The Monikins

by James Fenimore Cooper

  CHAPTER XIX. ABOUT THE HUMILITY OF PROFESSIONAL SAINTS, A SUCCESSIONOF TAILS, A BRIDE AND BRIDEGROOM, AND OTHER HEAVENLY MATTERS, DIPLOMACYINCLUDED.

  Perceiving that Brigadier Downright had an observant mind, and thathe was altogether superior to the clannish feeling which is so apt torender a particular species inimical to all others, I asked permissionto cultivate his acquaintance; begging, at the same time, that he wouldkindly favor me with such remarks as might be suggested by his superiorwisdom and extensive travels, on any of those customs or opinionsthat would naturally present themselves in our actual situation. Thebrigadier took the request in good part, and we began to promenade therooms in company. As the Archbishop of Aggregation, who was to performthe marriage ceremony, was shortly expected, the conversation verynaturally turned on the general state of religion in the monikin region.

  I was delighted to find that the clerical dogmas of this insulatedportion of the world were based on principles absolutely identical withthose of all Christendom. The monikins believe that they are a miserablelost set of wretches, who are so debased by nature, so eaten up byenvy, uncharitableness, and all other evil passions, that it is quiteimpossible they can do anything that is good of themselves; that theirsole dependence is on the moral interference of the great superior powerof creation; and that the very first, and the one needful step of theirown, is to cast themselves entirely on this power for support, ina proper spirit of dependence and humility. As collateral to, andconsequent on, this condition of the mind, they lay the utmost stresson a disregard of all the vanities of life, a proper subjection of thelusts of the flesh, and an abstaining from the pomp and vainglory ofambition, riches, power, and the faculties. In short, the one thingneedful was humility--humility--humility. Once thoroughly humbled toa degree that put them above the danger of backsliding, they obtainedglimpses of security, and were gradually elevated to the hopes and thecondition of the just.

  The brigadier was still eloquently discoursing on this interestingtopic, when a distant door opened, and a gold stick, or some other sortof stick, announced the right reverend father in God, his grace the mosteminent and most serene prelate, the very puissant and thrice graciousand glorified saint, the Primate of All Leaphigh!

  The reader will anticipate the eager curiosity with which I advancedto get a glimpse of a saint under a system as sublimated as that of thegreat monikin family. Civilization having made such progress as to stripall the people, even to the king and queen, entirely of everythingin the shape of clothes, I did not well see under what new mantle ofsimplicity the heads of the church could take refuge! Perhaps theyshaved off all the hair from their bodies in sign of supereminentself-abasement, leaving themselves naked to the cuticle, that they mightprove, by ocular evidence, what a poor ungainly set of wretches theyreally were, carnally considered; or perhaps they went on all-fours toheaven, in sign of their unfitness to enter into the presence of thepure of mind in an attitude more erect and confident. Well, thesefancies of mine only went to prove how erroneous and false arethe conclusions of one whose capacity has not been amplified andconcatenated by the ingenuities of a very refined civilization. Hisgrace the most gracious father in God, wore a mantle of extraordinaryfineness and beauty, the material of which was composed of every tenthhair taken from all the citizens of Leaphigh, who most cheerfullysubmitted to be shaved, in order that the wants of his most eminenthumility might be decently supplied. The mantle, wove from such a warpand such a woof, was necessarily very large; and it really appeared tome that the prelate did not very well know what to do with so much ofit, more especially as the contributions include a new robe annually. Iwas now desirous of getting a sight of his tail; for, knowing thatthe Leaphighers take great pride in the length and beauty of thatappurtenance, I very naturally supposed that a saint who wore so fineand glorious a robe, by way of humility, must have recourse to somenovel expedient to mortify himself on his sensitive subject, at least.I found that the ample proportions of the mantle concealed not only theperson, but most of the movements of the archbishop; and it was withmany doubts of my success that I led the brigadier behind the episcopaltrain to reconnoitre. The result disappointed expectation again. Insteadof being destitute of a tail, or of concealing that with which naturehad supplied him beneath his mantle, the most gracious dignitary woreno less than six caudae, viz., his own, and five others added to it, bysome subtle process of clerical ingenuity that I shall not attempt toexplain; one "bent on the other," as the captain described them in asubsequent conversation. This extraordinary train was allowed to sweepthe floor; the only sign of humility, according to my uninstructedfaculties, I could discern about the person and appearance of thisillustrious model of clerical self-mortification and humility.

