The Monikins

by James Fenimore Cooper

  CHAPTER XXII. A NEOPHYTE IN DIPLOMACY--DIPLOMATIC INTRODUCTION--ACALCULATION--A SHIPMENT OF OPINIONS--HOW TO CHOOSE AN INVOICE, WITH ANASSORTMENT.

  I now began seriously to think of sailing for Leaplow; for, I confess,I was heartily tired of being thought the governor of His Royal HighnessPrince Bob, and pined to be restored once more to my proper placein society. I was the more incited to make the change by therepresentations of the brigadier, who assured me that it was sufficientto come from foreign parts to be esteemed a nobleman in Leaplow, andthat I need not apprehend in his country any of the ill-treatment I hadreceived in the one in which I now was. After talking over the matter,therefore, in a familiar way, we determined to repair at once to theLeaplow legation, in order to ask for our passports, and to offer, atthe same time, to carry any dispatches that Judge People's Friend mighthave prepared for his government--it being the custom of theLeaplowers to trust to these godsends in carrying on their diplomaticcorrespondence.

  We found the judge in undress, and a very different figure he cut,certainly, from that which he made when I saw him the previous night atcourt. Then he was all queue; now he was all bob. He seemed glad to seeus, however, and quite delighted when I told him of the intention tosail for Leaplow, as soon as the wind served. He instantly asked apassage for himself, with republican simplicity.

  There was to be another turn of the great and little wheels, he said,and it was quite important to himself to be on the spot; for, althougheverything was, beyond all question, managed with perfect republicanpropriety, yet, somehow (and yet he did not know exactly how, butSOMEHOW), those who are on the spot always get the best prizes. If Icould give him a passage, therefore, he would esteem it a great personalfavor; and I might depend on it, the circumstance would be well receivedby the party. Although I did not very well understand what he meant bythis party, which was to view the act so kindly, I very cheerfully toldthe judge that the apartments lately occupied by my lord Chatterinoand his friends were perfectly at his disposal. I was then asked when Iintended to sail; and the answer was, the instant the wind hauled, so wecould lay out of the harbor. It might be within half an hour. HereuponJudge People's Friend begged I would have the goodness to wait until hecould hunt up a charge d'affaires. His instructions were most peremptorynever to leave the legation without a charge d'affaires; but he wouldjust brush his bob, and run into the street, and look up one in fiveminutes, if I would promise to wait so long. It would have been unkindto refuse so trifling a favor, and the promise was given. The judge musthave run as fast as his legs would carry him; for, in about ten minutes,he was back again, with a diplomatic recruit. He told me his heart hadmisgiven him sadly. The three first to whom he offered the place hadplumply refused it, and, indeed, he did not know but he should have aquarrel or two on his hands; but, at last, he had luckily found one whocould get nothing else to do, and he pinned him on the spot.

  So far everything had gone on swimmingly; but the new charge had,most unfortunately, a very long cauda, a fashion that was inexorablyproscribed by the Leaplow usages, except in cases when therepresentative went to court; for it seems the Leaplow political ethics,like your country buck, has two dresses--one for every-day wear, and onefor Sundays. The judge intimated to his intended substitute, that it wasabsolutely indispensable he should submit to an amputation, or he couldnot possibly confer the appointment, queues being proscribed at home byboth public opinions, the horizontal and the perpendicular. To this thecandidate objected, that he very well knew the Leaplow usages on thishead, but that he had seen his excellency himself going to court witha singularly apparent brush; and he had supposed from that, and fromsundry other little occurrences he did not care to particularize, thatthe Leaplowers were not so bigoted in their notions but they could acton the principle of doing at Rome as is done by the Romans. To thisthe judge replied, that this principle was certainly recognized in allthings that were agreeable, and that he knew, from experience, how hardit was to go in a bob, when all around him went in cauda; but that tailswere essentially anti-republican, and, as such, had been formally voteddown in Leaplow, where even the Great Sachem did not dare to wear one,let him long for it as much as he would; and if it were known thata public charge offended in this particular, although he might bemomentarily protected by one of the public opinions, the matter wouldcertainly be taken up by the opposition public opinion, and then thepeople might order a new turn of the little wheel, which heaven itknew! occurred now a great deal oftener than was either profitable orconvenient.

