When reading others’ profiles (and their e-mails, if you start to correspond), imagine you’re reading their résumé. Does anything read strangely? Any mysterious gaps? Does anything give you a funny feeling about the person? If something doesn’t feel right, whether it is because of the way an e-mail is written or something you sense later during your first date, trust your gut.
Also trust yourself if something does feel right. In Keira’s first letter to Jared, she asked him why he wasn’t married yet. “Her e-mail could have put most guys on the defensive,” he told me, “but I appreciated her directness—that she expressed her concerns. … I had taken the fact that she responded right away as something positive, so I wasn’t thrown off by her e-mail directness.”
Make a date as soon as you decide you might like someone (after three to five good e-mails). Often, people will e-mail for weeks before one of them suggests a face-to-face meeting, and during that time each can build up a mental image of the other that bears no resemblance to the real person. A person’s appearance, body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice are crucial components of attraction, and if that chemistry isn’t there, it won’t matter how well your tastes in movies and books match. So when you meet someone online and feel a twinge of attraction, act. Ask the person for a drink or coffee, or to something more special if you’ve developed a particularly good connection.
As in the real world, the more you put yourself out there, the more your odds of meeting people improve—but don’t fall into window-shopper syndrome. When you do a search and discover 800 possible matches, it’s very easy to start “collecting” people in your favorites folder and then end up never writing to any of them. And before you know it, you’re on your way to becoming a Junkie or a Disappearing Act!
Remember, not everyone you write to will write back, just as you probably won’t respond to everyone who writes to you, but do try to respond to most people. It’s not just good manners, it’s good sense. Many online dating services show your response percentages. If they are low, it speaks volumes about your personality and it’s a turn-off. However, don’t feel bad about not replying if a note is generic or weird or sent by a married guy with five children in a distant land. If someone writes a sweet personal note but you’re not interested, a polite “Thanks for writing, but sorry, we’re not well-suited” is an appropriate response.
If you aren’t meeting people you like, take stock of the situation and consider trying a different site. But before you jump ship, recheck your profile. Does your copy and your photo show your best self?
Whether you’re connecting online or in person, honesty is always the best policy. This doesn’t mean you should spill all about your really messy divorce, your Uncle George’s drinking habit, or your recent colonos-copy on your first date. Rather, don’t try to be someone you’re not. We all know people exaggerate when they are trying to impress. Exaggerating: OK. Embroidering: OK. Lying: not OK.
What’s Wrong with Mr. Perfect?
An editor at Esquire magazine asked me why a certain reader’s profile wasn’t getting the desired results. On the surface this 39-year-old, good looking guy with a great life/job/future seemed like Mr. Perfect.
I gathered eight women aged 23 to 35 (his desired range) and gave them his profile and two others of men around Mr. Perfect’s age (the two others were added to the mix so the women didn’t know what I was up to). I asked them to write down their first impressions on all three. Mr. Perfect didn’t fare well. Here’s what the women said:
“He’s arrogant and trying to portray himself as if he’s not.” “Picky.” “Pathetic.” “Trying to be a hero.” “Too much pressure.” “If you want a hoity-toity chick just say so.” Four of them said, “Cocky.” And when one said, “High-school jock,” they all cheered. Why was Mr. Perfect coming across as alarming rather than charming?
What was he doing wrong? Lots. His profile featured an obnoxious username (perfect4U) and hook (“You may think you’re one in a million, but in this world that means there are 6,000 people just like you”), an intimidating list of his abilities and brilliance (hotshot executive career, handyman supremo, adored by animals, every sport you can think of, exercise five times a week, etc.), and a tyrannical list of demands on his date (bold, assertive, brainiac, Bachelor’s or PhD, skinny-dipper, non-smoker, sarcastic, and on and on).
If you look at each of these components individually, none is unreasonable. In Mr. Perfect’s favor, he certainly knew what he wanted. It was the bigger picture that was torpedoing him. He may have been a great catch but he took himself too seriously and most important, he showed no weaknesses, no poking fun at himself. Mr. Perfect needed a springboard. If he’d just said something like “I know I sometimes come across as a bit arrogant or pushy, but deep down I’m just a real softie who’s excited about life,” he’d have shown his human side. That’s the side people want to connect with.
The Pros and Cons of Internet Dating
Advantages
• The process is easier than going to a party hoping to meet someone. You’re not emotionally invested at the outset, just interested, and you can filter for a number of attributes (non-smoker, sports-minded, church-going, etc.) rather than rely on chance, as you do at a social gathering.
