Paper Boats

by Dee Lestari

  “How extraordinary. I never would’ve thought . . .” Remi shook his head. “When you were in Bali, you didn’t seem to have any problems. But I’ll be honest, I always felt there was something special about your life, even when you suddenly dropped off the radar. I was sure something big must have happened.”

  Again, Keenan gave him that same tight smile. “Enough of this,” he said with a wave of his hand. “Let’s talk about something else. How have you been doing?”

  Remi shrugged. “There’s not much to tell.”

  “About work maybe? Or how about your love life?” Keenan grinned.

  Remi’s face lit up. “As a matter of fact, I do have news on that front. Or to be more exact, plans. And I haven’t told anyone about them, including the person involved.”

  “Oh, this is exciting.” Keenan chuckled.

  “I’ve been thinking about proposing to my girlfriend.”

  Keenan raised his eyebrows. “Wow! Congratulations! I don’t know who she is, but she’s a very lucky woman. I’d like to meet her sometime.”

  “She came with me to Ubud when I was in Bali, but unfortunately, she didn’t visit the gallery because she was at a temple taking photos. You two would definitely get along. She’s fun, she’s smart, and in short”—Remi paused to take a breath—“she’s very special to me.”

  Keenan grinned. “I believe you. You must be so in love.”

  “I am. I’ve never felt like this before. Never.”

  “And I’ll never forget how you helped me, Remi. If you hadn’t been interested in my first General Pilik painting, I probably would have given up art long ago. So if you ever need me for anything—your big plans or anything else—just let me know. Who knows? I might be able to help.”

  “Keenan, you don’t owe me anything. It’s truly an honor to be the owner of your first work.” Remi clapped Keenan on the shoulder. Before long, the two men parted, unaware of how much they had in common.

  Luhde leaned her head against the wall, watching her uncle, who was sitting with his back to her. He had been doing a lot of painting these past few days, most likely because Keenan’s recent visit had re-energized him. And these past few days, Luhde had been unable to sleep. She felt anxious. As with her uncle, it was because of Keenan’s visit.

  “Poyan?”

  “What is it, Luhde?”

  “How does one know when to give up and when to hang on?”

  Wayan turned around to look at her. “I don’t know,” he answered.

  “Before, when you decided to give up and let Keenan’s mother choose someone else—when did you feel that was the right decision?”

  “To be honest, I’ve never known whether that was me giving up or hanging on—even now. Have I given up? Sometimes it seems like I’m still hanging on.” He sighed. “To get back to your question, I don’t know. But life does.”

  Luhde bit her lip. She had something she wanted to tell him, but was nervous about his reaction. Still, she felt she had to say it. “Poyan, don’t be mad at me for saying this, but I don’t want to be like you, or Keenan’s mother. Ten, twenty years from now, I don’t want to be thinking about the same person, hovering in confusion between acceptance and regret . . .”

  Wayan fell silent. He felt as if someone had crammed a fistful of bitter pills down his throat. They tasted terrible. And they hurt. But he felt the truth of Luhde’s words. “You’re right,” he said softly. “Don’t end up like me.”

  “But do I have a choice?” she cried.

  “Luhde,” Wayan said gently. “I believe everything happens for a reason. All we can do is keep going, as confusing or painful as it seems. And all you can do is rely on your feelings. You’ll know the answer. That’s how it is with him, too. These things can’t be forced—whether or not Keenan really belongs to you . . . or to someone else.”

  Luhde’s heart stopped. Poyan knows.

  “At the end of the day, you can’t force something to happen. Not with promises. Not with loyalty. Even if he decides to stay with you, it won’t be due to force. The heart can’t be forced.”

  Luhde bowed her head, trying to hide her tears. She understood what her uncle was saying. What she didn’t understand was why it had to hurt so much.

  Remi stepped onto the terrace—which is what he did most Saturday nights. But this night felt different. He stopped to look at the ceiling, the chairs, the table, the tiles, and everything else—because tonight would be a night to remember, and this terrace would be there to witness it. A shiver ran through his body. When Kugy emerged, laughing happily, Remi’s stomach began to churn.

