The Horses Know (The Horses Know Trilogy Book 1)

by Lynn Mann

  She was carrying a heavy load of bricks in immense heat. She had a piece of wire through her mouth so that her handler could indicate where he wanted her to go, and it hurt her lips and her tongue. She was thirsty and her cracked feet hurt. But she stayed in her body as long as she possibly could, for love of the family who worked her. They lived in as much discomfort as she and depended on her to earn the meagre wage that they needed to survive, but above everything else, they loved her. She felt the father’s heart break every time he was forced to overload her so that he would be paid for the day’s work. She felt the love of the children as they groomed her with their small hands at the end of every day. They rubbed sweat from her, washed the blood and flies from the many shallow wounds inflicted by her badly fitting harness, and hugged her before bed. When the day came that she was too weak to stand up, her family gathered around her, the father cradling her head, the mother stroking her muzzle and the children hugging her neck. Without her they would be destitute, yet their immediate concern was for her. She sent them all the love she could, but they couldn’t feel it even as they sat and loved her back. She left her body, wishing she could have made them understand that everything was as it should be, that she would be alright, and that, when their times came, so would they.

  She was being ridden by someone who loved what she could do for him but had no concern for her beyond his own ambitions. Crowds of cheering people scared her but she was held firmly in place by a harsh rein contact and a strong pair of legs at her sides. As the crowd went quiet, music started up and she responded to signals from her rider to move around and perform as she had been trained. Hope that she would be able to get her rider to pay attention to what she, and he, needed, rather than what he wanted, was long gone. She colicked in her stable later that day and left her body, feeling despondent.

  The images came one after the other. She was being ridden by rider after rider, all day, every day, as they learnt to ride for their own enjoyment with no thought as to what she would like to get out of the interaction… She was put in foal too young to an enormous stallion and when she fell desperately ill after giving birth, her foal was taken from her and she was left to die… Lifetime after lifetime was spent carrying riders into battle… She was in front of cheering crowds once more, this time jumping obstacles for a rider who loved her but had no idea how to support her body so that she could jump without injury to herself… She was a wild horse, living on vast plains in a large herd. She had freedom from the shackles of living with humanity and it was a mostly serene existence, but she felt restless and unfulfilled and she left her body long before it would have expired naturally… Image after image flooded my mind and I began to grasp the enormity of how many lifetimes Infinity had lived and how many she had shared with humans, playing a long list of different roles as she waited for the time when humans would be open to the influence of horses — when they would realise that she and her kind could be of far more help than merely as beasts of burden, weapons of war or objects of pleasure.

  In each and every lifetime that she had spent with humans, her chest area had been shut down as a result of being constantly pushed onto her forehand by her burdens, trapping unexpressed emotion which her soul then carried with it from lifetime to lifetime… until now.

  I felt immense sorrow as I watched Infinity, now whinnying shrilly whilst trotting madly around. I tried to reach her with my mind, but she didn’t register my thoughts. Her emotions ran wild and she didn’t seem able to regain control of herself, either mentally or physically. My mind flicked back to all of the times when I’d been in a state of panic over my heart. I remembered how she’d drawn me to ride her, to lose myself in her calm concentration until I was grounded again. I knew what I needed to do. I left my dumbstruck friends where they stood with their horses and made my way over to Infinity. I noticed that the paddock fence was now lined with people.

  ‘Amarilla can Dili and I be of any help?’ Mason called.

  ‘Thanks, but we’ll be alright,’ I said over my shoulder.

  As I approached my mare, I sent my love to her, enfolding her in it as she had done for me so many times. She snorted and came to a halt, trembling, her nostrils pink and flaring, her eyes wide and her head held high as sweat dripped from every inch of her.

