Last Argument of Kings

by Joe Abercrombie

  Bayaz took a discerning step forward. 'Perhaps the top button undone here—'

  Jezal jerked away with some annoyance. The attention of the Magus to every tiny detail of his life was becoming more than tiresome. It seemed that he could scarcely use the latrine without the old bastard poking through the results. 'I know how to button a coat!' he snapped. 'Should I expect to find you here tonight when I bring my new wife to our bed-chamber, ready to instruct me on how best to use my prick?'

  The footmen coughed, and averted their eyes, and scraped away towards the corners of the room. Bayaz himself neither smiled nor frowned. 'I stand always ready to advise your Majesty, but I had hoped that might be one item of business you could manage alone.'

  'I hope you're well prepared for our little outing. I've been getting ready all morn—' Ardee froze when she looked up and saw Glokta's face. 'What happened to you?'

  'What, this?' He waved his hand at the mottled mass of bruises. 'A Kantic woman broke into my apartments in the night, punched me repeatedly and near drowned me in the bath.' An experience I would not recommend.

  Evidently she did not believe him. 'What really happened?'

  'I fell down the stairs.'

  'Ah. Stairs. They can be brutal bastards when you're not that firm on your feet.' She stared at her half-full glass, her eyes slightly misty.

  'Are you drunk?'

  'It's the afternoon, isn't it? I try always to be drunk by now. Once you start a job you should give it your best. Or so my father liked to tell me.'

  Glokta narrowed his eyes at her, and she stared back evenly over the rim of her glass. No trembling lip, no tragic face, no streaks of bitter tears down the cheek. She seemed no less happy than usual. Or no more unhappy, perhaps. But Jezal dan Luthar's wedding day can be no joyous occasion for her. No one appreciates being jilted, whatever the circumstances. No one enjoys being abandoned.

  'We need not go, you know.' Glokta winced as he tried unsuccessfully to stretch some movement into his wasted leg, and the wince itself caused a ripple of pain through his split lips and across his battered face. 'I certainly won't complain if I do not have to walk another step today. We can sit here, and talk of rubbish and politics.'

  'And miss the king's marriage?' gasped Ardee, one hand pressed to her chest in fake horror. 'But I really must see what the Princess Terez is wearing! They say she is the most beautiful woman in the world, and even scum like me must have someone to look up to.' She tipped back her head and swilled down the last of her wine. 'Having fucked the groom is really no excuse for missing a wedding, you know.'

  The flagship of Grand Duke Orso of Talins ploughed slowly, deliberately, majestically forwards, under no more than quarter sail, a host of seabirds flapping and calling in the rich blue sky above. It was by far the largest ship that Jezal, or anyone among the vast crowds that lined the quay and crammed the roofs and windows of the buildings along the waterfront, had ever laid eyes upon.

  It was decked out in its finest: coloured bunting fluttered from the rigging and its three towering masts were hung with bright flags, the sable cross of Talins and the golden sun of the Union, side by side in honour of the happy occasion. But it looked no less menacing for that. It looked as Logen Ninefingers might have in a dandy's jacket. Unmistakably still a man of war, and appearing more savage rather than less for the gaudy finery in which it was plainly uncomfortable. As the means of bringing a single woman to Adua, and that woman Jezal's bride-to-be, this mighty vessel was anything but reassuring. It implied that Grand Duke Orso might be an intimidating presence as a father-in-law.

  Jezal saw sailors now, crawling among the myriad ropes like ants through a bush, bringing the acres of sailcloth in with well-practised speed. They let the mighty ship plough forward under its own momentum, its vast shadow falling over the quay and plunging half the welcoming party into darkness. It slowed, the air full of the creaking of timbers and hawsers. It came to a deliberate stop, dwarfing the now tiny-seeming boats meekly tethered to either side as a tiger might dwarf kittens. The golden figurehead, a woman twice life-size thrusting a spear towards the heavens, glittered menacingly far over Jezal's head.

  A huge wharf had been specially constructed in the middle of the quay where the draught was at its deepest. Down this gently sloping ramp the royal party of Talins descended into Adua, like visitors from a distant star where everyone was rich, beautiful, and obliviously happy.