  Hereupon the candidate deliberately undid the fastenings and removed thequeue, showing, to our admiration, that it was false, and that he was,after all neither more nor less than a Leaplower in masquerade; which,by the way, I afterwards learned, was very apt to be the case with agreat many of that eminently original people, when they got withoutthe limits of their own beloved land. Judge People's Friend was nowperfectly delighted. He told us this was exactly what he could mosthave wished for. "Here is a bob," said he, "for the horizontals andperpendiculars, and there is a capital ready-made cauda for hismajesty and his majesty's first-cousin! A Leaphighized Leaplower, moreespecially if there be a dash of caricature about him, is the very thingin our diplomacy." Finding matters so much to his mind, the judge madeout the letter of appointment on the spot, and then proceeded to givehis substitute the usual instructions.

  "You are on all occasions," he said, "to take the utmost care notto offend the court of Leaphigh, or the meanest of the courtiers, byadvancing any of our peculiar opinions, all of which, beyond dispute,you have at your finger-ends; on this score, you are to be soparticular that you may even, in your own person, pro tempore, abandonrepublicanism--yea, sacred republicanism itself!--knowing that it caneasily be resumed on your return home again. You are to remember thereis nothing so undiplomatic, or even vulgar, as to have an opinion on anysubject, unless it should be the opinion of the persons you may happento be in company with; and, as we have the reputation of possessing thatquality in an eminent degree, everywhere but at home, take especial heedto eschew vulgarity--if you can. You will have the greatest care, also,to wear the shortest bob in all your private, and the longest tail inall your public relations, this being one of the most important of thecelebrated checks and balances of our government. Our institutions beingexpressly formed by the mass, for the particular benefit of all, youwill be excessively careful not to let the claims of any one citizen,or even any set of citizens, interfere with that harmony which it isso necessary, for the purposes of trade, to maintain with all foreigncourts; which courts being accustomed themselves to consider theirsubjects as cattle, to be worked in the traces of the state, aresingularly restive whenever they hear of any individual being made of somuch importance. Should any Leaplower become troublesome on this score,give him a bad name at once; and in order to effect that object withyour own single-minded and right-loving countrymen, swear that he isa disorganizer, and, my life on it, both public opinions at home willsustain you; for there is nothing on which our public opinions agreeso well as the absolute deference which they pay to foreign publicopinions--and this the more especially, in all matters that are likelyto affect profits, by deranging commerce. You will, above all things,make it a point to be in constant relations with some of the readiestparagraph-writers of the newspapers, in order to see that facts areproperly stated at home. I would advise you to look out some foreigner,who has never seen Leaplow, for this employment; one that is also paidto write for the journals of Leapup, or Leapdown, or some other foreigncountry; by which means you will be sure to get an impartial agent, orone who can state things in your own way, who is already half paid forhis services, and who will not be likely to make blunders by meddlingwith distinctive thought. When a person of this character is found,let him drop a line now and then in favor of your own sagacity andpatriotism; and if he should say a pleasant thing occasionally about me,it will do no harm, but may help the little wheel to turn more readily.In order to conceal his origin, let your paragraph-agent us
e theword OUR freely; the use of this word, as you know, being the onlyqualification of citizenship in Leaplow. Let him begin to spell the wordO-U-R, and then proceed to pronounce it, and be careful that he does notspell it H-O-U-R, which might betray his origin. Above all things, youwill be patriotic and republican, avoiding the least vindication of yourcountry and its institutions, and satisfying yourself with saying thatthe latter are, at least, well suited to the former, if you should saythis in a way to leave the impression on your hearers, that you thinkthe former fitted for nothing else, it will be particularly agreeableand thoroughly republican, and most eminently modest and praiseworthy.You will find the diplomatic agents of all other states sensitive on thepoint of their peculiar political usages, and prompt to defend them;but this is a weakness you will rigidly abstain from imitating, for ourpolity being exclusively based on reason, you are to show a dignifiedconfidence in the potency of that fundamental principle, nor in any waylessen the high character that reason already enjoys, by giving anyone cause to suspect you think reason is not fully able to take care ofitself. With these leading hints, and your own natural tendencies,which I am glad to see are eminently fitted for the great objects ofdiplomacy--being ductile, imitative, yielding, calculating, and, aboveall, of a foreign disposition--I think you will be able to get on verycleverly. Cultivate, above all things, your foreign dispositions, foryou are now on foreign duty, and your country reposes on your shouldersand eminent talents the whole burden of its foreign interests in thispart of the world."

  Here the judge closed his address, which was oral, apparently wellsatisfied with himself and with his raw-hand in diplomacy. He thensaid--

  "That he would now go to court to present his substitute, and to takeleave himself; after which he would return as fast as possible, anddetain us no longer than was necessary to put his cauda in pepper, toprotect it against the moths; for heaven knew what prize he might drawin the next turn of the little wheel!"

