma

by Lindsey Schussman

  30.

  I didn't remember being removed from the car, nor did I remember being taken up to my room, but I woke to the warm sun rays basking on my skin. And as I woke, wishing to stretch my arms, I was unable to, for I was once again bound to the bed by leather straps. I looked and concentrated on my right arm. I had to go pee and I was not about to lose myself in the bed. I took a deep breath and with everything I had, I tried so desperately to tear myself away from the strap. With much effort it came loose and ripped away. Concentrating on the other side, I applied the same force and finally became free. With a headache and sore body, I rushed to the bathroom. I relieved myself and let out a mighty gasp.

  As I left the bathroom and began to make my way out into the balcony to get some fresh air, the door opened and there was Paige. She had a tray in hand, which look like soup. Her eyes widened and she looked at me fearful. I looked at her, questioning her expression.

  "You're up? Ha, how do you feel, you okay?" Shakily she asked.

  I felt her uneasiness. I looked at both my wrists, the bed and then I looked at her. "Oh, good, but I'm sorry, I had to pee." I did recall my behavior. I knew I had done some bad things. Her fear was of course, expected. "I'm fine Paige, I am back."

  She put the tray onto the armorer, sniffled and then rushed to me. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and cradled the back of my head. She kissed me over and over again and I held her. I was so glad to be back. I wanted nothing more than to be human, but I knew the evil was dwelling inside of me. I wanted to hold her inside my arms forever, but I knew the evil would call me back into duty.

  Paige pleaded with me as she held me in her arms. "Please, please don't leave me again."

  I couldn't help but tear up as I held her tightly. "I'll try not to, babe. I love you so dearly." With my arms around her, I inhaled deeply. "What day is it?" I asked.

  She took a few steps back. Her eyes were wide and brown as ever. "Wednesday. My father didn't think we should travel until you were right of mind. You were in and out of it once again. He didn't think we could successfully and quietly load you into the truck. We had to wait. Now that you are here, we must go."

  I didn't want to leave, but I saw it in Paige's eyes that she wanted to go home.

  It seemed that everything had been already packed. Everybody was just waiting on me. I slowly brought myself to a shower. I peeled the bloody gauze away from my knuckles and pulled the bandages from my face. I vaguely remember using them against the wall. As the showers steam began to well up, quickly coating the mirror with its fog, I wiped it away. I looked at myself in the mirror one last time, tracing the long scar down my face with my fingertips. Even if I could, I would never remove it. I was a reminder. Things were becoming bad and I knew it. I wish I could be that person once again. The day that I received the scar. At least then, I was filled with mercy.

  Either Paige was really busy, or she was afraid of me and in avoidance. For the rest of the winter, I spent a lot of time in my room. Of course, breakfast, lunch and dinner were always served at the same time of day. And of course, I did always eat at the table. But it seemed, the attitude in general was a bit toned down. We would converse about things, but it seemed as if everybody was a bit gray as far as I went. I was coming to the conclusion that everyone was becoming frightened of me. Of course I didn't blame them, but what could they expect for creating a monster?

  Days would go by and I would not see one bit of Paige. It was Clive who brought food in for me. I would get excited when I saw the doorknob move, in hopes that it would be Paige, but no, just Clive. Another day of eating in the room. I just shook my head and cursed at my boredom.

  Clive Dross was not a good cook at all. He failed at even the simplest creation of a sandwich. If it was breakfast, it was one of those SmartStart breakfast TV dinners. If it was lunch, is was a cheese drenched mayonnaise sandwich. When it was dinner, mostly I got SpaghettiOs. I was blessed if I got a can of beef stew or at least some leftover grilled steak. But Clive never embellished on his meals. He was great at the grill, but anything else he just sucked balls.

  Barrett was almost completely nonexistent during the winter. Which was fine. I really didn't want anything to do with him to begin with. I couldn't blame him for beating the shit out of me for fucking his daughter. And of course, I couldn't expect conversation from him either.

  Winter was my worst season. I had absolutely no use in the world. I sat in a small confined room living a bland life of nothingness. The nightmares became worse and worse every night and I constantly screamed out with fear, but Paige kept distant.

  During the morning, exercises consisted of sit-ups and push-ups and pull ups with the bar provided on the wall. During the afternoon, reading. For the evening, music was served. I didn't have a clock in my room, so I based the time off of the meals that were served. For being such a cash cow, I was severely neglected. I would purposely seek songs on my MP3 player that made me cry. At least my pain was diffused within my tears. Sometimes, when I became desperately bored, I thought of myself at work and kept the whole day within my mind, working.

  One early morning had arisen. My room was dark and I was fast asleep. As my door bolted open, I shot up in fear as I saw Barrett bulldoze in.

  Before I could protest, he threw a heavy jacket into my face and said. "Get dressed, quickly. The drive is covered with snow and I need to get out fast. You're going to help me shovel it."

