by Cee, DW
I felt as empty as the bathroom counters.
Melody was gone.
Chapter 18 - Marni
Like I’m Gonna Lose You ~Meghan Trainor, John Legend
“Mama!” My ecstatic girl ran straight into my arms.
“Hello Ali-Girl. Were you a good girl for Grandma?”
“Hi Mama.” She laid her head on my shoulder and wouldn’t let go of me. It felt wonderful to be loved.
“I missed you, Precious. I’m so glad to be back. I promise never to leave you again.”
“Cweam?” This savvy girl understood this was the perfect time to ask.
“Have you had lunch?”
“She sure did,” Mom answered. “She did a great job on her lunch, and we made strawberry ice cream about an hour ago. Why don’t you both sit and I’ll get you a bowl.”
“Cweam!” Ali announced proudly.
“I love you, Ali-Girl. It’s good to be home.”
While Ali dug into her ice cream with her spoon and fingers, Mom asked, “What happened?”
A helpless laugh escaped me. “Ben and I kissed. He ran away in fright. I spent a few days in San Diego and sorted myself out.”
Mom stopped eating her ice cream and stared. “Did you go there to see Noah?”
“What? Where does Noah fit in this story?”
“Why San Diego?”
“Because that’s where I’d find solace when life got tough with Dad, Jean, and Melody. When I’d come visit you on the weekends, I’d sit on the beach while you were at work. You know how much I love listening to the waves. Sitting there staring into the vast ocean soothed my heart. I thought it would have the same effect.”
“Did it? Is your heart soothed?”
“Funny thing, Mom. I realized life was all in how I perceived it. Before Noah and I were to be married, Ben came to me with fanciful talks of us possibly getting together again. Back then, I believed him, or at least I wanted to believe him because I wanted to be Ali’s mother.”
“His parents and I knew he had feelings for you.”
“He doesn’t. I think he only said those things because he didn’t want to lose me as Ali’s caretaker. As soon as he accepted me as our daughter’s mother, he never mentioned a relationship again.”
“You’d be a fool not to see it on his face.” Mom had become an optimist.
“No matter, Mom. During my time on the beach, I told myself you and Ali were all I needed. If I have no expectations of a relationship, I can’t be disappointed. That kiss proved Ben and I can’t work ever again. I don’t know why I was tempted to try. After Noah, I swore I was done with men.”
“Don’t think that way, Marni. You’re so young. If not Ben, there will be other men to come along.”
“Thanks for the encouragement, Mom. For now, I’ll worry about taking care of this little one.” Picking up my dirty daughter was the best way to leave this conversation.
“Marni. You’re back.” Ben walked in the door and gave me an unexpected hug. He actually acknowledged me before asking about his daughter.
“Hey. Yeah, I got back around lunch time. I took Alice to the beach and we played hard. She’s actually down for the night. Sorry. You can walk into her room and watch her snore if you like. Since you’re home, I’ll get going.” That huge, nervous mouthful came out rapidly.
“Stay, please? I want to go give our daughter a kiss on those chubby cheeks and I’ll be right back.” I didn’t want to stay, but I had no reason to refuse. “Have you had dinner?” I shook my head no. “Good. I brought some food home. Get your swim in and I’ll heat it up. Meet me on the balcony when you’re done.”
Like a masochistic fool, I stayed.
I didn’t understand how and when these indefinable feelings first surfaced. I wasn’t in love with Ben, but judging from the kiss, I also wasn’t indifferent toward him. I confused myself. What happened to being content with my child and mother? All these jittery feelings told me that somehow Ben had crawled under my skin. I didn’t ask for it. I preferred not to have any feelings for him, but unfortunately, they were there. What sane woman wanted to compete with a dead one?
The only way to clear my head was to punish myself in the water. I’d swim laps until my lungs burned and my body waved a white flag.
“I’ve had to reheat dinner three times, Marni. Not cool to make a hungry man wait for his meal, especially when Chinese food smells so good.”
“No wings?”
“No wings, but yes beer. Dig in.” He handed me a plate and chopsticks.
We ate in comfortable silence, but something didn’t feel right. We sat on the balcony listening to the waves but my eyes kept looking back in the bedroom.
“What do you keep looking at, Mar?”
“Something’s different and I can’t pinpoint it. What’s changed in your room?”
“I’m surprised you noticed anything had changed. Walk in the bathroom,” he suggested. “That’s the only way you’ll understand.”
I only had to take one step into the bathroom to see all that had changed. Ben had cleared out Melody’s belongings. What did this mean and why did he do it? This didn’t make sense to me.
“Your food’s getting cold,” I heard him call out. “I’m not going back to the kitchen to heat it up for you.”
“Why?” was all I could say.
Ben smiled and answered, “I thought it was time to move on. Melody would have approved, or so I like to believe.”
“You were all right?” This huge step couldn’t have been easy.
“I cried like our daughter did when she realized her mama wasn’t home.”
“I’m sorry, Ben. You didn’t have to change anything. Melody is still so much a part of your heart.”