  The brigadier, however, was not tardy in setting me right. In the firstplace, he gave me to understand that the hierarchy of Leaphigh wasillustrated by the order of their tails. Thus, a deacon wore one and ahalf; a curate, if a minister, one and three-quarters, and a rectortwo; a dean, two and a half, an archdeacon, three; a bishop, four; thePrimate of Leaphigh, five, and the Primate of ALL Leaphigh, six. Theorigin of the custom, which was very ancient, and of course very muchrespected, was imputed to the doctrine of a saint of great celebrity,who had satisfactorily proved that as the tail was the intellectual orthe spiritual part of a monikin, the farther it was removed from themass of matter, or the body, the more likely it was to be independent,consecutive, logical, and spiritualized. The idea had succeededastonishingly at first; but time, which will wear out even a cauda, hadgiven birth to schisms in the church on this interesting subject;one party contending that two more joints ought to be added to thearchbishop's embellishment, by way of sustaining the church, and theother that two joints ought to be incontinently abstracted, in the wayof reform.

  These explanations were interrupted by the appearance of the bride andbridegroom, at different doors. The charming Chatterissa advanced witha most prepossessing modesty, followed by a glorious train of noblemaidens, all keeping their eyes, by a rigid ordinance of hymenealetiquette, dropped to the level of the queen's feet. On the other hand,my lord Chatterino, attended by that coxcomb Hightail, and others ofhis kidney, stepped towards the altar with a lofty confidence, which thesame etiquette exacted of the bridegroom. The parties were no sooner intheir places, than the prelate commenced.

  The marriage ceremony, according to the formula of the establishedchurch of Leaphigh, is a very solemn and imposing ceremony. Thebridegroom is required to swear that he loves the bride and none butthe bride; that he has made his choice solely on account of her merits,uninfluenced even by her beauty; and that he will so far command hisinclinations as, on no account, ever to love another a jot. The bride,on her part, calls heaven and earth to witness, that she will do justwhat the bridegroom shall ask of her; that she will be his bondwoman,his slave, his solace and his delight; that she is quite certain noother monikin could make her happy, but, on the other hand, she isabsolutely sure that any other monikin would be certain to make hermiserable. When these pledges, oaths, and asseverations were dulymade and recorded, the archbishop caused the happy pair to be wreathedtogether, by encircling them with his episcopal tail, and they were thenpronounced monikin and monikina. I pass over the congratulations, whichwere quite in rule, to relate a short conversation I held with thebrigadier.

  "Sir," said I, addressing that person, as soon as the prelate said'amen,' "how is this? I have seen a certificate, myself, which showedthat there was a just admeasurement of the fitness of this union, on thescore of other considerations than those mentioned in the ceremony?"

  "That certificate has no connection with this ceremony."

  "And yet this ceremony repudiates all the considerations enumerated inthe certificate?"

  "This ceremony has no connection with that certificate."

  "So it would seem; and yet both refer to the same solemn engagement!"

  "Why, to tell you the truth, Sir John Goldencalf, we monikins (forin these particulars Leaphigh
is Leaplow) have two distinct governingprinciples in all that we say or do, which may be divided intothe theoretical and the practical--moral and immoral would not beinapposite--but, by the first we control all our interests, down as faras facts, when we immediately submit to the latter. There may possiblybe something inconsistent in appearance in such an arrangement; but thenour most knowing ones say that it works well. No doubt among men, youget along without the embarrassment of so much contradiction."

