by Lynn Mann
‘Well of course it is. I take it we may now assume that Spider isn’t the only horse to be side-stepping convention by communicating with someone other than his Bond-Partner?’
I explained what had transpired between Diligence and me. Adam’s grin widened and Justin shook his head slowly in wonder. I got the giggles. All I had wanted was to be with my horse and fit in, yet I seemed to be totally incapable of preventing myself from flouting all normality and tradition! As I realised just how little control I had over the course my life was taking, I saw the humour in my human struggle to keep my life on the straight and uncomplicated path that I had envisioned for myself. My giggles turned into full-blown, unstoppable laughter that drew my friends to laugh alongside me.
When my laughter finally subsided, Infinity increased her presence in my mind once more. Your awareness increases. This will help you greatly, she informed me.
But Fin, how am I supposed to be now? I always thought I was in charge of the direction my life took but now I know I’m not really, what do I do?
You have merely become aware that your soul and your personality do not necessarily want the same thing.
But how does that help me, aside from giving me a good laugh every now and then?
Your personality differs in each life you live but your soul endures. You know this. Your personality in this lifetime has been shaped by your upbringing and experience of life so far. Choices made at the level of your personality tend to be made with the primary aim of self-preservation and often are not in harmony with the choice of your soul. When there is a conflict between personality and soul your personality will experience life as being difficult. When choices are made that allow the soul to express itself fully through the personality then life seems easier even when circumstances are not straightforward.
How do I make sure it’s my soul that is making the choices? How will I know if I’m doing it?
You could have refused to ride Diligence.
No, I couldn’t.
I sensed Infinity’s satisfaction and realisation dawned.
I couldn’t refuse because everything within me said it would be a good thing to do. My soul and personality were aligned.
Your choices are always yours to make but now you have seen both the humour and the futility of allowing your personality to attempt to thwart your soul’s purpose. Your challenge now will be to allow your soul to influence more of the choices made by your personality. It will not always be easy.
‘Oh good, another challenge, it’s not as if I don’t have enough of those already,’ I groaned.
Twenty-One
Progress
Diligence’s saddle hadn’t been ridden in for a long time by all accounts, yet we found it recently oiled, conditioned and sitting atop a brand new sheepskin saddle pad. I smiled, realising that Mason and Dili had been plotting for some time.
Once we were all gathered at the riding paddocks, we decided to take it in turns to ride. Quinta and Spider went first. It was strange to see someone other than Shann riding Spider and I was fascinated by how different he was in personality with Quinta aboard; gone was the goofy clown, Spider was quiet and focused as he responded to his equally quiet and focused rider. With a little help from Justin, Quinta soon found a rein contact with which Spider was happy. She and Spider made their way over to us but Adam made no move to go over to them.
‘Spider needs a rest now,’ he and Quinta said at the same time. ‘This is going to take some getting used to,’ grinned Adam.
‘You go next Am,’ said Justin and gave me a leg up.
I was just arranging myself in Dili’s enormous saddle when the sound of thundering hooves made me look over towards the path. I wasn’t hugely surprised to see Oak cantering with Rowena on his back; I’d wondered if he’d call for Rowena to come and ride when we took all of the horses except Infinity from the paddock. He didn’t slow down as they neared our riding paddock though and I realised with a sinking heart that they weren’t coming to join us. Rowena looked over in our direction and gave a brief nod, which I was pretty sure wasn’t aimed at me, and then urged Oak on faster in the direction of the river. I sighed.
Dili nudged my mind. I am ready to begin. I await your signals.
Right, sorry. Shall I practise everything that Feryl taught me while we walk around, and then try it in trot?
As you wish.
‘If anyone can see me doing something wrong, or if you think I need to do it better, can you shout out please?’ I called out. ‘Dili’s going to bear with me while I practise all the basics.’