  We promised to meet him at the port, where a messenger just theninformed us Captain Poke had landed, and was anxiously waiting ourappearance. With this understanding we separated; the judge undertakingto redeem all our promises paid in at the tavern, by giving his own intheir stead.

  The brigadier and myself found Noah and the cook bargaining for someprivate adventures with a Leaphigh broker or two, who, finding that theship was about to sail in ballast, were recommending their wares to thenotice of these two worthies.

  "It would be a ra'al sin, Sir John," commenced the captain, "to neglectan occasion like this to turn a penny. The ship could carry ten thousandimmigrants, and they say there are millions of them going over toLeaplow; or it might stow half the goods in Aggregation. I'm resolved,at any rate, to use my cabin privilege; and I would advise you, asowner, to look out for suthin' to pay port-charges with, to say theleast."

  "The idea is not a bad one, friend Poke; but, as we are ignorant of thestate of the market on the other side, it might be well to consult someinhabitant of the country about the choice of articles. Here is theBrigadier Downright, whom I have found to be a monikin of experience andjudgment, and if you please, we will first hear what he has to say aboutit."

  "I dabble very little in merchandise," returned the brigadier; "but,as a general principle, I should say that no article of Leaphighmanufacture would command so certain a market in Leaplow as opinions."

  "Have you any of these opinions for sale?" I inquired of the broker.

  "Plenty of them, sir, and of all qualities--from the very lowest to thevery 'ighest prices--those that may be had for next to nothing, to thosethat we think a great deal of ourselves. We always keeps them readypacked for exportation, and send wast invoices of them, hannually, toLeaplow in particular. Opinions are harticles that help to sell eachother; and a ship of the tonnage of yours might stow enough, providedthey were properly assorted, to carry all before them for the season."

  Expressing a wish to see the packages, we were immediately led into anadjoining warehouse, where, sure enough, there were goodly lots ofthe manufactures in question. I passed along the shelves, reading theinscriptions of the different packages. Pointing to several bundlesthat had "Opinions on Free Trade" written on their labels, I asked thebrigadier what he thought of that article.

  "Why, they would have done better, a year or two since, when we weresettling a new tariff; but I should think there would be less demand forthem now."

  "You are quite right, sir," added the broker; "we did send largeinvoices of them to Leaplow formerly, and they were all eagerly boughtup, the moment they arrived. A great many were dyed over again, andsold as of 'ome manufacture. Most of these harticles are now shipped forLeapup, with whom we have negotiations that give them a certain value."

  "'Opinions on Democracy, and on the Policy of Governments in General': Ishould think these would be of no use in Leaplow?"

  "Why, sir, they goes pretty much hover the whole world. We sell powerson 'em on hour own continent, near by, and a great many do go even toLeaplow; though what they does with 'em there, I never could say, seeingthey are all government monikins in that queer country."

  An inquiring look extorted a clearer answer from the brigadier:--

  "To admit the fact, we have a class among us who buy up these articleswith some eagerness. I can only account for it, by supposing they thinkdiffering in their tastes from the mass, makes them more enlightened andpeculiar."

  "I'll take them all. An article that catches these propensities is sureof sale. 'Opinions on Events': what can possibly be done with these?"

  "That depends a little on their classification," returned the brigadier."If they relate to Leaplow events, while they have a certain value, theycannot be termed of current value; but if they refer to the events ofall the rest of the earth, take them for heaven's sake! for we trustaltogether to this market for our supplies."

  On this hint I ordered the whole lot, trusting to dispose of the leastfashionable by aid of those that were more in vogue.

  "'Opinions on Domestic Literature.'"

  "You may buy all he has; we use no other."

  "'Opinions on Continental Literature.'"

  "Why, we know little about the goods themselves--but I think a selectionmight answer."

  I ordered the bale cut in two, and took one half, at a venture.

  "'Opinions of Leaplow Literature, From No. 1 up to No. 100.'"

  "Ah! it is proper I should explain," put in the broker, "that we has twovarieties of them 'ere harticles. One is the true harticle, as is gotup by our great wits and philosophers, they says, on the most approvedmodels; but the other is nothing but a sham harticle that is reallymanufactured in Leaplow, and is sent out here to get hour stamp. That'sall--I never deceives a customer--both sell well, I hear, on the otherside, 'owever."

  I looked again at the brigadier, who quietly nodding assent, I took thewhole hundred bales.

  "'Opinions of the Institutions of Leaphigh.'"