“She always will be, and that’s all right. There’s nothing wrong with loving my late wife. But, that doesn’t mean I can’t move on and eventually love another person. If roles were reversed, I’d want my wife to find happiness again. I wouldn’t want her to grieve the rest of her life.”
“What does this all mean?”
“It means I was blessed enough to have loved and lived with a fine woman for the past ten years. If the Lord sees fit, He’ll bless me again with another fine woman. Preferably, I’d like to be with her longer than a decade, but the choice seems to belong to the Man upstairs.”
I wanted to ask where I might fit into all this, if at all.
I didn’t ask.
With a content heart and guilty conscience, I dug into my Chinese food with zeal.
Chapter 19 - Ben
Back To December ~Taylor Swift
“Ben?”
“Yeah, Mar?”
“Are you free Saturday night?”
It was damn time one of us asked this question. It probably should have been me making the first move. “Yeah, I’m free. What’s up?”
“You remember my college roommate Sylvia?”
“Sure...”
“She and Deacon want me to join them for dinner. She’s asked for months now and I’ve run out of reasons to say no.”
What? This had nothing to do with the two of us? “Why would you say no?”
“Life has been so unstable; I didn’t want to explain my pitiful life to anyone—even my best friend.”
“Isn’t that what a best friend is for?—to share all that’s happening in your life?”
With an abashed grin she answered, “Yeah. You know I’m not good with friends who aren’t right in front of me. I’ve kept in touch with Syl via phone and texts, but I’ve stayed away from a face-to-face confrontation.”
“So she’s finally trapped you into dinner?”
“Something like that.”
I didn’t know what to say. Since Mar wasn’t asking me to do something, I hoped she might ask me to join her. I waited patiently for the invite. But instead, she said, “Would you mind taking care of Ali tomorrow?” What the hell.
What a disappointment. “Um yeah, sure. I can try and put her down if Godzilla
will allow me. Maybe your mom might be a better solution. Sleep time is not a happy time with me and our daughter.”
Mar laughed. “My mom and your parents are in Vegas this weekend.”
“They are? When did that happen and why am I always the last to know?”
“They left this morning. You’re on daddy duty tomorrow night.”
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be alone with my daughter Saturday night; I just didn’t want to be without Marni.
Since our dinner the other night, our relationship was initially awkward but soon returned to our easy friendship. The relationship we had now was better than anything we’d ever experienced. I felt much lighter inside after having decided to pack away some of Melody’s belongings. This house still had her imprints everywhere, but something about admitting it was time to move on, gave me a welcomed sense of freedom.
For her part, Mar was more relaxed. It wasn’t as though she usurped control over my house, but knowing I didn’t feel guilt toward my late wife gave her a newfound sense of freedom as well. We enjoyed each other as friends, and we found tremendous joy and laughter raising our daughter. Ali was that deep and special bond for us. Our love for her translated into a kind of “love” for one another. It was nothing inappropriate, but wholly indefinable.
“How about you invite Sylvia and Deacon over here? I’ll order us food. We can both say goodnight to our daughter without her going psycho on me. Sylvia can see her favorite one-year-old, then we’re all winners.” Once again, none of what I said mattered just as long as Marni and I weren’t separated.
“You can’t let a two-foot, twenty-pound girl bully you, Ben Howard. You need to toughen up or Ali’s going to be a nightmare for you to handle in the near future.”
“I have you to control traffic between us, so I’ll be all right.”
“What if I’m not around?”
“Why wouldn’t you be around?” I sounded a bit desperate asking this question.
“I might want to go out one night or have a business trip. Speaking of, I need to head to New York next week. My evaluation is coming up and it has to be an in-person meeting between my boss, HR, and me. Will you be able to handle Ali while I’m gone?”
“Nope. We’re coming with you.”
Mar didn’t know how to react. She and I had a stare down and I won. “All right. You better order something good. Syl and Deacon were going to take me to that fancy new place on the boardwalk.”
“I’ll take you there if you like. Why didn’t you tell me you wanted to eat there?”
Again, Mar stared at me. “Who are you, and where’s Benjamin Howard?” She asked in jest but there was no humor in her eyes. She was completely befuddled.
“What time will they be over? Tell your friends to come hungry. I’ll order plenty of food.”
Mission Accomplished.
“Good to see you again, Ben.”
“I’m glad you and Deacon were amenable to changing dinner location, Sylvia.”
We all greeted one another and soon after, my princess was down for the night.
“I can’t believe how much Ali’s grown. She’s the spitting image of you, Mar.”
“Syl, I think it’s just the red hair and green eyes. Aside from the coloring, she looks more like Ben.”
“How’s the music business?” Deacon engaged me in a conversation while the ladies talked about my beautiful daughter.
“It’s interesting. I’ve been writing a score for a Hollywood movie and that’s always full of controversy.”
“Yeah? How so?”
While I was explaining my tale, I kept one ear on the ladies’ conversation.
“What the hell, Marni Montgomery? You tell me now that you have a daughter with your ex?” Sylvia tried to whisper, but that word didn’t exist in her vocabulary.
“It’s not as salacious as you make it sound, Syl. I explained what happened with Melody. The product of all that heartache is my spunky Ali. I love her more than life. I’m so blessed to have her.”