There was a murmur of agreement, so Dili and I set off. It felt strange to be riding a horse whose body I couldn’t be instantly aware of with my mind as I could with Infinity’s; I could tune into various parts of Dili as I would if I were preparing to heal her, but it wasn’t the same as being able to share her own awareness of her body as I could with my own horse. I had to rely purely on what I could feel physically from Dili when choosing which signals to use and when to alter them. I became engrossed in trying to make my body do as I asked and feeling how Dili’s body responded. I was surprised to notice that Dili didn’t feel massively more balanced than Infinity. True, she didn’t feel as low in front of me as did my own horse, but it was a bit like sitting astride a plank of wood with legs that moved very heavily beneath.
You now understand why we have asked for your help.
Oh, Dili I’m sorry, that was rude and insensitive of me.
No need. Your observations are accurate and it pleases me that you are aware of the task that lies before you. Shall we trot? Do not answer with your mind. Your body requires the practice.
I obediently gave a little nudge with my heels and Dili obliged me by trotting. My friends roared with laughter as I bounced around in a saddle that was too large for me, on a horse with an unfamiliar way of moving. I persevered, holding onto the front of the saddle to help keep myself in it and trying fervently to keep my heels down to give me some anchorage.
The laughter turned to cheering when I finally managed to rise and sit to Dili’s two-time rhythm. I whooped out loud as Dili and I trotted around the paddock and when I became aware that her breathing was beginning to sound a bit too loud, I closed my thighs around her and pulled back, as I’d learnt to do in my last session riding Infinity. She came to an abrupt halt and I was launched up her neck, where I lay panting as my friends once again filled my ears with their laughter.
You helped me to stop more quickly than I have been accustomed, Dili told me.
Dili I’m sorry but I need to get off before I fall off, is that alright for today’s session?
We have made a promising beginning.
I slid from her back, landed on my feet and then promptly fell back onto my bottom.
‘We should be selling tickets for this, honestly, I haven’t laughed so much since Shann… well for a long time anyway,’ said Justin, offering a hand and then pulling me back onto my feet. ‘Well done, that was a good start.’
I loosened Dili’s girth and ran the stirrups up to the top of the leathers so they wouldn’t bang against her sides. We made our way back to where the others waited.
‘I don’t think I’m going to be able to walk tomorrow,’ I groaned to yet more laughter. ‘Are you going next, Adam?’
‘No, we were just saying that after having watched you helping Dili to lift in front and stop like that, it would be good if Justin could show us exactly what you did. Hello, here comes Mason in rather a hurry!’
I spun around to see Mason attempting to jog up the path towards us in the slush, his arms flailing as he fought for his balance. Panic shot through me. Infinity! I reached for her and found her dozing peacefully. So why was Mason in such a hurry? Was I meant to wait for him to come before I rode Dili? She’d told me that Mason was keen to complete her bridle, but I must have got that wrong, I decided and ran to meet him.
‘Mason I’m sorry, I didn’t realise you wanted to come and watch, I thought yo
u wouldn’t need to, to begin with while I’m learning to ride better…’
‘What did you do?’ he gasped.
‘Oh, well, I practised using the signals properly in walk and then we did some trotting and I nearly fell off, and then I was just getting the hang of it when I could feel Dili was getting tired so I asked her to stop by closing my thighs around her and pulling back, and Adam just said she lifted a little before she stopped, but I didn’t feel that, I was too busy trying to stay on!’ I said, confused; he would have been aware of this through Dili while sitting in his workshop.
He nodded. ‘When you asked her to stop, she felt different. If I wasn’t so hot and sweaty I’d hug you my little Amarilla, because what you just did has just made my Diligence very happy.’ He rubbed Dili’s forehead. ‘Well Dili, by the look of things, our Amarilla isn’t goin’ to be hangin’ around, she’s started work on you already! You’re goin’ to have to let me know when you plan to ride Amarilla, I’m goin’ to need to start watchin’ sooner than I thought!’
