by Lynn Mann
I was thrilled when Infinity announced that she would like to have more freedom to move around than her paddock was allowing her. She began coming up to the riding paddock with us all, walking purposefully around the perimeter while we worked.
After a week of walking, I noticed that she was experimenting with brief spells of trot. I had to fight back the tears as I saw how stiff she was. I couldn’t concentrate on riding Dili, so I asked Infinity to wait until I’d finished with Dili before she did any trotting, so that I could run around with her as she worked through her aches and stiffness. Although she agreed to my request, Infinity made it clear that indulging my sentiments wasn’t something she would be doing on a regular basis, which made me smile.
Diligence reached the point where she was fit, strong and confident enough in all three paces that I was having to step in less to help her to maintain a better balance and I knew that Mason itched to be able to learn how to help her himself.
The change in him was staggering. He would always be a big man, but he had shed a lot of weight and now looked a great deal younger. I suggested to Dili and Mason that I ride Dili at the beginning of each session and help her to find the balance we had been achieving so far, and then Mason could ride after me and I would help him whilst I walked and ran around with Infinity. My suggestion was met by I agree it is time, from Dili and a bear hug from Mason, which turned into him lifting me off the ground and twirling me around him in the air.
Quinta’s assumption about Mason’s riding ability turned out to be accurate. He sat with a natural ease and balance in the saddle and learnt rapidly how to help Dili to balance better, but he put a lot of pressure on himself. I’d see him shake his head to himself if his timing to give a signal was a split-second too slow and sometimes he’d ask Dili to stop while he sat with his eyes to the sky in frustration at his own perceived shortcomings. I could feel that Dili communicated with him, so I said nothing.
I was overjoyed to be working with Infinity again, even if only from the ground. I’d loved riding Dili and had got so much from it, but having Infinity back up at the riding paddock with me made it feel like everything was in its rightful place again. When Mason and Dili began to need me less, Infinity and I moved off on our own more. She was feeling better with every exercise session and she soon was able to trot for longer than I could run. I wanted to stay with her, as I could feel how hard she was pushing herself and wanted to give her as much energy and encouragement as I could, but I was constantly being left behind. An idea occurred to me.
Fin, do you think you could circle around me? If you work on a big circle and I work on a smaller one inside yours, I’ll be close to you all the time without getting left behind when you trot.
She immediately began to walk a circle around me, but it wasn’t long before she stopped, her ears flickering back and forth uncertainly.
Fin? What’s wrong?
I cannot walk forward whilst you are in front of me.
???????? I’m not in front of you! Are you alright? Have you had enough for today?
We will try once more. She resumed walking on her circle and I went back to walking my circle inside hers. She seemed happier for a while and then stopped again. It is too difficult to overcome.
What is? I don’t understand.
I will show you.
Immediately, I saw images of other horses in my mind. They appeared to move at random as they grazed, played or moved off as a herd, but Infinity showed me how she moved in response to their movement and body language so that conflict in the herd was avoided. When a horse of higher status moved in her direction and wanted her to move out of his way, she would move backwards if he approached from in front of her shoulders, and she would move forward if he approached from behind her shoulders. It was as if there were an invisible line drawn vertically down her body that affected the direction in which she would move in response to the approach of a horse of higher status in the herd than herself.
I felt her inability to overcome the instincts of her species and move forward if my body were positioned in front of her shoulder line, even though I was a distance away from her. What shall we do Fin, shall I just run around with you again and try harder to keep up?
This way of working is beneficial. Your focus provides me with energy I can utilise and your observation of my body provides us both with information that is useful. You must improve your body language so that it does not conflict with my instincts.
Right, bear with me and I’ll try. Hold on though, if you are affected by the position of my body relative to yours, does that mean you see me as higher than you in status?
At the level that my soul is aware of yours there is no hierarchy. In this incarnation I have chosen to live as a horse and you as a human. I have given you permission to sit on my back and give me signals to which I respond and the instinct of my species tells me that you are therefore of higher status. This is something with which we must work.
Right, so where exactly is the shoulder line I need to stay behind?
Infinity walked her circle, leaving me to figure it out.
Twenty-Two
Resumption
A marked difference began to form between the horses of our working group and the rest of those at The Gathering. Our horses grew summer coats that gleamed on even the dullest of days. Their eyes were bright, their bodies were toned and supple and they had a zest for life that was infectious. We had to move them to much larger paddocks that could accommodate their frequent desires to canter around, bucking and squealing like yearlings and even Dili and Infinity were joining in. Infinity only allowed herself very short bursts of canter, but Dili, despite her age, was often the one to initiate the joyful proceedings as well as being one of the last to calm down.
The other horses ranged from those who looked pretty much as they always had, albeit that they seemed a toned-down version of themselves compared with ours, to those who were miserable and a little off colour, to some who looked downright unwell.
