Your Matched Opposite Checklist
I was recently approached by a woman after a speaking engagement in Houston. She said, “I don’t know what to do. I’m thirty-six and I’ll never get married.”
I thought she was joking. She was serious.
I asked if she wanted to get married. She said. “Yes, of course.”
“Well, what’s the problem?”
“My mother used to say when I was growing up, “If you’re not married by the time you’re thirty-six you’ll be single forever. I think she was right. At least for me.”
This otherwise super-successful woman had jinxed herself into falling for her mother’s nonsense.
Well-meaning (and not so well-meaning) people exert a huge influence over our thinking and behavior. The purpose of your checklist is to cut through the fantasy you’ve accumulated and get real. This is your list. Not your mother’s or your best friend’s, not something you read about in a magazine, or saw at the movies. It’s yours. It has to come from your heart and your head, not anybody else’s.
Your list covers four areas:
• Basic instincts,
• Ways you’ll be matched,
• Ways you’ll be opposite, and
• “Deal breakers”
The first question is about trust. All relationships are built on trust. Nothing can determine trust like you and your basic instincts. Your brain is programmed to make “instinctive appraisals” about your overall safety. Friend or foe? Opportunity or threat? Charming or alarming? This question can only be asked and answered when you’re actually connecting, so leave it for now.
The next four questions cover shared values and motivations. Great romantic relationships are based on friendship, and the bottom line in friendship is that people like people like themselves. This is the “matched” part of matched opposites: the “like attracts like” part. If you don’t share values and motivations, you won’t respect each other and stay companions for long. Check off what’s important to you—these are the things that you’ll need to look for in any prospective romantic partner.
Question #6 should be filled in with your answers from page 56. This is the “opposites attract” part: the contrasts in your personality and behavior traits that keep love sparkling and fresh. This is what you’re looking for in your future partner-to-be.
Finally, the last section helps you identify your deal-breakers. Using the suggestions below as a guide, come up with your own list of things that you simply couldn’t live with. In our research, about half the participants had deal breakers. One woman didn’t want a guy with a small head or hands. One of the men didn’t want a woman with a low hairline. Plenty didn’t want someone without a sense of humor. Little things can mean a lot.
So, let’s get started.
Be honest and realistic when you compile your checklist. Resist the temptation to kid yourself and make compromises. Use it when it’s crunch time, as Lori did in the story on page 60.
Finding out who you are and what you need in a partner puts you in the right frame of mind to find your matched opposite, but being informed and willing is only half the game. Pretty soon you’re going to have to socialize—to get out there and have some fun. If it doesn’t come easily to you, I’m going to help you with that. I’ll help you figure out where to look and how to connect. And frankly, as homework goes, I’d say this is about as good as it gets!
Recipe for Love
How many times are we attracted to the wrong person? Over and over, we fall for the same type and think things will turn out differently next time. Lori’s story appeared on Amazon.com as a review shortly after the hardcover edition of this book was published:
I was 39 years old when I read this book. I had never been married, and had been single for several years. By my 40th birthday, I had met the man of my dreams on the Internet and was sporting a beautiful two-carat diamond engagement ring! I used the tools in this book to find my best friend, soul mate, partner.
—Lori
Lori and Keith have now been blissfully married for four years. But this was a dream that almost didn’t come true. Lori wasn’t sure at all about Keith at the start. “He seemed too reserved for me, and wasn’t much of a dresser, whereas I like a guy to look spiffy,” she told me. “I was used to being dazzled, wined and dined by men. Keith preferred to invite me over for a homemade dinner and a DVD. I worried that I wouldn’t have any excitement with him. … I was just about to move on when I went back and looked at my matched opposite checklist. Keith met almost every one of the requirements. Thank goodness I chose to hang on to him.”
Using her matched opposite checklist as a guide, Lori broke out of her cycle of “spiffy” bad boys and found a strong, sensitive, articulate lover and companion that she’d never have given a second look before.
EXERCISE: Matched Opposite Checklist
3
getting out there
Already I can hear you thinking, “Okay, fine, I understand the theory, but how do I find this person who completes me and whom I complete? Even if I knew exactly what I wanted, it’s not as though I can just push a button and download one.”
True enough—there’s no shortcut to locating your soul mate. I can help you make your matched opposite fall in love with you quickly, but you have to meet him or her before the magic can work. You’ve got to get out there. I know this advice is as old as the hills, but like any selection process, love is a numbers game: The more people you meet, the more chance you have of finding one who’s right for you in the long term.
Of course, you have the right to remain silent and do nothing, but it won’t get you very far. There’s a well-worn adage in business that goes, “No calls, no interest, no sales.” And sooner or later you end up with no money and no job! The same thing applies to the search for love. You have to take action, and I’m not talking about grabbing a drink with your best friends or popping into a club occasionally; I mean making a concerted effort to mingle with people whose interests, values, and beliefs match yours. If getting out there doesn’t come easily to you, or if what you’ve been doing hasn’t brought the results you want, perhaps it’s time to create a socializing action plan that will bring more activity, variety, and new people into your life.
