Paper Boats

by Dee Lestari

  More silence on the other end.

  Wanda sighed. “All right, it seems I’m making you uncomfortable. We’ll just talk about something else.”

  Before long, their conversation was flowing as smoothly as before. And although the call ended on a sweet note, Wanda felt irritated. Keenan’s attitude was beginning to bother her, especially when their conversation touched on the matter of feelings. It was as if Keenan considered the words “love” and “sweetie” taboo. From the moment they began spending time together to when they officially became a couple, Keenan had never openly expressed his feelings to her—not even once.

  Wanda’s cell phone rang again. “What’s up, Virna? Oh, sorry, I’m just in a bad mood. What? Come on, now you’re just making my mood even worse.”

  “I’m so sorry,” said Virna. “But I really don’t have any place to put your painting. Pasha has the same problem, actually. He just feels bad about telling you. Neither of us can store them for you, hon.”

  Wanda sighed. “You really can’t keep it? Just put it in your bedroom. Or just hang it in the bathroom.”

  “What do you think it is, a poster? It’s too big. Plus, my mother controls what goes on our walls. She’s not hot on modern art. You know her taste: oil paintings of horses and carp, portraits of my grandparents.” Virna sounded defensive. “There’s really no space at your place? Your house is humungous.”

  “It’s not that. The problem is—” Wanda stopped. It was best to keep this matter to herself. “Fine. It’s okay. I’ll send someone over to pick it up—the one at Pasha’s place, too.”

  After she hung up, Wanda roamed her house looking for a safe hiding place. Her search ended in her own room, underneath the bed.

  The trio gathered in the shelter where Ami usually taught. Ami looked as if she was about to cry. She had been waiting all day to tell them the news.

  “Kugy, Ical, I have an announcement to make.” She took a deep breath. “The Sakola Alit has been permitted to participate in the elementary school competition for the district.”

  Kugy and Ical jumped for joy. Ical even ran around the shelter, screaming. Not one to lose out, Kugy followed behind him.

  “I know we’ve been permitted to join because they want to be nice, or they feel sorry for us, or because they don’t think we stand a chance of winning.” Ami chuckled. “But that doesn’t bother me. It’s not about winning or losing. If our kids get to participate and meet contestants from other schools, it’ll inspire them and help them take school seriously. They’ve never done anything like this. We’ll be entering the contests for poetry reading, Sundanese poetry singing, and writing. Today I’ll finalize which students will be representing us.”

  “We’re ready to rumble!” Kugy yelled. “When’s the competition? And where is it?”

  “Next Saturday. In Lalu Lintas Park.”

  Kugy clapped her hands. “Fantastic! They can play in the park at the same time. They’ll be so happy.” A few seconds later, her expression changed. She had just remembered something. “Wait, did you say next Saturday?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “I-I promised to go out of town with someone.”

  Ami bit her lip. “Oh dear. It’ll be hard for the two of us to manage without you. It’s not just about chaperoning. If the kids know you’re not going, they won’t be excited. You’re their role model.”

  Kugy thought hard. “Give me until Monday. I’ll try my best to come.”

  “Please try, okay? We have to start preparing the kids.” Ami sounded hopeful.

  Kugy glanced at her watch. Josh was already on his way to Bandung. If she told him to cancel their trip to Bali, who knew what would happen tonight.

  Keenan surveyed his work. The subjects of the painting were eleven small children. Ten of them were marching in a crooked line and one child was in front leading them, a rice paddy hat on his head. On the back of the canvas, Keenan had written its title: General Pilik and the Alit Brigade.

  Keenan examined his handiwork. It’s not just a matter of technique, he thought. There was something about the painting’s content that made it stand out from all his other ones. It gave him goosebumps. It set something ablaze in his soul.

  He stepped back, surveying it again. Life, he finally concluded in his heart. The painting possessed such energy. It radiated life with such strength and poignancy.

  Then his gaze fell upon something on his desk—the battered-looking notebook Kugy had given him a month ago. Keenan remembered what he had said—that the notebook was a treasure that Kugy should keep. He would never have guessed that he was the one who would discover the treasure hidden within. Kugy had bequeathed him something of great value—greater than anything either of them could have anticipated.

