The Very Best of Caitlín R. Kiernan

by Caitlin R. Kiernan

  “Do you still have the stones?” the psychologist asks, finally, and Hannah shrugs out of habit.

  “Somewhere, probably. I never throw anything away. They might be up at Dad’s place, for all I know. A bunch of my shit’s still up there, stuff from when I was a kid.”

  “But you haven’t tried to find them?”

  “I’m not sure I want to.”

  “When is the last time you saw them, the last time you can remember having seen them?”

  And Hannah has to stop and think, chews intently at a stubby thumbnail and watches the clock on the psychologist’s desk, the second hand traveling round and round and round. Seconds gone for pennies, nickels, dimes.

  Hannah, this is the sort of thing you really ought to try to get straight ahead of time, she thinks in a voice that sounds more like Dr. Valloton’s than her own thought-voice. A waste of money, a waste of time. . . .

  “You can’t remember?” the psychologist asks and leans a little closer to Hannah.

  “I kept them all in an old cigar box. I think my grandfather gave me the box. No, wait. He didn’t. He gave it to Judith, and then I took it after the accident. I didn’t think she’d mind.”

  “I’d like to see them someday, if you ever come across them again. Wouldn’t that help you to know whether it was a dream or not, if the stones are real?”

  “Maybe,” Hannah mumbles around her thumb. “And maybe not.”

  “Why do you say that?”

  “A thing like that, words scratched onto a handful of stones, it’d be easy for a kid to fake. I might have made them all myself. Or someone else might have made them, someone playing a trick on me. Anyone could have left them there.”

  “Did people do that often? Play tricks on you?”

  “Not that I can recall. No more than usual.”

  Edith Valloton writes something else on her yellow pad and then checks the clock.

  “You said that there were always stones after the dreams. Never before?”

  “No, never before. Always after. They were always there the next day, always in the same place.”

  “At the old well,” the psychologist says, like Hannah might have forgotten and needs reminding.

  “Yeah, at the old well. Dad was always talking about doing something about it, before the accident, you know. Something besides a couple sheets of corrugated tin to hide the hole. Afterwards, of course, the county ordered him to have the damned thing filled in.”

  “Did your mother blame him for the accident, because he never did anything about the well?”

  “My mother blamed everyone. She blamed him. She blamed me. She blamed whoever had dug that hole in the first goddamn place. She blamed God for putting water underground so people would dig wells to get at it. Believe me, Mom had blame down to an art.”

  And again, the long pause, the psychologist’s measured consideration, quiet moments she plants like seeds to grow ever deeper revelations.

  “Hannah, I want you to try to remember the word that was on the first stone you found. Can you do that?”

  “That’s easy. It was follow.”

  “And do you also know what was written on the last one, the very last one that you found?”

  And this time she has to think, but only for a moment.

  “Fall,” she says. “The last one said fall.”

  4.

  Half a bottle of Mari Mayans borrowed from an unlikely friend of Peter’s, a goth chick who DJs at a club that Hannah’s never been to because Hannah doesn’t go to clubs. Doesn’t dance and has always been more or less indifferent to both music and fashion. The goth chick works days at Trash and Vaudeville on St. Mark’s, selling Doc Martens and blue hair dye only a couple of blocks from the address on the card that Peter gave her. The place where the party is being held. La Fête de la Fée Verte, according to the small white card, the card with the phone number. She’s already made the call, has already agreed to be there, seven o’clock sharp, seven on the dot, and everything that’s expected of her has been explained in detail, twice.

  Hannah’s sitting on the floor beside her bed, a couple of vanilla-scented candles burning because she feels obligated to make at least half a half-hearted effort at atmosphere. Obligatory show of respect for mystique that doesn’t interest her, but she’s gone to the trouble to borrow the bottle of liqueur; the bottle passed to her in a brown paper bag at the boutique, anything but inconspicuous, and the girl glared out at her, cautious from beneath lids so heavy with shades of black and purple that Hannah was amazed the girl could open her eyes.

  “So, you’re supposed to be a friend of Peter’s?” the girl asked suspiciously.