  I now advanced to pay my respects to the Countess of Chatterino, whostood supported by the countess-dowager, a lady of great dignity andelegance of demeanor. The moment I appeared, the elaborate air ofmodesty, vanished from the charming countenance of the bride, in a lookof natural pleasure; and, turning to her new mother, she pointed meout as a man! The courteous old dowager gave me a very kind reception,inquiring if I had enough good things to eat, whether I was not muchastonished at the multitude of strange sights I beheld in Leaphigh, saidI ought to be much obliged to her son for consenting to bring me over,and invited me to come and see her some fine morning.

  I bowed my thanks, and then returned to join the brigadier, with aview to seek an introduction to the archbishop. Before I relate theparticulars of my interview with that pious prelate, however, it may bewell to say that this was the last I ever saw of any of the Chatterinoset, as they retired from the presence immediately after thecongratulations were ended. I heard, however, previously to leaving theregion, which was within a month of the marriage, that the noble pairkept separate establishments, on account of some disagreement about anincompatibility of temper--or a young officer of the guards--I neverknew exactly which; but as the estates suited each other so well, thereis little doubt that, on the whole, the match was as happy as could beexpected.

  The archbishop received me with a great deal of professionalbenevolence, the conversation dropping very naturally into a comparisonof the respective religious systems of Great Britain and Leaphigh. Hewas delighted when he found we had an establishment; and I believe I wasindebted to his knowledge of this fact for his treating me more as anequal than he might otherwise have done, considering the difference inspecies. I was much relieved by this; for, at the commencement of theconversation, he had sounded me a little on doctrine, at which I am farfrom being expert, never having taken an interest in the church, andI thought he looked frowning at some of my answers; but, when he heardthat we really had a national religion, he seemed to think all safe,nor did he once, after that, inquire whether we were pagans orPresbyterians. But when I told him we had actually a hierarchy,I thought the good old prelate would have shaken my hand off, andbeatified me on the spot!

  "We shall meet in heaven some day!" he exclaimed, with holy delight;"men or monikins, it can make no great difference, after all. We shallmeet in heaven; and that, too, in the upper mansions!"

  The reader will suppose that, an alien, and otherwise unknown, I wasmuch elated by this distinction. To go to heaven in company with theArchbishop of Leaphigh was in itself no small favor; but to be thusnoticed by him at court was really enough to upset the philosophy ofa stranger. I was sorely afraid, all the while, he would descend toparticulars, and that he might have found some essential pointsof difference to nip his new-born admiration. Had he asked me, forinstance, how many caudae our bishops wear, I should have been badgered;for, as near as I could recollect, their personal illustration was ofanother character. The venerable prelate, however, soon gave me hisblessing, pressed me warmly to come to his palace before I sailed,promised to send some tracts by me to England, and then hurried away,as he said, to sign a sentence of excommunication against an unrulypresbyter, who had much disturbed the harmony of the church, of late, byan attempt to introduce a schism that he called "piety."

  The brigadier and myself discussed the subject of religion at somelength, when the illustrious prelate had taken his leave. I was toldthat the monikin world was pretty nearly equally divided into two parts,the old and the new. The latter had remained uninhabited, until within afew generations, when certain monikins, who were too good to live in theold world, emigrated in a body, and set up for themselves in the new.This, the brigadier admitted, was the Leaplow account of the matter;the inhabitants of the old countries, on the other hand, invariablymaintaining that they had peopled the new countries by sending all thoseof their own communities there, who were not fit to stay at home. Thislittle obscurity in the history of the new world, he considers of nogreat moment, as such trifling discrepancies must always depend on thecharacter of the historian. Leaphigh was by no means the only country inthe elder monikin region. There were among others, for instance,Leapup and Leapdown; Leapover and Leapthrough; Leaplong and Leapshort;Leapround and Leapunder. Each of these countries had a religiousestablishment, though Leaplow, being founded on a new social principle,had none. The brigadier thought, himself, on the whole, that the chiefconsequences of the two systems were, that the countries which hadestablishments had a great reputation for possessing religion, and thosethat had no establishments were well enough off in the article itself,though but indifferently supplied on the score of reputation.

