In general terms, each personality type has a key feeling that needs to be validated. Analysts need to feel intelligent, controllers like to feel powerful, promoters do best when they feel important, and supporters like to feel valued. And in talking with people in long-term, vibrant relationships about how their matched opposites completed them, it was these feelings that came up again and again. “I feel like the cleverest guy in the world when I’m with her,” an analyst would tell me. A controller might say, “He makes me feel strong.” A supporter would tell me, “She makes me feel needed.” And a promoter would say, “She makes me feel like I’m really important.” What’s more, when asked about previous relationships that hadn’t worked out, people readily saw the lack of these key feelings as the cause.
The Language of Love
When asked, “How does the one you love make you feel?” obviously not everybody used the words intelligent, powerful, valued, or important. But the vast majority of respondents did convey these feelings in various ways. Some of the words they used are in the table on page 46. It boils down to the need to feel intelligent, to feel powerful, to feel valued, and to feel important. Sure, most of us need to feel all of these things or combinations of them at one time or another, but socially, one always overrides the rest. Analysts are rational thinkers and socially reserved. They are more interested in getting things right than in getting them done. They make rational, logical decisions, abhor being wrong, and in public need to be thought of as intelligent. Controllers are rational thinkers and socially outgoing, and they’re happiest when they feel powerful. They get things done, but they’ve probably been called “bossy” or “controlling” at some point in their lives. Controllers need to be thought of publicly as powerful.
Someone who is an emotional thinker and socially reserved is likely a supporter. He or she likes to be valued by others for his or her caring, support, and reliability. Someone who’s an emotional thinker and socially outgoing, on the other hand, is likely a promoter, a persuasive social butterfly who loves to be the center of attention. It’s important for him or her to feel important.
Intelligent
Sensible
Clever
Shrewd
Correct
Insightful
Wise
Taken Seriously
Perfect
Powerful
Courageous
Confident
Motivated
Strong
Like a champion
Self-propelled
Valued
Self and secure
Cherished
Indispensable
Useful
Part of something
Lovable
Peaceful
Precious
Interesting
Important
Like a hero
A highflier
Famous
Persuasive
Expressive
Popular
Influential
Optimistic
Given that they’re matched in the ways that are important to them (interests, values, religion, etc.), people who belong in opposing quadrants have a better chance of forming a lasting bond than people who fit into the same quadrant. Imagine two power-seekers rowing the same boat, both jockeying for the dominant position, both wanting to set the course, pace, and rhythm. Imagine how far two importance-seekers will get as they vie for attention. Or how about two intelligence-seekers setting off on their cruise, criticizing each other’s decisions and putting each other down so they’ll feel smarter (or, conversely, living in constant fear that they’ll appear stupid compared to their mate). Or how about two value-seekers looking to each other for support and just rowing along, preferring to agree to anything the other says and procrastinate, rather than rock the boat.
Better to pair a promoter with an analyst and have a fun-filled and well-planned trip, with one partner willingly embracing the other’s need to feel smart. Or pair a controller with a supporter and have a confident captain and a willing crew. Or put a supporter with a promoter and have a floating fun palace. You get the idea. One plus one still equals two, but when those two are matched opposites, the possibilities seem infinite.
If you’ve already stepped on your partner’s key feelings, use your understanding of what makes him or her tick to repair the situation. Reassure your analyst that she’s intelligent and you respect her ideas, make sure your supporter feels valued, and so on. And in the future, be sure to treat your partner’s key feelings with care.
The Second Time Around
I’ve known Michael since he was a 14-year-old schoolboy and have seen him sporadically over the years. Today he is the CEO of a textile company with more than 450 employees. Michael and I were having lunch one day when his friend Brian dropped by our table to say hello. We invited him to join us, and during the course of the conversation I learned that Brian is happily married to Virginia, Michael’s ex-wife. What’s more, Brian and Virginia have custody of Michael’s children. Michael has been happily remarried for 12 years to a woman named Kim.
The two guys have a terrific attitude about the situation and were happy to discuss it with me. I began by asking them how they felt about the statement I introduced earlier: We don’t fall in love with other people; we fall in love with the feelings we get when we are with them. They both agreed it made sense.
I then asked Michael to complete this sentence: “More than anything, Kim makes me feel______.” “That’s easy,” he replied, “unstoppable.” I asked him, “Did Virginia ever made you feel unstoppable?” He chuckled. “No way.”
I asked Brian to answer the same question regarding Virginia. It didn’t take him long to say, “The word that comes to mind is ‘sensible.’”
