Bikey the Skicycle and Other Tales of Jimmieboy

by John Kendrick Bangs

  When the parade was over a great circus ring showed itself upon thecanvas, and as strains of lovely music came from the left of the tentthe book on the shelf began to recite:

  "The Codfish walks around, The Bass begins to sing; The Whitebait 'round the Terrapin's cage Would better get out of the ring. The Gudgeon is the fish That goes to all the shows, He swims up to the Teredos And tweaks him by the nose."

  "That Gudgeon must have been a sort of Van Amberg," thought Jimmieboy."He did brave things like that."

  Then the book went on again:

  "The Oyster now will please come forth And show the people here Just how he stands upon his head And then doth disappear."

  This interested Jimmieboy very much, and he watched the canvas intentlyas one of the Trick Oysters walked out into the ring, and after kissinghis hand to Jimmieboy and bowing to the rest of the audience--if therewere any to bow to, and Jimmieboy supposed there must be, for the Oystercertainly bowed--he stood upon his head, and then without a wordvanished from sight.

  "Hooray!" shouted Jimmieboy, whereupon the book resumed:

  "Now watch the ring intently, for The Sea-Giraffe now comes, And without any effort turns A plum-cake into crumbs."

  "Huh!" cried Jimmieboy, as he watched the Sea-Giraffe turn the plum-cakeinto crumbs. "That isn't anything to do. I could do that myself, andmake the plum-cake and the crumbs disappear too."

  The book, of course, could not reply to this criticism, and so wentright on.

  "The Lobster and the Shark will now Amuse the little folks By making here, before their eyes, Some rhymes and funny jokes."

  When the book had said this there appeared on the canvas a reallyhandsome Shark clad in a dress suit and a tall hat on his head, followedclosely by a Lobster wearing a jester's coat and cap and bells, andbearing in his hand a little stick with Punch's head on the end of it.

  "How do you do?" the Lobster seemed to say, as he reached out his clawand grabbed the Shark by his right fin.

  "Sir," returned the Shark,

  "If you would really like to know, I'm very glad to say That I am feeling pretty fine, And think 'twill snow to-day."

  "I'M VERY GLAD TO SEE YOU, SHARKEY," SAID THE LOBSTER.]

  "I'm very glad to see you, Sharkey," said the Lobster. "It isexceedingly pleasant to one who is always joking to meet a Fish likeyou."

  "I pray excuse me, Lobster dear, If I should ask you why? Pray come and whisper in my ear, What your words signify."

  "Certainly, my dear Shark," replied the Lobster. "It is alwaysexceedingly pleasant for a droll person to tell his jokes to a creaturewith a mouth as large as yours, because your smile is necessarily atremendous one. I never like to tell my jokes to people with smallmouths, because their smiles are limited, while yours is as broad as theboundless ocean."

  "Thank you," returned the Shark. "That reminds me of a little song, andas I see you have a bass-drum in your pocket, I will sing it, if youwill accompany me."

  Here Jimmieboy had the wonderful experience of seeing a Lobster take abass-drum out of his pocket. I shall not attempt to describe how thelobster did it, because I know you are anxious to hear the Shark'ssong--as also was Jimmieboy--which went as follows:--that is, the wordsdid; the tune I cannot here reproduce, but any reader desirous ofhearing it can do so if he will purchase a bass-drum set in G-flat, andbeat it forty times to the second as hard as he knows how.

  "I find it most convenient to Possess a mouth like this, Why, twenty babes at one fell swoop I easily can kiss; And sixty pounds of apple pie, Plus ten of orange pulp, And forty thousand macaroons I swallow at a gulp.

  "It's big enough for me without Appearing like a dunce To stand upon a platform and Say forty things at once. So large it is I have to wear Of teeth a dozen sets, And I can sing all in a bunch Some twenty-nine duets.

  "Once I was captured by some men, Who put me in a lake, Where sadly I did weep all day-- All night I kept awake: And when the morning came at last, So weary, sir, was I, I yawned and swallowed up that pond, Which left me high and dry.

  "Then when my captors came to me, I opened both my jaws, And snapped each one of them right up Without a moment's pause; I swallowed every single man In all that country round, And as I had the lake inside, They every one were drowned."