  I inquired of the brigadier if he did not think an establishment had thebeneficial effect of sustaining truth, by suppressing heresies, limitingand curtailing prurient theological fancies, and otherwise settinglimits to innovations. My friend did not absolutely agree with me in allthese particulars; though he very frankly allowed that it had the effectof keeping TWO truths from falling out, by separating them. Thus, Leapupmaintained one set of religious dogmas under its establishment, andLeapdown maintained their converse. By keeping these truths apart, nodoubt, religious harmony was promoted, and the several ministers ofthe gospel were enabled to turn all their attention to the sins of thecommunity, instead of allowing it to be diverted to the sins of eachother, as was very apt to be the case when there was an antagonistinterest to oppose.

  Shortly after, the king and queen gave us all our conges. Noah andmyself got through the crowd without injury to our trains, and weseparated in the court of the palace; he to go to his bed and dream ofhis trial on the morrow, and I to go home with Judge People's Friend andthe brigadier, who had invited me to finish the evening with a supper. Iwas left chatting with the last, while the first went into his closetto indite a dispatch to his government, relating to the events of theevening.

  The brigadier was rather caustic in his comments on the incidents ofthe drawing-room. A republican himself, he certainly did love to giveroyalty and nobility some occasional rubs; though I must do this worthy,upright monikin the justice to say, he was quite superior to that vulgarhostility which is apt to distinguish many of his caste, and which isfounded on a principle as simple as the fact that they cannot be kingsand nobles themselves.

  While we were chatting very pleasantly, quite at our ease, and inundress as it were, the brigadier in his bob, and I with my tail aside,Judge People's Friend rejoined us, with his dispatch open in his hand.He read aloud what he had written, to my great astonishment, for I hadbeen accustomed to think diplomatic communications sacred. But the judgeobserved, that in this case it was useless to affect secrecy, for twovery good reasons; firstly, because he had been obliged to employ acommon Leaphigh scrivener to copy what he had written--his governmentdepending on a noble republican economy, which taught it that, if it didget into difficulties by the betrayal of its correspondence, it wouldstill have the money that a clerk would cost, to help it out of theembarrassment; and, secondly, because he knew the government itselfwould print it as soon as it arrived. For his part, he liked to havethe publishing of his own works. Under these circumstances, I waseven allowed to take a copy of the letter, of which I now furnish afac-simile.

  "SIR:--The undersigned, envoy-extraordinary and minister-plenipotentiaryof the North-Western Leaplow Confederate Union, has the honor to informthe secretary of state, that our interests in this portion of the earthare, in general, on the best possible footing; our national character isgetting every day to be more and more eleva
ted; our rights are more andmore respected, and our flag is more and more whitening every sea.After this flattering and honorable account of the state of our generalconcerns, I hasten to communicate the following interesting particulars.

  "The treaty between our beloved North-Western Confederate Union andLeaphigh, has been dishonored in every one of its articles; nineteenLeaplow seamen have been forcibly impressed into a Leapthrough vesselof war; the king of Leapup has made an unequivocal demonstration witha very improper part of his person, at us; and the king of Leapover hascaused seven of our ships to be seized and sold, and the money to begiven to his mistress.

  "Sir, I congratulate you on this very flattering condition ofour foreign relations; which can only be imputed to the gloriousconstitution of which we are the common servants, and to the just dreadwhich the Leaplow name has so universally inspired in other nations.

