The Monikins

by James Fenimore Cooper

  CHAPTER XIII. A CHAPTER OF PREPARATIONS--DISCRIMINATION IN CHARACTER--ATIGHT FIT, AND OTHER CONVENIENCES, WITH SOME JUDGMENT.

  I shall pass lightly over the events of the succeeding month. Duringthis time, the whole party were transferred to England, a proper shiphad been bought and equipped, the family of strangers were put in quietpossession of their cabins, and I had made all ray arrangements forbeing absent from England for the next two years. The vessel was astout-built, comfortable ship of about three hundred tons burden, andhad been properly constructed to encounter the dangers of the ice. Heraccommodations were suitably arranged to meet all the exigencies ofboth monikin and human wants, the apartments of the ladies being veryproperly separated from those of the gentlemen, and otherwise rendereddecorous and commodious. The Lady Chatterissa very pleasantly calledtheir private room the gynecee, which, as I afterwards ascertained, wasa term for the women's apartment, obtained from the Greek, the monikinsbeing quite as much addicted as we are ourselves, to showing theiracquirements by the introduction of words from foreign tongues.

  Noah showed great care in the selection of the ship's company, theservice being known to be arduous, and the duties of a very responsiblecharacter. For this purpose, he made a journey expressly to Liverpool(the ship lying in the Greenland Dock at London), where he was fortunateenough to engage five Yankees, as many Englishmen, two Norwegians, and aSwede, all of whom had been accustomed to cruising as near the poles asordinary men ever succeeded in reaching. He was also well suited in hiscook and mates; but I observed that he had great difficulty in findinga cabin-boy to his mind. More than twenty applicants were rejected, somefor the want of one qualification, and some for the want of another. AsI was present at several examinations of different candidates for theoffice, I got a little insight into his manner of ascertaining theirrespective merits.

  The invariable practice was, first, to place a bottle of rum and apitcher of water before the lad, and to order him to try his hand atmixing a glass of grog. Four applicants were incontinently rejected formanifesting a natural inaptitude at hitting the juste milieu, in thisimportant part of the duty of a cabin-boy. Most of the candidates,however, were reasonably expert in the art; and the captain soon cameto the next requisite, which was, to say "Sir," in a tone, as Noahexpressed it, somewhere between the snap of a steel-trap and themendicant whine of a beggar. Fourteen were rejected for deficiencies onthis score, the captain remarking that most of them "were the sa'ciestblackguards" he had ever fallen in with. When he had, at length, foundone who could mix a tumbler of grog, and answer "Sir," to his liking,he proceeded to make experiments on their abilities in carrying asoup-tureen over a slushed plank; in wiping plates without a napkin,and without using their shirt-sleeves; in snuffing candles with theirfingers; in making a soft bed with few materials besides boards; inmixing the various compounds of burgoo, lobscouse, and dough, (which heaffectedly pronounced duff); in fattening pigs on beef-bones, and duckson the sweepings of the deck; in looking at molasses without licking hislips; and in various other similar accomplishments, which he maintainedwere as familiar to the children of Stunin'tun, as their singing-booksand the ten commandments. The nineteenth candidate, to my uninstructedeyes, seemed perfect; but Noah rejected him for the want of a qualitythat he declared was indispensable to the quiet of the ship. Itappeared that he was too bony about an essential part of his anatomy, apeculiarity that was very dangerous to a captain, as he himself was onceso unfortunate as to put his great toe out of joint, by kicking one ofthose ill-formed youngsters with unpremeditated violence; a thing thatwas very apt to happen to a man in a hurry. Luckily, No. twenty passed,and was immediately promoted to the vacant berth. The very next daythe ship put to sea, in good condition, and with every prospect of afortunate voyage.

  I will here state that a general election occurred the week before wesailed; and I ran down to Householder and got myself returned, in orderto protect the interests of those who had a natural right to look up tome for that small favor.