  I didn't say anything. He waited patiently outside the door while I dressed. If anything, I was a tad bit excited. It wasn't much, but it was something. I had been cooped up the whole winter and finally I was going to be able to see outside. To feel it, to smell it, was all I needed to keep me going. I threw on my jeans and my steel toed boots. I picked up a long sleeve shirt and fastened Barrett's jacket around me. I took two steps outside my door. He looked at me and nodded. We extended through the bowels of the house, cleared the stairs and went through the kitchen. We traveled through the living room and out the front door. The sight was nothing more than sheer amazing.

  The snow was coming down in insane buckets. The world was almost colored white. I took a few steps, and fell into the deep snow. The sky was gray with clouds and the land was covered in white heaven. As I followed Barrett, he threw a shovel into my hands and said. "Let's get digging kid."

  The drive was long and filled with heavy snow. The job and all took at least an hour. I shoveled nonstop without one break. I wanted to prove to Barrett that I was worth more than rotting inside a room. As we finally finished and shoveled the last bit of snow from the drive, I handed Barrett my shovel. He gave me a big smile and a "thank you."

  I wished I wasn't so quick with it, but we left the winter wonderland and went back into the house. As he prepared himself to leave, I sat myself at the kitchen table. I waited for him to take me back to my room, but apparently he had other plans. With an eye bolt that was sticking out of the hardwood floors of the kitchen, Barrett took a metal chain and securely locked onto it. He then took the other side, brought it to me and clasped my ankle into it.

  He then pulled over his heavy jacket and sternly looked at me. "I have no time to feed you, so you are now on the trust system. I'm going into the city to get Clive medicine. Please, feel free to feed yourself, but you do understand the repercussions if you try to escape."

  I said nothing, but just nodded.

  He picked up his keys, opening the door and letting a swirl of the winter's hell to enter the house.

  I raised myself from my chair and walked as far into the living room as I could. Barrett rumbled the suburban to life and like a bat out of hell, he removed the vehicle from the drive and started his mission to save his friend.

  At first, I found myself not to be really hungry, so I sat myself back at the kitchen table. I began to hum and twiddle my thumbs, but began to look about the room. It seemed as if the kitchen was in a bit of a disheveled mode. Plates were littered about the place and the sink was full. Out of sheer curio
sity, I walked up to the eye bolt and gripped it with my fingers. I tried my best, my hardest to turn, for I knew it was screwed in, but the damn thing wouldn't budge. I had about 15 feet of slack in my chain. I figured I could use leverage, so I looked through every drawer in the kitchen to find a screwdriver. I knew a knife wouldn't cut it, but I just could not find a screwdriver. With my escape plan diminished, I tried to find other things that would keep me occupied.

  The TV, was on the left-hand side of the living room. And as I walked toward it, I just became too short. I flopped down onto my belly and onto my side. I tried reaching out to the power button, but I just didn't have enough slack. Cross that one out. I came back to the kitchen. There was a radio, an old cassette tape radio that sat in the kitchen. I turned on. Apparently there was no reception. Still bummed out, I popped open the cassette tray, only to find a tape by the Doors. I smiled as I recollected the Doors was my father's favorite band. I pushed play.

  Break on through to the Other Side was the first song to play. I began to tap my foot and shake my head. It had been weeks since I was let out of my room. With the vibration of the music, I began to clean the kitchen. I hand washed, scrubbed and made everything neat. I told myself, fuck the dishwasher. Dishes shall be hand washed today.

  It wasn't until the kitchen was sparkling clean, that I decided, out of boredom, to search the cabinets. The Doors, caressing sweet tunes within my ears, urged me to seek further entertainment. Cabinet one, dry goods. Cabinet two, canned goods. Cabinet three, jackpot, alcohol! I hated hard liquor, but at this point, my mouth salivated at the thought of it. I took the bottle down, grabbed a glass, and sat down at the kitchen table and filled the glass full with glorious whiskey. I took the whole glass and slowly chugged. The warm liquid, burning all the way down, but I didn't care. I just embraced and felt the warmth as it slid down my pipes. I smiled and took a deep breath as I felt my whole body warming from the soft caress of an insane liquid known as whiskey.

  As I sat at the kitchen table, the bottle of whiskey was completely diminished. As I poured the last drop into my cup, I was warm and happy. Because I was drunk, when I first saw her, I thought it was because of intoxication. The door flew open and the swirly snows flew in. I tilted my head and looked at her with eyes wide.

  Paige slowly walked in through the back kitchen door, brushing the snow from her shoulders. Her eyes were wide and she looked at me sitting at the kitchen table. Words that were muttered from her mouth were, "what the Fuck?"

  Out of drunkenness I began to laugh. My cheeks were rosy and my hopes were high.

  Paige's eyes narrowed as she looked at me. "Are you drunk?" She asked.

  I stuck my tongue out and smiled. "Yup. I cleaned the kitchen." I said as I extend my arm and pointed about.

