by Lynn Mann
Infinity made her presence known more strongly until I picked up her sense of calm confidence that everything was as it should be.
‘What is it that I’m carrying?’ I asked, tentatively.
‘Amarilla, you carry an extraordinary amount of emotional pain. There is something about the way it feels that leads me to believe it has always been there, but it seems that it has been newly awakened. I would suggest that there is nothing any Healer can do for you to rid yourself of your physical pain. You must identify the cause of all the emotion you are holding and then find a way to release it. Once your heart is free to work unhindered, I think the physical pain will subside.’
Infinity let me know that Thuma’s advice was sound.
‘Have you come across this before?’ I asked Thuma.
‘A couple of times. In both cases my patients had deep wounds that refused to heal fully, despite my best efforts. I could sense that the wounds were loaded with something that festered and the first time, it was a good few months before I realised that it was emotion rather than anything physical. The second time I recognised it more swiftly and with you it would have been difficult for me to miss. Amarilla, you carry a heavy burden and it is my strong advice to you that you make it a priority to find a way to release it. Your heart will only be able to struggle for so long,’ Thuma said, gently.
‘Do you mean that my heart could give in? I could die?’ I said.
‘I’m sure it won’t come to that Amarilla. Any time you need my support, you come and see me,’ Thuma told me. Feeling numb, I nodded and thanked her.
Infinity’s warmth infused me. You will resolve this. I shall assist you. Everything is as it should be.
Adam and I left Thuma’s room and Adam said, ‘Amarilla, I know you must be feeling overwhelmed. You’re so young and it seems that you are taking on so much. My feeling is that Infinity wouldn’t be allowing it if you weren’t capable of rising to the challenge, so take confidence from that. Trust her. Okay?’
I nodded. ‘She keeps telling me that everything is as it should be.’
I left the building and headed straight for Infinity through the still, clear evening. She was waiting for me, watching me intently but quiet in my mind. I climbed through the fence and she whickered softly. I put my arms around her neck and buried my face in her fur. I have no idea how long we stood so.
Eventually I asked, you know the source of the emotion that’s hindering my heart, causing me this pain?
Of course.
Will you tell me?
You allowed the situation that led to our acquaintance in our previous lives to affect you very deeply.
When I was a Government Advisor?
I felt her assent. You were a long way ahead of most other humans in your thinking at that time. You knew how to resolve the conflict that arose without need for physical force but you were unable to make yourself heard. Your knowledge would have saved millions from suffering had you been able to use your influence to full effect and sway the opinions of those who were in charge. You allowed your inability to do this to weigh heavily on you and the manner of your subsequent punishment by your peers only compounded your torment.
But why does this mean I have pain in my heart now?
You allowed the extreme anguish you suffered to imprint onto your soul. You have carried it with you into this lifetime as an issue to be resolved.
But why is the pain in my heart?
The heart is at the core of your ability to express yourself. You adopted the view that everything that befell the human race at that time was as a direct result of your inability to express yourself strongly enough. You held all of the emotion from that and the events that followed in your heart. You still do.
I leaned my cheek against her warm neck, watching the mist of her breath in the moonlight.
Why has the pain only started now? If I brought it with me from my previous life, why has it waited until now to bother me? I asked.
Like resonates with like.
I made the connection. Back then I had seen a way to avert a war that would take countless lives. I had been unable to express myself strongly enough to make what I knew of use to anyone; exactly as was happening with the knowledge I was gaining and trying to express now. As soon as I was faced with someone who questioned or discounted what I had to say, I crumbled. Everything was beginning to make sense.
The pain is here because I am in a similar situation again?
Because you are in a similar situation and responding in the same way as before. The difficulties you are experiencing with some of your fellow humans have presented you with an opportunity to face the same challenges as before but to respond to them differently. If you succeed then you will be able to release the emotion that you hold and that holds you back.
I have to be able to stand my ground and say what I know to be true in the face of opposition, I thought to myself as much as to Infinity. I felt weak at the knees just thinking about it.
Seventeen
Attacked
Autumn passed me by in a blur of swirling leaves, rain and misery; I hated feeling like an outcast among my fellow Horse-Bonded and I was in almost continual pain.
Knowing that the pain was emanating from my heart made it seem more intense somehow. There were times when it seemed to spiral out of control and my breath would become shallow and raspy while I fought down panic. Was this it? I’d ask myself, had I run out of time to clear the issue that was causing it? Was I going to have a heart attack and die? What if I died all by myself at night-time? What if the pain got even worse?
Every time I was on the verge of losing the plot completely, Infinity would draw me to her. Sometimes just being with her was enough to calm me, but usually she would instruct me to get my saddle and bridle and go with her to the riding paddock. As soon as I was on her back, she would take up all of my concentration. No part of my attention could be spared to dwell on my pain and I would notice after a while that my breathing had returned to normal, the pain in my heart had subsided to a more manageable level and another panic had been overcome.