  To either side marched a row of bearded guardsmen, all dressed in identical black uniforms, their helmets polished to a painful pitch of mirror brightness. Between them, in two rows of six, came a dozen ladies-in-waiting, each one arrayed in red, or blue, or vivid purple silks, each one as splendid as a queen herself.

  But not one of the awestruck multitude on the waterfront could have been in any doubt who was the centre of attention. The Princess Terez glided along at the fore: tall, slender, impossibly regal, as graceful as a circus dancer and as stately as an Empress of legend. Her pure white gown was stitched with glittering gold, her shimmering hair was the colour of polished bronze, a chain of daunting diamonds flashed and sparkled on her pale chest in the bright sunlight. The Jewel of Talins seemed at that moment an apt name indeed. Terez looked as pure and dazzling, as proud and brilliant, as hard and beautiful as a flawless gemstone.

  As her feet touched the stones the crowds burst out into a tumultuous cheer, and flower petals began to fall in well-orchestrated cascades from the windows of the buildings high above. So it was that she advanced on Jezal with magnificent dignity, her head held imperiously high, her hands clasped proudly before her, over a soft carpet and through a sweet-smelling haze of fluttering pink and red.

  To call it a breathtaking entrance would have been understatement of an epic order.

  'Your August Majesty,' she murmured, somehow managing to make him feel like the humble one as she curtsied, and behind her the ladies followed suit, and the guardsmen bowed low, all with impeccable coordination. 'My father, the Grand Duke Orso of Talins, sends his profound apologies,' and she rose up perfectly erect again as though hoisted by invisible strings, 'but urgent business in Styria prevents him from attending our wedding.'

  'You are all we need,' croaked Jezal, cursing silently a moment later as he realised he had completely ignored the proper form of address. It was somewhat difficult to think clearly, under the circumstances. Terez was even more breathtaking now than when he had last seen her, a year or more ago, arguing savagely with Prince Ladisla at the feast held in his honour. The memory of her vicious shrieking did little to encourage him, but then Jezal would hardly have been delighted by the prospect of marrying Ladisla himself. After all, the man had been a complete ass. Jezal was an entirely different sort of person and could no doubt expect a different response. So he hoped.

  'Please, your Highness,' and he held out his hand to her. She rested hers on it, seeming to weigh less than a feather.

  'Your Majesty does me too much honour.'

  The hooves of the grey horses crackled on the paving, the carriage-wheels whirred smoothly. They set off up the Kingsway, a company of Knights of the Body riding in tight formation around them, arms and armour glinting, each stride of the great thoroughfare lined with appreciative commoners, each door and window filled with smiling subjects. All there to cheer for their new king, and for the woman soon to be their queen.

  Jezal knew he must look an utter idiot next to her. A clumsy, lowborn, ill-mannered oaf, who had not the slightest right to share her carriage, unless, perhaps, she was using him as a footrest. He had never in his life felt truly inferior before. He could scarcely believe that he was marrying this woman. Today. His hands were shaking. Positively shaking. Perhaps some heartfelt words might help them both relax.

  'Terez…' She continued to wave imperiously to the crowds. 'I realise… that we do not know each other in the least, but… I would like to know you.' The slightest twitch of her mouth was the only sign that she had heard him. 'I know that this must have come as a t
errible shock to you, just as it has to me. I hope, if there is anything I can do… to make it easier, that—'

  'My father feels the interests of my country are best served by this marriage, and it is a daughter's place to obey. Those of us born to high station are long prepared to make sacrifices.'

  Her perfect head turned smoothly on her perfect neck, and she smiled. A smile slightly forced, perhaps, but no less radiant for that. It was hard to believe that a face so smooth and flawless could be made of meat, like everybody else's. It seemed like porcelain, or polished stone. It was a constant, magical delight to see it move. He wondered if her lips were cool or warm. He would have liked very much to find out. She leaned close to him, and placed her hand gently on the back of his. Warm, undoubtedly warm, and soft, and very much made of flesh. 'You really should wave,' she murmured, her voice full of Styrian song.

  'Er, yes,' he croaked, his mouth very dry, 'yes, of course.'