  "Where's my father?" She asked.

  My eyes widened and I smiled. I bobbed back and forth as I listened to Riders on the Storm. "Pops went out to get pills for Clive who is sick. No one here to feed, so I is chained up, to feed myself." I said with a big cheesy smile.

  Paige left the room quickly and went upstairs. I assumed she went to go check on Clive. I would've, but unfortunately my chains. As the bottle of whiskey was empty, I threw it into the trash. I took the glass, washed it quickly and put it back into the cabinet. Hopefully Paige had medications with her, but to help her I found some bouillon cubes and tried to make some broth for Clive. Still drunk and listening to the doors, I jammed out but tried to be responsible.

  Paige finally returned from the upstairs. She looked at me quickly before she left out the door again. "I have meds in the Bronco. I'll be right back." The door once again opened and the swirly flurries of snow flew into the house.

  I sat in somewhat of a drunken, stupor phase. The warming alcohol was making me hyper. I began to shake my legs uncontrollably and tap my fingernails upon the table top. As Paige reentered the house, I tilted my head back to look at her and trailed her as she went back upstairs. As a young girl, I enjoyed entertainment that karaoke would provide. As the Doors played on, I began to sing along.

  When Paige finally came back downstairs, my hyper state was in full effect. She walked across the kitchen and over to the radio. Quickly she pulled the plug.

  I tilted my head and looked at her, eyes glaring, dropping my mouth. I lifted my hand up and pointed at her with my finger. "Party pooper." I said.

  "How much did you drink?" She asked.

  "I don't know, a fifth?"

  "Have you eaten?"

  I smiled. "Yes, I ate a bottle of whiskey."

  Paige just shook her head. "How long has my father been gone?"

  Honestly, I really wasn't paying attention to the time. I was bored. I watched Paige as she called her father's phone. There was no answer, so she called over and over again. She looked at me with eyes narrowed, I just lifted my hands and shook my head replying with my answer. I had no idea.

  Paige stood up quickly and motioned to the downstairs basement. "Come on, let's go."

  I looked at her and my mouth dropped. "Where?"

  "I have to go find my father. If he's in trouble, I have to find him. You need to go back into your room so I can find my father."

  There was no other moment like this than to kill a Buzz. I shook my head and turned behind me to look out the window. The snow was coming down in sheets and you could barely see anything. "You're fucking mad. It's a miracle you got home yourself. I'm not going back down into that fucking shit hole. Besides if you need help, let me help."

  "You are drunk."

  I sat back in my chair, lifted up my arms and with eyes wide looked about the room. "But I can still function. I haven't had a drop of alcohol in over a year and you are over here busting my chops."

  "You had booze for breakfast." She rubbed her hands over her eyes and let out a low sigh. "Look, I don't have time for this. If you're going to help, help, but don't be drunk." She said at the end of a pointing finger.

  "No worries. I can be drunk and responsible the same time."

  Paige smiled and shook her head. She reached in the back of her pocket and pulled out her keys. As she fiddled through them, she made the decision at once. She walked over to me and knelt down. Her key opened the lock that bound my leg. I pulled over my heavy coat and followed Paige out into the plastered white day. Growing up in the Valley of the sun, snow and snowy days were rare sites for me. I felt the cold sneak its way into my collar and chill my backside. I pulled the jacket closer and picked up the pace, slightly stumbling through the snow due to my intoxication. As Paige and I finally reached the Bronco, I climbed in and breathed a sigh of relief for at least I was out of the wicked chilly wind.

  We headed into the only direction she thought he was going, town. Everything was white. I looked and watched, with my head tilted wondering exactly how she was finding her way through the white out.

  "Put your head down."

  "What?" I asked.

  Paige stopped the truck in the middle of what was supposed to be a road. "Put your head down and stop looking. We're coming up on road signs and I just can't let you know."

  "I can't even see, but 20 feet in front of me" I was extremely disappointed but I obeyed. I placed my head into my hands and closed my eyes. I hoped that Paige's good driving would see us through the rescue mission.

  Loudly, the truck putted along for some time. Slowly we made our way. Finally, when Paige stopped the truck, I lifted my head. A tree had fallen and blocked the road.

  Paige got out quickly to assess the damage. In this kind of weather, no one would emerge to move it. She got back into the truck and her facial expression became completely distressed. On either side of us were small ravines, no way the tree could have been passed by even the toughest truck. As Paige turned the engine and was ready to take the Bronco home. I investigated my side of the ravine a little bit harder. I barely caught a glimpse, but I knew something was down there. Just as Paige was ready to pull the vehicle into reverse, I stopped her by placing my hand on
hers, which was firmly planted onto the wheel.

  "What is it?" She asked.

  I said nothing, but rather took my hand and pointed it downward into the ravine tapping my fingernails upon the window.

