by Cee, DW
“Oh.” It was about damn time her attitude softened. “You and Ali go ahead.” OK...maybe she hadn’t softened? Why were women so difficult to read?
“Are you too busy to join us? You do know your daughter will be asking about you within minutes of leaving the neighborhood? It baffles me to no end that you, not I, are her favorite person.”
A smile! Finally, a smile broke. “Sure. I can join you, if that’s what you want. Let me go and pack up her belongings.”
This conversation made my head spin. It was beyond my understanding what had happened to my friend since I last saw her.
“How can this be the ‘Happiest Place on Earth?’ These lines are hell on earth.” For the past hour, I stood in line for the Dumbo ride while Mar took Ali on the merry go round. My daughter rode every horse and carriage during my kill-me-now, hour-long wait in the blazing sun. Did Disneyland not believe in trees? I’d have to rethink coming back to this hellhole.
“You wanted to come here on a Sunday, Ben,” she reminded me. “It’s never this bad on a weekday.”
“You’re on Disneyland duty from now on. I’m done with this park unless they have a cut the line pass.” Marni laughed and pushed me onto the ride with my little girl.
Literally, fifteen seconds later, we were back on land and I was even more pissed. “Would it have killed them to have made this ride about ten times longer? This is the worst return for my time investment.” I officially hated Disneyland. There was no amusement in this park.
“Look at the smile on your daughter’s face. Was that not worth the sweat-drenched shirt of yours?” With Minnie Mouse ears on her head, Ali’s red curls bounced with each step. She didn’t know where to look next. So very different from me, she loved this place with all her heart. Disneyland might have usurped Marni’s role as the greatest love of her life.
“I suppose…” I didn’t completely agree.
“Let’s go eat fried-chicken on Main Street. Sustenance will help cheer you up, Grumpy.”
What honestly cheered me up was Marni’s playful mood. She was behaving like my friend and...co-parent. That was not a word I thought I’d ever associate with my once-girlfriend and sister-in-law, but I was grateful for her. Marni made my life that much easier. Ali loved her more than any human being on earth, and Marni loved her back even deeper. She was an outstanding mother.
I only wished we didn’t have separate homes. To some it might appear odd, but living with Marni was ideal. We didn’t have to split our times with Ali, ever, and I enjoyed having another adult in the house. These days, there was an eerie silence. Now that Marni had her own home, the four-block separation felt no different than a forty-minute separation. I didn’t like it.
“Dada!” My daughter pointed to the giant lollipop.
“Oh, no, Ali. Your mama will not like it if I buy that for you. It’s dinnertime. Let’s go have some fried chicken.”
“No!” She began crying. “Pop!” she screamed.
“Ali.” Mean Mama Marni spoke in a stern voice. “It’s dinnertime. You may not have a lollipop. Let’s go into the restaurant or we can go home. Would you like to go home?”
My adorable daughter shook her head no but the pearl-sized teardrops continued. “Pop?” What she screamed to me, she voiced very softly to her mother.
“No lollipop, but after dinner, you may have some ice cream. Would you like strawberry ice cream?”
As quickly as the tears came, they disappeared. Her smile was in full force. “Cweam?”
“Yes, Ali-Girl. Your favorite strawberry ice cream. Can we go to dinner now?”
Her head bobbed up and down and she grabbed both our hands.
“How’d you do that?” I whispered. “You went from Mean Marni to Sweet Marni and our daughter obeyed you immediately. If I had tried that, she would have thrown a tantrum on Main Street.”
Marni laughed. “I told you to stop being such a pushover. Very soon, she’ll be wise enough to pit us against one another. You and I need to be on the same page.”
“Wow.” I was in awe of her disciplining skills. “You were born to be a mother. You were born to have a boatload of kids.”
“I wish,” Marni answered wistfully. “I’ll just be grateful I have Alice. I didn’t think I’d have any kids. It would be greedy of me to want any more children.”
