Saving Della-Ray

by Le Carre, Georgia

  “A woman with a big heart who thinks everyone else lives by her high standards too. Now answer me. Was he a biker or a regular dude?”

  I shrugged and turned back to Jess.

  She grinned innocently at me, a thick ring of tomato sauce around her lips.

  I smiled back at her, before turning back to Nichole. “I have no idea. How can you tell?”

  “By their patch. You know, the symbol of their club, they usually wear it on their clothes or sometimes they even tattoo it onto their bodies.”

  "Well, I don't remember seeing any patches on him. He was just in a black tee and a pair of faded jeans.”

  Nichole put a soapy hand on her hip. "And why couldn't you afford to pay?"

  "I have no idea. My paycheck should have cleared the night before, so I didn't even bother checking my balance before I went to the store."

  She frowned. "Have you got some instalments other than your loan payment coming out?”

  "Not any more, I took them all off my card … even the phone contract. It was becoming a nightmare to even have money in the card.”

  Her face filled with anxiety.

  “Please don’t worry about it, Nichole. I’ve got it all figured out. I’ve called all my creditors and agreed to pay them all in small instalments. By the end of this year, I should be debt-free. And I'll sort my paycheck out when I get to the bar tonight. Perhaps Karl just forgot to bank it."

  I saw her mentally bite back whatever she wanted to say and return to her dishes in silence.

  I was sorry I had brought up the issue of my debts. “Are we going to at least talk about how hot he was?” I asked lightly.

  She turned back, one eyebrow raised. "You want to say all that in front of Jess?"

  I turned to my little niece, my heart aching just a little bit when her face broke into another huge smile of pure trust and love. I threw a teasing look at Nichole. “I don’t think Jess will mind if Nichole and I indulge in a bit of girl talk."

  "I'm not in the mood for girl talk," Nichole shot back. "I'm not happy."

  "Well, I am. So … just back off."

  "Are you really?" Her eyes moved to Jess.

  I instantly grew defensive. I knew what she was thinking. "Yes, Nichole," I replied firmly. "I'm incredibly, deliriously happy.”

  "I'm not," she stated firmly.

  "For Pete's sake, what's wrong with you today?"

  "I saw your shoes at the entrance.” Her frown dug deep into her forehead. “They look battered.”

  "Of course, they are. I've had them for almost two years and worn them almost every day."

  “Exactly!" she said. "You need new shoes."

  "And?"

  "You need to buy them."

  I blinked at her. "All this harassment was because I need to buy some new shoes?"

  “No, all this is because that is not the only thing you need."

  "Nichole …" I softened my voice trying to understand her. "What is wrong with you today? Did something happen at work?"

  She made a frustrated sound. "No, nothing happened at work. I'm just tired of seeing you this way. You have two jobs and everything else you can get your hands on in between. This is not the first time your card has been declined. You've stopped going to the mart by your work because you're sure now that they've labeled you and now, you go all the way to Walmart to get bits and pieces."

  "That's because it's cheaper." I shrugged.

  "Of course," she replied. "You go thirty minutes away from home to get milk because it's a dollar cheaper. You’re not living, Della-Ray and I can't breathe. Watching you ... I just can't breathe. I’ve known you for ten years now, and you weren't like this. You had dreams and plans even. More than any of us. You wanted to be a writer, remember? You used to write all the time. You wanted out of that forsaken town we lived in. You dreamed of going to New York ... You wanted to live and create. Instead, look where we’ve ended up. When was the last time you wrote anything other than a food order?"

  I pushed so angrily out of my chair that it fell back behind me.

  Jess jumped and made a surprised O with her mouth.

  Controlling myself, I looked down at her and brushed her hair away from her face. "I’m sorry, sweetie. Did I startle you?”

  She shook her head.

  “I tell you what, why don’t you go and wash your hands and face and we’ll go and play on the swing for a while.”

  “Yay,” she agreed happily.