  “Hi, darling,” said Kugy. She was holding a stack of photos. “Where are we going tonight?”

  “Don’t know yet,” said Remi after swallowing a few times. “I feel a bit too tired to go anywhere. But let’s see how it goes. You don’t mind if we stay here, do you?”

  “Not at all,” said Kugy. “I want to show you the photos I took in Bali. They’re pretty darn good,” she added, jokingly.

  Kugy spoke about each photo with great energy and Remi responded with comments. “Oh yeah. Nice. Hmm. This one’s nice, too . . .” But his mind wasn’t on Kugy’s photos at all. Is now the right time? Remi thought. Yes. It has to be now. Or next week? No, no. But who knows, maybe next week would be better. But not here. Somewhere else. Where? When? Tonight?

  “Aha!” exclaimed Kugy, holding up a batch of photos. “Now these next ones—these are my masterpieces!”

  Remi was startled out of his reverie. Kugy laid the photos in a row one after another.

  “Wow. Yeah, yeah. These are really . . . Wait!” Remi frowned. He studied the photos more closely. “I know this woman,” he murmured.

  “Luhde?” said Kugy, puzzled. “You know her?”

  “Yes! Luhde! Mr. Wayan is her uncle. He owns the gallery I visited when we were in Ubud.” Remi laughed. “So, I know her uncle and you know his niece. How funny.”

  “How do you know them?” Kugy still couldn’t believe it.

  “I’ve known the family for a long time. I even spent New Year’s Eve with Luhde and her family once. In”—Remi tried to remember—“2000. She was still a teenager back then. She’s dating my favorite artist—the one whose painting I hung up in the office foyer.”

  Suddenly, Kugy felt shaken to the core. The painting. “Remi, please tell me—what’s the painter’s name?” Her voice sounded strained. “As I recall, he only signed his initials, K. K.”

  “His name is Keenan. He paints children. He’s incredibly talented. I’m a huge fan.” Remi spoke smoothly, lightly. “He disappeared from my radar. I don’t know where he went—I used to see him often. Then I ran into him last week, completely unplanned. It turns out he’s moved to Jakarta. I stopped by his office for a while. He said he just started painting again and he’s having an exhibition.”

  Kugy’s gaze became unfocused. Keenan. Luhde. Keenan and Luhde. All this time . . . Her heart trembled.

  Remi saw how tense Kugy looked and was confused.

  “Actually, I have something I want to say to you tonight.”

  Kugy’s face still looked rigid. She stared at him.

  “Kugy?” asked Remi gently. “Are you all right?”

  Kugy looked at Remi anxiously. She wanted to say, “It’s nothing,” as casually as she could. She wanted this night to go back to normal. But it couldn’t. Kugy remembered this feeling. It was the same one she’d had when she found out about Wanda. The difference was, she really liked Luhde. She really did. And though she had been sure all this time that her heart had changed, once again, she was being brought to the bitter realization that it hadn’t. Keenan was still the prince of her heart, enthroned in a castle of dreams.

  But Luhde’s involvement sent everything tumbling down. Her castle had been razed to the ground. She had no choice. They must love each other so much. They’ll be so happy together. Luhde is like an angel.

  “Darling, what’s wrong?” Remi’s voice brought her to her sense
s.

  With a heavy heart, Kugy said, “Sorry, Remi. I want to be alone tonight. I’m not mad at you or anything. But I really need some time to myself. I’m really sorry.”

  Remi gazed at her. “Okay, if that’s really what you need,” he answered gently. They said good night.

  Back on the terrace, he tried to reassure himself. The right time will come. It might be next week, or the week after. But the right time will come.

  CHAPTER 43

  A RING IN A SILVER BOX

  June 2003

  Keenan had arrived early and was standing in Kugy’s living room. As usual, Keshia made sure she was the one who opened the door. That evening, he was wearing a short-sleeved white linen collared shirt and blue jeans. This was enough to make Keshia turn bright red, run to her room, and swoon.

  Keenan looked relaxed but also excited. Today he had promised to bring Kugy to meet Mr. Ginanjar, who was impatient to meet her. If everything went according to plan, they would be able to sign a publication contract for the General Pilik and the Alit Brigade series sometime this week.