  “Yeah, supposedly,” Hannah replied, accepting the package, feeling vaguely, almost pleasurably illicit. “We’re chess buddies.”

  “A painter,” the girl said.

  “Most of the time.”

  “Peter’s a cool old guy. He made bail for my boyfriend once, couple of years back.”

  “Really? Yeah, he’s wonderful,” and Hannah glanced nervously at the customers browsing the racks of leather handbags and corsets, then at the door and the bright daylight outside.

  “You don’t have to be so jumpy. It’s not illegal to have absinthe. It’s not even illegal to drink it. It’s only illegal to import it, which you didn’t do. So don’t sweat it.”

  Hannah nodded, wondering if the girl was telling the truth, if she knew what she was talking about. “What do I owe you?” she asked.

  “Oh, nothing,” the girl replied. “You’re a friend of Peter’s, and, besides, I get it cheap from someone over in Jersey. Just bring back whatever you don’t drink.”

  And now Hannah twists the cap off the bottle, and the smell of anise is so strong, so immediate, she can smell it before she even raises the bottle to her nose. Black jelly beans, she thinks, just like Peter said, and that’s something else she never cared for. As a little girl, she’d set the black ones aside—and the pink ones too—saving them for her sister. Her sister had liked the black ones.

  She has a wine glass, one from an incomplete set she bought last Christmas, secondhand, and she has a box of sugar cubes, a decanter filled with filtered tap water, a spoon from her mother’s mismatched antique silverware. She pours the absinthe, letting it drip slowly from the bottle until the fluorescent yellow-green liquid has filled the bottom of the glass. Then Hannah balances the spoon over the mouth of the goblet and places one of the sugar cubes in the tarnished bowl of the spoon. She remembers watching Gary Oldman and Winona Ryder doing this in Dracula, remembers seeing the movie with a boyfriend who eventually left her for another man, and the memory and all its associations are enough to make her stop and sit staring at the glass for a moment.

  “This is so fucking silly,” she says, but part of her, the part that feels guilty for taking jobs that pay the bills, but have nothing to do with painting, the part that’s always busy rationalizing and justifying the way she spends her time, assures her it’s a sort of research. A new experience, horizon-broadening something to expand her mind’s eye, and, for all she knows, it might lead her art somewhere it needs to go.

  “Bullshit,” she whispers, frowning down at the entirely uninviting glass of Spanish absinthe. She’s been reading Absinthe: History in a Bottle and Artists and Absinthe, accounts of van Gogh and Rimbaud, Oscar Wilde and Paul-Marie Verlaine and their various relationships with this foul-smelling liqueur. She’s never had much respect for artists who use this or that drug as a crutch and then call it their muse; heroin, cocaine, pot, booze, what-the-hell-ever, all the same shit as far as she’s concerned. An excuse, an inability in the artist to hold himself accountable for his own art, a lazy cop-out, as useless as the idea of the muse itself. And this drug, this drug in particular, so tied up with art and inspiration there’s even a Renoir painting decorating the Mari Mayans label, or at least it’s something that’s supposed to look like a Renoir.

  But you’ve gone to all this trouble. Hell, you may as well ta
ste it, at least. Just a taste, to satisfy curiosity, to see what all the fuss is about.

  Hannah sets the bottle down and picks up the decanter, pouring water over the spoon, over the sugar cube. The absinthe louches quickly to an opalescent, milky white-green. Then she puts the decanter back on the floor and stirs the half-dissolved sugar into the glass, sets the spoon aside on a china saucer.

  “Enjoy the ride,” the goth girl said as Hannah walked out of the shop. “She’s a blast.”

  Hannah raises the glass to her lips, sniffs at it, wrinkling her nose, and the first, hesitant sip is even sweeter and more piquant than she expected, sugar-soft fire when she swallows, a seventy-proof flower blooming hot in her belly. But the taste not nearly as disagreeable as she’d thought it would be, the sudden licorice and alcohol sting, a faint bitterness underneath that she guesses might be the wormwood. The second sip is less of a shock, especially since her tongue seems to have gone slightly numb.