  She pulled the Bronco into park and jumped out of the truck. She walked across it and over to my side. One look was all it took. Her face went from sheer disappointment and to extreme fear. She came to my door and pulled it open. "It's his truck, my God, it's his! Lillian, please help me!"

  Nothing could have spurred me into action more than the cries of the love of my life. Still with great intoxication, I fumbled with my seat belt. Unfortunately, my dismount was done with very little grace, as my leg was caught upon exiting the truck and I fell face first into a big mound of snow. As I popped my head up from the mound, I could see Paige as she worryingly gazed off into the ravine. I shrugged off the mind melding as best as I could. I lifted myself from the snow and walked to side myself with Paige. I looked at her, eyes welling up with tears.

  Paige was on the phone. 911 was at her fingertips. Every time she tried, nothing. She became more distraught at the fact that no help would come.

  As she continued to try, I took my hand to hers and lowered the phone from her ear. "Paige, nobody's going to come. We have to do this ourselves."

  She looked at me, eyes still wide and scared, but nodded.

  Smiling with her for agreeing, I took a step forward. Apparently I wasn't ready for the sophisticated steps I would have to take to journey down into the ravine, for I tripped and fell. I rolled and tumbled all the way down. I fell again, face down in the snow. As I lifted my head, I had clear site of the suburban. It had rolled and crashed into a tree. Still trying to fight my inebriation, I slowly rose and wiped away the packed snow from my knees. I walked to the suburban, trying to open the driver side door. It was locked. I could see Barrett inside, face wedged up against the steering wheel, face bloodied. I looked back up at Paige and yelled, "doors locked, but hang on."

  As I breathed heavily, the vapor plumes expelled from my mouth at an incredible rate. I pulled back my right arm, balling my right hand up into a fist. I struck hard and Swift, making contact to the window, but not completely breaking it. Even though I was fueled by whiskey, the coldness and the constriction within my hands created great pain. I put my arm back once again and struck. The window shattered into pieces. I reached my hand in an unlocked the door. When I turned once again to make communication with Paige, she was right by my side.

  I left the driver side and gave Paige time to see to her father. She reached in and checked for his vitals. "Still here." She then felt his core temperature. She looked at me, face tainted with worry. "We have to get him out of here. He won't last long out in this cold." She put her arms around him and tried to pull him out of the handicapped suburban. Her efforts were in vain. She had not the strength to pull him out. She tried over and over again and when her strength was finally exhausted, she looked at me, eyes filled with worry. "What can we do?"

  Even though I was intoxicated, I had a plan brewing. My right eyebrow roused and I gave her a sly smile. "Do you have rope in your truck?" I asked.

  She nodded and I pointed towards the bronco. "Good. You get your ass up there and throw me down a bit. You tie it off somewhere strong, you understand?"

  Paige nodded and began the excruciating trek back up the ravine. As I waited for the rope, I search the back of the suburban for more. Success! I found another bundle. I crawled out and waited for Paige to drop her end. The end was dropped and of course it wasn't enough to make it to the bottom. I took the other bundle of rope that I had found from the suburban and tied them together. It was whim, just a tiny thought that burst inside my head. I knew I didn't have the strength to drag him up out of the ravine, but at least I had strength to pull him out.

  As Paige nervously paced back-and-forth at the top of the ravine, I continued with my rescue plan. With the ropes bound together and tightly in place, I reached in suburban and pulled Barrett out with all of my strength. The snow no doubt creating such a menace to my plan, but nevertheless I continued on.

  I wasn't the greatest with knots, but I knew nothing more than a fisherman knot. Even with its simplicity, it still helped out. As I wrapped the rope around Barrett's body over and over again, I finished it with a fisherman's knot. When I felt the rope was secure with his body, I used it to help me guide myself up out of the ravine. I met Paige who was in a complete state of distress.

  "Now what?" She impatiently asked.

  I gave her the last of my drunken cheesy smile. "Patients my friend is a virtue." There was a dead anchored log that sat along the roadside. It was planted firmly enough that I could use it for leverage. I sat down and shoved my all into it, leaning back until the slack was gone. I took the rope and got a good grip. I swallowed hard and took and inhaled deeply, a big enough breath to inhale so much snow that it burned my very lungs. As I exhaled I began to pull. There was a breath and then exhale, which led to another pull. It was like reeling in a really big fish. I strained. I used every muscle in my body and pulled as hard as I could. I yelled loudly and used every profanity in the book. I didn't know how long it took, but it seemed to take forever. Finally as Barrett's body crested over the top of the ravine, Paige cried out with relief.

  As I keeled over with reprieve, huffing and puffing, I threw up. I expelled the whiskey and any last bits of food I had left in my stomach. I could see Paige in my peripheral trying to drag her father to the truck. I stood up, eyes burning from the retching. The swirling and falling of the snow became more intense, the winds became heavier. The trees were swaying, tilting further and further. The branches were stressed and heavy with snow. If we weren't in danger before, we were surely were now. At any moment another tree could fall, blocking our way home. As I wiped the vomit away from my mouth, I heard Paige cry out in despair.