  Here the Shark stopped, and Jimmieboy applauded.

  "And what became of you?" asked the Lobster. "Did you die then?"

  "Well," returned the Shark, with a puzzled expression on his face. "Thesong stops there, and I don't know whether I died or not. I presume Idid, unless I swallowed myself and got into the lake again in that way.But, see here, Lobby, you haven't got off any jokes for the childrenyet."

  "No, but I'm ready," returned Lobby. "What's the difference between meand Christmas?"

  "Perhaps I'm very stupid, Sometimes I'm rather slow-- But why you're unlike Christmas I'm sure I do not know,"

  replied the Shark.

  "Oh no, you aren't stupid," said the Lobster. "It would be far stupiderof you to guess the answer when it is my turn to make the little oneslaugh. The reason I am different from Christmas is just this--now don'tlose this, children--with Christmas comes Santa Claus, and with mecomes Lobster claws. Now let me give you another. What is it that'sbrown like a cent, is bigger than a cent, is worth less than a cent, yetcosts a cent?"

  "Perhaps I do not know enough To spell C-A-T, cat-- And yet I really must confess I cannot answer that,"

  returned the Shark.

  "I am very glad of that," said the Lobster. "I should have felt verybadly if you could, because, you know, I want these children here toobserve that while there are some things you can do that I can't do,there are also some things I can do that you can't do. Now the thingthat is brown like a cent, is bigger than a cent, is worth less than acent, yet costs a cent, is a cent's worth of molasses taffy--which theTerrapin will now pass around for sale, along with my photographs, forthe benefit of my family."

  Then the Lobster bowed, the Shark and he locked fin and arm again, andamid the strains of music from the band marched out of the ring, andJimmieboy looking up from the canvas for a moment saw that the Imp hadreturned.

  VI

  _THE CIRCUS CONTINUES_

  "Hullo," said Jimmieboy. "Back again?"

  "Do I look it?" asked the Imp.

  "Yes, I think you do," returned Jimmieboy. "Unless you are your twinbrother; are you your twin brother?"

  "No," laughed the Imp, "I am not. I am myself, and I am back again justas I appear to be, and I've had a real dull time of it since I went awayfrom you."

  "Doing what?" asked Jimmieboy.

  "Well, first I had to tell your mother that the butcher couldn't send aten-pound turkey, but had two six-pounders for her if she wanted them;and then I had to tell him for her that he could send mutton instead.After that I had to blow up the grocer for your father, whose cigarshadn't come, and then tell your father what wasn't so--that the cigarshadn't been ordered--for the grocer. After that, just as I was leaving,the cook came to the 'phone and asked me to tell your Aunt Susan's cookthat her cousin in New York was very ill with a broken wheel on histruck, and that if she would meet her in town at eleven o'clock theycould go to the matinee together, which she said she would do, andaltogether it has been a very dull twenty minutes for me. Have youenjoyed yourself?"

  "Hugely," said Jimmieboy; "and I hope now that you've come back Ihaven't got to stop enjoying myself in the same way. I'm right in themiddle of the Fish Circus."

  "Oh, are you," said the Imp, with a smile. "I rather enjoy that myself.How far have you got?"

  "The Shark and the Lobster had just gone off when you came back."

  "Good," returned the Imp. "The best part of the performance is yet tocome. Move over there in the chair and make room for me. There--that'sit. Now let's see what's on next. Oh yes. Here comes the Juggling Clam;he is delightful.
I like him better that way than if he was served withtomato ketchup."

  The Book interrupted the Imp at this point, and observed:

  "Now glue your eyes upon the ring, And see the Juggling Clam Transform a piece of purple string Into a pillow-sham.

  "Nor think that when he has done so His tricks are seen and done, For next he'll turn a jet-black crow Into a penny bun.

  "Next from his handsome heaven hat He'll take a piece of pie, A donkey, and a Maltese cat, A green bluebottle fly;

  "A talking-doll, a pair of skates, A fine apartment-house, A pound of sweet imported dates, A brace of roasted grouse;

  "And should you not be satisfied When he has done all that, He'll take whatever you decide Out of that beaver hat.

