In an attempt to meet the media’s ideals, we’ve been hoodwinked into wearing masks and falling for others who are also wearing masks. Is it any wonder then that when the masks come off and we see what’s behind them, we end up with a lot of incompatibility, frustration, and anger? And is it any wonder that our divorce rate is now over 50 percent?
I’m not suggesting for a minute that you let yourself go—quite the contrary; make the most of what you’ve got. I just want you to realize that there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t look like the folks on TV and in the magazines and blogs, because they don’t look like themselves either. Be yourself, maximize what you’ve got, and get rid of the masks. You might just find that you’re hiding what you really have to offer.
We’ve also been conditioned to believe our prince or princess will just waltz into our lives, but most of the time it doesn’t work that way. Sure, love at first sight happens (see page 28), but it’s not wise to count on it. If you lost your job and just waited for someone to knock on your door and offer you a fabulous position, you might have to wait forever. You have to get yourself out there—talk to people, explore opportunities, make connections. That’s where love by design comes in.
Love by design is a series of steps that helps you connect with your matched opposite. It’s not cold or calculating and it’s not settling for second best. Rather, it is understanding the process of falling in love with the right person and taking deliberate steps to make it happen. Love by design draws on the experiences of those who got it right and are in happy, long-term relationships, but since mistakes are often the best teachers, it also draws on those who consistently get it wrong. It uses a wealth of body language and linguistic techniques to help you make the most of your body, your personality, and your conversational abilities. You’ll begin by evaluating your self-talk, inner monologue, values and motivators, and looking at the kind of person you think you are. Then you’ll look at your personality and behavior traits. Are you an extrovert or an introvert? Are you rational or emotional? Are you visual, physical, kinesthetic, or auditory? Once you have a greater understanding of yourself, you can work out what kind of person you’re most likely to successfully love and be loved by.
When you know what you’re looking for, you can fine-tune your self-presentation so that you make a fabulous first impression. You can optimize your rapport skills to accelerate your ability to connect with someone and find common ground. From there, you can glide rapidly into intimacy by self-disclosure, sharing the kind of confidential information that creates bonds between people. I’ll teach you to manage the timing, risk, and excitement in all of this so you can move through the steps as effectively and naturally as possible.
Love by Chance
Wouldn’t it be great if we could fall in love with the right person at first sight? Sometimes it happens. She looks, he looks, she smiles, he smiles—suddenly passions are stirred, inhibitions discarded, and whammo!—love at first sight. This kind of love occurs when two people immediately recognize something in each other that they absolutely know they want. The attraction is so profound that it compels them to act—in fact, it’s usually so strong that all caution and common sense go out the window.
Research shows that it’s not just a physical, sexual attraction, but rather the mutual recognition that you also complement each other perfectly in terms of personality and temperament.
Dr. Earl Naumann, author of Love at First Sight, interviewed and surveyed 1,500 individuals of all races, religions, and backgrounds across America, and concluded that love at first sight is not a rare experience. What’s more, Dr. Naumann theorizes that if you believe in love at first sight, there’s a roughly 60 percent chance it will happen to you. Here’s what led him to that conclusion:
• Nearly two thirds of the population believes in love at first sight.
• Of the believers, more than half have experienced it.
• Fifty-five percent of those who experienced it married the object of their affection.
• Three quarters of these married couples stayed married.
Take the story of Francis and Eileen, the parents of two of my closest friends. During the Second World War, Francis was a Spitfire pilot, and one night he attended a theatrical review for the troops. “The moment Eileen stepped onto the stage, the strangest feeling came over me,” Francis told me. “I thought, That’s my wife. I had not a single doubt in my mind. I had no idea who she was but I knew this woman would be with me for the rest of my life. When the show was over, I went backstage and wangled an introduction. Our eyes locked and I felt an enormous surge of love and it took my breath away. I remember thinking that that single moment was worth my whole life.”
Francis and Eileen have been married now for 48 years and have two children and five grandchildren. Interestingly, many years later their son Martin, now a successful businessman, was sitting in a bar in Chicago when in walked three female flight attendants. “Time stood still,” he told me. “I turned to a colleague and said, ‘That’s my wife.’” He was right. Now, 24 years later, they have three beautiful teenage children.
EXERCISE: Who Are You? What Are You Like?
Take a few minutes to consider the following questions about how you see yourself, how you think others see you, and what qualities you consider important in others.
1. What five words would you use to describe yourself?
2. What five words do you think others would use to describe you?
3. Are the words similar? If not, why do you think there is a difference?
4. With the exception of commenting on your looks, what is the best compliment someone could give you?
5. What do you believe are the three most important qualities for a friend to have? A business partner? A romantic partner?
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who will complete you?
Imagine you had to spend the rest of your life in a rowboat. It’s a wide boat, so it takes two at the oars to keep the boat going forward. You and the other rower would need to agree on a direction, row at the same rhythm and speed, and be content to stay on your side of the boat—otherwise you’d go around in circles until you went nuts. Given all this, no doubt you’d be very selective about whom you chose for a partner.