  "Lillian, help!"

  I disengaged myself from my pains. I ran over to Paige and her father. I shooed her away and motioned for her to pick up his feet. I picked up his torso. Paige and I carried him to until we got the back of the bronco.

  "Fuck! Now what?" Paige asked."

  No way in hell Paige would be able to lift him up. Barrett was at least two times my weight and I knew damn well I wouldn't be able to do it either. So, without word, I began another pulley system.

  I took Barrett's legs and drug him back a few feet from the Bronco. I remembered seeing some plywood in suburban that I could use. "Wait hear Paige, I have an idea." I said. With that, I stumbled back down the ravine and towards suburban. I found a wide plank of wood in the back, suitable enough to pose as a ramp. The only question was, how would I get it back up? There were tie downs in the back, enough that I could swing over the wooden planks and make a backpack.

  Time was not on my side and I had to move quickly. I took the tie downs, made straps out of them, hands completely clumsy due to the freezing cold. Firmly, the wooden plank was attached to my back. Slowly, I made my way back up.

  Paige's eyes lit up as soon as she saw me emerge. I almost felt as if she thought I had run. Of course I did think about it, but I knew damn well I would never survive out in the cold.

  I rushed over to the truck, propping the wooden plank on it. I stomped hard making sure it was firm and in place. I even walked up it, verifying that it was sturdy enough. I took the rope once again and wrapped it around Barrett's upper body. I then crawled up the ramp into the truck. I placed my two feet up against the tire wells for leverage. Once again it was time to pull. As I did so with all my might, Paige tried her best to push at his feet.

  Finally, Barrett was loaded into the back of the 96 Bronco. Paige looked at me and I looked at her. "Somebody has got to stay here with my dad to keep him warm."

  I looked at her and I shook my head, pointing at him. "Oh no, honey. I am not laying back there and keeping him warm, oh hell no." I said as I took a few steps back.

  Paige looked at me, throwing the keys. "Then
you drive."

  I smiled as I caught them with my right hand. "Why of course, Ms. Daisy."

  She loaded herself up in the back with her father, the tailgate unable to close due to his large size. Since Barrett was still tied up by the rope, I took the other end of it, lacing it in and out of the passenger side window which I had rolled down. I shut the door hard to make sure that the rope was firmly in place. From the driver side of the truck, I looked back at Paige to make sure that she was ready to roll. "Okay babe, hold on to him hard. He is definitely fastened, but once we start to hit those bumps, make sure you be holding on."

  "Are you still drunk?" She asked.

  I smiled slightly through my teeth. "A little bit."

  "We're going to die."

  I smiled as I shoved the keys into the ignition. The mighty beast roared to life. As I threw the truck into reverse and swung around, I began to rap a little theme. "Because I'm Switchblade Mama, so save your drama. Talk that shit and I'll pull your card, whip out my knife and I'll cut off some lard." As I was turning around, I looked up into the rear view mirror and could see Paige as she was shaking her head.

  I was trying to haul ass, but knowing that speeding would be dangerous, I tried to keep it a quick but slow pace. I watched Paige from the rear view mirror, I saw as she held her father closely. She placed her lips upon his neck and blew, hoping the warmth from her breath would keep warm.

  The roads were covered deeply with snow, and of course, I wasn't able to see everything that laid upon them, we hit a big hefty bump. I was not wearing my seat belt and was lifted up until my head hit the ceiling of the Bronco.

  "What the hell was that?"

  Knowing she couldn't see me, I shrugged behind the wheel. "Well, I'm sure it wasn't a person, a deer maybe? Paige, where am I going?" I asked.

  "Turn right when you see a sign that says, Barrett's home design." She replied.

  I kept a sturdy hand on the wheel, knowing that my precious cargo laid in the back, unsecured. The cold was penetrating me. I could feel the booze as it was rumbling inside of my stomach. I was becoming nauseous, but I tried my best to keep my wheels and eyes on the road. I could see the world in turmoil. Everything was falling apart at the seams. Downed trees were everywhere. I smiled when I finally came to the sign and took a hard right in.

  "Holy hell!" Paige yelled from the back.

  I shouted back in reply, "hold on to your nipples!" As I drove through the short wood that would lead us to the back of the house, and insane thought popped into my mind. I was going to drift and back my way in. Once the house became visible, I hit the brakes and turned the wheel, quickly. I could hear Paige in the back yelling in fear. When the truck finally came to a stop, it was planted perfectly and in-line with the kitchen door. I took a deep breath and let out a big laugh, honking the horn obnoxiously.

  Paige disembarked herself from the back of the truck, I, like a child, threw open the driver side door and tossed myself back flopping into the snow. I laughed heavily, with sheer excitement of what I had just done.