I settled into a routine as winter finally gave way to spring. As soon as I woke in the morning, I would sit on the side of my bed and check in with Infinity. Immediately I would be filled with a warm, calm feeling as if everything was alright with the world. I’d use that feeling to muster as much positivity and light within myself as I could and I would project the light out from my body in all directions, to form a sort of shield that would protect me from the fear that still gripped The Gathering. I would then practise holding it around myself for as long into the day as I could, before taking myself off somewhere quiet to recreate it. I found that as time went on, I got quicker at manifesting my little light cocoon, as I thought of it, and was able to hold it longer into the day before needing to recreate it.
I saw to Infinity’s needs before breakfast, after which I focused my attention on my herbalism apprenticeship; Adam and I had agreed that being able to perform all the Healing Skills didn’t negate the need to complete my herb journal.
Adam, Justin, Quinta, Mason and I ate lunch together and then had a riding session afterwards — we were soon joined by Marvel and Broad — before attending to the chores we had been allocated until it was time for dinner.
Feryl and his cronies appeared to have decided against interfering when we rode and I wasn’t sure whether it was because of how I’d spoken to Feryl on “that day”, or because I was in the constant company of people in front of whom he didn’t feel comfortable bullying me, but whatever the reason, it was a relief.
We were all working hard. Adam and Quinta quickly became used to riding Spider in his bridle and were enthusiastically helping each other to support him with their reins and legs while he lifted in front more. Justin was able to help Gas lift in all three paces now and was focusing on improving the timing of his signals so that Gas could maintain his improved balance more consistently. Marvel and Broad seemed to find things as easy as Rowena and Oak had and approached everything they tried with a huge amount of gusto.
My sessions with Dili were paying dividends. For the first half of each session Dili would allow me to concentrate on reminding my body what I needed it to do, so that I could build up muscle memory and strength. Once I felt that I was ready, I would ask her to lift with a squeeze of my legs against her belly, and then support her in her new position with my reins and my thighs.
Mason was a great help to me, watching quietly when I was practising what I could do already but ready to answer any questions I had, in conjunction with Dili, if I wasn’t sure whether I was doing things quite as she needed me to. He was fascinated by what he could feel happening to her body. ‘She’s no spring chicken, is my Dili, but you know she feels a lot less stiff in her front legs since you’ve been showin’ her how to balance better,’ he told me one day, ‘this means the world to her, my little Am, the whole world, you’ve no idea.’
Your Bond-Partner is nearly back to full health, Dili informed me one afternoon. She will require that you are confident in your balance in all three paces if you are to be of utmost use to her. We will work on the third pace today.
I felt nervous. This would be the first time that I would be attempting something I hadn’t already tried with Infinity. Infinity remained quiet at the back of my mind as Dili’s thoughts trickled into it. I shall look after you. You will not fall.
I took a deep breath. Dili was right, Infinity would need me to know how to ride in canter by the time I tried it with her, as she would be feeling even more vulnerable with the increase in speed. I needed to do this.
Mason gave me a leg up and then Dili and I worked through our usual routine. Once we were both thoroughly warmed up, and after I had run out of reasons to delay it, I asked her to canter, trying to remember everything that Mason had told me I would need to do. Dili launched herself into a steady canter and as soon as I felt the rocking sensation, my instinct was to clamp on with my legs to keep myself in the saddle.
Adam and Spider appeared next to us, also in canter. ‘Relax your legs away from her sides, you won’t fall, just relax your lower back. That’s it! That’s better! Look everyone, Amarilla’s enjoying her first canter!’
They peeled away from us and everyone cheered as Dili cantered slowly and carefully around the outside of the paddock. Adam was right, I was enjoying it! It was easy once I did as I was told and relaxed so that my body could follow Dili’s movement.
I will trot now, Dili warned me briefly, and then I found myself bouncing around in the saddle as she changed gait. Immediately, she slowed to a walk, breathing heavily. Mason was by our side in a flash, rubbing her neck.
‘What’s wrong Mason? Is she alright?’ I said.