  "The king has just had a drawing-room, in which I took great care to seethat the honor of our beloved country should be faithfully attendedto. My cauda was at least three inches longer than that of therepresentative of Leapup, the minister most favored by nature in thisimportant particular; and I have the pleasure of adding, that hermajesty the queen deigned to give me a very gracious smile. Of thesincerity of that smile there can be no earthly doubt, sir; for, thoughthere is abundant evidence that she did apply certain unseemly wordsto our beloved country lately, it would quite exceed the rules ofdiplomatic courtesy, and be unsustained by proof, were we to call inquestion her royal sincerity on this public occasion. Indeed, sir, atall the recent drawing-rooms I have received smiles of the most sincereand encouraging character, not only from the king, but from all hisministers, his first-cousin in particular; and I trust they will havethe most beneficial effects on the questions at issue between theKingdom of Leaphigh and our beloved country. If they would now onlydo us justice in the very important affair of the long-standing andlong-neglected redress, which we have been seeking in vain at theirhands for the last seventy-two years, I should say that our relationswere on the best possible footing.

  "Sir, I congratulate you on the profound respect with which the Leaplowname is treated, in the most distant quarters of the earth, and on thebenign influence this fortunate circumstance is likely to exercise onall our important interests.

  "I see but little probability of effecting the object of my specialmission, but the utmost credit is to be attached to the sincerity of thesmiles of the king and queen, and of all the royal family."

  "In a late conversation with his majesty, he inquired in the kindestmanner after the health of the Great Sachem [this is the title ofthe head of the Leaplow government], and observed that our growth andprosperity put all other nations to shame; and that we might, on alloccasions, depend on his most profound respect and perpetual friendship.In short, sir, all nations, far and near, desire our alliance, areanxious to open new sources of commerce, and entertain for us theprofoundest respect, and the most inviolable esteem. You can tell theGreat Sachem that this feeling is surprisingly augmented under hisadministration, and that it has at least quadrupled during my mission.If Leaphigh would only respect its treaties, Leapthrough would ceasetaking our seamen, Leapup have greater deference for the usages of goodsociety, and the king of Leapover would seize no more of our ships tosupply his mistress with pocket-money, our foreign relations might beconsidered to be without spot. As it is, sir, they are far better offthan I could have expected, or indeed had ever hoped to see them; andof one thing you may be diplomatically certain, that we are universallyrespected, and that the Leaplow name is never mentioned without all incompany rising and waving their caudae."

  "(Signed.) JUDAS PEOPLE'S FRIEND."

  "Hon.---------, etc."

  "P. S. (Private.)"

  "Dear Sir:--If you publish this dispatch, omit the part where thedifficulties are repeated, I beg you will see that my name is put inwith those of the other patriots, against the periodical rotation ofthe little wheel, as I shall certainly be obliged to return home soon,having consumed all my means. Indeed, the expense of maintaining a tail,of which our people have no notion, is so very great, that I think noneof our missions should exceed a week in duration.

  "I would especially advise that the message should dilate on the subjectof the high standing of the Leaplow character in foreign nations; for,to be frank with you, facts require that this statement should be madeas often as possible."

  When this letter was read, the conversation reverted to religion. Thebrigadier explained that the law of Leaphigh had various peculiaritieson this subject, that I do not remember to have heard of before. Thus,a monikin could not be born without paying something to the church,a practice which early initiated him into his duties towards thatimportant branch of the public welfare; and, even when he died, he lefta fee behind him, for the parson, as an admonition to those who stillexisted in the flesh, not to forget their obligations. He added thatthis sacred interest was, in short, so rigidly protected, that, whenevera monikin refused to be plucked for a new clerical or episcopal mantle,there was a method of fleecing him, by the application of red-hot ironrods, which generally singed so much of his skin, that he was commonlywilling, in the end, to let the hair-proctors pick and choose atpleasure.

  I confess I was indignant at this picture, and did not hesitate tostigmatize the practice as barbarous.

  "Your indignation is very natural, Sir John, and is just what a strangerwould be likely to feel, when he found mercy, and charity, and brotherlylove, and virtue, and, above all, humility, made the stalking-horses ofpride, selfishness, and avarice. But this is the way with us monikins;no doubt, men manage better."