  CHAPTER 17

  JUST THREE WORDS

  Even the comedy they had just watched couldn’t lift Kugy’s spirits. That entire night—from the moment they set out, all through dinner, to the rolling of the film credits—Kugy had remained in a state of apprehension, constantly on the lookout for the right moment to tell Josh about her dilemma.

  Suddenly she heard someone calling her name. “Kugy!”

  Kugy turned. It was Eko’s ticket agent, Mr. Itok. He waved and laughed. Kugy waved back.

  “Where have you been? You don’t come to the midnight showings with the rest of the crew anymore? It’s mostly just Eko and Noni these days.”

  “We’ve taken up a new hobby,” said Kugy uncomfortably, just for the sake of saying something. “Now we play dominoes together.”

  “You should invite me!” Mr. Itok guffawed. “I thought it was because you and Keenan broke it off. Is this your new boyfriend?”

  Josh and Kugy stiffened. “Oh no. He’s an old edition. See you later!” Hastily ending the conversation, Kugy took Josh’s hand and left.

  The whole way back, Josh looked sullen. He didn’t utter a word until he pulled the car up in front of Kugy’s boarding house. “Is there something you haven’t told me that I should know?” he asked.

  “About what?” Kugy asked cautiously.

  “That Mr. Itok may be the world’s biggest gossip, but I’m sure he had a reason for saying what he did. There’s really nothing going on between you and Keenan?”

  Kugy was quiet for a moment. “No, nothing,” she stated simply.

  “I may be the world’s most jealous boyfriend, but my radar is never wrong. Enough already. You like him, don’t you? And he likes you?”

  Kugy felt as if her heart were shriveling. Whenever Josh spoke to her in this tone, it meant he was really mad. “Josh, Keenan already has a girlfriend, and I already have you. We’re just friends. No more, no less.”

  “Liking someone is still liking someone,” Josh stated. “It doesn’t have anything to do with having boyfriends or girlfriends.”

  “I can’t go with you to Bali,” Kugy blurted. Even she was surprised at the words that tumbled out of her mouth.

  “What?” Josh exclaimed.

  “The Sakola Alit is participating in a district-wide competition next Saturday for poetry and writing. It won’t happen if I’m not there. I know you already bought the tickets and organized everything, but I really can’t go. We can take a vacation some other time—”

  “I’m not sure if there will be some other time,” he said, raising his voice.

  Kugy fell silent. There were so many thoughts swirling around in her head, but her tongue felt too dry to speak.

  Josh took a deep breath. “I’m tired of always coming last in your life. Ever since you moved to Bandung, I’ve felt more and more neglected. It’s like you’re in your own world. Like I’m the only one making an effort.”

  Kugy’s eyes began to feel hot, and her chest tightened.

  “I’ve been trying to keep up with you ever since we started dating. I’ve tried to be a part of your world, but you don’t just run away, you fly. And you forget—I live on Earth, Kugy. My feet are still on the ground. How can we go on together if we don’
t even share the same reality?”

  One by one, tears began to run down Kugy’s cheeks. She still couldn’t speak.

  “Do you like Keenan? Are you in love with him?”

  The tears began to fall faster. She shook her head slowly. “How I feel about Keenan doesn’t matter. I love you so much . . .”

  “This isn’t just about Keenan. It’s about where I stand as a priority in your life. Now let’s just make everything simple. Leave next Friday with me or stay in Bandung. What do you choose?” Josh spoke matter-of-factly. Even so, she heard the note of hurt in his tone, the tremor in his voice.

  “But I really can’t go. That Saturday I have to . . . Can’t we go another day—”

  “See how simple that was?” Josh’s tone was bitter.

  Kugy said nothing, only sobbed.

  “Go with me on Friday or everything ends right here,” Josh declared.

  “Why do you have to give ultimatums like this?” she shouted helplessly. “Why can’t we just postpone it? You’re not giving me a choice, Josh. You’re cornering me!”