‘She’s fine, she’s fine. Just feelin’ her age a bit; she isn’t as fit as she used to be are you Dili? But don’t be lookin’ so worried little Am, by the looks of what I’ve just seen, you’ll be workin’ a lot more in canter now and her fitness will soon improve. And maybe it won’t be too long before…’ he mumbled something that I couldn’t catch.
‘Sorry?’ I said.
‘What? Oh nothin’, nothin’ to worry about, I’ll take Dili back to the paddock and give her a good groom if you’ve finished for today? She’s a tired old bag o’ bones!’ he said.
‘Thanks Mason and thanks Dili,’ I said, rubbing her neck affectionately. I went over to where Quinta was sitting on the fence, watching Adam and Spider work on their transitions.
‘Well done Amarilla!’ she said. ‘Your first canter! Looks like Diligence will be improving her fitness quickly now, good for her at her age. Mind you, she and Mason are so excited about all this, there’s no stopping either of them at the moment.’
‘What do you mean? What’s Mason doing?’
Quinta flushed. ‘Oh. I assumed Mason would’ve told you, still I’m sure he won’t mind me letting on… have you noticed anything different about him recently?’
‘He’s been wearing different clothes from the ones he normally wears, is that what you mean?’
Quinta nodded. ‘His old ones are too big. He gets up before anyone is around and runs laps around the riding paddocks, and the weight’s falling off him. He’s really pushing himself.’
‘He’s getting ready to ride again,’ I said.
‘Yes, he is. He can feel the difference you’re making to Dili by riding her as you are and he’s determined to try and do as good a job when you’re back riding Infinity, so he’s put himself on a fitness regime. He doesn’t want to let her down.’
‘Why would he think he’d let her down?’
‘I’ve not seen him ride but he’s always said he was never very good at it. Personally, I think he was probably as good as the next person, just not as good as he thought he should be. I think that watching you has inspired him.’
‘Me? I’m not exactly a shining example of a good rider!’
‘And that’s the point. You’ve only been riding a matter of months, but you try as hard as you can and you’re making a differenc
e to her. As far as he’s concerned, if you can do it, he can do it. I’ve never seen him so determined.’
I was so glad. I’d grown close to both Dili and Mason as we worked together and the thought that they both appeared to be experiencing a new lease of life left me with a very warm feeling. I was still smiling while I groomed Infinity later that day, as she stood dozing in the spring sunshine.
Everything happens as it should, she reminded me. I was understanding more and more what she meant.
As spring bloomed in all her glory, the atmosphere began to lighten at The Gathering; fear was gradually being replaced by a sense of purpose as a large group of the Bonded set about making serious plans to hunt the Woeful.
Their relief is ill found, Infinity informed me one morning while I was discussing the situation with Quinta.
I relayed her comment to my friend, who nodded and said, ‘they feel better because they think that making plans to remove the cause of their fear will stop it from returning.’
‘But what do we do? They won’t listen to us and they won’t listen to their horses,’ I said.
‘For now, I think we do what we’re doing. Our horses are giving top priority to the work we’re doing together, so we have to trust that somehow, what we’re doing will help with what we’re going to need to do in the very near future.’
I hoped she was right. I was able to relax my light shield without feeling battered by the storm of fear that had been present over recent weeks, however I found that I felt somewhat naked without it. I felt more at ease with myself, more confident, when I had my light surrounding me and I decided it was a practice I would continue. Infinity approved.
My heart was still bothering me, but the pain seemed to have stabilised at a lower, more manageable level. I often found myself wondering why it was better. Was it because I was settled into a routine that I was finding comfortable, where I wasn’t finding myself constantly challenged or ridiculed? Was it my light shield that was making the difference, helping me to feel less vulnerable to the negative opinions of others around me? Or was it maybe because of the fact that I’d managed to make myself heard when I’d challenged everyone in the dining room to listen to their horses — maybe I’d managed to clear some of the emotion I was holding that was affecting my heart so much? I wasn’t sure and Infinity hadn’t seen fit to enlighten me, so for now I was enjoying the respite from the full-blown symptoms for as long as it would last.
