by Lynn Mann
‘Infinity told me. I broke my arm on the way here and she told me to heal it, so I did. Salom told you all about this, I know she did.’
‘We thought Salom was, um, exaggerating,’ Holly said.
‘No, be honest Holly,’ Vickery said, ‘we all know that Heralds tell exactly how it is. The truth is that none of us believed you had done what you told Salom you’d done, Amarilla. We thought it was you who was exaggerating.’
‘Well now you all know that I wasn’t. I healed my arm on the way here and I healed it because Infinity told me I could. She’s also told me that when the Woeful attacked our horses, they played the part they were meant to. Rather than hunting the Woeful, we should be learning from what happened and making plans to help them. If you have any questions, ask your horses, they’ll be able to answer you much better than I can.’
I made to walk away through the shocked silence, but Jack caught hold of my arm and held me back. ‘You really mean that we Healers have the ability to perform any of the Skills? Weather-singing? Metal-singing? Any of them?’ he whispered. ‘We simply must have a private meeting about this, just we Healers, away from everyone else, to discuss what to do with this information!’
And there it was, displayed openly — if not consciously — by Jack’s hunger for the knowledge that would set him apart. The human need to feel special. Shock pierced the positive armour I had been managing to hold around myself and I succumbed to the anger that seeped in through the hole.
I raised my voice. ‘It isn’t just Healers who can perform all of the Skills, anyone can do it, they just need to know they can. That’s all there is to it, knowing you can do it instead of believing you can’t. The Skills are all the same. Ask your horses, all of you, ask them and for the sake of us all, LISTEN TO THEM. LISTEN TO WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT THE SKILLS AND LISTEN TO WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT THE WOEFUL!’
‘How dare you lecture us about our horses!’ said an angry voice.
Jack and a few others stared at me with an intensity I found unnerving as another voice said, ‘she’s not going to tell us how to do it! Can you believe it? She wants to keep all that knowledge to herself just so she’ll make a name for herself and go down in the Histories!’
‘She’s been nothing but trouble ever since she got here, always flying in the face of how we do things, always having to do everything her own way, but this selfishness, well, I’ve never come across anything like it in my life!’ stormed someone else.
Thuma watched me thoughtfully and with sympathy written on her face, but made no move to defend me and when I sought Holly’s gaze, all I found there was disappointment. I was aware of Infinity’s calm support, but it wasn’t enough. My courage failed, I lost all ability to hold a positive shield around myself and as my heart began its protests anew, I felt totally overwhelmed. I looked around desperately for a way to escape all of those angry and disapproving glares, but I couldn’t see one. The pain in my heart escalated.
Adam’s face appeared in front of mine. ‘Here you are Amarilla. It’s no wonder you can’t reach the breakfast table with all of these people standing in your way, now just clear a space for us to move if you would be so kind,’ he said, taking my arm gently and turning to lead me through the gap in the crowd that was forming in front of him. ‘Thank you Thuma, oh I’m glad I saw you, would you be so kind as to pop in to see me this afternoon? Lovely, thank you so much. Vickery, I have some large bell jars that are empty and clean, I know you were wanting some more, I’ll leave them outside your door, shall I? Oh, and Jacob…’ he chatted amiably to many of the people as we made our way past, until somehow we had exited the throng. ‘Come and sit down now Amarilla, and I’ll get you some porridge, if that will be enough for you this morning?’ he asked.
I nodded, gritting my teeth together at the pain in my chest. He led me to the table where Rowena sat. She glanced at me briefly and I thought I saw a glimpse of sympathy, but it was quickly replaced by anger before she looked away. Adam pulled out a chair for me to sit on and then patted my shoulder gently before heading off towards the food table.
Justin sat down beside me. ‘What’re that lot doing over there? They look like a load of bees whose hive has just been turned upside down. Are you all right Am? What’s happened? Rowena what’s been going on?’ Justin demanded, but was answered with only a silent glare from Rowena. As her eyes turned in my direction, the hurt and anger they hurled at me was too much. I ran.