  We discharged the pilot when we had the Scilly Islands over thetaffrail, and Mr. Poke took command of the vessel in good earnest.Coming down channel, he had done little more than rummage about inthe cabin, examine the lockers, and make his foot acquainted with theanatomy of poor Bob, as the cabin-boy was called; who, judging fromthe amount of the captain's practice, was admirably well suited for hisstation, in the great requisite of a kickee. But, the last hold of theland loosened by the departure of the pilot, our navigator came forth inhis true colors, and showed the stuff of which he was really made. Thefirst thing he did was to cause a pull to be made on every halyard,bowline, and brace in the ship; he then rattled off both mates, inorder to show them (as he afterwards told me in confidence) that he wascaptain of his own vessel; gave the people to understand he did not liketo speak twice on the same subject and on the same occasion, which hesaid was a privilege he very willingly left to Congressmen and women;and then he appeared satisfied with himself and all around him.

  A week after we had taken our departure, I ventured to ask Captain Pokeif it might not be well enough to take an observation, and to resort tosome means in order to know where the ship was. Noah treated this ideawith great disrespect. He could see no use in wearing out quadrantswithout any necessity for it. Our course was south, we knew, for we werebound to the south pole; all we had to do was to keep America on thestarboard, and Africa on the larboard hand. To be sure, there wassomething to be said about the trades, and a little allowance to be madefor currents now and then; but he and the ship would get to bebetter acquainted before a great while, and then all would go on likeclockwork. A few days after this conversation, I was on deck just as daydawned, and to my surprise Noah, who was in his berth, called out to themate, through the skylight, to let him know exactly how the land bore.No one had yet seen any land; but at this summons we began to look aboutus, and sure enough there was an island dimly visible on the easternboard! Its position by compass was immediately communicated to thecaptain, who seemed well satisfied with the result. Renewing hisadmonition to the officer of the deck to take care and keep Africa onthe larboard hand, he turned over in his bed to resume his nap.

  I afterwards understood from the mates, that we had made a very capitalfall upon the trades, and that we were getting on wonderfully well,though it was quite as great a mystery to them as it was to me, howthe captain could know where the ship was; for he had not touched hisquadrant, except to wipe it with a silk handkerchief, since we leftEngland. About a fortnight after we had passed the Cape de Verds, Noahcame on deck in a great rage, and began to storm at the mate and theman at the wheel for not keeping the ship her course. To this theformer answered with spirit, that the only order he had received in afortnight, was "to keep her jogging south, allowing for variation," andthat she was heading at that moment according to orders. Hereupon, Noahgave Bob, who happened to pass him just then, a smart application aposteriori, and swore "that the compass was as big a fool as the mate;that the ship was two points off her course; that south was hereaway,and not thereaway; that he knew by the feel of the wind that it had nonorthin' in it, and we had got it away on the quarter, whereas it oughtto be for'ard of the beam; that we were running for Rio instead ofLeaphigh, and that if we ever expected to get to the latter country, wemust haul up on a good taut bowline." The mate, to my surprise, suddenlyacquiesced, and immediately brought the ship by the wind. He afterwardstold me, in a half-whisper, that the second mate having been sharpeningsome harpoons, had unwittingly left them much too close to the binnacle;and that, in fact, the magnet had been attracted by them, so as todeceive the man at the wheel and himself, fully twenty degrees as to thereal points of the compass. I must say this little occurrence greatlyencouraged me, leaving no doubt about our eventual and safe arrival asfar, at least, as the boundary of ice which separates the human from themonikin region. Profiting by this feeling of security, I now began torevive the intercourse with the strangers, which had been partiallyinterrupted by the novel and disagreeabl
e circumstances of a sea life.