• There’s no question that everyone on the site is looking to meet someone, so there’s none of the awkwardness and uncertainty you have in some social situations, where a person’s relationship status or even sexual orientation may not be obvious.
• You can think about all the things you would like to know about your potential mate from their profile and come up with a list of questions to help start your conversations.
• By reading people’s profiles closely, you can often quickly weed out people whose interests, age, values, religion, or whatever else doesn’t appeal to you. Ditto when posting your own profile: Describing yourself honestly and being clear about your values and interests make it more likely that someone compatible will write to you.
• Typically, a photo—or even multiple photos—will accompany a person’s profile. The eyes truly are the windows to the soul, and being able to pair a face with the words in the profile definitely helps give you a clearer idea of the person you’re addressing.
• The initial anonymity of the Net empowers shy people to “approach” people and make moves that they never would in person.
• You can connect with people you wouldn’t otherwise meet because your social and/or business circles don’t intersect.
Disadvantages
• You can get hung up on Internet flirting: It’s addictive, it’s easy and it’s a short-term remedy for loneliness or boredom. But it’s essentially blind. Our instincts about a person are based not just on what ideas they want to communicate, but also on appearance (beyond a photo), body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice—all subtleties that are lost when communicating via computer, no matter how many emoticons you use. Unless you get beyond the e-mail stage, the Internet will do you no good at all.
• Internet dating is limiting in that you’ll only be meeting folks who spend time online, which, especially if you’re older, could exclude a whole raft of people.
• Just as in real life, some people who are up to no good frequent online dating sites. Here’s a true cautionary tale: A woman I know—let’s call her Sandra—met a man online. They e-mailed and visited a few times over two years, and Sandra really thought she knew him—that he was the man of her dreams. She quit her job to marry him, moving two states away to live with him. What she discovered the hard way was that he was a gold digger and massively in debt. They are divorcing after 18 months of marriage. “He cleaned out my bank account! So much for love. Only one week after I filed for divorce, he’s back online searching for some other sucker!”
The Big Event: Meeting
No matter how many responses you get to your ad, no matter how many ads you respond to, and no matter how finely you tune your selection process,
it still comes down to those first few minutes when you meet a new person face-to-face and make your initial impressions. This whole book is about maximizing the first 90 minutes of a relationship, so read through it before you go on any dates. You’ll learn about using body language to build trust, asking open questions to find common ground, and creating intimacy through self-disclosure and incidental touch.
That said, there are a few things that pertain specifically to first dates with people you meet online.
You’re meeting a stranger, so choose a public place and make it for coffee or a drink—something that doesn’t require a lot of time, but can be extended if you’re having fun. Tell a friend where and when you are meeting up and practice discretion—don’t reveal your full name, home phone number, or address until you really trust the person.
Think in advance about what you hope to learn from the person, and come up with some questions to ask him or her. This will help you determine if you’re compatible and also can help with awkward pauses in conversation.
Do your best not to let your expectations—positive or negative—get in the way. If you’ve had a great email exchange, you may have built your date up quite a bit in your mind, making it easy to be disappointed. On the other hand, if you’re unsure about the person (and maybe meeting just to be nice or open-minded) you may be ready to write him or her off too quickly. Set your expectations aside (easier said than done, I know) and meet the person on their own terms.
You’re meeting a stranger, so choose a public place and make it for coffee or a drink
Doing the Dance
There are going to be awkward moments. For starters, you might not even recognize each other. Give them a visual clue. Tell him or her what you’ll be wearing, or bring a “prop”: a certain book or magazine, a yellow rose, your cousin Vinnie’s red Ducati—your choice. A prop is great because it’ll give you something to talk about in those clumsy opening seconds, too. Take it calmly. Take it slow. And most of all, be yourself.
Read the sections on small talk and play talk (page 270) again before you go. Keep it light, and avoid anything deep or sexual. Also, stay positive. Don’t gossip or bad-mouth anyone. Keep it genuine—don’t say anything that’s clichéd or seems rehearsed.
Look for common ground by picking up on pointers and free information (see chapter 8: Conversation and Chemistry). Expand on what you already know about each other. Ask questions about what he or she likes to do in their spare time. Find out what music, movies, and TV shows he or she likes. That’s why it pays off handsomely to keep abreast of current affairs and pop culture. Compliment (only if you mean it) something they’re wearing or an accessory. Ask where it came from. Small talk is about being observant.