  Before long, Kugy came out, her face paler than usual.

  “Hey,” she said. “Why are you here so early? Aren’t we meeting Mr. Ginanjar at seven?”

  “I wanted to take you out for ice cream first,” he said brightly.

  Kugy gave him a faint smile, then nodded.

  “Is everything all right?”

  Again, Kugy gave him a weak smile and a nod. Bring the situation under control, she reminded herself.

  On the way, Kugy didn’t say much. Keenan made several attempts to start a conversation, but her answers were perfunctory. By the time they pulled into the parking lot of their favorite ice cream parlor in Kemang, her heart felt even more weighed down than it had before. And when they got out of the car, she felt like her feet were getting heavier as well.

  The two of them entered the restaurant and sat by the window. It was drizzling outside. Kugy stared at the rain. Keenan watched her. Her eyes looked as if they were trying to avoid something. The strangeness of it all, from when they had left the house until now, began to fully dawn on him. “Kugy, are you sure you’re all right?”

  “Positive.” Kugy tried to look happy. Luckily, she was saved by the waiter handing them the menu.

  “The usual?” asked Keenan. She nodded, and he ordered a platter of waffles, four scoops of ice cream, and chocolate sauce. Ten minutes later, their order arrived along with two small spoons and two glasses of water.

  Kugy picked up her spoon but the hunger in her stomach had vanished.

  They sat in silence. “Kugy, what’s wrong?” Keenan finally asked.

  “You’re what’s wrong,” said Kugy, trying to sound lighthearted. “You’ve been asking me that nonstop.”

  Keenan looked into Kugy’s eyes. “Little One. You’ve always been a terrible liar.”

  Slowly she put down her spoon. She kept her eyes downcast, trying to translate the storm raging in her heart into words. “Would you mind if I took a break from writing for a while?” Kugy said finally.

  “You mean the General Pilik series?” asked Keenan. “Not at all. This is your project, too. You should do whatever you feel comfortable with. I’ll talk with Mr. Ginanjar. How much time do you think you’ll need? A week?”

  Kugy looked at Keenan nervously. “A month?”

  Keenan immediately frowned. “A month? Are you sure?”

  Kugy shook her head. “Maybe more,” she answered softly. “I’m not sure.”

  Keenan put down his spoon, too. “Kugy Karmachameleon, tell me the truth. What’s wrong?”

  Kugy felt her throat seize up, as if there were an entire durian stuck in her windpipe. “I . . .” Kugy continued with great difficulty. “I . . . don’t think we should see each other for a while. There are some things I need to take care of . . .” She held her breath. “With myself. When it’s time, we can meet again.”

  “May I ask what you have to take care of?” Keenan asked gently.

  Kugy shook her head. “Not right now. Right now I just want to go home.”

  Keenan remembered their appointment with Mr. Ginanjar in two hours, then let out a heavy sigh. “Okay. I’ll take you home.”

  Kugy shook her head. “It’s okay. I want to go by myself. I’ll take a taxi. Sorry for all the trouble. I didn’t mean to confuse you. But—”

  “Kugy, I’m taking you home. We’ll leave now.”

  Kugy shook her head more vigorously and stood up. “No. I want to go home by myself. It’s okay if you’re mad at me. But I really have to go. I’m sorry.” Then she practically ran through the doors of the restaurant, hurried to the side of the road, and hailed down a cab. Keenan didn’t even have a chance to chase after her.

  Once she was in the cab, the tightness in her chest lessened. Kugy was able to breathe again. She pulled her cell phone from her bag and turned it off. She wanted to be alone. She wanted silence.

  I don’t have the strength after all, Kugy sobbed inwardly. I don’t have the strength.

  The sky was growing dark when the taxi entered Kugy’s housing development. “Miss. . . Miss. . .” The taxi driver tried to wake her up. “We’re here. Which house is yours?”

  Kugy woke with a start. “Oh! Sorry! First street on the right, second house on the left.”

  “The one with the black sedan in front, miss?” he asked.

  A black sedan? Kugy felt her entire body go weak. Remi?