“Why? You’re young. Why would it be greedy for you to want more kids?”
“Because look at my life, Ben. How would I have more kids? What man will want to start a family with me? Even Noah, who’d been with me through all this, left. As much as it pains me to admit it, I’ll be alone for a very long time.” Marni looked so sad talking about her future. “Maybe after Ali’s all grown, I’ll find someone. For now, I tell myself to be content as a single mother.”
What she said bothered me a great deal. Why would she think she was alone? She had Ali and me. As unconventional as it was, we made a perfect “family” of three. I didn’t want her to find anyone else. Then that new person would ruin the good relationship we had. How could I let Marni know I’d be there for her until the end without it sounding inappropriate?
More and more, I realized how much Marni had always meant to me. During my marriage to Mel, our friendship took a break, but now that we were back to the old, I realized how much I’d missed her.
Chapter 17 - Marni
I Hid It Well ~Alice Clark
How had our lovely afternoon turned maudlin? What was I doing bemoaning to Ben about my lack of a man and a future? This conversation had turned ridiculous.
“Let’s eat before our little girl melts down and asks for a lollipop.” I had to whisper that last word.
While taking turns walking and swinging Ali, Ben asked, “How does my one-year-old even know what a l-o-l-l-i-p-o-p is?”
“Blame it on both Grandmas and one Grandpa. One day, I found her sucking on one and none of the grandparents would take responsibility for introducing her to the candy. Who knows what else they’ve given her without our knowledge.”
“Maybe you should use the Mean Mama Marni voice on them too. They’ll sit up and pay attention just like our daughter did.”
I laughed at his lame comment.
Dinner and a few more rides later, we were all exhausted. Knowing Ali would fall asleep in the car, I changed her into her pajamas, brushed her teeth, and settled her nicely in her car seat for a long ride home. As expected, she fell right asleep.
“I hate that place, Mar. You’re on Disneyland duty until she’s old enough to go on her own.”
“Yeah? When do you think she’ll be old enough to visit Disneyland? Can she go with her friends, or with a date?”
“Hell no, Marni Montgomery. Our daughter is not dating—ever!”
“You mean our daughter won’t grow up next door to some nice boy who will tell her it’s all right to make out on his bed at age sixteen? Or how about if he says they should ‘experience everything together’ before she leaves for college. Of course ‘that can only happen when all the clothes have come off’ according to this sweet boy next door.”
“Stop!” he begged. “OK. I was wrong. No boy and girl should be alone until they’re thirty. My girl will not ever go to a boy’s house, and he may not come to ours unless you or I are present. Bedrooms are off limits. They can visit a bedroom after marriage vows are spoken.”
What a crack-up. Ben was in for a rude awakening.
“I, personally, will encourage our daughter to date.”
“What the hell for, Marni? Why would you court danger and gray hair?”
“Because she shouldn’t be in love with the first boy who comes along. I’d like for her to experience the joys of falling in love many times over. There’s something truly special about those butterflies that take you on a joyride. It’s not enough to be on that ride only once in life.” There was a tender look on Ben’s face when I finished talking. I didn’t understand why there was such light in his eyes. “What?” I asked.
“Think th
rough what you just said.” A small chuckle in his voice explained I had gaffed somehow.
I did as was told and eventually comprehended. I’d given Ben a serious ego boost.
“Yeah, yeah. Go ahead and gloat. Try not to suck the air out of this car. Your daughter needs oxygen for all the snoring she’s doing.”
“Didn’t you love Noah? Weren’t you about to marry him?”
“Of course I loved Noah. What kind of question is that?”
“According to you, it’s not enough to fall in love just once. Weren’t you just spilling your life regrets?” The mocking continued.
“It wasn’t that I wasn’t in love with Noah. A while back, I told you that I cheated myself and Noah those pitter-patters because I was nursing hurt and anger when you and Melody got together. Rather than focusing on the good, I spent too much energy on the bad. Eventually, I got over it and let Noah completely into my heart. As soon as that happened, he cheated on me with Siena and eventually married her. I wasn’t meant to be happy with a man.”