That boat is a loving relationship, and not just anyone will do to help you row it. For starters you need to find someone headed the same way you are, someone whom you can get along with and who at the same time can fill you with enthusiasm when the effort of making the journey seems too hard. There will be plenty of give and take, plenty of times when you have to keep each other amused, endure some moaning and groaning, cheer each other up, calm each other down, keep each other safe, weather a storm, bask in the sunshine, make friends along the way, look out for each other, and make room for passengers. With so much riding on your choice, you’ll probably have to consider a few partners before you find the right one.
You are going to grow together as you row together, matching each other stroke for stroke (more or less) but from opposite sides of the boat. The partner you choose should be able to make the trip interesting, opening your eyes to new thoughts, ideas, and horizons as you go along. You need to find someone who understands you and complements you, someone who’s like you in some ways but different in others. You need to find your matched opposite and make him or her fall in love with you.
The Key to the Heart
Early on in my workshops I ask the participants, “So, how do you make someone fall in love with you?” The range of replies is as varied as the definitions of love we saw in the last chapter.
One twenty-something said, “You take her up a roller coaster to get her excited, then tell her you want to be her boyfriend.”
“Does it work?” I asked.
“No,” he said, “but I read somewhere that it’s supposed to.”
An attractive thirty-something young woman said, “I just don’t hold back. I make a move on the men I’m attracted to.”
“Does it work?”
“No,” she admitted. “I keep making a fool of myself.”
Another handsome, impeccably dressed young guy confessed, “Let her know how wealthy you are.”
“Does it work?”
“Sure,” he answered, “if you go for gold diggers.”
A dark-haired woman in her late twenties said, “I’m friendly and open, but all that happens is I end up making friends with lots of people like me.”
A good-looking guy with a strong Australian accent said, “I play hot and cold with them. All flowers and romance one day, then I don’t answer her calls for a week. Then all over her again like she is the only woman in the world.”
“Does it work?”
“Yes and no. Depends on what you call two screwed up marriages.”
The fact is, most of us are relatively clueless about how to find love, and as a result we go about looking in a pretty haphazard way. We’re so convinced that love is supposed to just happen—like it does in the movies—that we mostly rely on chance. But as in the rest of life, you have a much better chance of finding something when you know what you’re looking for.
The Principle of Completion
When we hear people in strong, fun-filled, productive, and lasting relationships say things like, “She makes me feel whole,” or, “We just feel right for each other,” they’re all getting at the same thing: Both partners bring to the relationship qualities the other lacks, and together they feel like more than the sum of their parts. These couples are telling us that they are complementary psychological opposites, and it’s this oppositeness that’s critical to the success of their relationships. Remember what Socrates said in the last chapter: “In our lover we seek and desire that which we do not have.”
Most friendships are based on the fact that we like people who are like us: Birds of a feather flock together. Obviously our friends aren’t our clones—we may differ from our buddies in many ways—but at the core usually we do share quite a lot in common, whether it’s values, hobbies, traditions, political beliefs, cultural backgrounds, or what have you. Generally, the more we have in common, the better we get along.
That same element of commonality is a requirement in romantic relationships. You see it all around you—outdoor types favor outdoor types, intellectuals choose intellectuals, the rich and famous hobnob with their own kind, and on and on. We find comfort in familiarity. The more you have in common with someone, the more comfortable and trusting you tend to feel. In the long run it’s far easier to coexist harmoniously with someone with whom you share beliefs and goals regarding money, achievement, child rearing, and the like. Hollywood’s depictions of millionaires marrying chambermaids and living happily ever after are romantic and fun to watch, but if it’s lasting love you’re after, it ain’t so easy.
Familiarity and friendship aren’t enough to sustain a romantic relationship. It takes something more.
Familiarity, friendship, and shared motivations aren’t enough to sustain a romantic relationship, though. It takes something more, a whole extra dimension, one that leads to expansion, growth, and vibrancy. That’s where the opposite comes in.
People with different personality and behavior traits complement each other. For example, if you are an impulsive, assertive type, you may do best with someone who is more laid-back, but who in turn is energized by your get-up-and-go. Let’s take a look at how it worked in one real-life situation.
Alan is a bright, good-looking human resources VP in his early thirties, whom I met at one of my workshops a couple of years back. He is ready to marry and start a family. He dated a string of stylish, good-looking women with great careers (one was a radio host, another managed a software company), but even though he was always enthusiastic at the start, the relationships seemed to fizzle out after a few months. Then Alan met Sarah. Sarah is pretty enough, Alan’s friends noted, but not like the knockouts he usually dated. Her job isn’t particularly glamorous or high-powered either; she’s the assistant manager for a local hotel.