The Art of Socializing
Our culture spends half its time typing messages, talking on cell phones, staring at screens of one sort or another, or sitting behind the wheel of a car. Our great-grandparents didn’t live this way; they had face-to-face conversations, told stories, eavesdropped, gossiped, wrote letters, and even went walking just for fun, not exercise. Our society is forgetting the art of socializing. We’ve come to believe that we live to work rather than work to live, and we no longer set aside time to meet new people.
This is a real shame because the human race has evolved in large part from our drive to seek out the company of others and share our experiences and adventures. It’s how we make sense of our world and add spice to our lives—raving about a new restaurant, telling tales of our youth or the day before yesterday, discussing politics and the arts, or mulling over current affairs. Over the years socializing has changed, in large part thanks to advances in science and technology. Once upon a time we congregated face-to-face in pubs, clubs, and churches, at festivals or outings, and by inviting people into our homes. More and more, this face-to-face contact has been supplanted by leaving, retrieving, and responding to messages.
The only way to bring vitality back into our lives is by going out and interacting with other people. So, over the next few weeks, I want you to focus on improving your social skills and cultivating friendships both new and old.
Get Social
The best way to begin to meet new people is through the people you already know—your friends, family, and colleagues. Again, I realize this is not earth-shattering knowledge, but sometimes the obvious bears repeating. Starting close to home ups your chances of meeting people who share your social values. Let your friends know y
ou want to meet people. Sure, you think they already know, but have you told them outright? If not, make sure you do.
This is a time in your life to make socializing a priority, turn it into a habit, and get good at it. Agree to set aside just one day a week for the next year to get involved with the people you already know, those you only know vaguely, and some you have yet to meet. Ask an acquaintance out for coffee or entertain friends at home. Join a community club or a volunteer organization. Invite friends to a sporting event, park, museum, book club, concert, or festival, and suggest they bring friends too. The number of people you know will increase dramatically, along with your pool of potential partners. You’ll probably even have fun while you’re at it. Make some plans right now, and then follow through with them. You’ll be surprised at the results.
Two Simple Rules
George lost his wife Nancy to illness when he was 55. They’d been best friends, and although they’d also had a few other close friends, they spent much of their time together. As the months went by after Nancy’s passing, George became quite lonely. Then he attended one of my talks and heard me give my two simple rules for meeting people: Entertain once a week without fail, and accept all invitations.
George contacted me through a friend and told me this story: “The same night I heard you talk, I bumped into a young woman I’d met a couple of times. Her name’s Michelle; she’s the daughter of one of Nancy’s friends. She inquired how I was doing, then told me she was helping to put on a weekend jazz festival and asked if I’d like to attend. She told me Main Street would be closed off, and there’d be lots of people there of all ages, and if I turned up she and her husband would look out for me. I thanked her. I was truly moved, but no way was I going to go. She was probably half my age and it just seemed too odd. Then, on the way home, I started thinking about what you’d said, and the first thing that came into my head was the bit about entertaining and accepting all invitations. I had this flash; it seemed so obvious. ‘Why not?’ I thought. ‘I just got an invitation.’ That’s when it all began.”
Two simple rules for meeting people: Entertain once a week without fail, and accept all invitations.
Over the next few days George called a couple of friends and invited them to join him, and that weekend they all met up and went to the festival. “I actually enjoyed myself. We bumped into Michelle and her husband, Rick. It was a warm night, the music was pretty good, and heck, there’s a world out there.”
George made up his mind to entertain once a week no matter what, at first inviting friends, family, and colleagues, and encouraging them to bring a friend or two—the more the merrier. At first he was a bit concerned because he was a truly terrible cook, but as he told me later, this turned out to be the best thing he had going for him. “Word got out,” he laughed. “So, when I’d invite people over for dinner, they’d ask if they could help—which meant the party started in my kitchen and just got better from there. Or people would ask me to come over to their place instead. So I’d end up meeting all their friends.”
George stuck to the advice he’d heard in my lecture—both parts. He accepted all invitations within reason—but reason included quilting exhibitions as well as golf tournaments—and entertained once a week. A little more than two years after Nancy passed away, George remarried. “I definitely never set out with this in mind,” he stressed. “It’s just that I got to know so many people that my whole life changed.”
Daisy, in her early twenties, is another case in point. I’ll never forget the first words she spoke when she introduced herself at one of my workshops several years ago: “I’m so used to jerks I can’t even recognize the nice guys anymore.” Ever since childhood, Daisy explained, she had been uncomfortable being on her own. “I’d cling on to just about anyone for company rather than be alone. I’ve had my share of heartbreak.”
She shared a house with three other people, a guitarist who was away on tour most of the time, the guitarist’s girlfriend, and a young philosophy student who was in year two of an affair with a married professor. They all had their separate spaces in the house, but nevertheless it wasn’t the sort of environment that lent itself to leisurely entertaining.