Again, we’d gone from cheery to pathetic. This had to stop.
“Weren’t you happy with me?” Ben asked sheepishly.
“You know I was,” I answered with sadness. I was at my happiest when I was with Ben. Not even my engagement with Noah made me as happy as when I thought Ben and I could conquer the world.
“Let’s go in and talk some more, Mar. You’ve been upset about something since this day began.”
“I’d prefer to see our daughter to bed and head home if that’s OK with you.”
“It’s not OK with me,” he spoke firmly. “I’ll see our daughter to bed. You get in a swim. That should make you happy, or at least satisfied.”
Ben knew me well. I followed his instruction and swam as many laps as this tired body would allow.
“That took a while.”
“Yeah. I don’t swim much anymore so I thought I’d get in a few days’ worth of exercise.”
Ben was extremely annoyed. “Why can’t you swim here like you used to? How come you’ve become a stranger suddenly? You’re treating me like an acquaintance and it’s pissing me off. Why won’t you share what’s on your mind and in your heart?”
“What am I to say?” I asked, frustrated with his request.
“Tell me why you were upset this morning. What have I done wrong this time? I hate not knowing what’s going on in that head of yours!” he yelled.
“What the hell do you want me to say?” I returned the yell. “You want me to tell you that the night Noah and I ended for good was the same night you went out on your first date? You want to know that I couldn’t sleep that night wondering if you had a good time with your colleague—if she spent the night at your place, if you’d found a new woman in your life? While I accepted my lonely fate, it hurt to know you were beginning a new one. Is that honest enough for you? Does it make you feel good to know that I am a loser?”
“Mar.” Ben stood inches away from me. “I didn’t go out with anybody. The tickets are still on the kitchen island; how could you not have noticed them? The only people I want to spend time with are Ali and you. I don’t want to date anyone else.” He moved in even closer. “You and our daughter are the only women in my life right now. I don’t have any plans of changing that status.”
“What does that mean, Ben?” I whispered, afraid of the answer.
Ben leaned in and placed his lips on mine.
What we’d forgotten for a decade was remembered within seconds. This was a first kiss all over again. It was beautiful.
But before I could revel in the beauty, Ben took back this gift of hope.
“Dammit, Mar. This shouldn’t have...we shouldn’t have...this isn’t right. I was married to your sister. I still love your sister. I can’t do this with you.”
Even in death, it would always be about Melody Montgomery Howard.
That was the last nail on this coffin.
I would stop searching and hoping for happiness outside of my daughter.
Chapter 18 - Ben
Like I’m Gonna Lose You ~Meghan Trainor, John Legend
Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn!
It was a big mistake to give into temptation and kiss Mar. It was an even bigger mistake to chastise her about what I initiated. But the biggest mistake was letting her leave with that scarred look in her eyes. I should have stopped her and explained the guilt in my heart.
For weeks now, feelings for Marni had grown but I’d brushed them aside as thankfulness. In my mind, I was still Melody’s husband. My heart belonged to my wife—living or not. No other woman, Marni included, could change that fact. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. These growing feelings didn’t come with a name or an explanation. Spending time with my daughter’s mother made me happy. The three of us together made me even happier.
“Mama!” The call began. My daughter was awake but her mother wasn’t here to receive her.
“Hi Baby. Did you sleep well?”
“No Dada. Mama.” This sassy little one had clear favorites.
“Mama will be here soon, hopefully. Can I get you ready in the meanwhile?”
“No!” It was then that my girl crawled out of her crib and scooted her butt downstairs. After walking from room to room looking for her “Mama” she understood Marni wasn’t here. Ali proceeded to the door and commanded I open it.
“Where are you going, Ali?”
“Mama.” Her favorite and only word this morning and every morning.
Thanks to my daughter, I’d get an opportunity to apologize to Marni. “All right. Put on your shoes and let’s walk to Mama’s house.”