I followed up by asking Michael if Virginia ever made him feel sensible. “Actually, she made me feel a bit insecure, if you must know.”
At the time, I was putting the finishing touches on the self-assessments at the end of this chapter and asked Michael and Brian to have a go at them right there in the restaurant, over dessert and coffee. Michael was first to finish: “Nothing to it.” He shoved his results over for me to see. As I suspected, he is a controller. Brian took a lot longer and quibbled with me about details and about it not being perfect. Michael laughed and leaned toward him, saying, “I’ve got you figured: You’re an analyst.” Brian laughed, “Yeah, you’re probably right.”
I asked whether they’d mind if Virginia and Kim filled in the assessment too—without their interfering. A few days later they e-mailed me the results. Virginia is a controller and Kim is a supporter.
All four of these people are matched socially, culturally, intellectually, and even physically, but Virginia and Michael’s marriage hadn’t worked out because they are both controllers. Virginia’s second marriage, to Brian, and Michael’s, to Kim, are successful because they’ve both found their complementary psychological opposites.
Try It for Yourself
Put these findings to the test. Let’s say you are a promoter and are supposed to feel most alive with someone who makes you feel important. Look back over your life and relationships with other people—and not just people you’ve been involved with romantically but also friends, coworkers, etc. Were the people with whom you felt at your best also the ones who made you feel important?
Mental Minefields
The quickest way to blast a hole in a relationship (especially if it turns out you aren’t matched opposites) and to bring out the worst in your partner is to trample on his or her key feelings. These feelings drive their behavior and sense of self, and over time, damaging them can have serious consequences.
For example, controllers thrive when they feel they are keeping things in line and that all systems are working smoothly. Avoid making your controller feel as if he is losing control or he could become a bully. You could eventually drive him to look elsewhere to reestablish his sense of power.
Likewise, i
f you habitually embarrass or humiliate your analyst, she may become a nag or a complainer and there may be no returning to how things were. In the long term, you run the risk that she will leave and look for respect from someone else.
You can do many things to your promoter, but if you ignore or disapprove of him too many times, he will explode and then sulk. He may be forced to go looking for appreciation and importance elsewhere.
A supporter will put up with a lot, but if you constantly reject her feelings, she’ll curl up in a ball inside and only after a very long time—if ever—will she trust you again. Eventually she’ll go off in search of understanding, value, and acceptance in someone else’s arms.
Mutual Enthusiasm
Many relationships begin solely as a result of exterior perceptions: We see someone who looks good to us and we try to build from there. But as in any other kind of construction, you need a solid, balanced foundation to make it last. As you go through this chapter and complete the self-assessment survey that follows, you’ll discover what kind of person you are, what feelings make you come alive in love, and what kind of person is most likely to be your matched opposite. But love is all about mutual enthusiasm: Things just click when you are with the right person, and they double click when it’s happening for both of you. In the end, the goal is to free you from trying to make things work, from trying to shoehorn yourself into incompatible relationships, and to find a match who completes you as much as you complete him or her.
Good relationships come easily. Start to notice what kind of people you’re most comfortable with. I can’t tell you how many times people have said, “What I like about so-and-so is that I don’t have to work at it.” It’s a terrific clue to a good relationship. Be on the lookout for people with whom the talk and the connecting come easily. If things don’t click for both of you, don’t blame or criticize yourself for failing. Be gracious if you are the one to decide it isn’t working for you, then move on. If the other person is the one to say, “You’re great, but I don’t think you’re the one for me,” believe them—and let go. Trying to change yourself into what you think that person wants won’t work. You just can’t force love.
EXERCISE: Self-Assessment Exercises
The key to finding your matched opposite lies in knowing what makes you tick and what it takes to make you feel complete. These quick self-assessments can help you gain that understanding.
What Kind of Person Am I, Part 1
Quickly read each statement and complete it with the phrase that best describes you. Have fun with this and go with your first thoughts, since they’re probably the most accurate.
1. You are having a problem with your neighbor. You:
A. Systematically consider each part of the problem and analyze potential solutions before you meet with the neighbor.
B. Quickly come to a decision about how to solve it and then confront your neighbor.
C. Talk with friends about the problem first and then talk with your neighbor to get his side of the story.
D. Catch your neighbor when you see him outside and make a joke about what’s been bothering you. Then, tell him in an offhand way how you might solve the problem.
2. You get a new job and need to move. When looking for a home to buy, you:
A. Do your own research via the Internet and the local newspaper. You determine the monthly payment you can afford before you go out with a realtor. You see a lot of homes and, before making an offer on one, you research the neighborhood carefully.