  She opens Absinthe: History in a Bottle again, opening the book at random, and there’s a full-page reproduction of Albert Maignan’s The Green Muse. A blonde woman with marble skin, golden hair, wrapped in diaphanous folds of olive, her feet hovering weightless above bare floorboards, her hands caressing the forehead of an intoxicated poet. The man is gaunt and seems lost in some ecstasy or revelry or simple delirium, his right hand clawing at his face, the other hand open in what might have been meant as a feeble attempt to ward off the attentions of his unearthly companion. Or, Hannah thinks, perhaps he’s reaching for something. There’s a shattered green bottle on the floor at his feet, a full glass of absinthe on his writing desk.

  Hannah takes another sip and turns the page.

  A photograph, Verlaine drinking absinthe in the Café Procope.

  Another, bolder swallow, and the taste is becoming familiar now, almost, almost pleasant.

  Another page. Jean Béraud’s Le Boulevard, La Nuit.

  When the glass is empty, and the buzz in her head, behind her eyes, is so gentle, buzz like a stinging insect wrapped in spider silk and honey, Hannah takes another sugar cube from the box and pours another glass.

  5.

  “Fairies.

  ‘Fairy crosses.’

  Harper’s Weekly, 50–715:

  That, near the point where the Blue Ridge and the Allegheny Mountains unite, north of Patrick County, Virginia, many little stone crosses have been found.

  A race of tiny beings.

  They crucified cockroaches.

  Exquisite beings—but the cruelty of the exquisite. In their diminutive way they were human beings. They crucified.

  The ‘fairy crosses,’ we are told in Harper’s Weekly, range in weight from one-quarter of an ounce to an ounce: but it is said, in the Scientific American, 79–395, that some of them are no larger than the head of a pin.

  They have been found in two other states, but all in Virginia are strictly localized on and along Bull Mountain . . . I suppose they fell there.” Charles Fort, The Book of the Damned (1919)

  6.

  In the dream, which is never the same thing twice, not precisely, Hannah is twelve years old and standing at her bedroom window watching the backyard. It’s almost dark, the last rays of twilight, and there are chartreuse fireflies dappling the shadows, already a few stars twinkling in the high indigo sky, the call of a whippoorwill from the woods nearby.

  Another whippoorwill answers.

  And the grass is moving. The grass grown so tall because her father never bothers to mow it anymore. It could be wind, only there is no wind; the leaves in the trees are all perfectly, silently still, and no limb swaying, no twig, no leaves rustling in even the stingiest breeze. Only the grass.

  It’s probably just a cat, she thinks. A cat, or a skunk, or a raccoon.

  The bedroom has grown very dark, and she wants to turn on a lamp, afraid of the restless grass even though she knows it’s only some small animal, awake for the night and hunting, taking a short cut across their backyard. She looks over her shoulder, meaning to ask Judith to please turn on a lamp, but there’s only the dark room, Judith’s empty bunk, and she remembers it all again. It’s always like the very first time she heard, the surprise and disbelief and pain always that fresh, the numbness that follows that absolute.

  “Have you seen your sister?” her mother asks from the open bedroom door. There’s so much night pooled there that she can’t make out anything but her mother’s softly glowing eyes the soothing color of amber beads, two cat-slit pupils swollen wide against the gloom.

  “No, Mom,” Hannah tells her, and there’s a smell in the room then like burning leaves.

  “She shouldn’t be out so late on a school night.”

  “No, Mom, she shouldn’t,” and the eleven-year-old Hannah is amazed at the thirty-five-year-old’s voice coming from her mouth. The thirty-five-yearold Hannah remembers how clear, how unburdened by time and sorrow, the eleven-year-old Hannah’s voice could be.

  “You should look for her,” her mother says.

  “I always do. That comes later.”

  “Hannah, have you seen your sister?”

  Outside, the grass has begun to swirl, rippling round and round upon itself, and there’s the faintest green glow dancing a few inches above the ground.

  The fireflies, she thinks, though she knows it’s not the fireflies, the way she knows it’s not a cat, or a skunk, or a raccoon making the grass move.

  “Your father should have seen to that damned well,” her mother mutters, and the burning leaves smell grows a little stronger. “He should have done something about that years ago.”