  Infinity, I can help. I let you help me, now you have to let me help you. You’ve waited so long to be able to do this and now I’m here for you. I concentrated on keeping myself calm and my thoughts even as I sent another wave of love to her. I took hold of her reins and she flinched as if I’d struck her. Hurt shot through me and my lip trembled before I got myself under control. I’m going to get on your back, Fin, okay? I’m going to lead you over to the fence and then I’m going to get on your back.

  Her eyes looked at me but she didn’t seem able to distinguish me from the images that were still replaying in her mind, one after the other after the other.

  Come with me Fin, come on. I began to lead her towards the fence, noticing that of all people, Feryl leaned against the exact spot for which I was aiming. I found that I didn’t care. Infinity and I were in the middle of something that mattered to her, to me, to all of us and Feryl’s opinions and insecurities were simply irrelevant.

  ‘Well I see you’ve finally managed to drive that horse of yours mad, Amarilla,’ he said loudly.

  ‘Excuse me,’ I said, and waited for him to give me space to climb the fence.

  ‘No, I’m afraid I won’t excuse you and I can’t allow this to go on any longer. By all accounts, you’ve already suffered one injury and it’s my responsibility…’

  ‘I don’t have time for you right now, Feryl, I just need you to move so I can get on and help my horse,’ I said calmly.

  ‘Help her? You call this helping her? You drove her to the point where she threw you Amarilla! Now I’m very happy to get on and ride her myself, that way I can show you…’

  ‘How to produce a shut down, unfulfilled horse like Liberal? You don’t have a clue what’s happening here Feryl and I don’t have the time to explain it to you because my horse needs me, so if you’ll excuse me,’ I began to climb the fence, forcing him to take a step back. ‘There’s my girl, it’ll be okay Fin, just stand for me,’ I spoke softly to Infinity, forcing Feryl out of my mind. If I was to be of use to my horse, there was no room for irritation, self-doubt, anger, or indeed any emotion from me.

  I sat down in the saddle and when Infinity shuddered beneath me, I almost reassured her. No. When I had been the panic-stricken one, she had merely drawn me into our work with no reassurance, no emotion, not even acknowledgement of my anxiety. I took a slow, deep breath and made sure my body was ready and able to support hers. I nudged her forward and she responded hesitantly. I nudged her more firmly. We were going to move forward and back into balance, and that was all there was to it. She moved forward again and whinnied shrilly. After a fleeting internal struggle, I regained my calm composure and repeated my request, even more firmly this time. I felt a hind leg underneath me, then the other. I pushed her on, my intention firm now, my concentration absolute as my body stepped in to support Infinity’s when needed. Haltingly and with a little prancing to the side at one point, we moved back into a precarious balance. A thought tried to take hold of me, that once we found the place where she was in perfect balance once more, when her chest was fully open, she could very well explode again, but I pushed it firmly away. No room. A drop of sweat ran down my face, tickling me, but I couldn’t spare a hand to wipe it away. I asked for her to push just a little harder with her hind legs… and then she was back in her perfect balance.

  Just for a little longer Fin, then we’ll finish.

  We bounced along in a powerful walk, two parts of the same being, just as we’d been what seemed like hours earlier. There was no distinction between me and Infinity, or between us and anything else. We were all there ever had been and all there ever would be. I smiled as I remembered where I had first experienced that feeling. We were A
ll That Is… we were… infinite, my horse agreed and slowed herself to a halt. I am tired.

  I dismounted immediately. We had achieved The Ultimate!! I stood by my horse with one arm over her neck, trying to relive the feeling of oneness I had just experienced. I was oblivious to the total silence that hung over the paddock, until the cheering and clapping erupted from all sides. Infinity and I both jumped at the noise, and she snorted. I stroked her sodden neck, noticing the pink of her skin showing beneath her wet fur, and came fully back to myself as I realised that my horse needed me to take care of her.

  Rowena appeared by my side. ‘That. Was. Amazing. I haven’t got a clue what it was I just saw, but it was beautiful. You and Fin almost looked like, well like you were joined somehow and it made me all emotional.’

  I nodded. ‘I had no idea.’