  The Lady Chatterissa and her companion, as is much the case with femalesat sea, rarely left the gynecee; but as we drew near the equator, thephilosopher and the young peer passed most of their time on deck, oraloft. Dr. Reasono and I spent half of the mild nights in discussingsubjects connected with my future travels; and as soon as we were wellclear of the rain and the thunder and lightning of the calm latitudes,Captain Poke, Robert, and myself began to study the language ofLeaphigh. The cabin-boy was included in this arrangement, Noahintimating we should find it convenient to take him on shore withus, since a wish to conceal my destination had induced me to bringno servant along. Luckily for us, the monikin ingenuity had greatlydiminished the labor of the acquisition. The whole language was spokenand written on a system of decimals, which rendered it particularlyeasy, after the elementary principles were once acquired. Thus, unlikemost human tongues, in which the rule usually forms the exception,no departure from its laws was ever allowed, under the penalty of thepillory. This provision, the captain protested, was the best ruleof them all, and saved a vast deal of trouble; for, as he knewby experience, a man might be a perfect adept in the language ofStunin'tun, and then be laughed at in New York for his pains. Thecomprehensiveness of the tongue was also another great advantage;though, like all other eminent advantages or excessive good, it wasthe next-door neighbor to as great an evil. Thus, as my Lord Chatterinoobligingly explained, "we-witch-it-me-cum" means "Madam, I love you fromthe crown of my head to the tip of my tail; and as I love no other halfas well, it would make me the happiest monikin on earth, if you wouldconsent to become my wife, that we might be models of domestic proprietybefore all eyes, from this time henceforth and forever." In short, itwas the usual and most solemn expression for asking in marriage; and,by the laws of the land, was binding on the proposer until asformally declined by the other party. But, unluckily, the word"we-switch-it-me-cum" means "Madam, I love you from the crown of my headto the tip of my tail; and, if I did not love another better, it wouldmake me the happiest monikin on earth, if you would consent to becomemy wife, that we might be models of domestic propriety before all eyes,from this time henceforth and forever." Now this distinction, subtle andinsignificant as it was to the eye and the ear, caused a vast deal ofheart-burning and disappointment among the young people of Leaphigh.Several serious lawsuits had grown out of this cause, and two greatpolitical parties had taken root in the unfortunate mistake of a youngmonikin of quality, who happened to lisp, and who used the fatal wordindiscreetly. That feud, however, was now happily appeased, havinglasted only a century, but it would be wise, as we were all threebachelors, to take note of the distinction. Captain Poke said hethought, on the whole, he was perfectly safe, as he was much accustomedto the use of the word "switchel"; but he thought it might be verywell to go before some consul as soon as the ship anchored, and entera formal protest of our ignorance of all these niceties, lest someadvantage should be taken of us by the reptiles of lawyers; that he inparticular was not a bachelor, and that Miss Poke would be as furiousas a hurricane, if by accident, he should happen to forget himself. Thematter was deferred for future deliberation.

  About this time, too, I had some more interesting communications withDr. Reasono, on the subject of the private histories of all the party ofwhich he was the principal member. It would seem that the philosopher,though rich in learning, and the proprietor of one of the best developedcaudce in the entire monikin world, was poor in the more vulgarattributes of monikin wealth. While he bestowed freely, therefore, fromthe stores of his philosophy, and through the medium of the academyof Leaphigh, on all his fellows, he was obliged to seek an especialrecipient for his surplus knowledge, in the shape of a pupil, in orderto provide for the small remains of the animal that still lingered inhis habits. Lord Chatterino, the orphan heritor of one of the noblestand wealthiest, as well as one of the most ancient houses of Leaphigh,had been put under his instruction at a very tender age, as had my LadyChatterissa under that of Mrs. Lynx, with very much the same objects.This young and accomplished pair had early distinguished each other,in monikin society, for their unusual graces of person, generalattainments, mutual amiableness of disposition, harmony of thought, andsoundness of principles. Everything was propitious to the gentle flamewhich was kindled in the vestal bosom of Chatterissa, and which was metby a passion so ardent and so respectful, as that which glowed in theheart of young No. 8 purple. The friends of the respective parties,so soon as the budding sympathy between them was observed, in order toprevent the blight of wishes so appropriate, had called in the aid ofthe matrimonial surveyor-general of Leaphigh, an officer especiallyappointed by the king in council, whose duty it is to take cognizance ofthe proprieties of all engagements that are likely to assume a characteras grave and durable as that of marriage. Dr. Reasono showed me thecertificate issued from the Marriage Department on this occasion, andwhich, in all his wanderings, he had contrived to conceal within thelining of the Spanish hat the Savoyards had compelled him to wear, andwhich he still preserved as a document that was absolutely indispensableon his return to Leaphigh; else he would never be permitted to travelafoot in company with two young people of birth and of good estates, whowere of the different sexes. I translate the certificate, as literallyas the poverty of the English language will allow.