Perhaps because of her fear of being alone, Daisy embraced the idea of creating a socializing action plan. It took some creative thinking at first, because she had to find a way to do it that didn’t depend too heavily on bringing people over to her place, but before long she had become a sort of social facilitator. “One day I might phone some friends or acquaintances and suggest we go to a movie,” she explained. “I’d pick up the tickets ahead of time so we could meet and have a coffee before the movie.” Another day she’d phone a different group and suggest they meet up at an art opening or local fair. Yet another day she’d pull together a group to go bowling, or to hear an author speak at a bookstore. She ended up knowing dozens and dozens of people and had no trouble getting dates. As she got a better grasp of the principle of completion (see chapter 2) she learned to reject the jerks and focus in on the good guys, and after a while she met and married her Prince Charming. Today Daisy is the wife of a diplomat in the Foreign Service—and entertaining in style.
So here you have it, two simple rules:
1. Arrange dinner or an outing once a week, and encourage your guests to bring new people.
2. Accept all reasonable invitations.
It doesn’t have to be elaborate: “Hey, I’m having some friends over for potluck on Friday night. Why don’t you come and bring a friend? I want to meet new people.” Or, “There’s a gang of us going to the movies on Tuesday. Want to come along? And feel free to bring a friend; I want to meet new people.” There’s the key phrase: I want to meet new people.
Get Involved
If you don’t naturally meet a lot of new people, and you feel you’ve tapped your friends enough, find other ways to get involved. The more activities you participate in and the more places you visit, the sooner you’ll get to meet the person who’s out there searching for you. Take courses, volunteer, join a committee, go to exhibitions, walk someone’s dog, learn to cook, take tango lessons, visit art galleries, go to pet shows, take up roller-skating, attend weddings and christenings, funerals, and other events.
Don’t stop there. Get a fun part-time job, give dinner parties, start a book club, attend night school, ride a horse, take sewing lessons, study Chinese, learn spot welding. Not only will these activities make you a more interesting, vital person, but they’ll also enlarge your circle of acquaintances.
Yes, But …
I know. I hear some of you protesting already: I have no time, I’m not gregarious, I need to be pushed, there’s no one out there. What you’re really saying is, “I’m better at dreaming up excuses than I am at getting on with it.” You’ll have to overcome your own mental obstacles, and here’s how to do it, step by step.
1. “But I’m shy.”
It’s said that most people’s biggest fear is public speaking—standing up in front of a group of fresh faces and delivering your ideas—and that this fear holds millions of people back from advancement in their careers. But if you ask people who’ve gotten past this fear for their secret, nine times out of ten they’ll tell you all it took was practice. The same applies to connecting with fresh faces in your private life. Start small and safe and grow from there.
Socially reserved people frequently look at socially out going types and think, Why can’t I do that? Why can’t I just walk up to a group of people and start talking? I’ll tell you why: Because it’s not in your temperament. I’m socially outgoing, and my style is to flit from person to person and chat with them. My wife, Wendy, is initially socially reserved: Her style is to socialize with one person at a time. She’s much happier spending an evening talking to two or three people in depth than moving from person to person at a big cocktail party. If you have learned to label yourself as shy, then my advice is to make friends one at a time—and change your self-label to something less limi
ting, like “cautious” or “reserved.”
One way to meet people in a relaxed atmosphere is to take a course where people interact naturally. Choose a class where you participate rather than sit back and listen to a lecturer—something like cooking, wine tasting, or learning a foreign language should do the trick. You can also get involved in your community as a volunteer, which is an especially good method if you’re new in town. Here’s another place where the Internet comes in handy: Just type the name of your town or area, your state, and the word volunteer into a search engine, and see what comes up—it’s almost guaranteed you’ll find dozens of sites offering specific advice. Volunteermatch.org is one of the best, providing information on local volunteer opportunities throughout the United States.
Choose a class where you participate rather than sit back and listen to a lecturer.
It’s not easy to overcome your hesitations and push yourself out into the world, but when you do, you’ll discover the rewards are great. Take the story of Omar and Fatima, who met one night at a face-to-face networking party organized by an online dating site—but not before both of them got their negative self-talk under control.
“I would read everybody’s comments about the parties on the forums and tell them I was probably going to go,” Omar confessed. “Then, I’d back out at the last minute. I’d get cold feet, and talk myself out of it. It was like I’d reach this wall and I couldn’t get past it so I’d start making up excuses to myself. It went on for months. It was crazy because I’m really an outgoing guy. Then one day, I said to myself, ‘This is not going to be another Friday night where I wake up tomorrow and go online and read about another great time everybody had, and chat with people I haven’t even met because I wasn’t there. I’ve had enough. I don’t want to sit at home another night alone. I can’t take it anymore. Next time, I’m going.”
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 5