She nodded her consent and tried unsuccessfully to match the shoe with the foot.
When we finally arrived at Marni’s, Ali “ran” to the door and yelled, “Mama!” as loudly as she could. Jackie opened the door with a great big smile and hugged her granddaughter.
“Alice!” She kissed her all over her grimy face. “I’m so glad you’re here. Can I get you out of your diaper and feed you breakfast?”
“Mama?” The daughter wanted her mother.
“Mama will be back soon. In the meanwhile, you and I will have a ball today.”
Ali decided to search the house while I asked, “Where’s Mar?”
“I’m not quite sure, Ben. Did something happen yesterday?”
“Why do you ask?”
“Marni came home long enough to pack a small bag and told me she’d be gone for a few days. She asked me to help with Ali while she was gone.”
“Where’d she go?” Shit. What had I done?
“I don’t know,” Jackie answered. “Marni texted early this morning to say she was all right and that she’d be home soon. She wouldn’t say much else. Do you know what’s wrong with her, Ben?”
“I do, Jackie. I’m sorry. I’ll take care of it.”
As soon as Ali was settled with Jackie, I went home and called Mar. Surprisingly she answered her phone.
“Mar. Where are you?” I asked in the gentlest voice I could find.
“I needed a little time away. Just give me a day or two? I’m sorry for behaving so juvenile. How was Ali this morning?” She spoke in jagged statements.
“She looked for you all over my house, then insisted we walk to yours. She might still be going from room to room calling out her favorite word.”
I knew she was smiling on her end. How could she not when her daughter adored her? “I’ll be home soon. It’s hard staying away from that little girl.”
“Tell me where you are, Mar. Let me come to you. I need to apologize.”
“There’s no need to say you’re sorry. I’ve always known Melody was your true love. I know you feel guilty. I shouldn’t have bared my heart to you. It’s not right to burden a friend so. Right now I only want a little alone time to come to terms with my future. Don’t worry about me. Once I’m done feeling sorry for myself, I’ll be back to the old Marni.” Her thoughts were still all over the place.
It pained me to hear her talk. She’d resigned herself to a life of being alone after Noah left her. I didn’t help the situation by spurning her after I kissed her.
“Let me explain, Mar.”
She wouldn’t let me continue. “Since I’ve made a fool of myself already, I’ll finish by saying my heart believed everything you’d told me leading up to my wedding day. I thought maybe, just maybe, your heart might be opening to me. Crazy, huh? That’s why I welcomed your kiss. I’m sorry for my insane thoughts and hopeless dreams. When I return, I promise to lock everything up again and throw away the key for good. Will you give me a few days to bottle everything up? Thank you for taking care of Ali, and I’m sorry to be inconveniencing you.”
With those words, she hung up.
She wouldn’t allow me to tell her what was in my heart.
All day I couldn’t get Marni off my mind. I was so damn bothered by what I’d done to her.
I had all but promised her a possible relationship before she married Noah. I told her my heart was ready and open for her. During this time, I bared my soul because I wanted to do anything to stop the wedding. Whatever my intentions, everything I’d spoken was true; I could see us starting over again. Yes, I felt guilty as hell for forgetting my late wife, and yes, I felt like a bastard for going back and forth between two sisters. But no, I wasn’t lying. My growing feelings for Marni were genuine.
With Ali spending the night with Jackie, I decided to make a few changes in my life. Regardless of what was happening with Mar, I knew now was the time to move forward.
“I’m sorry my love. You’ll always be in my heart, no matter the years that pass. I hope you’ll understand why I need to move on. I love you Sweet Melody.” After professing my love to my late wife, I proceeded to pack up her belongings. I started with her clothes in the closet and eventually moved to the makeup on the bathroom counter that I hadn’t touched since the last time she used them. I was moved to tears putting all her personal belongings in a box. Ten plus years of loving this woman and it took less than an hour to clear out her presence.