We realised that the condition of the horses bore a direct relation to the feelings and behaviour of their Bond-Partners; those whose horses suffered the most were in the group most actively involved in planning the hunt for the Woeful. Oak, thankfully, wasn’t included in that group, but he was still a shadow of his former self. He hadn’t asked to move to the larger paddocks with our horses and I missed his mellow presence, but I continued to take Justin’s advice of leaving him to try to help Rowena come to terms with Shann’s loss without interference.
Infinity’s strength and fitness were steadily improving.
Will it be much longer before you feel strong enough to carry me? I asked her as she circled around me one afternoon.
She gave me the sense that the time was fast approaching but not quite here yet. I would test my body further, she whispered in my mind.
I had an idea. ‘Hey, anyone fancy a ride down by the river?’ I yelled to the others.
‘Love to, mind you, whether I actually get to ride or whether I end up on the floor is anyone’s guess, Gas is feeling particularly full of himself this morning!’ laughed Justin.
We made our way down to the river with me, Infinity and Quinta walking at the rear of the ridden horses. Gas and Spider pranced along with Justin and Adam laughing astride them. Broad and Dili were more sensible, but both had a spring in their step and Infinity began to be drawn along with the other horses’ joy and anticipation. As the path opened out onto the river bank, the water hurtled past in front of us, goading us to race it on its turbulent journey. Gas responded immediately, launching himself into a flat-out gallop, with Justin crouched low in the saddle. Spider was close behind, followed by Broad. Dili danced on the spot as Mason turned to us.
‘Comin’ my beauty?’ he asked Infinity as she stood quivering beside me.
I gathered all my love for my horse and sent it to her. Go Fin, go on, you’re ready, I know you are! Go!
Infinity walked a few paces and then broke into trot
. Dili stayed beside her as she turned along the river bank and eased herself into a slow canter. She looked stiff and ungainly, which I could feel was more due to a lack of confidence in her body than anything else. I sent a surge of love to her and also to Dili, thanking her for supporting Infinity with her gentle company. As they moved further away, Infinity seemed to loosen and she increased her pace a little. They got smaller and smaller in the distance and eventually I had to rely solely on my awareness of Infinity’s body to gauge how she was faring.
Little by little, she was allowing the tension to leave her muscles as she began to trust that her body was fit and strong once more. She was out of sight now but I could feel her slowing to a trot before she turned back in the direction of home. She moved back up to a canter, feeling more confident.
Go Fin, go! I urged her and felt her send a new intention to her muscles. She picked up speed as Dili caught up and came alongside her, and then pushed herself harder into a fast canter, her hooves thrumming now against the turf. As she came back into sight she was at full stretch and was pulling away from Diligence.
‘Wow, look at her go!’ Quinta said excitedly.
Tears streamed down my face as I felt Infinity’s joy at being able to move as she had before her body had been so badly injured. She tore along the river bank, her silver-white tail streaming out behind her and the spring sunshine sparkling off her mane as it rose and fell against her neck. Her muscles rippled as she pushed her body to its limit, her head reaching forward with each stride and her nostrils flaring as she drew in air and then forced it back out ready for the next urgent breath. My strong, beautiful, brave horse.
Infinity slowed as she approached Quinta and me, and I could feel her tiredness behind her jubilation. She dropped down to a trot and it looked as if her legs were everywhere at once as she fought her weariness to keep them under control.
‘I’m going to go back with Fin straight away so I can rub her down and get a rug on her before she gets chilled,’ I said to Quinta, who nodded.
I waved to an approaching Mason and Diligence and turned to walk in the direction of The Gathering. Infinity trotted past me, whickering, and I saw that Oak stood where the river bank met the path, with Rowena on his back. He replied to Infinity’s whicker of welcome with a deep whicker of his own.
Rowena smiled at Infinity. ‘Hello Fin, it’s good to see you back to your old self, just look at you, beautiful girl.’
I decided to take Infinity’s lead. I walked up to the three of them and held the back of my hand out for Oak to sniff. ‘Hey mate, how’re you doing?’ I said. As I raised my eyes to his, I saw the pain they held and had to take a deep breath to avoid exclaiming out loud. He held my gaze with purpose; he wanted me to help him get through to his Bond-Partner. My heart lurched in my chest — just when I’d been enjoying the break from it all.
Infinity stood beside me, wet with sweat and breathing heavily. I needed to get her back to her field shelter before she stiffened and got a chill, so there was no time for me to dither.
‘Rowena, come back and ride with us. We miss you. Infinity’s going to be ready for me to ride her soon and I don’t know how I’ll do it without you and Oak,’ I said.
Rowena looked into my eyes and I stepped backwards as I felt the depth of her emotion. I took a deep breath and cocooned myself within a stronger barrier of light. As my energetic protection settled into place around me, I found myself less susceptible to Rowena’s agony. She said nothing.