  Josh gazed deep into his girlfriend’s eyes, then said slowly, “If you really loved me, we wouldn’t need to have this conversation. You would know your answer already.”

  They were silent again, but the air was filled with so much emotion, so many feelings.

  Josh leaned over and opened Kugy’s door. He said in a low voice, “I’ll be waiting for you at the airport on Friday afternoon. Our flight takes off at three. If you’re not there, it means everything is over.”

  Before getting out of the car, Kugy gave Josh one last look through her tears. All the memories they had shared over the past three years flashed before her. Kugy ran inside and burst into her room. Unable to stand the tightness in her chest any longer, she cried her heart out. She had made her decision. And she mourned the loss to come.

  The two couples decided to spend their Saturday night at Keenan’s boarding house. Two boxes of martabak pancake—one savory and eggy, one sweet and buttery, both nearly demolished—sat in the center of the group. Noni and Wanda were deep in discussion. Noni was celebrating her twentieth birthday at Wanda’s house in Jakarta in September. The house, situated in Kebayoran Baru, had a large lawn, and was perfect for the garden party theme Noni had in mind. Because it was going to be a fairly big event, Noni was preparing far in advance, assisted by Wanda, who had a reputation as an experienced party planner.

  Wanda busily jotted down notes, then handed them to Noni.

  “Damn, you’re such a pro!” Noni read Wanda’s notes in amazement.

  “Planning events like this is just par for the course for me. I coordinate almost all the events for Warsita. No need to hire an event planner.” Wanda beamed. “If there’s anything else you want to add, just let me know and I’ll arrange everything.”

  Eko was sitting with his legs stretched out in front of him, strumming his guitar. “Who knew?” he chimed in. “Wanda’s a regular foreman! Talk about taking charge. She’s even starting to look the part.”

  “Excuse me?” Wanda’s eyes almost popped out of her head. “And what do you mean by that?”

  Eko’s guitar playing slowed. He realized he had just struck Wanda’s most sensitive chord—her appearance. But before he could check his mischievous tongue, he continued, “Well, I’ve noticed you’ve gotten more relaxed about your appearance. You used to be the Queen of Coordination.” Eko snickered. “Now you never wear nail polish, and all your clothes are too big. They used to be too small.” He chuckled. “Where’d you get that huge shirt?”

  “It’s Keenan’s.”

  “And the jacket you were wearing just now?”

  “Keenan’s.”

  Noni couldn’t help giggling. “Eko’s right. To be honest, I’ve wanted to say something for a while. You’re dressing more and more like Kugy. And no wonder. You’ve adopted the same strategy—you’re borrowing other people’s clothes.”

  Wanda’s expression underwent a dramatic change—especially when Eko burst into laughter at what Noni had said.

  “Actually,” said Keenan, quickly trying to neutralize the situation, “I told Wanda that she should wear more practical clothing when she’s in Bandung. It gets cold here.”

  “Ha! There’s a big difference between dressing practically and dressing à la Kugy. If you ask me, it looks like a case of the latter.” Eko resumed laughing.

  Wanda’s face reddened. Though she tried to join in the laughter, her mood was already ruined beyond repair. Then Eko and Noni departed, leaving Keenan to deal with the sticky situation by himself.

  “Eko is so annoying!” ranted Wanda. “As if he understands anything about fashion! As if he’s the only who knows how to wear clothes! Noni, too—comparing me to Kugy! Do I really look that bad?”

  Keenan offered no comment and allowed Wanda to vent. He decided to open his sketchbook and absorb himself in doodling. This would enable him to be both a good listener and a good dumping ground for her feelings. But as Wanda continued, it became clear she didn’t want to stop.

  “I only wear your clothes every once in a while, and even then, only when I have to. Kugy on the other hand has made bad fashion her trademark!” She pouted angrily. “Do you remember when Kugy came to the gallery? Would I ever wear something like that? Ugh. As if.”

  “Why are you getting so worked up about this?” Keenan finally asked, raising his head. Wanda had been complaining for nearly an hour now.