I told Rowena and Justin that I had a problem with my heart and would be dealing with it by myself, and they were both incredulous. Rowena demanded an explanation, which I found myself unable to give; whenever I thought of the cause of my heart problem and the hurdle I would need to overcome in order to clear it, it felt as if a sore spot very deep in my soul were being prodded. It was too personal, too painful for me to talk about and for a while I avoided even thinking about it. I asked my friends if they could understand that as soon as I felt I could say more, I would, and further I asked if they would cover for me if I were ever too ill to do my chores.
Rowena went to Norieva and arranged that her chores would always be alongside mine and more than a few times, she had to make excuses for me and work longer hours as I left what we were doing to hurry off and ride my horse, in order that I could cope with yet another attack of extreme, heart-clenching pain. I know Justin and Shann both helped her when they could and I felt awful at the burden I was being to them all.
It wasn’t long before word got around that I was leaving my chores for others to do whilst I went to ride my horse, and to those who were already feeling cool towards me for my rebellion towards Feryl, I was now a very credible target at whom to direct their hostility. I was either ignored, glared at, or openly berated for my behaviour and not once could I find it within myself to explain my actions.
On one occasion, I was hurrying from the tack room with my saddle and bridle, my heart lurching painfully, my breathing erratic and sweat pouring down my face despite the frost that crunched beneath my feet. I was focused on getting to my horse, knowing that once I was with her my symptoms would begin to ease and that once I was riding, Infinity would fill my senses sufficiently that the pain would subside to a level that was necessary, rather than debilitating. I didn’t notice Feryl and a group of his admirers coming towards me, all on horseback, until they w
ere almost on top of me. As I sidestepped around Liberal, I noticed briefly that the hollows above his eyes were more pronounced.
‘And here she is again,’ Feryl sneered. ‘I expect that your deluded, long-suffering friends are, yet again, doing your work for you while you go and snatch some extra practice at riding terribly, are they Amarilla? Just how do you get them to do it?’
I looked at the ground and hurried on. I could feel my heart straining against the shackles of my emotion and every now and then it lurched sickeningly as it managed a few stronger beats before the vice that I had subconsciously placed around it tightened once more. I ground my teeth together, concentrating on keeping my feet moving in the right direction. Infinity’s calm reassurance drew me to her, providing a focus that prevented me from slipping into hysteria.
‘Don’t want to tell us? No, I didn’t think so, you hurry off little Amarilla, go and play,’ Feryl called and laughed an empty laugh that was echoed by some of his companions. I increased my pace even more, knowing that I should calmly defend my actions, but knowing also that I was further than ever from being able to do so.
I was practically gasping when I reached Infinity, and had allowed fear to assure me that I would faint. Infinity ignored my predicament and held her head out to be bridled. Once I had her tacked up, she turned and gave me a gentle nip on the outside of my thigh in reprimand for tightening the girth without pulling her legs forward to remove any trapped wrinkles of skin.
As soon as she was out of the gate, I was on her back. Immediately I could feel, as always, that she needed my help to balance; I needed to get myself into position and then support her with my legs and reins. Infinity focused on what she was doing and I was drawn completely and utterly into an awareness of her body and her needs, leaving my body to calm itself back down without the hindrance of my mind’s agitation.
My riding did seem to be slowly improving. I could now help Infinity to lift a little without falling, but if I lost concentration even momentarily, she would either stumble due to a lack of support, or grind to a halt due to a yank in the mouth from me as I grabbed at the reins.
Rowena and Justin were faring much better. Rowena had learnt to help Oak to lift in both walk and trot and was beginning to work on his canter. Justin was at a similar level with Gas, though the chestnut stallion, thrilled at the support he could get from Justin’s rein contact, continued to lean against it.
We began to draw spectators to our riding sessions. They were from the crowd who often sat watching Feryl teach and as we passed them with our horses on the way to our riding paddock, they would follow us and then sit on the fence and amuse themselves by calling out less than helpful suggestions while we rode. I could feel thoughts whistling past me from Oak and Gas, and my friends remained silent, even Rowena. I was aware of her fury, but she didn’t say a word. It seemed the horses were all in agreement that if anyone was to be responsible for explaining and defending our actions, it was going to have to be me.
We took the initial measure of moving our horses to one of the far paddocks, just beyond the riding paddock we liked to frequent. That way, we could take our gear across the paddocks to our horses, tack up and go straight into the riding paddock without having to pass Feryl’s teaching paddock. It wasn’t long before our avoidance tactics were discovered, however and when the heckling started up once more, we resorted to riding during lunchtime. The lovely Turi agreed to save us some food, so that we might eat it when the lunch sitting was over.
Rowena was initially furious at the way we were “sneaking around, as if we were doing something wrong,” and Justin admitted to feeling uncomfortable about it, but I managed to persuade them to go along with it for the time being. Aside from my aversion to confrontation was my reasoning — that the others eventually admitted was sound — that the people who were threatened by the fact that we were going our own way would never be talked around. We would need to show them the results of what we were attempting and we would work towards achieving that much better and quicker if we could work with our horses in peace.