  "And after that he'll lightly spring Into the atmosphere, And show you how a Clam can sing If he but persevere.

  "When he has all this to you, If you applaud him well He'll be so glad he'll show you through His handsome pinky shell."

  Jimmieboy didn't believe the Clam could do all this, and he said so tothe Imp, but the Imp told him to "wait and see," and when the boy didwait he certainly did see, for the Clam did everything that waspromised, and when Jimmieboy, just to test the resources of thewonderful hat, asked the Clam to bring out three dozen jam tarts, theClam brought out the three dozen jam tarts--only they were picture jamtarts, and Jimmieboy could only decide that it was a wonderfulperformance, though he would have liked mightily to taste the tarts, andsee if they were as good as they looked.

  "What comes next?" queried Jimmieboy, as the Clam bowed himself out ofthe ring.

  "Listen, and the Book will tell," returned the Imp.

  The Book resumed:

  "We now shall have the privilege Of witnessing the Whale Come forth, and set our teeth on edge By standing on his tail.

  "When this is done, he'll open wide That wondrous mouth of his, And let us see how the inside Of such great creatures is;

  "And those who wish to take a trip-- Like Jonah took one time-- Can through his mammoth larynx slip For one small silver dime.

  "For dollars ten, he'll take you to The coast of Labrador, The Arctic Ocean he'll go through For dollars twenty-four;

  "And should you wish to see the Pole, He'll take you safely there, If you will pay the usual toll-- Ten thousand is the fare."

  "I'd like to go to the North Pole," said Jimmieboy.

  "Got ten thousand dollars in your pocket?" queried the Imp, with asnicker.

  "No; but I've got a dollar in my iron bank," said Jimmieboy; "perhapshe'd take me for that."

  YOUR EARS WOULD BE FROZEN SOLID.]

  "Very likely he would," said the Imp. "These circus fellows will doalmost anything for money; but when he got you there he would tell youyou could stay there until you paid the other $9999; and think howawful that would be. Why, your ears would be frozen solid inside of fourweeks."

  "Is it as cold as that at the Pole?" said Jimmieboy.

  "Colder!" ejaculated the Imp. "Why, when I was there once I felt chillyin spite of my twenty-eight seal-skin sacques and sixty-seven mufflers,so I decided to build a fire. I got the fagots all ready, lit the match,and what do you suppose happened?"

  "What?" queried Jimmieboy, in a whisper, for he was a little awed by theImp's manner. "Wouldn't the match light?"

  "Worse than that," replied the Imp. "It lit, but before I could touch itto the fagots the flame froze!"

  Jimmieboy eyed the Imp closely. This seemed to him so like a fairystory, in which the first half is always untrue and the last halfimaginary, that he did not exactly know whether the Imp meant him tobelieve all he said or not. It did him no particular good, though, toscrutinize the Imp's countenance, for that worthy gave not the slightestsign that there was any room for doubt as to the truth of this story;indeed, he continued:

  "Why, the last time I went to the North Pole I took forty-seventhermometers to register the coolth of it, and the mercury not only wentdown to the very bottom of every one of them, but went down so quicklythat it burst through the glass bulb that marked 4006 below zero, andfell eight miles more before it even began to slow up. It was so coldthat some milk I carried in a bottle was frozen so hard that it didn'tthaw out for sixteen months after I got back, although I kept it inboiling water all the time, and one of the Esquimaux who came up therein midsummer to shoot polar bears had to send for a plumber after hisreturn home to thaw out his neck, which had frozen stiff."

  "Maybe that is why the Whale charges so much to take people there,"suggested Jimmieboy.

  "It is, exactly. There is no risk about it for him, but he has to eat somuch hot coal and other things to warm him up, that really it costs himnearly as much as he gets to make the trip. I don't believe that heclears more than half a dollar on the whole thing, even when he iscrowded," said the Imp.

  "Crowded?" echoed Jimmieboy. "What do you mean by that?"

  "Crowded? Why, crowded is an English word meaning jamful and two more,"said the Imp.

  "But crowded with what?" queried Jimmieboy.

  "Why, passengers, of course. What did you suppose? Ink bottles?"