I don’t remember how I got to Infinity but the next thing I knew, I was standing by her as she stood in her field shelter, munching hay. My heart was agony with every arhythmical beat and I felt dizzy and overwhelmed with fear. I closed my eyes and leant my head against Infinity’s neck. I smelt sweat and smoke, and opened my eyes in confusion. My gnarled, dirt-encrusted hand rested against my mare’s dapple-grey neck and I couldn’t stop it shaking. Soon we would ride to our deaths; I knew it and she knew it. The sound of Gunfire jolted me into action. I managed to lift my foot to the stirrup iron and pull myself onto my horse’s back. ‘HOLD THE LINE! CHARGE!’ The words echoed around in my head and then we were moving, my horse and me. My beautiful, beautiful horse. She enveloped me warmly with her love and reassurance. I was with my horse. Everything would be alright. I became aware once more of my present life and my heart settled into a more steady, albeit painful, rhythm.
Why didn’t you do that when I was surrounded by the Healers? I demanded of Infinity. You left it until now to help me get control of myself? Why?
I supported you as much as was helpful.
But I couldn’t stay in my positive space, I turned into a quivering wreck. You could have helped keep me steady like you just did and then I would have been able to defend myself. You say that you wouldn’t have been helping?
Infinity didn’t reply.
But why? I felt so frustrated. I had been presented with an ideal opportunity to vanquish the demons of my past, to voice my truth and stand my ground when challenged about it and I had barely managed to get two sentences out before deserting my post.
Infinity was gentle with her thoughts. You and I have both chosen this lifetime to clear issues that we have been holding onto but no longer need. Only I can clear my issues and only you can clear yours. We may facilitate each other in this task but anything more than that will result in the issues remaining unresolved.
But why would giving me the extra reassurance have stopped me being able to stand my ground?
There are different layers to the issue that you have chosen to resolve. The outer layer is the rejection you feel when your fellow humans refuse to listen to you. This has occurred regularly since you were very young and you have become accomplished at dealing with it. The next layer involves having the courage to speak your truth when you know it will be ill received. The layer which is buried most deeply relates to defending your ideas with confidence when you are challenged over the truth you have spoken. Had I protected you from negativity and fuelled your sense of yourself then you would have been better able to defend yourself but your confidence would have come from your bond with me and not from within yourself. I would have been shielding you from your own insecurities and this is not help. I will always provide support but only you can learn where to find the confidence you seek.
But can’t you tell me where to find it? Surely that isn’t doing it for me? Just pointing me in the right direction?
Infinity’s attention was fixed now on her pile of hay. I sighed and sank down to sit in the straw beside her. How was it that I’d been awake for such a short time and already felt so tired?
Footsteps squelching through the slushy mud outside announced that someone approached. Justin appeared, carrying a steaming bowl of porridge in one hand and a huge pile of toast in the other. He handed me the porridge. ‘I gather you’ve been upsetting people again Am, so early in the morning too, I don’t know why I like hanging around with such a trouble maker,’ he grinned. ‘Adam said to tell you that you are excused from your app
renticeship this morning as you and he have far more important things to do. He’s having something to eat and then he’ll meet you up here. From what he told me, you handled yourself pretty well with the Healers, so why did you run?’
‘Fin told me to make a positive shield around myself to keep that angry, scared feeling out, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to say anything at all. I was doing okay until I saw the problem with humans, how ridiculous we are. Infinity has told me about it and I’ve seen it in myself at times, but today I saw it in the worst possible way, in people I look up to. I got really angry and shouted at everyone, then my heart went mad and I didn’t know what to do. Adam rescued me and then Rowena fired all her emotion in my direction and I couldn’t cope, so I ran.’
‘And dare I ask what the problem with humans is, that unhinges you so completely when you see it?’ Justin’s mouth twitched.
‘We have a need to feel that we’re special and more important than other people. It’s because we only feel worthwhile if other people think we are.’