  “Yes. Stop here.” Reluctantly, Kugy got out of the cab. She felt like jumping back in and taking off—somewhere, anywhere. She didn’t want to see anybody right now. But it was too late. Remi, who had been waiting on the terrace, had seen her arrive.

  “Darling, why is your cell phone off?” he asked as she approached him. “I ended up following my instincts and came straight here. Good thing you came home so quickly.” Remi hugged her and felt how tense she was. “Are you okay?”

  Kugy felt like she was going to explode if she heard that question again. “I’m fine,” she said curtly.

  “Do you want to change into more comfortable clothes first?” he asked.

  “No, it’s okay.” Kugy smiled and sat down in a chair. “What is it, Remi?”

  Remi was surprised by this response. He studied Kugy’s expression, trying to see if he could detect any change. But he couldn’t find anything. Remi took a moment to steady his breath. Do it now. If you want to surprise her, do it now.

  “I have something to ask you,” Remi said carefully. “I don’t know if tonight is the best time or not, but regardless, I have to talk to you eventually. Sooner or later, today or next week, next month, next year—it doesn’t matter. So please, listen to what I have to say . . .” Remi knelt in front of her.

  Kugy’s throat closed up. The same panic she’d felt at the ice cream parlor was back. Unconsciously, she retreated into her seat, pressing into the back of her chair.

  Remi took out a silver box from his pocket. “Kugy Alisa Nugroho, I don’t know if this ring will fit your finger perfectly or not. I didn’t have the chance to measure it, so I made an estimate. But what I do know is this: the love we have for each other is a perfect fit for me. I offer you this in the hope you’ll wear it. But what I’m really offering is my heart. My life. If you’re willing to share those with me, then please—accept this ring.”

  Remi was holding the box close to her hand. But Kugy offered no response. Remi looked up and found Kugy looking bewildered. She’s really surprised, he thought. Carefully, Remi took Kugy’s left hand. He slid the rose-cut diamond ring onto her finger.

  “It fits,” Remi whispered, trying to control his emotions. Gently, he kissed her hand.

  Kugy’s chest tightened. It became hard to breathe. Every word Remi uttered was like a concrete block hitting her in the chest. Together they formed a barrage of concrete blocks. And the glittering ring on her finger was like a sledgehammer, delivering the final blow. Kugy shut her eyes. Everything that she was experiencing and
hearing today was too much for her. She wasn’t ready. She didn’t have the strength. She pressed her lips shut. She continued to retreat from him, pressing even farther into the seat.

  Remi sensed something was wrong and he began to panic. “I’m sorry,” he stammered. “I didn’t mean to shock you. Look, you don’t have to give me an answer now. I understand. You probably need some time. Whatever you need, please let me know. Okay?”

  Kugy still didn’t respond. She was staring at him with a dazed expression, her body rigid.

  “Do you need to be alone?” asked Remi as gently as he could. “I can leave for a bit. When you’re ready, let me know and I’ll come back.”

  Kugy nodded slowly. Still she said nothing.

  “All right. I’m going. Please call me, okay?” Remi stood up, kissed Kugy’s forehead, and left.

  Then Remi was gone. Kugy ran into the house and locked herself in her room. She didn’t come out again.

  It was eleven o’clock at night when the doorbell rang. Karel hurried out of his room. He’d been living in his new house for only three months, so not many people knew his address yet. Anyone who was visiting this late was someone to be wary of.

  Karel took a quick peek through the blinds. He didn’t see a car. He craned his neck to the side to get a better look. His eyes narrowed, trying to see if he recognized the figure standing at the door, carrying a bag.

  “Kugy?” Karel was astonished. Quickly, he opened the door. “What is it? You didn’t come here alone, did you?”

  Kugy turned a weary face to her older brother and gave him a pitiful look. “Karel, can I crash with you for a while?”

  It had been three days since the incident at the ice cream parlor. Keenan still couldn’t reach Kugy. He didn’t know how to find out what was going on. Noni was his last hope.

  “When are you coming to Jakarta?” Keenan asked when she picked up the phone.

  Noni was suspicious. “The day after tomorrow. What is it? Why do you sound so tense?”

  “We have to meet. There’s something I want to ask you.”