  "Then he takes more than one passenger at a time," said Jimmieboy.

  "Certainly he does. He'll hold twenty-five boys of your size in comfort,thirty-five in discomfort, forty-five in an emergency, and fifty at apinch," said the Imp. "But see here, we are losing a lot of circus.There goes the Educated Scallop out of the ring now. I'm sorry youmissed him, for he is a tender."

  "A what?"

  "A tender. That is, he is ten times as marvellous as a wonder. Why thatScallop is the finest comic actor you ever saw. His imitation of a partyof sharks off manning is simply the most laughable thing I ever saw,"said the Imp, enthusiastically.

  "I wish I could understand half of what you say," said Jimmieboy,looking wistfully at the Imp. "Because if I did, you know, I might guessthe rest."

  "What is it you don't understand now?" asked the Imp.

  "What is a party of sharks off manning?" queried Jimmieboy.

  "Did you ever see a man fishing?" questioned the Imp.

  "Yes."

  "Well, if a man can fish, why shouldn't a fish man? Sharks can catch menjust as easily as men can catch sharks, and the Scallop shows how sharksbehave when they catch men--that's all."

  "I wish I'd seen it; can't you turn back to that page in the book, andhave it done all over again?" asked the boy.

  "No, I can't," said the Imp. "It's against the rules of the Library. Ithurts a book to be turned back, just as much as it hurts your littlefinger to be turned back, and in nine cases out of ten turning backpages makes them dogeared; and dogs, or anything that even suggestsdogs, are not allowed here. Why, if the other Imps who own this Librarywith me knew that I had even mentioned dogs they would suspend me for aweek. But, my dear boy, we really must stop talking. This time we missedthe Crab with the iron claw--why, that Crab can crack hickory nuts withthat claw when he's half asleep; and when he's wide awake he can hold acherry stone a hundred miles a minute, and that's holding mighty fast, Ican tell you. Let's hear what the Book has to say now."

  "Bang!" said the Book.

  "Dear me!" cried the Imp. "Did you hear that!"

  "Yes," said Jimmieboy. "What does it mean?"

  "It means the circus is all over," said the Imp. "That was the shuttingof the Book we heard. It's too bad; but there are other things quite aswell worth seeing here. I'll tell you what we'll do--I'll find thePixyweevil Poetry Book, and turn that on, and while you are listening,I'll see who that is ringing, for I am quite sure the bell rang a minuteago."

  VII

  _THE POETRY BOOK, AND THE END_

  The Imp then arranged the wires so that the Poetry Book could reciteitself to Jimmieboy, after which he went back to his office to see whoit was that had been ringing the bell.

  "My first poem," said a soft silvery voice from the top shelf, towardswhich Jimm
ieboy immediately directed his attention--"my first poem is aperfect gem. I have never seen anything anywhere that could by anypossibility be finer than it is, unless it be in my new book, whichcontains millions of better ones. It is called, 'To a Street Lamp,' andgoes this way:

  "You seem quite plain, old Lamp, to men, Yet 'twould be hard to say What we should do without you when Night follows on the day;

  "And while your lumination seems Much less than that of sun, I truly think but for your beams We would be much undone.

  "And who knows, Lamp, but to some wight, Too small for me to see, You are just such a wondrous sight As old Sol is to me!

  "Isn't that just terribly lovely?" said the soft silvery voice when thepoem was completed.

  "Yes; but I don't think it's very funny," said Jimmieboy. "I like tolaugh, you know, and I couldn't laugh at that."

  "Oh!" said the silvery voice, with a slight tinge of disappointment init. "You want fun do you? Well, how do you like this? I think it is thefunniest thing ever written, except others by the same author:

  "There was an old man in New York Who thought he'd been changed to a stork; He stood on one limb 'Til his eyesight grew dim, And used his left foot for a fork."

  "That's the kind," said Jimmieboy, enthusiastically. "I could listen toa million of that sort of poems."

  "I'd be very glad to tell you a million of them," returned the voice,"but I don't believe there's electricity enough for me to do it undertwenty-five minutes, and as we only have five left, I'm going to recitemy lines on 'A Sulphur Match.'