  Extract from the Book of Fitness, Marriage Department, Leaphigh, seasonof nuts, day of brightness.

  Vol. 7243, p. 82.

  Lord Chatterino: Domains; 126,952 3/4 acres of land; meadow, arable andwood in just proportions.

  Lady Chatterissa: Domains; 115,999 1/2 acres of land; mostly arable.

  Decree, as of record; it is found that the lands of my Lady Chatterissapossess in quality what they want in quantity.

  Lord Chatterino: Birth; sixteen descents pure; one bastardy--fourdescents pure--a suspicion--one descent pure--a certainty.

  Lady Chatterissa: Birth; six descents pure--three bastardies--elevendescents pure--a certainty--a suspicion--unknown.

  Decree as of record; it is found that the advantage is on the side of myLord Chatterino, but the excellence of the estate on the other side isbelieved to equalize the parties.

  (Signed) No. 6 ermine. A true copy.

  (Counter signed) No. 1,000,003 ink-color.

  Ordered, that the parties make the Journey of Trial together, under thecharge of Socrates Reasono, Professor of Probabilities in the Universityof Leaphigh, LL.D., F. U. D. G. E., and of Mrs. Vigilance Lynx, licensedduenna.

  The Journey of Trial is so peculiar to the monikin system, and it mightbe so usefully introduced into our own, that it may be well to explainit. Whenever it is found that a young couple are agreeable (to use apeculiar anglicized anglicism), in all the more essential requisites ofmatrimony, they are sent on the journey in question, under the care ofprudent and experienced mentors, with a view to ascertain how farthey may be able to support, in each other's society, the ordinaryvicissitudes of life. In the case of candidates of the more vulgarclasses, there are official overseers, who usually drag them through afew mud-puddles, and then set them to work at some hard labor that isespecially profitable to the public functionaries, who commonly get thegreater part of their own year's work done in this manner. But, as themoral provisions of all laws are invented less for those who own126,952 3/4 acres of land, divided into meadow, arable and wood, in justproportions, than for those whose virtues are more likely to yieldto the fiery ordeal of temptation, the rich and noble, after makinga proper and useful manifestation of their compliance with the usage,ordinarily retire to their country seats, where they pass the period ofprobation as agreeably as they can; taking care to cause to be insertedin the Leaphigh gazette, however, occasional extracts from their lettersdescribing the pains and hardships they are compelled to endure for theconsolation and edification of those who have neither birth nor countryhouses. In a good many instances the journey is actually performed byproxy But the case of my Lord Chatterino and my Lady Chatterissa formedan exceptio
n even to these exceptions. It was thought by the authoritiesthat the attachment of a pair so illustrious offered a good occasion todistinguish the Leaphigh impartiality; and on the well-known principlewhich induces us sometimes to hang an earl in England, the young couplewere commanded actually to go forth with all useful eclat (secret ordersbeing given to their guardians to allow every possible indulgence, atthe same time), in order that the lieges might see and exult in thesternness and integrity of their rulers.