  Glokta stood, Ardee beside him, and frowned at the doors of the Lords' Round. Beyond those towering gates, in the great circular hall, the ceremony was taking place. Oh, joyous, joyous day! High Justice Marovia's wise exhortations would be echoing from the gilded dome, the happy couple would be speaking their solemn vows with light hearts. Only the lucky few had been allowed within to bear witness. The rest of us must worship from afar. And quite a crowd had gathered to do just that. The wide Square of Marshals was choked with them. Glokta's ears were stuffed with their excited babbling. A sycophantic throng, all eager for their divine Majesties to emerge.

  He rocked impatiently back and forth, from side to side, grimacing and hissing, trying to get the blood to flow in his aching legs, the cramps to be still. But standing in one place for this length of time is, to put it simply, torture.

  'How long can a wedding take?'

  Ardee raised one dark eyebrow. 'Perhaps they couldn't keep their hands off each other, and are busy consummating the marriage right there on the floor of the Lords' Round.'

  'How bloody long can a consummation take?'

  'Lean on me if you need to,' she said, holding out her elbow to him.

  'The cripple using the drunk for support?' Glokta frowned. 'We make quite the couple.'

  'Fall over if you prefer, and knock out the rest of your teeth. I'll lose no sleep over it.'

  Perhaps I should take her up on the offer, if only for a moment. After all, where's the harm? But then the first shrill cheers began to float up, soon joined by more and more until a jubilant roar was making the air throb. The doors of the Lords' Round were finally being heaved open, and the High King and Queen of the Union emerged into the bright sunlight, hand in hand.

  Even Glokta was forced to admit that they made a dazzling pair. Like monarchs of myth they stood arrayed in brilliant white, trimmed with twinkling embroidery, matching golden suns across the back of her long gown and his long coat, glittering as they turned to the crowds. Each tall, and slender, and graceful, each crowned with shining gold and a single flashing diamond. Both so very young, and so very beautiful, and with all their happy, rich, and powerful lives ahead of them. Hurrah! Hurrah for them! My shrivelled turd of a heart bursts open with joy!

  Glokta rested his hand on Ardee's elbow, and he leaned towards her, and he smiled his most twisted, toothless, grotesque grin. 'Is it really true that our King is more handsome than I?'

  'Offensive nonsense!' She thrust out her chest and tossed her head, giving Glokta a withering sneer down her nose. 'And I sparkle more brightly than the Jewel of Talins!'

  'Oh, you do, my dear, you absolutely do. We make them look like beggars!'

  'Like scum.'

  'Like cripples.'

  They chuckled together as the royal pair swept majestically across the square, accompanied by a score of watchful Knights of the Body. The Closed Council followed behind at a respectful distance, eleven stately old men with Bayaz among them in his arcane vestments, smiling almost as wide as the glorious couple themselves.

  'I didn't even like him,' muttered Ardee under her breath, 'to begin with. Not really.' That certainly makes two of us.

  'No need to weep. You're far too sharp to have been satisfied with a dullard like him.'

  She breathed in sharply. 'I'm sure you're right. But I was so bored, and lonely, and tired.' And drunk, no doubt. She shrugged her shoulders hopelessly. 'He made me feel like I was something more than a burden. He made me feel… wanted.'

  And what makes you suppose that I want to know about it? 'Wanted, you say? How wonderful. And now?'

  She looked miserably down at the ground, and Glokta felt just the smallest trace of guilt. But guilt only really hurts when there's nothing else to worry about.

  'It was hardly as if it was true love.' He saw the thin sinews in her neck moving as she swallowed. 'But somehow I always thought it would be me making a fool of him.'

  'Huh.' How rarely any of us get what we expect.

  The royal party processed gradually out of view, the last splendid courtiers and shining bodyguards tramping after them, the sound of rapturous applause creeping off towards the palace. Towards their glorious futures, and we guilty secrets are by no means invited.

  'Here we stand,' murmured Ardee. 'The off-cuts.'

  'The wretched leavings.'

  'The rotten stalks.'

  'I wouldn't worry over much.' Glokta gave a sigh. 'You are still young, clever, and passably pretty.'

  'Epic praise indeed.'

  'You have all your teeth and both your legs. A marked advantage over some of us. I do not doubt that you will soon find some other highborn idiot to entrap, and no harm done.'