And so it was that by the time winter set in, our horses found themselves in one of the furthest paddocks from the buildings. I hated being so far from Infinity, but I knew that she liked her new paddock; it was much larger than her previous one and it had a high hedge sheltering it down one side and an enormous stone field shelter that she, Oak and Gas could share with plenty of room to spare when they needed somewhere to escape from the weather. The fact that it was one of the furthest paddocks meant that it was used much less than the others and still had a good amount of grass, and it was in close proximity to our riding paddock, which suited all of us.
It wasn’t long before Spider joined the herd; he had apparently badgered Shann for several days and nights without break, not only to move him back in with Gas, but to ask if he might join our riding sessions too.
It was unfortunate that we then experienced one of the harshest winters for decades. The snow arrived a few weeks before the Longest Night Festival and then the weather closed in on us all, refusing to permit even the hardiest of us to be outside for more than a few hours at a time. By day, the sun was hidden by thick clouds that either spilled yet more snow or threatened to. By night, the temperatures plummeted and froze everything to everything else and it seemed that the cold, biting wind would keep blowing until it had stripped the hide from every living creature unfortunate enough to be out in it for too long.
Thankfully, hay and shelter were in plentiful supply, so all of our animals fared relatively well but it was hard work looking after them, especially for those of us who had to lug hay and water to the furthest paddocks over tracks that were soon trampled to hard-packed ice.
Riding was miserable, as our hands and feet became numb and painful within minutes. We persevered, although Rowena and Justin were soon limited to restricting their work to walk with just a little bit of trotting once the ground froze and became too hard and slippery for any faster work. Rowena concentrated on helping Oak to stay lifted as he made transitions between the paces, whilst Justin was attempting to find a way to persuade Gas to stop leaning quite so heavily on his reins. Shann and Spider spent a good amount of that bitterly cold winter observing our sessions rather than joining in, as Shann explained that he was still having trouble understanding exactly what we were attempting to do and why. Rowena was of the firm belief that it had more to do with Shann not wanting to get his hands cold.
My apprenticeship had ground to a halt somewhat, as my pain levels fluctuated unpredictably and I found myself unable to follow Adam’s rule and leave all of my concerns at the door. He was kind and understanding, but I felt I was letting him down. He occupied me with sorting through the vast herb stores, putting to one side any that I could sense were too old to be of any use, and making a careful inventory of what we had, so that we could fill any gaps by gathering more once spring arrived.
The Longest Night Festival was difficult for me as I missed my family desperately, but I made an effort to join in the festivities alongside my friends. I twisted small conifer twigs into a crown to wear to the midnight ceremony — where we would welcome the days becoming longer once more — and decorated it with holly berries and the tiny horseshoes my aunt had sent; it was customary for the Horse-Bonded to wear the tiny ornaments from their Quest Ceremonies in their crowns. As I sat between Adam and Shann, attempting to keep up with the rowdy verse we were all singing, I wished I could have been with my family. I pictured them all sitting around the kitchen table, laughing and joking with the fire roaring in the hearth.
You are closer to them than you think, Infinity informed me. I managed to find new strength in my voice for the next few lines about the Weather-Singer who took on a hurricane and battled it for three days and nights.
It seemed that winter would never end. The Weather-Singers refused to attempt to influence the weather even the tiniest bit and anyone who went shivering to them to request it was firmly reminde
d that whilst they were happy to influence short term weather patterns, attempting to change the course of a whole season was grossly inappropriate. There was much grumbling about the Weather-Singers’ “obstinacy”, “inconsideration” and “arrogance” and I felt slightly guilty at my relief that I was no longer the sole target of ill feeling.
As the end of that bitter winter drew near, a day arrived that was forever afterwards referred to as “that day”.
There had been a definite lessening of the bite in the wind and a perceptible softening in the snow and ice underfoot, and the general mood at The Gathering was improving. I had been having one of my better days. I’d spent the morning helping Adam make up jars of poultice whilst he told me anecdotes from his own time as an Apprentice, some of which had had me in tears of laughter. My riding session afterwards had gone well; Rowena had worked out that by closing her thighs around Oak and pulling back with them slightly, she could stop him from leaning against the bridle when he moved from walk to trot and I found that her discovery was the missing ingredient for which I had been searching.
Infinity had become more used to her thoughts and feelings having to struggle to be expressed when I rode her and she tended to concentrate on feeling the hope that was trying to surface. When I asked her to lift a little and then closed my thighs around her and pulled back, her front legs immediately carried less weight and her chest opened a fraction, enough for her hope and a surge of delight to break through!
Justin, Rowena and Shann all clapped. I asked Infinity to halt and flung my arms around her neck, laughing with joy but slightly disbelieving of what we had just achieved. Then I took the reins back up and tried again.