  ‘No idea about what?’

  ‘About any of it. Rowena, you and the others, you have to push yourselves harder, you have to work harder to help your horses move in a better balance. Much better than they already are, I mean. They have to be able to open at the chest in order to clear…’ I couldn’t continue past the emotion that choked my throat.

  ‘Clear what?’

  Mason threw Infinity’s rug over her back and Justin enfolded me in a warm hug. ‘You’re a brave girl Amarilla,’ he whispered, ‘and in front of all these people too, but you did it! You really did it, I saw you and Infinity become one!’

  I felt a squeeze on my arm as Rowena said, ‘we’ll talk later Am, I’ll wait for you by the gate.’

  ‘We didn’t do it in front of everyone on purpose,’ I said to Justin, ‘but then, everything does seem to happen as it should!’

  He released me. ‘Yes, I guess it probably does, doesn’t it?’

  I said, ‘you know what Fin and I just achieved, yet I’m still here, aren’t I?’

  ‘You have more to do though, don’t you? The two of you? More that stands between you and achieving your full potential?’

  ‘I think so, I think today was just the beginning. But Justin, even when we’re nearly there, I won’t be afraid, how could I be? What’s there to fear about being aware of my place in things and feeling at one with my horse, with everything? After all, it’s the truth, isn’t it?’

  He looked uncertain.

  ‘Please do this with Gas, Justin, he deserves your best and you’re not giving it to him. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for him. Infinity needs to rest now, are you and Gas coming?’

  ‘No, we’re going to stay here and work awhile. Will you be okay on your own?’

  I nodded. ‘Besides, I’m not ever on my own am I, not really?’

  He grinned. ‘No, I don’t suppose you are.’

  Twenty-Five

  Strengthening

  Over the following weeks, our joint balance, strength and confidence improved with every riding session. Every now and then, another memory or emotion — to which Infinity’s soul had held fast during lifetime after lifetime — found its way to the surface of her being and evaporated into the ether as the physical imbalance that had trapped it was corrected. Each release was accompanied by a buck, rear, spin, shy or a combination of any of those manoeuvres, which was never comfortable for either of us, but I knew that I had to sit her cavorting as best I could and be there for her, calm and sure, so that once her outburst was over she could use me to ground herself, just as she’d done for me so many times.

  My friends increased their efforts at pushing their own horses to lift and sit back onto their hindquarters more after hearing my full account of what had happened with Infinity, and Salom didn’t miss a single one of our riding sessions. Whatever the weather, she was there, watching and asking questions. She seemed oblivious that she was a constant source of annoyance for Rowena, but the rest of us were pleased at her interest — it meant that she was still at The Gathering, rather than spreading negative news to the villages and we hoped that she was beginning to understand what it was that we were trying to achieve.

  We were all delighted when Norieva, Holly and Thuma asked if they and their horses could join our sessions and we took it in turns to help them. None of them had been there when Infinity first began to release her past, but each told the same story; their horses, like all of the others, had been aware of what our group was attempting and as soon as they had felt Infinity progress to the point she had, they had informed their Bond-Partners that they wanted to join us. We all suspected that many other horses were making the same demands of their own partners, as increasing numbers of people were coming to watch us ride.

  Adam made a point of riding around the perimeter of our riding paddock at the end of each session, talking to everyone who had been watching us and making sure they knew that anyone who wanted to come and ride with us would be very welcome. Every few days after the first three came to join us, one or two more horses and riders arrived to ride with us and the paddock, large as it was, began to get a little crowded — a fact of which I was possibly the most keenly aware, since Infinity and I needed the most space to allow for her periodic explosions.

  ‘How are we supposed to concentrate with all these people making all of this noise?’ complained Rowena one day.

  ‘I find that… ooooof… Infinity keeps me from getting too distracted,’ I replied as Infinity sidestepped and bucked. As I felt another previously trapped trickle of emotion leave her, I forgot all about Rowena and gave her all of my attention.