  She turned away from him, and hunched her shoulders, and he guessed that she was biting her lip. He winced, and lifted his hand to lay it on her shoulder… The same hand that cut Sepp dan Teufels fingers into slices, that pinched the nipples from Inquisitor Harker's chest, that carved one Gurkish emissary into pieces and burned another, that sent innocent men to rot in Angland, and so on, and so on… He jerked it back, and let it fall. Better to cry all the tears in the world than be touched by that hand. Comfort comes from other sources, and flows to other destinations. He frowned out across the square, and left Ardee to her misery.

  The crowd cheered on.

  It was a magnificent event, of course. No effort or expense had been spared. Jezal would not have been at all surprised if he had five hundred guests, and no more than a dozen of them known to himself in any significant degree. The Lords and Ladies of the Union. The great men of Closed and Open Councils. The richest and the most powerful, dressed in their best and on their best behaviour.

  The Chamber of Mirrors was a fitting venue. The most spectacular room in the entire palace, as big as a battlefield and made to seem larger yet by the great mirrors which covered every wall, creating the disconcerting impression of dozens of other magnificent weddings, in dozens of other adjoining ballrooms. A multitude of candles flickered and waved on the tables, and in the sconces, and among the crystal chandeliers high above. Their soft light shone on the silverware, glittered on the jewels of the guests, and was reflected back from the dark walls, gleaming into the far, dim distance: a million points of light, like the stars in a dark night sky. A dozen of the Union's finest musicians played subtle and entrancing music, and it mingled with the swell of satisfied chatter, the clink and rattle of old money and new cutlery.

  It was a joyous celebration. The evening of a lifetime. For the guests.

  For Jezal it was something else, and he was not sure what. He sat at a gilded table with his queen beside him, the two of them outnumbered ten to one by fawning servants, displayed to the full view of the whole assembly as though they were a pair of prize exhibits in a zoo. Jezal sat in a haze of awkwardness, in a dreamlike silence, startling from time to time like a sick rabbit as a powdered footman blindsided him with vegetables. Terez sat on his right, occasionally spearing the slightest morsel with a discerning fork, lifting it, chewing it, swallowing it with elegant precision. Jezal had n
ever thought that it was possible to eat beautifully. He now realised his mistake.

  He could scarcely remember the ringing words of the High Justice that had, he supposed, bound the two of them irrevocably together. Something about love and the security of the nation, he vaguely recalled. But he could see the ring that he had handed numbly to Terez in the Lords' Round, its enormous blood-red stone glittering on her long middle finger. He chewed at a slice of the finest meat, and it tasted like mud in his mouth. They were man and wife.

  He saw now that Bayaz had been right, as always. The people longed for something effortlessly higher than themselves. They might not all have had the king they would have asked for, but no one could possibly deny that Terez was all a queen should be and more. The mere idea of Ardee West sitting in that gilded chair was absurd. And yet Jezal felt a pang of guilt when the idea occurred, closely followed by a greater one of sadness. It would have been a comfort to have someone to talk to, then. He gave a painful sigh. If he was to spend his life with this woman, they would have to speak. The sooner they began, he supposed, the better.

  'I hear that Talins… is a most beautiful city.'

  'Indeed,' she said with careful formality, 'but Adua has its sights also.' She paused, and looked down unhopefully at her plate.

  Jezal cleared his throat. 'This is somewhat… difficult to adjust to.' He ventured a fraction of a smile.

  She blinked, and looked out at the room. 'It is.'

  'Do you dance?'

  She turned her head smoothly to look at him without the slightest apparent movement of her shoulders. 'A little.'

  He pushed back his chair and stood up. 'Then shall we, your Majesty?'

  'As you wish, your Majesty.'

  As they made their way towards the middle of the wide floor, the chatter gradually diminished. The Chamber of Mirrors grew deathly quiet aside from the clicking of his polished boots, and her polished shoes, on the glistening stone. Jezal swallowed as they took their places, surrounded on three sides by the long tables, and the legions of magnificent guests, all watching. He had rather that same feeling of breathless anticipation, of fear and excitement, that he had used to have when he stepped into the fencing circle against an unknown opponent, before the roaring crowd.