  “Yes, Mom, he should have. You should have made him.”

  “No,” her mother replies angrily. “This is not my fault. None of it’s my fault.”

  “No, of course it’s not.”

  “When we bought this place, I told him to see to that well. I told him it was dangerous.”

  “You were right,” Hannah says, watching the grass, the softly pulsing cloud of green light hanging above it. The light is still only about as big as a basketball. Later, it’ll get a lot bigger. She can hear the music now, pipes and drums and fiddles, like a song from one of her father’s albums of folk music.

  “Hannah, have you seen your sister?”

  Hannah turns and stares defiantly back at her mother’s glowing, accusing eyes.

  “That makes three, Mom. Now you have to leave. Sorry, but them’s the rules,” and her mother does leave, that obedient phantom fading slowly away with a sigh, a flicker, a half second when the darkness seems to bend back upon itself, and she takes the burning leaves smell with her.

  The light floating above the backyard grows brighter, reflecting dully off the windowpane, off Hannah’s skin and the room’s white walls. The music rises to meet the light’s challenge.

  Peter’s standing beside her now, and she wants to hold his hand, but doesn’t, because she’s never quite sure if he’s supposed to be in this dream.

  “I am the Green Fairy,” he says, sounding tired and older than he is, sounding sad. “My robe is the color of despair.”

  “No,” she says. “You’re only Peter Mulligan. You write books about places you’ve never been and people who will never be born.”

  “You shouldn’t keep coming here,” he whispers, the light from the backyard shining in his grey eyes, tinting them to moss and ivy.

  “Nobody else does. Nobody else ever could.”

  “That doesn’t mean—”

  But he stops and stares speechlessly at the backyard.

  “I should try to find Judith,” Hannah says. “She shouldn’t be out so late on a school night.”

  “That painting you did last winter,” Peter mumbles, mumbling like he’s drunk or only half awake. “The pigeons on your windowsill, looking in.”

  “That wasn’t me. You’re thinking of someone else.”

  “I hated that damned painting. I was glad when you sold it.”

  “So was I,” Hannah says.
“I should try to find her now, Peter. My sister. It’s almost time for dinner.”

  “I am ruin and sorrow,” he whispers.

  And now the green light is spinning very fast, throwing off gleaming flecks of itself to take up the dance, to swirl about their mother star, little worlds newborn, whole universes, and she could hold them all in the palm of her right hand.

  “What I need,” Peter says, “is blood, red and hot, the palpitating flesh of my victims.”

  “Jesus, Peter, that’s purple even for you,” and Hannah reaches out and lets her fingers brush the glass. It’s warm, like the spring evening, like her mother’s glowing eyes.

  “I didn’t write it,” he says.

  “And I never painted pigeons.”

  She presses her fingers against the glass and isn’t surprised when it shatters, explodes, and the sparkling diamond blast is blown inward, tearing her apart, shredding the dream until it’s only unconscious, fitful sleep.

  7.

  “I wasn’t in the mood for this,” Hannah says and sets the paper saucer with three greasy, uneaten cubes of orange cheese and a couple of Ritz crackers down on one corner of a convenient table. The table is crowded with fliers about other shows, other openings at other galleries. She glances at Peter and then at the long, white room and the canvases on the walls.

  “I thought it would do you good to get out. You never go anywhere anymore.”

  “I come to see you.”

  “My point exactly, dear.”

  Hannah sips at her plastic cup of warm merlot, wishing she had a beer instead.

  “And you said that you liked Perrault’s work.”

  “Yeah,” she says. “I’m just not sure I’m up for it tonight. I’ve been feeling pretty morbid lately, all on my own.”

  “That’s generally what happens to people who swear off sex.”

  “Peter, I didn’t swear off anything.”

  And she follows him on their first slow circuit around the room, small talk with people that she hardly knows or doesn’t want to know at all, people who know Peter better than they know her, people whose opinions matter and people whom she wishes she’d never met. She smiles and nods her head, sips her wine, and tries not to look too long at any of the huge, dark canvases spaced out like oil and acrylic windows on a train.