  The snow still falling in incredible clusters, it continued to fall about my face and plant small but light touches of briskness. But of course the job was not done, Barrett still had to be removed from the vehicle and taken upstairs into his room. And as I laid in the snow, still lightly intoxicated happily creating snow angels, Paige stood over me. I took it as an order to move my ass and got up from my partially made snow angel.

  As I slowly made my way to the back of the bronco, the door to the kitchen opened and Clive appeared. I hollered to him loudly and motioned with my hand. "Hey, fucker, feeling better? Get your ass over here and help us with this guy!"

  Clive disappeared quickly. He then once again protruded and ran out, still in his long Johns but wearing his boots and his heavy jacket. "How can I help?" He asked as his breath escaped in a cloud from his mouth.

  I smiled. "Feeling better fucker?"

  Clive nodded.

  "Amazing what Tylenol does for one these days." As I walked towards the back of the bronco, his eyes widened when he saw Barrett laying there, motionless. "Get in there and grab his torso, please. I'll pick up the foot part. Let's get inside and him to bed."

  With Paige close by, Clive and I hauled Barrett up the stairs and into his room. I had never been into the upper portion of the house. And though I was very curious, I tried so very desperately to keep my mind focused on the task at hand. Of course, mission was accomplished and Barrett was safely placed into his bed. Paige worked desperately to keep him comfortable and to try to revive him. With Clive and Paige's attention focused on more pressing matters, I slowly snuck my way downstairs.

  I riffled through all of the drawers looking for something in particular. I finally found the treasure. It was a pack of cigarettes, with just three left and the lighter packed in the box to boot. I smiled as I pulled out one of the cigarettes. Finally something to complement my whiskey. Happily, I crept myself outside and sat down the cold snow covered concrete stairs that led up to the kitchen. As the cold attacked my face and affected my poor limbs, I fumbled with the lighter hastily trying to light my cigarette. Finally, success! I took a very deep long drag and exhaled a volcano's worth of smoke. The nicotine flowed through my body and I could feel an incredible numbness and well wanted buzz.

  Sitting on the steps, I stared off into the tiny world that had become my life. Everything was covered with white powdery snow. The bronco was beginning to lose its colors as snow started to pile up. Everything was quiet, beside the wind whispering through the trees. Soft nothings, it spoke into my ear. As I finished the cigarette, I lit up another, turning my head up toward the skies. Everything came down like tiny little white intricate stars. And the snowflakes that fell onto my jacket, I saw each and every one, how individual their designs were. I couldn't help but smile and forget. All the hate, the anger and the pain just seemed to dissipate and flow away. It was almost like the snowflakes falling. Each and every one so individual, but as soon as they met the ground, they molded into one solid statement. My statement at the moment was sheer contentment. I knew it was only a matter of moments before it was completely fumbled, so I lived it up. I took the last cigarette from the box and ignited it. I leaned back further and closed my eyes, listening to the world.

  As the third cigarette was nearly exhausted, my prediction had come true. Paige burst through the back of the kitchen door, and nearly tripped over me. I sat up and turned my head to look at her. "Hey babe, how's your pops?" I said as I blew out a plume of smoke.

  Her mouth was open the whole time. "How... how long have you been out here?"

  I pursed my lips. To be a smart ass I actually thought about it. "Well, let's see? It takes me approximately 7 minutes to smoke a cigarette. I am currently on my third, had brief interludes between them, so I am estimating about 28 minutes?"

  "Could you please come inside?"

  I stood up quickly, inhaled the last bit of my cigarette and put it out to my palm, flicking the butt. I looked at Paige, took a deep breath and exhaled, letting the vapor flow away from my mouth like Dragon's breath. "If you're implying that I need a babysitter, or you wish to confine me, by all means please, tell me to my face."

  "You need a babysitter."

  I lifted my arms and shook my head. "Are you kidding me? I have been sitting out here, granted I've been freezing my ass off, but I have been at least enjoying myself. I have been cooped up in that little fucking room and everything that we have been through so far today, you still cannot trust me?"

  Paige began to shake her head. "No, no, it's not that, it's just..."

  I stopped her. "No, I understand perfectly. I am good enough to sleep with, good enough to fuck around with, but not good enough to stand next to you as you are equal, no, I understand perfectly. Here, let me obediently like a dog, walk myself back to my bland little hellhole so you don't have to worry about anything else." I pulled open the kitchen door and walked through it. I came to the foot of the step
s that led downstairs and I looked at Paige once again. "Make sure you watch me as I go downstairs. Make sure I go into the right room so that you can sleep easy." As soon as I began to descend downstairs, I bit my tongue and began to hate myself for what I had just said. I opened the door to my room and quietly closed it. It was a one-way locking door. You could open it from the outside, but it required a key to open it from the inside. My clothes were wet and drenched. I peeled them off and threw on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt to keep warm.