Justin frowned. ‘And you’ve seen it in yourself?’
I nodded. ‘Haven’t you?’
He shrugged. ‘I was never much good at school because I couldn’t concentrate for very long and I didn’t show aptitude for any of the Skills when I tested — and before you say it, don’t — so I trained as a Carpenter. I was an indifferent one though, I just couldn’t settle. And then when Gas tugged me I was so shocked, I didn’t have time to process what was happening before I’d had my Quest Ceremony and was off looking for him, and he’s been showing me up ever since, so I can say with all honesty that I’ve never had the chance to feel special!’
‘But what about at your Quest Ceremony? Didn’t everyone look up to you? Didn’t you feel good about yourself, knowing you’d be joining the Horse-Bonded?’
‘All I remember feeling was a desperation to be off, to find the source of what was pulling at my mind. I could feel this raw energy that knew no limits, just how I feel most of the time, but from Gas I could feel a sense of knowing that accompanied the wildness of his energy. It was such a relief to feel that there was another out there who was so like me, yet so much more than me and I felt like I’d never have to feel alone again if I could find him, so that was pretty much all that was on my mind, sorry!’
‘Well, you’re obviously doing better than the rest of us,’ I said. ‘Except Adam, he seems to have things pretty well sorted.’
‘Well he had a long time to learn from Peace. It’s my guess that Adam managed to learn pretty much everything that Peace wanted to teach him before he moved on.’
I nodded. ‘Infinity calls Adam “He Who Is Peace”. She calls Quinta “She Who Is Noble” too.’
Justin said, ‘I wonder if maybe that’s why Spider wants to work with both Adam and Quinta?’
‘Huh?’
‘Well the way Infinity refers to them suggests that they managed to become what they saw in their horses when they bonded — they achieved the full potential of their relationships with Peace and Noble. And it’s never been heard of before for a horse whose human has died to work with any other humans, they usually either stay at The Gathering if they’ve formed attachments with other bonded horses, or they go back to find their original herds. So maybe Spider wants to work with them because…’ He stopped as Gas’s thoughts whistled by me and Infinity let me know of her disapproval.
‘We’re invading Adam and Quinta’s privacy by talking about this,’ Justin said.
‘What’s this? Privacy? I don’t entertain the idea myself,’ smiled Adam as he entered the shelter.
‘Sorry Adam, Am and I got to talking about you and Quinta in the course of conversation and we didn’t notice we were beginning to intrude into things that are nothing to do with us, until Gas and Infinity pulled us up.’
‘No apology is necessary. I imagine you were only voicing what Quinta and I are already thinking. Spider was tired last night and after he had called us both to him and made his request, he could think only of eating and sleeping, which is more than either of us have been able to do since then! Now who have we in here? Infinity, Diligence and Oak, ah Spider must be with Gas, it didn’t take those two any time to pick up old habits, did it? Quinta will be here soon, I hope you don’t mind Amarilla, I think both you and I would be better served this morning by not pretending we’ll have any success at being able to focus on herbalism. Spider tells me he’s feeling rested and is eager to begin working with Quinta and me, and we were rather hoping that you, Justin and Rowena would consent to helping us make a start?’ His eyes shone with excitement.
‘Of course we will,’ said Justin. ‘I’m not sure about Rowena but Gas and I can show you where we started and how far we’ve got and Amarilla can help from the ground.’
I was distracted by a feeling that was slightly familiar and yet not. It was coming from behind me. I whirled around to find Diligence standing there, staring at me. I recognised what I was feeling; Dili was trying to make herself heard in my mind again.
‘Everything alright Am?’ asked Justin.
I nodded, my mind racing. I had to accept that I could hear her and relax. Infinity receded rapidly in my mind and I panicked and tried to grab hold of her and pull her back. Fin what are you doing? Where are you going?
You know that it is not possible for me to go anywhere. I merely make space so that you may find Diligence in your own way.
