Justified

by Jay Crownover

  Luckily, I didn’t have to save myself. Case’s phone rang right before I attempted to climb him like a tree. He pulled away with a sudden start, setting me back on my wobbly feet very carefully. His hat had gotten knocked askew, and there was a flush on his high cheekbones under his scruff. His eyes felt like they cut right through me as we gazed at each other in tense, stunned silence.

  Somewhat clumsily he swiped at his phone and put it to his ear. “Lawton.” He barked the word out, shifting his gaze away from mine.

  While he was distracted, I touched my tingling lips with shaking fingers and tried desperately to pull my head out of the Case-shaped clouds. I fell heavily against the counter, so thankfully I didn’t end up on the floor as my knees knocked together.

  “It’s only been an hour, Gamble. I told you I would set up the meeting and I will.” Case’s eyes cut in my direction, and he frowned. “Come by my place tonight when my shift is over. You can question her then.” He scowled at whatever the person on the other end of the phone said and hung up without saying good-bye.

  He reached up and fixed his hat, dragging his hand over his face in a weary gesture after he was set back to rights.

  “Aspen.” He said my name and nothing else, but I could hear so many things inside the single word. Regret. Anger. Embarrassment. Guilt. Shame. But there was also a hint of arousal, the rough rasp of excitement hidden under all the other things. He didn’t want to want me, but he did. I was going to have to take a minute and figure out what to do with that new information.

  I took my hand, which was still touching my tingling mouth, and held it out defensively in front of me. “Don’t say anything. Just don’t.” It was a lapse in judgment that was a long time coming. This moment was a tear in our actuality, one I could still mend as long as we didn’t rip it open any wider. “Who wants to talk to me? I thought you didn’t want anyone to know I was staying here.” I crossed my arms over my chest and tried to create as much space between us as possible.

  “Since the shooting has made national news, the Texas Rangers sent up an investigator to help with the case. They always get involved in any high-profile or special investigation. The Ranger on the case wants to ask you a few questions, since you were obviously the target. Hill Gamble actually grew up here in Loveless, but I think he was already graduated when you moved here. We all hung out together when we were younger. He’s a good cop, one I don’t mind butting in on my turf. I told him you wouldn’t mind talking to him, but I want to be there, and I still don’t want you leaving this house.” He shifted his weight on his feet. “That is if you’re still comfortable staying here.”

  The flush was back on the blades of his cheekbones. He was too rugged and hard to ever be called cute, but the flush was incredibly endearing, and it was nice to see he could still be a gentleman, even toward me. He really was a good guy.

  I sighed and turned back to the open laptop. “That’s fine. It’s all fine. I told you, let’s just forget about what just happened.” I’d picked up the art of ignoring the elephant in the room at a young age, so I was really good at it. I waved a hand in the direction of the stove. “Take some lunch. I was starving, and a PB and J wasn’t going to cut it, so I made chicken and dumplings. Your neighbor does a good job keeping your pantry stocked.”

  “You made this?” I was slightly offended he sounded so surprised.

  “I did.” I was a pretty good cook. At David’s insistence, I’d taken a class or two when he and I were dating. All good wives in the South were supposed to know how to cook. Luckily, it turned out I liked it.

  “I thought you were a vegetarian.” He gave me a critical look and I nearly fell over when I realized that he remembered the fact I didn’t eat meat back in the day.

  “Umm…I was up until I went to college. It was hard to keep up with when I was on my own, and I realized I didn’t stop eating meat because of any strongly held convictions, but rather because I liked to annoy my mother. Back then she refused to pay attention to me. Now, I can’t get her to leave me alone. I can’t believe you didn’t recognize me that day on the steps, but you remembered I was a vegetarian in high school.”

  He blinked at me slowly and then shrugged. “It’s weird, the things that stick with you. I probably would’ve remembered you right away if things had been different that day. I was focused on the end of my marriage, not reconnecting with an old friend.”

  I lifted an eyebrow at him. “I always wondered if you considered us friends back then.”

  He lifted an eyebrow back. “We were something close to it. I wouldn’t have tried to include you in things if we weren’t. I liked spending time with you in high school.” Changing the subject, he mumbled, “My mom used to make chicken and dumplings whenever my dad was being particularly ugly. She said it was comfort food and we would feel better once our bellies were full.” A bitter laugh broke free from his broad chest. “Needless to say, we ate it a lot.”

  I gulped a little and looked over at the stove. “I’m sorry.” The last thing I wanted when I made lunch was to bring up bad memories for him in his own home.

  He shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. It’s one of my favorite things to eat. Reminds me of my mom, which doesn’t happen very often. You should get off that ankle though. It still looks pretty swollen.”

  When I agreed I would go lie down on the couch, he mentioned he didn’t have time to eat right now because he still had work on my case to do and wanted to make time to go see Hayes. But he promised he would be sure to have some for dinner. Then he exited as silently as he’d come in. I couldn’t breathe right until I was once again alone in his kitchen.

