by Jason Ball
I know what Marcus would say:
Think about those who’ve lived without limits – those that have done it all: scaled the peaks of fame, plumbed the depths of disaster, surfed the waves of chance.
Where are they now? Smoke, dust, stories.
The examples are legion. Drugged-out actors. Burnt-out executives. Aged rockers chasing one more fix. How pointless are the things people like these chase after. (Book 12, Meditation 27)
The eagle-eyed among you will have noticed that I talked about the need to avoid becoming too attached to the things and people around you.
It’s true that the Stoics warned that it isn’t just trying to hold on to stuff that’s a problem, it’s trying to hold on to people too. This is, perhaps, at the root of the characterisation of Stoics as unfeeling automatons.
Caring about others is a good thing. If there was a bit more common empathy in the world, it’d be a fundamentally better place. So why should you resist the pull of your fellow humans?
We’ll turn our focus to that in the next section.
Making it work for you – five key questions
What stuff is owning you? What do you have or want that limits your freedom?
Could you embrace a period of voluntary poverty to reset your stuffometer?
What do you own that brings you real joy (but that you take for granted)?
How can you limit the influence of people and companies who want to sell you more stuff?
What stuff should you throw out, like right now?
5
The Surprising Power Of Indifference
‘Anyone can live a perfectly good life if they are indifferent to things which are fundamentally indifferent to them.’
In any relationship – love, hate, family, friends with benefits, whatever – there are at least two people in the loop. In fact, in today’s hyper-connected world, there are often many, many more (though we probably need to loosen our definition of ‘relationship’ when we move from the physical world to the mainly virtual one).
Thing is, you are only ever one part of this equation. Everyone else will have their own minds, opinions, objectives and strange quirks of human nature. It’s what makes them absolutely fascinating and totally frustrating in equal measure.
The problems come when we start to think we can control others’ thoughts and behaviour. Why can’t they see that our way is so infinitely better? Why do they keep doing that thing? What’s wrong with these people?
This is something we see in the thinking of the earlier Stoic, Epictetus, who says that core to a good life is understanding the difference between things we have control over and things we don’t. The things we have control over basically come down to our thoughts. The things we can’t control are pretty much everything else (especially the people around us).
Marcus picks up on the people aspect of this in Book 4:
You can’t change people, they’ll act as they will. Expecting anything different is like expecting a cat to bark. But why worry? Soon we’ll be dead and a little while later, no one will remember us anyway. (Book 4, Meditation 6)
Now we might argue that reality is less binary. After all, there are things we can influence, for right or wrong, even if we cannot ultimately control them. However, the key here is that people can come unstuck when they focus too much on areas they simply cannot control.
We see this in friends who want to ‘fix’ their partners. Or in parents who are determined their little darling follows a particular career. Or in those same little darlings later in life who are certain they should receive a promotion (and are devastated when it passes them by).
We see this illustrated in Book 2:
It’s kind of sad when you see people going around in circles trying to get into other people’s heads. The truth is, the only head you really need to get into is your own. Once you know your own mind, you can be calm, focused and at peace with the world. (Book 2, Meditation 13)
In this, the Stoics would argue that it is better to cultivate a position of indifference. From this standpoint, we simply roll with the punches, the ups and downs of life. We don’t take these things personally or think the universe has it in for us. We just get on with living the best life open to us within the context we find ourselves in.
Now, it’s important here to make the distinction between Stoic indifference and modern apathy. Indifference isn’t simply a recipe for meh. It isn’t an excuse to avoid engaging with the world and not even trying to make a difference. Rather, it’s about not getting too attached to the outcome of these efforts.
Marcus picks up on the need to at least try to have a positive impact on the world around us in Book 9:
When you’re up against something you can’t control, relax. When you do act, always be honest and fair. In either case, focus on making the world a better place for others while being true to yourself. (Book 9, Meditation 31)
But he also cautions against doing all this simply to attract praise or rewards, this would be to fixate on achieving a positive outcome for ourselves:
When you’ve done a good deed and someone else has benefited, shouldn’t that be reward enough? Why do you need anything more? It’s only idiots who are desperate for prizes and applause. (Book 7, Meditation 73)
This idea of indifference goes further than simply refusing to get downhearted when people and things don’t do what we want. It also extends to how we react when others upset or attack us. Put simply, if we are confident we’re being true to ourselves and doing the right thing, we shouldn’t take it personally.
In Book 10, for example, Marcus highlights the fact that when we get angry or depressed about others’ criticisms, we are giving them too much credit – it’s them, not us:
From the moment you get up, ask yourself, 'Does it really matter if others criticise my actions when I know they are correct?' Of course not.