B. Contact a realtor and look at properties a couple times a week until you find one you like. If you get satisfactory answers to all your questions, you make an offer on the spot.
C. Look at houses until you find one you like. It takes a few months but your patience pays off. Before making an offer, take a close friend or family member to see the home a second or third time.
D. Ask around to find out where the “happening” areas are. Seek a realtor you can connect with, since you’re going to be together a lot. Tell the realtor you only want to look in the “hot” areas.
3. You most enjoy being:
A. Right
B. In control
C. Accepted
D. Admired
4. Above all you try to avoid:
A. Being embarrassed
B. Losing control
C. Rejection
D. Being ignored
5. You feel best when you’re around someone who supports:
A. Your thoughts
B. Your goals
C. Your feelings
D. Your ideas
6. You would describe the way you dress as:
A. Conservative
B. Functional
C. Casual
D. Stylish
7. You most dislike:
A. Unpredictability
B. Indecision
C. Insensitivity
D. Routine
8. When you make decisions they are generally:
A. Planned
B. Decisive
C. Carefully considered
D. Spontaneous
9. The word that best describes you is:
A. Perfect
B. Enterprising
C. Reliable
D. Enthusiastic
10. You feel best when you’re with someone who makes you feel:
A. Intelligent
B. Powerful
C. Valued
D. Important
What Kind of Person Am I, Part 2
Check all that apply. In a romantic relationship, you feel best about yourself and your relationship when your partner makes you feel:
A
Sensible
Clever
Shrewd
Correct
Insightful
Wise
Like you’re taken seriously
Perfect
B
Courageous
Confident
Motivated
Strong
Like champion
Self-propelled
Like a highflier
C
Safe and secure
Cherished
Indispensable
Useful
Part of something
Steady
Lovable
Peaceful
D
Impulsive
Famous
Persuasive
Expressive
Spirited
Popular
Influential
Optimistic
Self-Assessment Scoring
Count up the number of times you answered A, B, C, and D in Part 1, then the number of words you circled from columns A, B, C, and D in Part 2. Add them together and record the totals on the next page.
A ______
B ______
C ______
D ______
If you answered mostly:
A. You are rational, task oriented, introspective, and socially less outgoing—an analyst.
B. You are rational, task oriented, and more socially outgoing—a controller.
C. You are emotional, people oriented, introspective, and socially less outgoing—a supporter.
D. You are emotional, people oriented, and socially more outgoing—a promoter.
What Kind of Person Will Complete Me?
Your personality type provides insight about your key needs and matched opposite.
Analyst
Needs to feel intelligent*
Controller
Needs to feel powerful*
Supporter
Needs to feel valued*
Promoter
Needs to feel important*
*Or any variations from the A, B, C, and D columns on page 55.
Look for someone who is a different personality type from yours, who matches you in many ways—values, outlook, goals—but who will complement your temperament and will validate your emotional needs.
How Can You Find Something If You Don
’t Know What You’re Looking for?
In the movie Bridget Jones’s Diary, Bridget found herself caught between two men: one who was too good to be true, and another who was so wrong, he ended up being right. She discovered the hard way that, had she chosen to spend the rest of her life with Daniel Cleaver, it would have been a recipe for heartbreak and disaster, whereas spending it with Mark Darcy was a recipe for love and romance. If you looked closely, you’d see that, apart from wanting to party, she and Daniel Cleaver had very little in common in their values. He was a scoundrel and a cheat; she was honest and open. With Mark Darcy it was a different story. They were both honest and principled, even though they had very different personalities. Him, reserved and logical, her, outgoing and emotional. They were Matched Opposites.
Bridget Jones’s Diary was a Hollywood exception, though. For the most part, the movies have us convinced that all we need is to fall crazily in love and we’ll live happily ever after. The movies are full of ridiculously mismatched couples falling passionately in love and driving off into the sunset to spend the rest of their lives together. The ruthless millionaire and the misunderstood hooker in Pretty Woman make a great story, but in real life it just doesn’t work that way. They’d be strangling each other before the month was over.
If you truly want to improve your chances of finding someone who’ll love you at least as much as you’ll love him or her, complete the matched opposite checklist on page 62. It’ll help you pinpoint your values and motivations, the areas in which you need to be matched and those areas in which you’re better off as opposites: your personality and behavior styles. Finally, you’ll list your “deal breakers,” the things you could never put up with, no matter what. For example, if you don’t like guys with beards, perhaps you could persuade your matched opposite to shave it off, but if you can’t abide silly humor and your guy is a perpetual jokester, watch out. You don’t need grim reality checks once the initial thrill has settled down.
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 4