  Once I heard the garage close, I groaned long and loud. I slumped forward and let my forehead thunk onto the countertop. The situation was already so convoluted and tricky between me and Case. The last thing either of us needed was this new level of awkward. I was going to do my best to ignore the fact that he kissed better than I ever imagined. I was also going to force myself to forget that I now knew he could be gentle and considerate when he wanted to be.

  Knocking my head against the hard surface one more time still didn’t result in my common sense making an appearance, so I set about cleaning up the kitchen and portioning out the chicken dumplings I’d made so I could freeze the leftovers. I figured I would stash the extra in the freezer so Case and Hayes could reheat it on a night when they were both busy.

  I hobbled my way to the laundry room a couple of hours later to wash my borrowed bedding. If I hadn’t had my earbuds back in, I probably would’ve heard a set of keys rattle in the front door. Case always came in and out of the door in the mudroom that led to the garage. He swore no one else would be coming and going from his house while I was there, so it never occurred to me to be on the lookout for unexpected visitors.

  When I came out of the laundry room, I don’t know who was more startled, me or Case’s carbon copy. Father and son couldn’t look any more alike if they tried, though Hayes Lawton was missing the sharp edges and hard lines his father had. He’d grown into a beautiful young man, one who was looking at my hands where they were stretched outward, warding him off as I screamed bloody murder. Hayes’s eyes went huge and he became slack-jawed as he covered his ears while I shrieked.

  He backed up a step, tripping over rushed words. “Uh. Sorry. I tried to call and let someone know I needed to come by and grab something for a class tomorrow. No one answered the house phone, and my dad isn’t replying to my texts. Sometimes he has to patrol out of service, and he’s hard to get ahold of.” Slowly Hayes lifted his hands and took a step back. “I figured you were asleep or something and I could sneak in and out without anyone noticing.” It was such a teenaged mind-set. Completely ignoring any possible danger he might be in.

  I went slightly limp, and held out a hand and asked him to help me walk back toward the kitchen. “No one is supposed to know where I am, so I can’t answer the phone. You shouldn’t be here, Hayes. It’s dangerous. Your dad is going to hav
e a fit when he hears you stopped by. He was planning on coming to see you today, just so you know.”

  He spoke as he held my arm and matched my achingly slow pace down the hallway. “I figured it would look weird if no one saw me come and go for a few days, and I wanted to stop in and check on Mrs. Clooney. Even when I crash at Uncle Crew’s place, I still stop by and see Dad. I don’t like leaving him on his own. But I didn’t mean to scare you. That’s a dick move, considering everything you’ve been going through lately. I’m so sorry.”

  The worry in his familiar blue eyes was enough to have my heart turning over in my chest. I dropped against the edge of the same counter where his father had kissed the life out of me and cocked my head to study the young man who towered over me. I hadn’t seen him up close in years, only in passing when he was in town. His resemblance to Case was startling, but so was the clear understanding in his gaze. He’d always been a bright, self-aware child. It looked as if he’d grown into a remarkable young man.

  “No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I always seem to be disrupting your life, and that has to feel completely unfair. I’m sure all of the Lawtons would be happy if they never had to deal with me ever again.” I was allowed to feel a little sorry for myself after all, and I would regret putting this child in the middle of his parents’ battles until the day I died. Things had never been fair for Hayes.

  Hayes copied my head tilt and lowered his tall frame on to one of the stools at the breakfast bar. He tapped his long fingers on the counter and watched me carefully.

  “It wasn’t your fault back then, and it isn’t your fault now.” His tone was serious, and his eyes were kind, but his words gutted me.

  “There were times when I was younger that I really hated you.”

  I lifted a hand and rubbed absently at my chest and forced myself not to look away as he poured his young heart out to me. He must have gotten his raw transparency from his father. There never had been any guessing when it came to how Case felt about me, good or bad.

  “My mother didn’t want me. Not when I was a baby. Not when my dad got home from deployment. Not when they started to have problems, and not when they got divorced. One of the reasons they fought all the time was because my dad wanted her to care about me more than she did. She wasn’t a good mom, but she was always really, really good at playing the victim. When she got full custody, I thought my life was over, and I blamed you. But I realized when I got older, she was the one I should be mad at. She’s the one I should hold accountable. You were just doing your job, and I know how hard you pushed her to agree to let my dad have more time with me. She always gets her way. If you hadn’t been there to advocate for me behind the scenes, I don’t know that I would’ve ever been able to see my dad.”

  I blew out a long low breath and tried to get my thundering pulse under control. The fingers of my injured hand twitched as I imagined strangling Becca Lawton for the thousandth time. “You’re a great kid, Hayes. I can’t imagine anyone not wanting you.”