  Wanda paused. “It’s just irritating, that’s all. How dare they compare me to Kugy. Kugy’s such a disaster—”

  “If you ask me, she looks just fine,” Keenan said firmly. “If you ask me, you look fine, too. If you want to be the Queen of Coordination, go ahead. If not, that’s okay, too. It doesn’t matter to me.”

  “But Kugy—”

  “What is it with you and Kugy?” Keenan asked, raising his voice.

  “What is it with you and Kugy?” Wanda shot back.

  Keenan’s brow furrowed.

  “I saw the title of your new painting. Alit is the name of the school where Kugy teaches, isn’t it? Is she your inspiration now? That girl must really be something else for you to make a whole painting for her.”

  Keenan took a deep breath. “Yes, it’s true. I based the painting on stories Kugy wrote for the kids at the school. So what?”

  “I may be spoiled, Keenan, but I’m not stupid. I’m not blind. I’ve seen the way you look at her. The clothes you tell me to wear, and now that painting. You have feelings for her, don’t you?”

  Keenan was quiet.

  “Don’t you?” Wanda pressed.

  “Wanda, this is pointless. You’re just jealous—”

  “You’re damn right I am!” she declared. “And I should be jealous. Do you really think I don’t know you’re trying to turn me into her? Well, it’s never going to happen! Because I’m not her, and I don’t ever want to be her!” Her chest was heaving with emotion.

  Keenan studied Wanda for a long time. “Wanda, you’re free to believe whatever you want,” he said evenly. “If that’s what you think, so be it. I can’t change what you think. I can’t make you trust me. Only you can change those things.”

  “Bullshit,” hissed Wanda.

  Keenan rose to his feet. “Do you want me to take you home?”

  He tried to touch her shoulder, but Wanda brushed it away. “There is something you can do to make me trust you.” Wanda gazed straight at him. “Look at me and say you love me.”

  Keenan was startled at Wanda’s demand, but it was too late—they had already locked eyes.

  “It’s so simple,” Wanda whispered. “I just want to hear you say those three words.” They were only a few inches apart. Her searching gaze penetrated to the innermost depths of his heart.

  She saw Keenan’s mouth open, the muscles of his face tensing as if he were about speak, but seconds passed and not one word came out—just the sound of his ragged breath.

  Wanda bit her trembling
lip as she tried not to cry. Then she grabbed her purse and ran for the door.

  As quick as lightning, Keenan caught her hand. “Wanda, don’t go. I’m begging you. I’m sorry.”

  Wanda was sobbing. “‘Sorry’?” she shrieked. “Damn it, Keenan! I don’t need you to say sorry. I just want you to love me. Why can’t you just love me?”

  All Keenan could do was pull Wanda toward him, hold her as she struggled, and submit to her flurry of weak punches—until at last she gave up and fell into his arms, weeping uncontrollably.

  It was the first time Keenan had ever felt so moved. His guilt was so overpowering he felt as if it were filling every nook and cranny in his body, penetrating even his bones, and he felt like he was about to burst. But even more heartrending was that, despite his overpowering guilt, Keenan still could not force his lips to speak. He tightened his embrace and stroked her hair—and in this way, he tried to stop her sobbing. He kept hoping to himself that this would be enough.

  CHAPTER 18

  DEPARTURE AND LOSS

  August 2000

  Kugy could hear footsteps in the corridor. They got closer and closer, until they finally came to a stop in front of her room. Someone rapped on her door.

  “Come in,” said Kugy, her eyes still fixed on her computer screen.

  Noni burst in with a panicked expression. “You broke up with Josh?”

  Kugy looked at Noni without saying a word, then gave a small nod.

  “Why? How? I just got off the phone with him. He’s so upset. Why didn’t you tell me? What happened? What’s wrong?” Noni fired off her questions in quick succession.

  Kugy had no idea how to respond. She just shrugged. “Maybe it was just time,” she said simply.

  “What kind of an answer is that? Why aren’t you being open with me? I love you both. You know that. I’m upset, too, you know.” Noni sounded disappointed. “You’re a phenomenal pair. Everyone is so jealous of you. You’re such a good match.”