People who are so quick to praise you or blame you are just the same in the rest of their lives. Think about all the stuff they do, what they chase after or take from others they attack – not just with their hands but with the highest part of their selves, the part that’s the source of fairness, truth, honour and justice. (Book 10, Meditation 13)
Marcus argues that when you are attacked, it is simply down to the culprit making a mistake or letting their emotions get the better of them. It is certainly not something that should damage our sense of self-worth. In this, he challenges us to think about how we ourselves behave and to recognise that, on a deeper level, we’re all susceptible to the same kinds of impulses:
When someone offends you, consider whether you have similar faults. Do you too love money, fame and pleasure too much?
Once you realise they’re only doing what they do because they are driven by these impulses, you’ll be less angry. What else could they have done?
Alternatively, if you can, help them see things another way (you’ll help yourself too). (Book 10, Meditation 30)
Marcus does concede, however, that we should pay attention to valid criticisms and those that come from a respected source. We should, he says, take steps to correct our behaviour if someone can show that we’re wrong. But for the most part, he’d take the view that worrying about whether others like us or hate us is not worth wasting time on (see the ‘life is short’ theme above).
Importantly, whatever happens, he’d say that it isn’t events themselves that are important but rather our opinions of them. Or as Shakespeare’s Hamlet would later say, ‘There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.’ Marcus makes good use of this idea, steeling us against overinvesting in others’ opinions or inflating the importance of events in our heads when the reality is something quite different.
This is an important warning for us in the 21st century, watching our newsfeeds, hyperalert for signs of either praise and recognition or attacks, slights and negative triggers. We live in a time where people seem to be more eager to take offence than ever. Where freedom of speech is valued
but only if it is the right kind of speech. And where this is magnified across social media, tribal politics and university campuses.
Marcus would tell us to get over ourselves.
He would argue that no matter what someone says about you behind your back or to your face, no real harm is being done. Or at least, for you to feel harm, your mind has to cooperate with your attacker. In fact, he’d go even further and say that even if someone physically attacks you, it is still only your mind that perceives the pain and that you can minimise this by detaching as much as possible from physical sensations.
He brings all this thinking together in Book 11 with nine-and-a-bit rules for anyone who wants to avoid taking offence:
When someone pisses you off, here are some things that could help.
First, remember that we’re all part of one big human family. Strip it back further and we’re all made of the same atoms (mostly oxygen, carbon, hydrogen, nitrogen, calcium and phosphorus). We’re all intelligent, thinking creatures who have scraped our way to the top of the pyramid on this beautiful planet we call home.
Second, think about what the offending person is really like in all the roles they play in their lives. What’s pressuring them to think and act the way they do? How much is it all to do with their own self-esteem?
Third, what if they’re right? Then you have no reason to complain. And if they’re wrong, they’ve simply made a mistake. Just as no one wants to be lied to, no one wants to do wrong either. Imagine how they’d react if they were accused of being unfair or greedy or stupid. They’d be pretty quick to get angry.
Fourth, look, just between us, you know that you sometimes piss people off too. So really, you’re no different than them. On a good day, you’re on top of this but the inclination is still there, lurking in a corner of your brain. Chances are, the only thing holding you back is a worry of what others would think.
Fifth, you don’t really know for sure they’re doing anything wrong. You can’t see into their heart. People’s motives are never 20:20 (even to themselves). You need to be super clear on this before condemning someone else’s behaviour.
Sixth, if you’re getting impatient and frustrated by it all, remind yourself, life’s short. And when you’re dead, who’ll really care?
Seventh, it’s not what they’ve done that’s getting to you, it’s just your opinions of their actions. Ditch this and the offence will evaporate before your eyes. How do you do this? Remind yourself that their offence hasn’t done any real harm to you, not to the core of who you are.
Eighth, getting so wound up about it will only really damage you and won’t affect the root cause of your offence.
Ninth, last one, it’s difficult for anyone to resist genuine kindness. Even when someone is trying to be a total dick, it won’t work if you meet them with gentle good humour. Sure, try to correct them if you can or else jump in before they get started with a 'You know, we’re both fellow humans in this crazy world. You might want to hurt me but that’s not how I roll. You’re just going to get all worked up for nothing.'
Be polite about it. Point out how other animals don’t act like this (and they aren’t as smart as your accuser). But don’t be sarcastic or picky. Be genuinely nice. You’re not their school teacher and needn’t play to the crowd (whether they’re with you in person or hovering over the retweet button). And even if there are others around, treat the situation as if it was just the two of you there alone.