  When I’d first encountered Hayes Lawton, he was a quiet, serious little boy. The fact he looked so much like his father never failed to get me right in the heart. No one knew, but at the time, David and I were on our second round of in vitro, and I kept thinking how wonderful it would be to bring a kid like Hayes into the world. I wanted that more than anything, and it infuriated me no end that Becca Lawton treated her son like an afterthought. I hated that, in order to protect Case, who was an incredible father and loved his kid more than anything, I had to help keep them apart. The whole situation made my skin crawl, and when the second in vitro failed, my desire to abide by Becca Lawton’s demands also withered away. I started to wonder if I was meant to be a parent if I could repeatedly send Hayes home to a woman who didn’t care for him in the way he deserved. Honestly, the whole situation was one of the reasons I was reluctant to keep trying in vitro when David pressed. My emotions were all over the place. There were still days I wondered why motherhood was the only thing in my life that always seemed just out of reach.

  Now that I was taking my life back into my own hands, I was going to have to take a serious look at myself and determine if pursuing being a mother through other ways was still in the cards for me. I wasn’t sure it was a dream I was totally willing to walk away from.

  Pulling me from my thoughts, Hayes chuckled and smacked his hand flat on the countertop. “My mom isn’t capable of putting anyone else’s needs before her own. It took me a long time to accept that. I think my dad feels guilty he didn’t see the selfishness in her before it was too late. He’s given me everything, but the one thing he can’t give me is a mother who is worth a damn. So, I can see clearly you weren’t behind my mom’s bad intentions, it was all about Dad.” Hayes shook his head. “He’s too blinded by all the things he could have done differently to see clearly.” A raven-colored eyebrow winged up, and a charming grin tugged at his mouth. “He had his shot to ask you for help, and he blew it.”

  I blinked in surprise. “He told you about that?” Our run-in on the stairs of the sheriff’s office felt like it had happened in another lifetime, and a lot of things had gone so wrong between now and then.

  “Yeah, he told me. He used it as a lesson to never judge a book by its cover. It doesn’t matter if someone seems like they don’t belong or if they don’t exactly fit in. What matters is how qualified they are and if their intent is good. Sometimes he has a hard time not being the guy my grandpa tried to turn him into. If he had to do everything all over again, I think he would make a bunch of different choices.” Hayes nodded, as if he knew for certain his father had regrets haunting from his past.

  Unable to stop myself, I balanced the best I could on my good leg and reached across the space separating us. I covered the hand he had resting on the counter with mine and gave a squeeze. “He may have regrets.” Didn’t we all? “However, you are absolutely not one of them, regardless of how or when you came into his life, you’ve always been what he is most proud of.”

  Hayes lowered his chin in a brief gesture of agreement. “He’s a great dad, and he’s an amazing cop. But I want more than that for him, especially since I’m leaving for college soon. I worry about what he’s going to have to focus on once I’m gone. I worry about him being lonely.”

  I swallowed past the lump in my throat and released my hold on his hand. “He’ll figure it out. He always does. Your dad is one of the most resilient men I’ve ever met. He wouldn’t want you to worry.” I lifted my eyebrows in his direction. “He also wouldn’t want you willingly putting yourself in a dangerous, unpredictable situation. You should grab what you need and hit the road. If something happens to you while you’re with me…” I trailed off with a slight shake of my head. We both knew Case would cast blame on me if any harm befell his son in my presence.

  Hayes snorted and rose to his feet. I had to look way, way up to keep meeting his gaze. “He needs to let go of all that resentment he carries around. It’s heavy, and it weighs him down. Have him give me a call when he gets back. I’ll tell him you kicked me out and let him know you were good and pissed I walked into a dicey situation. You’re still trying to protect me when you get nothing out of it.”

  I offered a lopsided grin. He wasn’t the only one I tried to protect all these years. At this point, all three of us were tangled together in a web of secrets and silence. “I doubt it will help, but I appreciate the effort.”

  I jolted when Hayes suddenly shot a hand out and clasped my good wrist. His gaze was heart-wrenchingly sincere, and his voice was low and steady as he solemnly told me, “I know you tried to protect me when I was little. I didn’t want to live with my mom, but now that I know the kind of things she is capable of…” He frowned and narrowed his eyes. “I can’t imagine what she would’ve done to my dad if you hadn’t been there. He would have lost more than a few years with me.”

  I gulped and quickly looked away. He was right on the money. I wished his father could see through the subterfuge as clearly as
Hayes did.

  “I would make different choices along the way if I could as well. I think we all carry the burden of ‘what-if’ to some extent.” I couldn’t say I wanted to go back and never have met David or joined the Barlow law firm, but I could say I wished I’d stayed true to my original reasons for wanting to return to Loveless. “Your only job is to go out there and make your own memories and mistakes. Just remember to learn from every single experience you have.” It was the same advice Case had given me only a few days ago. I was working on taking it to heart.

  He chuckled and excused himself so he could grab whatever it was from his room he forgot. He sounded like a herd of hippos stampeding through the house and I was reminded that he was still a kid even though he spoke and carried himself like someone much older. I sent him on his way with one of the containers of chicken and dumplings, and he promised not to endanger himself by showing up at the house unannounced again.

  By the time I was done dealing with the swinging pendulum of emotions caused by both the Lawton boys, I was exhausted and barely able to stay on my feet. I needed a nap in the worst way, and I absolutely, positively, wasn’t going to dream about having Case’s mouth on mine.