“I’m happy for you, but what about Noah?”
“We’re completely done. He came around one last time asking to reconcile, and I told him it was over.” Yes!
“I’m sorry, Marni. That must have hurt after all these years.”
“What hurts more is knowing I’ll never marry or have more kids. Raising Ali makes me want more kids, but I think this is my lot in life.”
“Why are you such a pessimist? You’re in your early thirties. Why the hell would you believe you’ll never marry nor have more kids? What about Ben?” Sylvia really tried hard to whisper those words but I heard her. What I didn’t hear was any sort of an answer from Marni.
“That was fun,” I told Marni as we finished cleaning up the kitchen. “Your friend Sylvia is funnier than anyone I’ve met in a long time.”
Marni smiled. I lived for these smiles lately. “That was fun, and thank you for being such a great host. I’m glad you were able to hang out with my friends. They like you very much.”
“I like them too. I hope they’ll come over more often.”
She gifted me with a smile again.
“Mama!” Shit! Our daughter appeared in the kitchen and scared the daylights out of us.
“Ali-Girl. What are you doing up at this hour?” Ali started tugging on her pajama bottom so Marni went to inspect. “I see what’s wrong. Whoever put on your diaper tonight didn’t do it properly. It’s leaked all over your pants and probably your crib.” She accused with no malice. “Come. Let’s go change you and put you back to sleep.”
The three of us walked hand-in-hand up to her room. While Marni washed and changed our daughter, I tried to do damage control on the crib.
“I’m afraid we’re going to have to buy another mattress. This thing is soaked through. How can a little one pee so much?”
“She’ll have to sleep with you tonight. I hope she doesn’t get used to it. It’s going to be a nightmare to re-train her.”
Once we had righted everything, I carried our baby girl to my bed. She was giddy when I laid her down.
“Mama. Come.” Marni froze when Ali asked for her mother to lay next to her. The hesitation didn’t stop our daughter from pulling on her mom to join her in bed. Marni, very reluctantly, laid down.
“What about me?” I asked.
Ali giggled and offered a “Come” to me as well. I joined the two girls. Our daughter rolled from her stiff mother to her very happy father. She hugged us, kissed us, and had a giddy time until she started bawling from fatigue. That’s when Marni’s body relaxed and she held her daughter atop her.
“It’s all right, Ali-Girl. You’re just tired. Go to sleep so we can have another fun day tomorrow. You get to spend the entire day with your daddy.”
“And Mommy too,” I added.
“You can swim. You can ride the swings. You can play with your puzzles. Tomorrow is another adventure-filled day, but it can only happen when you get a good night’s rest.”
“I think you’ve convinced her. She’s out.” I moved closer to kiss the back of my daughter’s head; her body was still atop her mother.
The three of us on this bed felt right.
Somehow, I wanted Marni to understand.
“Mar?”
“Yeah?” We were inches away from one another but she wouldn’t, she couldn’t look at me.
“I heard what you and Sylvia were talking about earlier tonight and I wanted to tell you that I’m here for you.”
“What does that mean?” she asked on a choked whisper.
“To be honest, I don’t exactly know what that means. What I do know is that this feels right. The three of us are a family, and I’d like to stay that way.”
Once again, I heard no answer.
Chapter 19 - Marni
Back To December ~Taylor Swift
“What’s going on with you and Ben, Daughter?” Why was Mom back from her trip so soon?
“Please be honest with us. We’re dying to know.
” Why was Shea here rather than her own home?
“Why don’t we give the two some privacy, Ladies, but if you’d like to tell us, we’re here to listen, Marni.” Why was Benjamin in cahoots with these grandmothers?
What was going on? Mom, Shea, and Benjamin drove here straight from Vegas, expecting coffee and a “chat.”
“What do you mean? I’ve no clue what you all just asked.” I truly didn’t want to know.
“Did you or did you not spend the night here?” Mom asked.
“You spent the night here? Where? In your old room? On the couch? It couldn’t be in Ali’s room, that chair is too small.” Shea’s curiosity grew by the question.
“Ladies. I think we’re treading on personal info that shouldn’t be discussed.” Benjamin had a smirk on his face while “chastising” the “Ladies.”
I shook my head and walked away from the three grandparents who cut their Vegas trip early and came directly to Ben’s. Explaining last night...what was there to say? I didn’t comprehend it myself. The three of us fell asleep on Ben’s king-sized bed and woke up with our daughter rolling from parent to parent. Ben was not wrong when he said this felt right. Did it ever.
“Hey Grandmas and Grandpa,” Ben greeted everyone. “What brings you by at this early hour? Is this what happens when you get old? You revert to baby hours and get up with the sun?” Ben grabbed a slice of toast and refilled my old cup of coffee for me. “Where’s our daughter?” he asked to the grin of all the grandparents.
“Playing with the Vegas jack-in-the-box.”
“What the hell is a Vegas jack-in-the-box?”
“Don’t ask. It screams Vegas—loud, flashy, full of bells and whistles. Ali can’t get enough. She won’t come to breakfast because she’s so engrossed with the box.”