  The silence in the room was palpable as she slid out of her chair and walked out of the room. I closed the door and leaned against it.

  "Della-Ray," Nichole said into the deadly silence. “Listen to me. For once, freaking listen to me. You can't keep doing this. The years are going to go by and one day, you'll wake up and not be able to recognize yourself."

  "What do I fucking do then?" I exploded, my chest constricting with pain at her words. “What do I fucking do? You want me to abandon Jess?"

  I thought she would back down, but she didn't. "You want me to tell you what I really think?”

  “Obviously.”

  “All right, I will. I’m not going to pussyfoot around this situation anymore. I’m going to be the friend I’ve always been and be dead honest with you.” She took a deep breath and went on, “I want you to give Jess up for adoption. Before you say anything, my brother is adopted and my parents have loved him as much as they have me. With the right people, they could be a better option than you struggling to take it all upon yourself. I honestly do think the best thing you can do for her is to find her a good home, where they will love her and give her the best medical attention she needs.”

  I stared at her in disbelief. "You really think that's possible?”

  She nodded firmly. “Yes, I really do.”

  “In that case, you’re crazy. To start with, I would never ever abandon her, and also you think there are people who will take in a child with down syndrome and a cardiovascular heart disease by choice, huh? The last time she ended up in hospital, I used up every bit of savings I had and then some."

  "You don't know that no one will take her," she argued. "You haven't tried. There are people with money and kind hearts.”

  “Nichole, let’s get one thing straight. I’m not putting her up for adoption. Over my dead body. Can you see Jess in some other home, without me? It would break her heart.”

  “She’s only four. She’ll get over it.”

  “I wouldn’t.” My voice was shaking.

  “Oh, Del. What about you, though? What about your life?”

  “She is my life and I can’t believe that you can’t see that.”

  “All I know is that Denise wanted to give her up as soon as she was born, but you stepped in and stopped it."

  "I'm the bad guy now? For not abandoning the child my sister gave birth to?”

  "You are," she shot back.

  I stared at her, taken aback.

  "To yourself,” she continued. “Okay, so you gave up on the idea of living in New York as a writer, but at least if you were in some way working towards becoming a writer, I wouldn’t mind so much. We came here so we could both pursue our artistic dreams, instead every dime you make and every free hour you have goes into Jess’s care. You pay absolutely no attention to yourself. To the things you want or even need. You can’t even get a boyfriend because no guy wants to be saddled with the kind of baggage you’re carrying around with you. Even that shitbag, Michael, that you hooked up with was only pretending to like Jess. You're not living and you're going to regret it."

  “As for Michael, I have to be grateful to Jess. If not for her, I might have wasted more time on that loser. And as for being an author, I promise, I’ll start writing again. Soon. When I’m debt-free.”

  Her voice rose. “Then let me help pay off your debts … please.”

  “I can’t let you do that, Nichole. If I did, you won’t be able to carry on with your apprenticeship. Please, just trust me … I’ve worked it all out. By the end of t
his year, I should be in the clear again.”

  She looked at me with sadness in her eyes. “What happens if Jess gets sick again before that, or even after that?”

  A wave of horror swept over me.

  She saw the shudder I couldn’t conceal and pounced, “You can’t even get insurance for that girl, can you? What will you do if she gets sick again like she did last winter, Della?”

  I pushed away the fear that kept me awake at night and answered her quietly, “I don’t know, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.”

  "You can't keep avoiding this, Della. You’re not doing Jess any favors keeping her when you can’t afford to take care of her properly."

  I dropped my head in guilty silence. It was true that I couldn’t provide Jess with the best health care, but no one could give her more love than I could and maybe that would be enough … if we were lucky and she didn’t get sick again. After all, the doctor said he had never seen a healthier child during our last visit.

  When I didn't respond, Nichole continued with her rampage, “Give Jess up, Della. You cannot sacrifice yourself for her, and as much as you hate to hear it, she really does deserve better."