  Infinity’s latest release was over almost as soon as it had begun and we moved on to practise being able to maintain a powerful, balanced trot. It fascinated me that balance could be such a precarious thing; Infinity was now capable of reaching such a perfect physical balance that the toxic emotions of her past were fast running out of places to hide within her — and judging by how my heart function was steadily improving, my own balance wasn’t far behind — yet something as innocuous as a bump in the ground was enough to throw us both off balance completely! But we worked on, trying our best to stay on our circle as we worked around the other riders.

  Justin and Gas crossed in front of us and I realised with a jolt that Gas was looking better. His neck was arched, his withers lifted and he walked forward powerfully and purposefully, a world away from his old, joggy walk. My heart leapt. With Infinity taking up so much of my attention and all the new riders teeming around in the paddock, it had been a while since I’d really noticed how any of my friends were doing. I turned Infinity alongside Gas and asked her to slow to a walk.

  ‘Gas is looking fantastic!’ I told Justin.

  He grimaced. ‘I’m doing my best, but Gas is frustrated that we’re not moving on with this faster. I’m trying Am, but I’m only asking of him as much as I dare and it’s not enough, I know it isn’t. He wants me to push myself and him further, he wants to achieve the same level of balance as Infinity but I’m too much of a coward.’

  ‘You’re asking more than you dared to ask before, aren’t you? You must be, or else Gas wouldn’t have changed so much. And as time goes on, you’ll push yourself and him harder, and you’ll get there, I know you will.’

  ‘Get where though? I don’t have your courage, Am. You don’t hold anything back when you help Infinity to move like that, but I can’t do it. I’m terrified I’ll lose myself if I give everything the way you do and I’m letting Gas down.’

  ‘Stop letting him down then, it’s that simple.’

  ‘No, it isn’t.’

  ‘Yes, it is. You’re choosing to see being in balance with your horse and truly being at one with him as a threat to your individuality and to your life. Choose differently.’

  ‘I can’t just…’

  A roar interrupted him. Infinity and Gas both stopped in their tracks and I could feel Infinity’s heart thumping against my left leg. It was a horse’s roar, similar to the one Infinity had issued weeks back, but deeper. All of the horses and riders around us had also come to a halt, and each and every horse had their
ears pricked, eyes bulging and nostrils flared. Then, to a horse, they all relaxed and turned their attention back to their riders.

  ‘That’s Spider,’ said Justin and nudged Gas in the direction of noise. Infinity and I followed them.

  All of the other horses and riders had moved away from Spider as he bucked, spun, reared, kicked out behind, struck out in front and occasionally shot forward before grinding to a halt and leaping around again, roaring and screaming all the while. Adam, though, stuck fast. Wherever Spider launched his body, Adam’s body went with him, seemingly without effort. He sat in his saddle wearing an expression of relaxed concentration and I felt my shoulders, which I’d hitched up in tension when I’d first caught sight of what was happening, relax back down. It seemed that Adam had helped Spider to reach the same level of balance as Infinity, with the same result and he appeared to have grasped instantly what he needed to do to help his horse. Spider would be okay. I looked around for Quinta and saw her standing over by the fence on her own, her face wet with tears. I jumped down from Infinity’s back and we went to stand with Quinta.

  ‘I h-had no idea,’ she said.

  I put an arm around her shoulder. ‘The main thing is, that we’re helping them to release it all now and Adam’s doing brilliantly, much better than I did, he’s really amazing, isn’t he?’

  ‘Yes, he is. I’m glad it was him that helped Spider get to this point, he’s a much better rider than I am, I’d have either sat there panicking or been thrown by now. I don’t know why Spider asked for me to ride him as well, really.’

  ‘There’ll be a good reason for it, you know that,’ I murmured, mesmerised by Adam’s capability to maintain his balance, physically and emotionally, as Spider’s explosions showed no sign of letting up.