‘Please Ro? We ride after lunch every day in the far paddock. Marvel and Broad ride with us too, and Broad finds it easy, like Oak does — you and Marvel could probably both get on with things much faster if you helped each other. Mason’s riding Dili now too, you should see them, well I mean you probably just did, but I mean, you should see them working together, it’s really lovely to watch. And you could just watch if you wanted to, to begin with I mean, but come back Rowena? Please?’
I felt Oak’s thoughts streaming towards her and was aware of his desperation. Rowena’s eyes filled with tears and for a moment I thought she would agree. But then she blinked furiously, radiating her fury so that I could feel it battering at the light cocoon I was just about able to maintain around myself.
‘There are things I need to do first,’ she said icily. ‘Just because the rest of you can carry on as if Shann never existed, it doesn’t mean that I can.’
As my heart began to lurch more violently in my chest, I looked from Oak, a physical embodiment of a soul in pain, to Infinity, who was beginning to shiver. Anger began to boil in my stomach. None of us had the time for this. There was far too much to do, helping the horses, the Woeful, not to mention stopping the other Bonded from going on their hunt and risking all of the progress that the humans of The New had made. Shards of anger pierced my light cocoon from the inside and then as my temper exploded, I lost the ability to radiate any light at all.
‘How dare you!’ I said. ‘Get off of Oak right now, you don’t deserve the honour of sitting on his back.’
‘What did you say?’ Rowena’s dark eyes blazed.
‘How dare you call yourself his Bond-Partner. Look at him!’
Rowena dismounted and took a step towards me.
‘And don’t think that hitting me again will stop me saying what you need to hear. Go on, do it if you need to, but I’ll get straight back up and carry on until I’ve said what Oak needs me to say.’
Rowena recoiled. ‘Oak needs you to…? How would you know what my horse needs?’
‘Because I have eyes and a willingness to pay attention to others besides myself, unlike you. How can you be so selfish? How can you see your horse looking worse by the day and not care? Look at the state of him Rowena, you should be ashamed of yourself.’
‘You have no idea…’
‘Yes, yes, we’ve heard it all before. You’re the only one who’s suffering, the only one who’s ever lost anybody, the only one with the right to treat her friends as if they’re her worst enemies and to treat her horse, her Bond-Partner, as if he’s merely her servant, someone to carry her around when she doesn’t feel like walking because yes, Rowena, that’s how you’re treating him and it disgusts me. Oak came for you when you had no one else. He took you away from everything you hated and gave you the chance to grow into the best person you can be. And what do you do? You wallow in your own self-pity and act as if you’re the only one who’s ever grieved. Spider lost Shann too and is he storming around like the world owes him a favour? No, he’s helped Shann to move on and now he’s working with two new souls who need him. Quinta lost Noble and what’s she doing? Oh yes that’s right, she’s working with Adam and Spider, as well as trying to help the rest of you to see what happened “that day” for what it was… an opportunity to learn and move on with things differently.’
Rowena opened her mouth to speak but I didn’t let her.
‘I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY! I have a very tired horse who has suffered worse than any of us and who needs me to take care of her, but instead, I’m standing here talking to you and to be honest, at the moment you’re just not worth the effort. Look around you Rowena, some of us down here have faced difficulties every bit as harrowing as the ones you’re facing, but we’re getting on with things because what we’re doing here is bigger than any single one of us. If you can find it in your heart to put your horse before all your wallowing and self-pity, then we’d love to have you back working with us. If not, then Oak I’m so sorry mate, I don’t know what else I can do. Now I’m taking my horse back to her shelter as I should have been doing ages ago. Come on Fin, I think you’d better trot slowly for a little bit, you’re getting cold. I’ll jog at your shoulder.’
I was breathless as I started to run. My heart hurt, but had ceased its wild lurching part way through my tirade. I couldn’t quite believe I’d just done what I’d done. What had got into me?
Your body has strengthened and you have begun to open at the chest as
a result of helping Diligence to begin to open hers. It was mainly your temper that gave you the strength to speak however, Infinity volunteered.
What do you mean?
Anger gave you the strength to say what was necessary as it has on past occasions. As your chest opens more you will be better able to express yourself from a place of confidence.
How do I get my chest to open more?
We will change as we work together. I shall need a short while to recover from my exertions of today. Then we shall begin.
I can ride you soon? When?
Infinity didn’t answer. She was tired to the point of exhaustion. Exhilaration at the return of her confidence in her body had resulted in her pushing herself way past the point she should have and standing around getting cold whilst I tore Rowena off a strip hadn’t helped at all.
Fin just walk now, come on, we’ll walk the last bit, we’re nearly there.
Once Infinity was rugged up and warm, I fetched hay for her and then set about mucking out the straw bed with vigour. I would soon be riding my horse again! I was desperate to see how much more use I’d be to Infinity when riding her now. When the others returned from their ride a short time later, I was still buzzing.
‘Remind me not to get on the wrong side of you anytime soon little Am, is Infinity alright?’ said Mason.