But why? Can’t you stay as we always are? Can’t you help me to hear her?
Your mind would find it confusing. For now you will find it easier to communicate with horses other than me if you interpret them as being separate from me.
A lump was forming in my throat and I found myself remembering my first day at school and the anxiety I had felt when my mother kissed me and I knew that she was going to leave me there. Then I felt Diligence providing gentle support. Her energy was there, at the edge of my mind if I needed to draw on it to steady myself. I wanted to push it away like a child having a tantrum, because it wasn’t her support I wanted, it was Infinity’s, but then I realised how much Infinity would disapprove if I did so and that was enough incentive to get a hold of myself.
I forced myself to calm down, aware that Adam and Justin now leaned against the wall of the field shelter a short distance away, watching. I reached for Infinity and felt her familiar presence sitting very small at the back of my mind. Reassured that she was, indeed, still there, I focused on breathing deeply and clearing my mind as I tried to find a way to hear Diligence.
Nearly… relax… fluttered into the outer reaches of my mind and I felt a brief sense of triumph before my mind shut her out again. Aaaaaargh! I drew on Diligence’s energetic support to help me relax more, but I still couldn’t seem to find a way to allow her mind to touch mine. My mind flicked back to when Infinity told me I could heal my arm. It was about going beyond believing I could do it, I had to know I could. I took another deep breath. It had to be the same. I turned my attention to where Infinity waited quietly within my mind. I felt our bond, my total trust in her, and I knew.
Greetings Walks A Straight Path. You find this difficult yet you have succeeded. Dili wasn’t a presence in my mind in the way that Infinity was, she was at the edge of my mind, politely waiting for my response.
Diligence, I can hear you! How will this work though? It doesn’t feel the same as my bond with Infinity.
I am aware of everything you think and feel since I am a horse and it is not possible for me to be otherwise. I am not your Bond-Partner however and will offer no counsel unless you ask for it. If I wish to communicate with you I will nudge your mind and if you do not wish to hear me then I will not intrude.
Will I be aware of Mason now, through you?
I will ensure that does not happen. It would not benefit our proposed endeavour.
What endeavour? I asked.
You and I may be of great assistance to one another. I am aware of your efforts to help your Bond-Par
tner to utilise her body in a different way. It is hard for you since you must learn to ride whilst attempting something which is difficult. I ask that you ride me whilst Infinity recovers from her injuries. You will have the opportunity to become a stronger and more confident rider.
But what about Mason? Won’t he mind?
He is excited by the notion. Once you feel confident enough we would ask that you help me to improve my own balance. He will find it too difficult to help me begin to make the changes I require but once I have made a beginning our hope is that he will be able to help me to continue. I offer you the use of my body to aid you in your quest. We ask for the use of yours to aid us in ours. There was a depth of feeling that Dili attached to the word “he” that made it refer specifically to Mason and I had a sense of the strength of their bond.
My mind raced. Fin? Will this be okay?
Infinity remained purposefully neutral and I grimaced at my need to apply human manners to a situation that didn’t require them.
Dili, I’d love to ride you, thank you! And I’ll try my very best to help you and Mason once I know what I’m doing a bit more! I told her.
I shall require a bridle and bit such as the others have. We should visit the workshop immediately so that I may have my head measured, Dili replied.
I turned to where Adam and Justin waited patiently. ‘Can you start without me this morning? Dili’s asked me to ride her while Infinity’s recovering and we need to go down to Mason’s workshop to have her measured for a bridle!’
They both began to speak as I felt the faintest push against the edge of my mind. I raised my hand up to stop them both. Dili?
He has informed me that he knows my body as well as his own and will not require me to visit him to be measured. He has already begun work on my bridle and will visit a Metal-Singer with a request for my bit. He is of the opinion that He Who Is Peace can show you which saddle is mine. That way we may begin our work together immediately.
‘Cancel that, Mason doesn’t need us, and he thinks you’ll be able to show me which is Dili’s saddle, Adam? Is that alright?’