And yet, Alan said, “Sarah made me feel special from the first time I met her. Her car broke down ahead of me at a busy intersection, and I got out to help her. She was really appreciative.” He laughed. “My other girlfriends would probably have told me to mind my own business, that they could deal with it themselves.”
Alan soon learned that no matter what he and Sarah were doing together, she made him feel energized and in charge in a subtle way, which was something he hadn’t felt with the other women he’d dated. They had professed love for him, but he’d always felt that on some level they were competing with him, even in trivial things. Something different was going on with Sarah, and he was falling in love more deeply than he ever had before. “It sounds odd, but it’s as if we were made for each other.”
“What is it about Sarah that makes her different from the rest?” I asked him.
He replied immediately, “She makes me feel motivated. Like I can take on the world and win.”
“What else?” I asked.
“Okay. Three words. She’s smart, she’s thoughtful,” he paused a moment, “and she’s classy.”
“Classy?”
“Yes. She always dresses nicely, and she’s got poise.”
I got to meet Sarah a month or so later when Alan invited Wendy and me out on his sailboat. We anchored in a bay and while the others prepared lunch, Sarah and I had a chance to chat.
“You two really hit it off,” I said.
“So far it’s looking good.”
I chuckled. “How come?”
“I think Alan’s amazing. He has loads of things going, yet he always has time for fun, for living life—like with this boat and sailing.”
“Is that what attracted you?”
“Well, I love that about him, but it wasn’t the first thing, actually. The day I met him, after he helped me with my car, I insisted on buying him a coffee to thank him, and we ended up talking for over an hour, about politics of all things, because there was an election going on at the time. And he really listened thoughtfully to what I had to say and asked good questions. And yes, he was good-looking and funny and all that, so you may not believe this, but I felt he took me seriously in a way other boyfriends hadn’t. And that’s what made me start to fall for him.”
Alan fulfilled a certain need in Sarah—he made her feel bright, right, savvy, and whole—and for her part Sarah made Alan feel motivated, alert, and strong. They were the answer to each other’s questions.
Mere Opposites
All our lives we’ve heard that opposites attract. But do they really? The short answer is, “Occasionally.” Sometimes we may find ourselves attracted to someone who seems nothing like us—they may be far younger or older, more free-spirited or responsible—but chances are it won’t be long before one or both of us decides to jump ship, leaving the other to row in circles again.
Often these relationships take place at a time of transition in our lives, a time when, for whatever reason, we may want to break out of our old patterns. For a while we may find delight in the contrast. Responsible types may get a thrill by edging up against the wild side, while dyed-in-the-wool bohemians may feel comforted by the straight and narrow. As the relationship develops, though, we often begin to see our mate’s differences as flaws that need fixing, and try to mold them into who we think they should be—which is usually someone more like us.
Know Yourself First
When most of us are asked what we’re looking for in a potential mate, we usually describe some of their attributes: “someone with a great sense of humor,” or “she’ll have a lot of energy and a spirit of adventure,” or even the classic “tall, dark, and handsome.” But we’d be better off if we focused not on the person we’re looking for but on ourselves—and in particular, on the way that ideal person would make us feel. As I said in the introduction, we don’t actually fall in love with a person; we fall in love with the feelings we get when we are with them. That’s what Al
an and Sarah were getting at. They each enjoy the feelings they get when they’re around each other—or, for that matter, when they even think about each other.
To figure out what it would take to make you feel complete, answer these two simple questions:
1. Do you consider yourself to be a more rational or more emotional person?
2. Would you describe yourself as socially outgoing or socially reserved?
Sarah answered rational and socially reserved to these questions, while Alan answered rational and socially outgoing. Peas in a pod on one side, they’re opposites on another: matched opposites.
The table on page 43 will help you gain insight into your own personality and help you figure out what type would best complement you. There are no right or wrong answers, so just use your instincts. Start by eliminating the quadrants that definitely don’t apply to you, then look at the remaining ones to see which is the best match to your personality. There may be one or two things in that quadrant that don’t apply, but let them go. Not everything will be a perfect fit. And remember, this is what you think about yourself, not what other people think about you. Just be honest. No one else is going to read it.
Emotional
For centuries, thinkers have broken personalities down into these four main types. Hippocrates, the father of modern medicine, referred to them as phlegmatic, choleric, melancholic, and sanguine, after the human body fluids he believed influenced personality traits. Groundbreaking psychiatrist Carl Jung called his four types thinkers, sensors, feelers, and intuitors. Whatever the names, the categories are remarkably similar. Today, many professional organizations that deal in sales, education, and motivation use more or less the same breakdown. The DISC system, for example—D for dominance (controller), I for influence (promoter), S for steadiness (supporter), and C for compliance (analyst)—has been used to profile the personalities of more than 50 million people over the last 30 years, and the McCarthy 4MAT system is widely used all over the world to teach how individuals, groups, and organizations learn and respond to information. Although these profiling systems vary somewhat and use different labels, the four personality types they identify are very similar.
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 3