  I lifted my chin. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but Jess is mine and I won’t give her up. Ever."

  "I know you love Jess, but you can't give up your own happiness for her. How do you think she'd feel when she grows up to know she was the reason you lost your greatest dream? Would that make her happy? Would you wish that kind of life where she put everyone else before herself for her? Would you?”

  I was out of the room before she could finish her sentence, but her words were still ringing in my ears. My heart felt as if it was being crushed in my chest. Nichole called me to come back and stop being a coward, but I ignored her.

  I found Jess in the bathroom standing on her pink plastic stool almost done with washing her face and hands. Her almond shaped eyes focused on me and immediately a big smile split her face, but it faltered and changed to one of confusion. “What’s the matter, Della?”

  I shook my head and knelt next to her. “Nothing, honey. Nothing is the matter.”

  She frowned at me, her little pink tongue sticking out slightly. “Then you gotta smile.”

  I forced a smile and she immediately smiled back happily.

  "You know, I'll always take care of you, right," I said to her as I brushed the thin blonde strands of hair away from her face.

  Her answer was simple and without hesitation, “Yeah.”

  My sister’s blood ran in her veins, but she was as much a part of me as my hands were. She didn't choose any of this, and I'd be damned if I let her suffer any more than she needed to. No matter what happened, I would never give her up.

  Gage

  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s43FpUG9uxQ

  I felt like I was flying.

  Going a hundred and twenty on the Harley, the highway wide open and the looming trees zooming past like ghosts. It was the only time I breathed deeply and felt my lungs fill with clean, smoke-free air. It was wonderful to leave behind the rage that usually consumed me. Here, I was one with earth.

  I could forget the lying cheating human beings in my path.

  In these moments, little else existed, but the possibility that it could all come to a crashing end … and then nothing would matter. The thought excited and terrified me and at the same time, a perfect adrenaline fest. So I sped on, until I tore past the county's Chief Deputy’s vehicle. His sirens began to blare into the still summer evening. I thought about ignoring the interruption, but I knew better.

  I slowed down.

  Pulling up by the side of the road, I watched him drag himself out of the vehicle in my mirror. He came over, the swagger of authority was evident from his black shoes to his slicked back hair. I guess he was one of the good guys.

  "You were going over the limit there—" He stopped suddenly as I pushed my sunglasses onto my head. There was no smile on his face. "Breaking the law on my turf, Miller?"

  "It's one of those days," I responded.

  Yeah, he understood. Nothing more needed to be said.

  I slipped the glasses back over my eyes, and revved my bike back to life. Something that looked suspiciously like pity flashed in his eyes and instantly it turned my mood sour.

  "Take it easy," he said to me. "I'll let you off this time."

  With a nod, I lifted my feet off the ground and was on my way. Something about the expression in his eyes had spoiled my mood permanently. Even the wind in my hair didn’t feel good anymore. I felt restless and angry. I could die tomorrow. And for what? My life was one long, lonely shit fest. Every day, I wallowed in the stink and the disgusting slime. What was there for me?

  Easy, Gage, a little voice in my head warned, but I wasn’t listening.

  Damnit, I needed something for me too. A little taste of sweetness.

  Do you want to get both of you killed, you fool? the voice asked.

  I hit the pedal hard and the bike shot forward. The world around me became a blur. Adrenaline poured into my blood. It calmed me right down. The weak moment passed away. Of course, I would never endanger her. The twist in my gut remained, a physical pain. I knew I had to see her again. Not to start anything. I wasn’t stupid. She was trouble. That much was clear. I just … I just wanted to look at her face again. One fucking look and then I’d be on my way. Maybe one day when all this was over, I would go back for her.

  I knew exactly where I’d find her. I’d heard her tell the cashier where she worked. In less than half an hour, I was back in town. I stopped across from Good Eats, a diner downtown I’d never been in before, on account of its wholesome family vibe. Places like that weren’t for me. I’d stick out like a sore thumb, but that was okay, since I wasn’t planning on going in.