  Dr. Reasono had accordingly taken his departure from the capital for themountains, where he instructed his wards in a practical commentary ofthe ups and downs of life, by exposing them on the verges of precipicesand in the delights of the most fertile valleys (which, as he justlyobserved, was the greater danger of the two), leading them over flintypaths, hungry and cold, in order to try their tempers; and setting upestablishments with the most awkward peasants for servants, to ascertainthe depth of Chatterissa's philosophy; with a variety of similaringenious devices, that will readily suggest themselves to all who haveany matrimonial experience, whether they live in palaces or cottages.When this part of the trial was successfully terminated (the resulthaving shown that the gentle Chatterissa was of proof, so far as meretemper was concerned), the whole party were ordered off to the barrierof ice, which divides the monikin from the human region, with a view toascertain whether the warmth of their attachment was of a nature likelyto resist the freezing collisions of the world. Here, unfortunately,(for the truth must be said), an unlucky desire of Dr. Reasono, who wasalready F. U. D. G. E., but who had a devouring ambition to become alsoM. O. R. E., led him into the extreme imprudence of pushing throughan opening, where he had formerly discovered an island, on an ancientexpedition of the same sort; and on which island he thought he saw arock, that formed a stratum of what he believed to be a portion of theforty thousand square miles that were discomposed by the great eruptionof the earth's boiler. The philosopher foresaw a thousand interestingresults that were dependent on the ascertaining of this importantfact; for all the learning of Leaphigh having been exhausted, some fivehundred years before, in establishing the greatest distance to which anyfragment had been thrown on that memorable occasion, great attention hadlatterly been given to the discovery of the least distance any fragmenthad been hurled. Perhaps I ought to speak tenderly of the consequencesof a learned zeal, but it was entirely owing to this indiscretion thatthe whole party fell into the hands of certain mariners who were sealingon the northern shores of this very island, (friends and neighbors, asit afterwards appeared, of Captain Poke), who remorselessly seized uponthe travellers, and sold them to a homeward-bound India-man, which theyafterwards fell in with near the island of St. Helena--St. Helena! thetomb of him who is a model to all posterity, for the moderation of hisdesires, the simplicity of his character, a deep veneration fortruth, profound reverence for justice, unwavering faith, and a clearappreciation of all the nobler virtues.

  We came in sight of the island in question, just as Dr. Reasonoconcluded his interesting narrative; and, turning to Captain Poke, Isolemnly asked that discerning and shrewd seaman,--

  "If he did not think the future would fully avenge itself of thepast--if history would not do ample justice to the mighty dead--ifcertain names would not be consigned to everlasting infamy for chaininga hero to a rock; and whether HIS country, the land of freemen, wouldever have disgraced itself, by such an act of barbarism and vengeance?"

  The captain heard me very calmly; then deliberately helping himself tosome tobacco, he replied,--

  "Harkee, Sir John. At Stunin'tun, when we catch a ferocious critter', wealways put it in a cage. I'm no great mathematician, as I've often toldyou; if my dog bites me once, I kick him--twice, I beat him--thrice, Ichain him."

  Alas! there are minds so unfortunately constituted, that they haveno sympathies with the sublime. All their tendencies are direct andcommon-sense like. To such men, Napoleon appears little better than onewho lived among his fellows more in the character of a tiger than inthat of a man. They condemn him because he could not reduce his ownsense of the attributes of greatness to the level of their home-bredmorality. Among this number, it would now seem, was to be classedCaptain Noah Poke.

  A wish to relate the manner in which Dr. Reasono and his companionsfell into human hands, has caused me to overlook one or two mattersof lighter moment, that should not, in justice to myself, however, beentirely omitted.

  When we had been at sea two days, a very agreeable surprise for themonikin party was prepared and executed. I had caused a certain numberof jackets and trousers to be made of the skins of different animals,such as dogs, cats, sheep, tigers, leopards, hogs, etc., etc., with theproper accompaniments of snouts, hoofs, and claws; and, when the ladiescame on deck, after breakfast, their eyes were no longer offended by ourrude innovations upon nature, but the whole crew were flying about therigging, like so many animals of the different species named. Noahand myself appeared in the characters of sea-lions, the former havingintimated that he understood the nature of that beast better than anyother. Of course, this delicate attention was properly appreciated, andhandsomely acknowledged.