  "Why, them 'ere is assorted, being of all sizes, forms, and colors. Theycame coastwise, and are chiefly for domestic consumption; though I haveknown 'em sent to Leaplow, with success."

  "The consumers of this article among us," observed the brigadier, "arevery select, and rarely take any but of the very best quality. But thenthey are usually so well stocked, that I question if a new importationwould pay freight. Indeed, our consumers cling very generally to theold fashions in this article, not even admitting the changes produced bytime. There was an old manufacturer called Whiterock, who has a sortof Barlow-knife reputation among us, and it is not easy to get anotherarticle to compete with his. Unless they are very antiquated, I wouldhave nothing to do with them."

  "Yes, this is all true, sir. We still sends to Leaplow quantities ofthat 'ere manufacture; and the more hantiquated the harticle, the betterit sells; but then the new fashions has a most wonderful run at 'ome."

  "I'll stick to the real Barlow, through thick or thin. Hunt me up abale of his notions; let them be as old as the flood. What have wehere?-
-'opinions on the Institutions of Leaplow.'"

  "Take them," said the brigadier, promptly.

  "This 'ere gentleman has an hidear of the state of his own market,"added the broker, giggling. "Wast lots of these things go acrossyearly--and I don't find that any on 'em ever comes back."

  "'Opinions on the State of Manners and Society in Leaplow.'"

  "I believe I'll take an interest in that article myself, Sir John,if you can give me a ton or two between decks. Have you many of thismanufacture?"

  "Lots on 'em, sir--and they DO sell so! That 'ere are a good harticleboth at 'ome and abroad. My eye! how they does go off in Leaplow!"

  "This appears to be also your expectation, brigadier, by your readinessto take an interest!"

  "To speak the truth, nothing sells better in our beloved country."

  "Permit me to remark that I find your readiness to purchase this andthe last article, a little singular. If I have rightly comprehended ourprevious conversations, you Leaplowers profess to have improved notonly on the ancient principles of polity, but on the social conditiongenerally."

  "We will talk of this during the passage homewards, Sir John Goldencalf;but, by your leave, I will take a share in the investment in 'Opinionson the State of Society and Manners in Leaplow,' especially if theytreat at large on the deformities of the government, while they allowus to be genteel. This is the true notch--some of these goods have beencondemned because the manufacturers hadn't sufficient skill in dyeing."

  "You shall have a share, brigadier. Harkee, Mr. Broker; I take it thesesaid opinions come from some very well-known and approved manufactory?"

  "All sorts, sir. Some good, and some good for nothing--everythingsells, 'owever. I never was in Leaplow, but we says over 'ere, thatthe Leaplowers eat, and drink, and sleep on our opinions. Lord, sir, itwould really do your heart good to see the stuff, in these harticles,that they does take from us without higgling!"

  "I presume, brigadier, that you use them as an amusement--as a means topass a pleasant hour, of an evening--a sort of moral segar?"

  "No, sir," put in the broker, "they doesn't smoke 'em, my word on't, orthey wouldn't buy 'em in such lots!"

  I now thought enough had been laid in on my own account, and I turnedto see what the captain was about. He was higgling for a bale marked"Opinions on the Lost Condition of the Monikin Soul." A little curiousto know why he had made this selection, I led him aside, and frankly putthe question.

  "Why, to own the truth, Sir John," he said, "religion is an article thatsells in every market, in some shape or other. Now, we are all in thedark about the Leaplow tastes and usages, for I always suspect a nativeof the country to which I am bound, on such a p'int; and if the thingsshouldn't sell there, they'll at least do at Stunnin'tun. Miss Pokealone would use up what there is in that there bale, in a twelvemonth.To give the woman her due, she's a desperate consumer of snuff andreligion."

  We had now pretty effectually cleared the shelves, and the cook, whohad come ashore to dispose of his slush, had not yet been able to getanything.

  "Here is a small bale as come FROM Leaplow, and a pinched little thingit is," said the broker, laughing; "it don't take at all, here, and itmight do to go 'ome again--at any rate, you will get the drawback. It isfilled with 'Distinctive Opinions of the Republic of Leaplow.'" The cooklooked at the brigadier, who appeared to think the speculation doubtful.Still it was Hobson's choice; and, after a good deal of grumbling,the doctor, as Noah always called his cook, consented to take the"harticle," at half the prime cost.

  Judge People's Friend now came trotting down to the port, thoroughly enrepublican, when we immediately embarked, and in half an hour, Bob waskicked to Noah's heart's content, and the Walrus was fairly under wayfor Leaplow.