  I sat myself down on my bed and rubbed my hands over my face. My stomach was queasy and I wasn't feeling my best. I wished I had some Alka-Seltzer's to ease my troubled stomach. I kneeled and hugged the edge of my toilet. I waited for it. As I felt it brewing inside of my stomach, I urged it to come specifically through thought. Finally, the raging volcanic acids of my stomach made their way out and I expelled the remainder of my whiskey into the toilet. I pulled myself from the bowl, guzzled some water from the sink and tossed myself on the bed. I was still extremely hungry. The main goal of the morning's events was to feed myself and I had completely failed. I substituted nourishment for booze and at the moment was completely paying the price.

  My stomach was so empty, I could feel my heart pound throughout my body. I swallowed hot dry starches from remnants of my retching vomit. My head was pounding with a headache. I prayed for aspirin and food. I was so uncomfortable I couldn't even achieve sleep. My eyes were closed, but my body was in full denial of sleep. It's insane how shitty you feel after drink has worn off.

  Hours passed and I restlessly tossed and turned. No doubt, my bad behavior with Paige was plaguing my mind, but Barrett was also swirling around in it as well. Even though I was not able to achieve REM sleep, in and out of consciousness, my mind would playback scenes of the day's events. For some reason, I wondered how Barrett was.

  After all the bad things that I had done, the killings, I had no idea if redemption was even possible. I couldn't help but see Barrett's face as he sat motionless in the suburban. I couldn't believe that I would risk life and limb to save him. But I did. After all the evils that I had accomplished, at least I knew, somewhere inside there was still some good.

  My eyes opened again to the glaring light of the pale white room. My stomach had nearly settled. As I was ready to get up and turn off the lights, the door opened and a double black-eyed Barrett emerged.

  I stiffened and sat up quickly as he took his place sitting at the edge of the bed. I blinked hard and rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I swallowed, taking a deep breath. Barrett looked at me. Nose, swollen to hell and eyes, black circles that could only be described as black holes themselves.

  Barrett folded his hands into his lap and looked down at them. "That bottle of whiskey was the first gift that my wife gave me on our first anniversary."

  My eyes became wide and I felt the fear stiffening up my back. "Yeah, so you did tell me to find something to eat, but I?"

  Barrett cut in. "As far as I'm concerned, it was a good trade-off for my life. I'm pretty sure my wife would rather me be breathing today, then having an unopened bottle of whiskey sitting in my cabinet. Sometimes, to do the things that scares us the most, requires a little bit of liquid courage." Barrett laughed to himself. He looked at me, eyes sincere. "I thank you for saving my life. I realize that I have put you through a lot. I know the both of us are not in the best situation and I wish that perhaps we could have met each other under different circumstances. You are an excellent fighter and an even better home-builder." Barrett stood up and took two steps to the door. He put the key into the lock. "How was the whiskey, anyways?"

  For the first time I looked up at Barrett's eyes as an equal. I was no longer afraid of his presence. I felt his warmth for the first time as well. I felt his human side. I smiled. "Damn fucking good sir."

  "You hungry?"

  "Famished!"

  He smiled before he left the room and closed the door behind him.

  It wasn't long before the door came to life once again. Paige slowly walked, plate in hand. As I could smell the simple sustenance that rested on the plate, my mouth began to salivate. Paige sat down on the bed next to me and handed me the plate. "Be careful, it's ho..."

  Before she could finish the sentence, I grabbed the plate from her. I took the grilled cheese and dipped into the cup of tomato soup. I didn't care how hot it was, I just molded my mouth around its gooey cheesy warmth. I dipped the sandwich into the soup and savored its wondrous flavor.

  "I wanted to thank you?"

  "No need, your father just did."

  "No, but I personally wanted to?"

  I still had grilled cheese jumbling around in my mouth when I leaned over and pressed my finger against Paige's lips. "Shhhhh, no worries babe. I apologize for my behavior earlier. I was? Drunk." I spoke with a full mouth. "Besides... After all the bad things I have done, it felt good to do something right for once. I know I am not a super hero, but I am not like any other... Maybe one day I can use my ability's for a better cause, rather than just chaos."

  Paige said nothing, but rather nodded. She looked at me, eyes so deep and smiled. She rested her hand on the top of my thigh.

  I took a moment from my gorging and put the plate down on the bed next to me. I put my hand over hers, firmly gripping. "So, you sticking around, or you gonna take off?" Paige's smile faded and without words I already knew the answer. I let out a breath and drew my hand through my hair. It had been months since my last haircut and it was beginning to get out of control.

  "The storm is still too bad outside. I'll be leaving first thing in the morning, if weather permits."

  "Hate to see you go."

  "As I hate to leave you."