  I had taken the precaution to order imitation-skins to be made ofcotton, which were worn in the low latitudes; and, as we got near theFalkland Islands, the real skins were resumed, with promptitude, and Imight add, with pleasure.

  Noah had, at first, raised some strong objections to the scheme, sayingthat he should not feel safe in a ship manned and officered altogetherby wild beasts; but, at last, he came to enjoy the thing as a good joke,never failing to hail the men, not by their names as formerly, but,as he expressed it himself, "by their natur's"; calling out "You cat,scratch this"; "You tiger, jump here"; "You hog, out of that dirt"';"You dog, scamper there"; "You horse, haul away," and divers othersimilar conceits, that singularly tickled his fancy. The men themselvestook up the ball, which they kept rolling, embellished with all sorts ofnautical witticisms; their surname--they had but one, viz. Smith--beingentirely dropped for the new appellations. Thus, the sounds of "TomDog," "Jack Cat," "Bill Tiger," "Sam Hog," and "Dick Horse," were flyingabout the deck from morning to night.

  Good humor is a great alleviator of bodily privation. From the time theship lost sight of Staten Land, we had heavy weather, with hard galesfrom the southward and westward; and we had the utmost difficulty inmaking our southing. Observations now became a very difficult matter,the sun being invisible for a week at a time. The marine instinct ofNoah, at this crisis, was of the last importance to all on board. Hegave us the cheering assurance, however, from time to time, that we weregoing south, although the mates declared that they knew not where theship was, or whither she was running; neither sun, moon, nor star havingnow been seen for more than a week.

  We had been in this state of anxiety and doubt for about a fortnight,when Captain Poke suddenly appeared on deck, and called for thecabin-boy, in his usual stentorian and no-denial voice, by the name of"You Bob Ape"; for the duty of Robert requiring that he should be muchabout the persons of the monikins, I had given him a dress of apes'skins, as a garb that would be more congenial to their tastes thanthat of a pig, or a weasel. Bob Ape was soon forthcoming, and, as heapproached his master, he quietly turned his face from him, receiving,as a matter of course, three or four smart admonitory hints, by way ofletting him know that he was to be active in the performance of theduty on which he was about to be sent. On this occasion I made an odddiscovery. Bob had profited by the dimensions of his lower garment,which had been cut for a much larger boy (one of those who had brokendown in essaying the true Doric of "Sir"), by stuffing it with an oldunion-jack-a sort of "sarvice," as he afterwards told me, that savedhim a good deal of wear and tear of skin. To return to passing events,however; when Robert had been duly kicked, he turned about manfully, anddemanded the captain's pleasure. He was told to bring the largest andfairest pumpkin he could find, from the private stores of Mr. Poke, thatnavigator never going to sea without a store of articles that he termed"Stun
in'tun food." The captain took the pumpkin between his legs, andcarefully peeled off the whole of its greenish-yellow coat, leaving ita globe of a whitish color. He then asked for the tar-bucket, and, withhis fingers, traced various marks, which were pretty accurate outlinesof the different continents and the larger islands of the world. Theregion near the south pole, however, he left untouched; intimating thatit contained certain sealing islands, which he considered pretty much asthe private property of the Stunin'tunners.

  "Now, Doctor," he said, pointing to the pumpkin, "there is the 'arth,and here is the tar-pot--just mark down the position of your island ofLeaphigh, if you please, according to the best accounts your academy hasof the matter. Make a dab here and there, if you happen to know of anyrocks and shoals. After that, you can lay down the island where you werecaptured, giving a general idee of its headlands and of the trending ofthe coast."

  Dr. Reasono took a fid, and with its end he traced all the desiredobjects with great readiness and skill. Noah examined the work, andseemed satisfied that he had fallen into the hands of a monikin who hadvery correct notions of bearings and distances, one, in short, on whoselocal knowledge it might do to run even in the night. He then projectedthe position of Stunnin'tun, an occupation in which he took greatdelight, actually designing the meeting-house and the principal tavern;after which, the chart was laid aside.