  I brushed my hair, matted from the wind, out of my eyes and looked through the windows into the bright red decor. A corny sign on the wall said, ‘Pie fixes everything.’ My eyes swept around looking for her. When I spotted her I felt like a lost, condemned man whose heart is accidentally touched by the tip of an angel’s wing. Something inside me burst open and flooded with brilliant color.

  She was wearing a canary yellow uniform. Her hair was tied back, and she was wiping down a recently vacated table. Her movements were quick and fluid. It was as if she had cleaned a thousand tables in her young life.

  Someone must have called out to her, because she lifted her head, then started to make her way towards the kitchen. I watched her walk away and Jesus, the girl was so fucking thin I wanted to take her back to my place and feed her for a week.

  As she disappeared out of sight, my boots landed on the ground. The soft thud reverberating in my head. I didn’t question my actions as I disembarked. Chasing after trouble was what I was doing, but I told myself all I wanted was a bit of pie. After that, I would leave. Maybe pie would fix what ailed me. I walked through the door, I found myself walking towards the table she had cleaned.

  It was no big deal. A bit of pie, then I was walking away.

  Della Ray

  "Della-Ray! Della-Ray!"

  I was sitting on the corner stool of the kitchen, my mouth filled with a less than graceful bite of buckeye pie.

  "Hmm," I sounded out, but it was more than enough for Gloria to locate me.

  She bounced over, her eyes enormous in her heart shaped face, and almost crashed into me.

  I blinked in surprise and waited for her to catch her breath with a hand over her full chest. I somehow managed to chew fast enough and swallow before she could get herself together. "What's wrong?"

  “One of your tables," she began.

  "Are they leaving?" I asked, immediately putting my plate aside and started to hurry of.

  She grabbed my arm and stopped me.

  I couldn’t understand what had gotten into her. “What’s up, Gloria?”

  "Here’s the thing. There's a new customer in,” she explained in a rush, “but I want to take him.”
<
br />   Gloria wanted one of my customers? I stared at her curiously. "Why?"

  "Consider this a favor," she said. "He's … let's just say he's what I need right now."

  Confused, I headed over to the kitchen door to peep out through the round glass cut out, but I could see no one. She pulled me forward for a better view and then I saw him.

  Everything stilled.

  I couldn’t believe my eyes. I stared, dumbfounded as he pulled his phone out of his pocket and began to browse through it. Almost in a shocked daze, my eyes drifted towards the window. Through it, I spotted his big black bike. The devilish machine and its devastatingly sexy owner hadn't left my mind since I had become the object of his charity yesterday.

  "Let me take the table, please?" Gloria pleaded, pulling on my arm.

  I snapped out of my daze and focused on her.

  "After my break-up with Al, this is exactly the kind of man I need right now. All that leather and … tattoos … and big, rippling muscles. Damn, I usually don't fancy bikers, but he is the good kind ... all dark and tormented ... aaand he's looking over here. Shit, move!"

  She pulled me backwards so hard we almost stumbled and landed on the floor.

  I moved away from her. "Actually, I know him.”

  Her expression turned hostile. "You do? How?"

  "Uh … we've met at the grocery store … so I need to take his table. Sorry.”

  She scoffed in disbelief.

  “Sorry,” I said again.

  "Whatever," she muttered sarcastically and flounced off.

  Quickly, I wiped whatever traces of peanut butter and chocolate was left around my lips. Taking a deep breath, I pulled myself out of hiding and headed over to the man who looked like a dark overlord in our small friendly diner. “Hello! May I take your order?" I asked brightly.

  A whiff of his dangerous scent assaulted my senses, as he lifted his intensely blue gaze to mine. I found myself holding my breath for absolutely no reason. It was plain silly, but it just didn’t seem logical to breathe in that moment. I waited for recognition to flash through those incredible eyes, but he only regarded me coldly for a few seconds before looking down at the menu again.