Keep all this in mind and live up to your best self. But even though you’re protecting yourself from attack, don’t go sucking up to anyone, especially the person offending you. That won’t help.
Remember, losing your temper is never the solution. There is more to be gained from being authentically rational and humane, from being gentle and calm. That’s strength. Anger is simply weakness.
One more thing, a bonus if you like: haters gonna hate. To expect bad people never to do bad things is just foolish. It’s not going to happen. In the same way, tolerating them being dicks to others while getting angry when they do it to you is simply irrational. (Book 11, Meditation 18)
If you take nothing else from the Meditations, you could do a lot worse than choosing this passage.
Making it work for you – five key questions
What do you try to control that you simply can’t?
Who has upset you recently? What mistake were they making?
Think of someone you know personally and dislike – how are you similar to them?
For a recent annoying experience, how did your opinions contribute to how you felt/reacted?
What personal criticisms have you heard that you should pay attention to?
6
Zero Degrees Of Separation
‘Ever since the Big Bang, things have come into being in the same way and will continue to do so until the end of time. How can you claim then that everything is getting worse? That the world is condemned to turmoil and despair forever?’
The final theme we see throughout the Meditations is the central idea that everything is connected. In many ways, all the other core themes can be seen as subsets of this.
Marcus views the universe as a well-ordered whole where things happen as a series of causes and effects. While Marcus’s view almost certainly had more to do with the whims of the gods than ours would, in other ways this is a very modern idea.
You’ve probably come across the butterfly effect. A butterfly on the other side of the planet flaps its wings. This creates a ripple effect that, eventually, contributes to a hurricane forming many thousands of miles away. Marcus and the other Stoics would be absolutely at home with this idea.
For his part, Marcus picks up this theme in Book 4:
Whatever occurs always follows on from what happened before. It’s not just a random hodgepodge of events but an orderly sequence of cause and effect. Just as everything that already exists works as part of the whole, everything new takes its place in the great cosmic clockwork too. (Book 4, Meditation 45)
Now, this view could be seen as somewhat fatalistic – stuff is going to happen to you because it’s the natural end result of something that happened at the beginning of time. But in this, Marcus treads a line between the ‘roll with the punches’ view we’ve already explored and the ‘do what we can right now’ imperative to make the world a better place.
Again, this comes down to the fact that the present moment is all we ever have. No matter how long and complex the chain of events, what’s happened up until this very second has happened.
Call it fate, luck, the gods, whatever. There is nothing you can do about it. However, while that’s all history, you are now free to do what you can with the cards you’re dealt. It’s what you do now that matters. And because everything is connected, the consequences of your actions could be far-reaching.
The good news is that you have a fair amount of freedom in your choices. You can choose to make wise decisions that play to your best self. Or you can make poor decisions and give in to your baser instincts. It’s up to you. One thing you can’t do, however, is mess with the laws of nature and the wider universe.
Marcus returns to this theme early in Book 5:
So your doctor tells you to stay hydrated and prescribes a course of antibiotics. Fair enough. Of course, flip this round and we could say nature has prescribed some disease, disfigurement or disability. The former prescription is about making you better, the latter about fulfilling your destiny.
Think of it like a fine stone wall, all the blocks fitting neatly together to make something whole and solid. It’s the result of a series of events fitting together just so to deliver a certain outcome.
We might say, 'So-and-so had it coming' and yes, they did. Just as we accept our doctor’s prescription (even if the medicine tastes foul), we should also accept what the world serves up. It’s just part of the way of things.
In fact, there are two reasons why you should chill out about what happens to you. The first is that it i
s the inevitable result of a whole series of events seen and unseen that was always going to end at precisely this point in time. The second is that these events are part of the universe, and to change what’s happened to date is to break the whole (good luck with that).
So quit bitching about it. (Book 5, Meditation 8)
This inability to change the fundamental nature of the universe should appear blindingly obvious. But a quick look around provides ample evidence of people who seem to believe they can wish their version of reality into existence. Or seem hell-bent on living in a make-believe fake reality where only their actions matter. One where they’re free to do what they want with no consequences.
But to do so is to take a blinkered view of the world around us. One where we zoom in and in and in to our individual needs, wants and worries until we can see precious little else. This leads us to view our immediate, personal world as all-encompassing. In a very real way, we completely lose perspective.
Here’s how Marcus puts it in Book 7:
According to Plato (and a whole bunch of people who’ve been up to space), anyone who wants to make pronouncements about the world should look down on events from way up above.