  "So, are you becoming the ultimate? Are you doing what you always wanted to do?" I kind of had an idea what she was doing. As much as I wanted her to stay, I knew she was trying to grow up and have her own life. She was going to school. I could see it in her eyes. That one tiny glimpse, an ounce of a sparkle. If I gave a hint, the word, I knew she would stay indefinitely without hesitation. But as I knew, if you loved someone, you wanted them to be happy. I knew her happiness laid partially with me, but the other half needed some sort of completion. The other half needed to be somebody. I wasn't going to be rude. I would make my best attempt at pushing her gently in the right direction.

  Paige smiled and nodded. "Yes. I am learning many things. I figured the winter would be the best time to school, because our downtime."

  I agreed with her, sort of shaking my head sarcastically. "Yes, yes, I totally agree. You just do me a favor."

  Her eyes widened. "What is that?" She asked.

  I smiled bigger, this time showing teeth. "You get your ass back at the school and make sure that you're first in class, okay?"

  Paige's eyes teared up a bit. She gave me a heavy smile and a big wet kiss on the cheek. She gave me a hug and thanked me many times inside my ear. Before she quickly left, she whispered, "see you come spring."

  Once again I was left to myself. The next morning, Clive embraced me with a big breakfast in appreciation for saving his best friend's life. His chunky butt, waddled in like a penguin, big smile.

  I was still in bed and awoken by his commotion. He placed the breakfast tray across my lap, smiling as he took a few steps back, fingers fiddling each other like a madman. "I heard Paige sayin, you don like my meals. Well, today, you be eaten good."

  I smiled as I sat up. Examining the plate covered with eggs, bacon, hash browns with a side of ketchup and an English muffin, covered in jam. I looked up at Clive. His face was blanketed with the worst scraggly beard that I had ever seen. His eyes were completely pale and had bags underneath them. I didn't know how long he was sick, but it looked like he lost weight as well. I took more appreciation into the breakfast that he made. He was still wearing his pajamas. He was wearing a plain blue T-shirt and blue plaid bottom sweats. I could tell it was the first thing on his mind when he got up. Make breakfast for
Lillian. I knew he could grill, but I never actually had a taste of a fully cooked meal from him. I took the fork and pierced some of scrambled eggs with it. As I put the eggs into my mouth, I could actually taste the goodness. I finally came to the conclusion that Clive knew how to cook, he was just lazy.

  Clive, like a little boy waiting for a kind word looked at me, head sideways. He was waiting for the end result. "Well, how does it taste?"

  For some reason I enjoyed Clive's accent and now as well enjoyed his cooking. With my mouth full, I nodded in a pleasing manner. "Damn good." I muttered through the clustered eggs in my mouth.

  Clive let out a sigh on a happy note. "I appreciate what you done, for my friend, Barrett. If it won for you, he'd be dead. I jus don know what I'd do without him. If you need anything, don hesitate to ask." He smiled and was on his way out. I did want something.

  "Clive?"

  He stopped at the door and turned to look at me. "Yeah?"

  I took a deep breath and let it out as I spoke. "If it is not too much trouble, do you think you can take me out before the snow melts. I would love to go out for a run."

  Clive smiled. "Sure thing Kid. I be feeling better tomorrow."

  The unfortunate thing was, that it was not the next day, but rather the day after that Clive finally took me out. When he finally did, I tried to soak up every moment. The morning sunlight was cool. Even with the briskness of sunlight upon my face, it still gave me no comfort from the biting cold. As I was becoming to be extremely trusted, Clive went into the garage to fetch one of the quads while I stretched.

  The sun was bright and soaring through the trees in a million different rays. There was absolutely no breeze. All I could hear was the morning songs that the birds chirped. In some places, the snow was up at least to my knees. It didn't bother me much at the time, but I knew as soon as the flakes would begin to melt through my pants and get them wet, some irritation would grow. I wouldn't let it bother me until it came to that point. I just continued to stretch and inhale the fresh morning air.

  When I finally got done stretching and became limber, I sat up on the fence of the corral, waiting for Clive. If I was moving, I was warm, but with Clive taking his sweet ass time, I began to feel the cold air creeping up my backside. As I began to shiver, I started expelling the warm air into my palms from my mouth. When the cold finally started to break me, I jumped from the fence and began to jog in place until I finally heard the quad rumble around the corner of the house.

  Clive drove up to my side and shot his finger out in the direction of, onward, I chose not to give him crap for his lateness, for I knew starting vehicles in extreme cold was not easy.

  The run was a much needed time off from my confined room of hell. I felt the need as it fueled me like a drug. I could feel the adrenaline as is it coursed through my veins once again. The cold air pierced my lungs with every inhale. With one simple escape outside, my life inside confinement was placed within the shadows.

  With Clive slowly pacing behind me on the quad, I trudged through the snow as quick as possible. With my MP3 player flowing pure fuel into my ears and throughout my body, I figured I could run forever. My run, which consisted of many circles around the house, lasted, for what seemed to be like a lifetime. When at last, I felt my limbs could take me no further, I plopped myself down into the snow and made an Angel.