Remember the importance of eye contact and a smile (but don’t overdo it or you’ll scare your date). Use open body language (page 166) and synchronize (page 219). Wear clothes that make you feel great about the way you look. Make sure your date does at least half of the talking. Remember to shut up and listen. Listen with your eyes and your ears.
Be ready for surprises. One man discovered his date was six months pregnant, something she hadn’t ever mentioned before. A woman had her date turn up with his eight-year-old daughter. Another woman’s date said, “I was expecting someone a little younger.” Then there was the guy who used a coupon to pay for dinner, the one who flirted with the waitress instead of his date, a woman who only talked about herself, a guy who repeatedly broke wind, a woman who dressed 20 years younger than she really was, another who coughed without covering her mouth, a guy who couldn’t stop touching his date, one who picked his teeth, a woman who spent half the date talking about how much money her ex makes, the guy who made a call on his cell phone in the middle of dinner at a restaurant then, still talking, got up from the table and stood in front of a mirror preening and admiring himself—and talking really loudly. (These are some of the reasons why having dinner on a first date is a bad idea. See the box on page 257 for ideas on where to go on a first date.)
Commit yourself to online dating for at least six months.
If you feel a connection, tell your date that you had a great time and would love to get together again. Don’t ask him or her how he/she feels while you’re together because that puts them on the spot and you may not get an honest answer. Just make sure it’s clear you’d welcome another chance to rendezvous and would love to hear from them.
Commit yourself to online dating for at least six months. So many people give up after meeting two or three duds. Keep an open mind and stay positive. On the other hand, don’t go overboard and burn out. The Internet gives you access to thousands of potential single people, with almost no social barriers. Provided you have the energy, there’s no reason why you couldn’t be dating someone different every night of the week after just a couple of months. But don’t. Limit yourself to two dates a week. Even that’s a lot. If it’s meant to happen it will. There’ll be people you fancy who don’t fancy you, and vice versa. There’ll be those who take your breath away, literally, and leave you mumbling and searching for what to say next. And there’ll be one or two where you take each other’s breath away and find yourselves both at a loss for words.
Finally, know when to hide your profile or set it to private, and when to take it down. Many of the dating websites show you when the user was last logged on. “I have dated women I’ve met online,” Ozzy told me, “and thought we had a fantastic mutual connection. We’ve agreed to focus on each other rather than continue to explore other online options. Then I find that they’ve been online several times a day following our fabulous date!”
If you’ve had two or three really good dates and you agree there’s chemistry, hide your profile, at least until you’ve given the person a chance to see if there’s long-term potential. If you don’t, it’s a slap in the face to your date.
Trust Your Instincts
All relationships are built on trust. And there is no better way to judge trustworthiness than meeting in person. Your first reactions when you come face-to-face are involuntary. They’re caused by a tiny bulb that sits at the top of your spinal cord called your reptilian brain. This multimillion-year-old organ is responsible for regulating basic stuff like breathing, swallowing, your heartrate, your visual tracking system, and your startle reflex. It is looking out for you 24 hours a day. For reptiles the choices are simple: Do I ignore it, eat it, mate with it, or run from it? For you, ask this simple question and answer from your gut.
Do I trust him or her?
And remember, you can always leave if you feel uncomfortable.
Just One Tool in Your Tool Kit
With more than 50 million Americans logging on to dating sites every month and over a thousand new sites springing up each year, Internet dating is here to stay. But it’s still just another option—another way to meet people. The one thing I don’t want you to do is sign up for a service instead of exploring other methods. Rather, think of the Internet as one slice of a larger socialization pie—not a substitute for getting out there and mixing with people. Use it as just one of many ways to expand your circle of acquaintances, to get together with people in a social setting, and to eventually find your matched opposite. Be persistent.
part 2
GET SET
Fine-tune your people skills so that when you meet your matched opposite, you are ready to connect.
5
a fabulous first impression
What makes a star a star? I don’t just mean stars of stage or screen, but those people you see at a party or down at the garden center who attract and hold your attention longer than the average person—the ones you look at and somehow you want to be with them. What is it that attracts you to them? Is it the way they dress, the way they stand and move, or something ineffable they give off that creates this impression?
We’ve all heard the phrase “You never get a second chance to make a first impression,” and it’s true. People make judgments about you the moment the
y see you—and just because you haven’t seen them doesn’t mean they haven’t noticed you. You don’t have to be a star, but it won’t hurt to have a little bit of star quality to help ensure that your first impression is working for you. That means you need to leave your house feeling good about yourself and the way you’re dressed and to stay that way while you’re in public. Because what people respond to when they see you for the first time, before you even open your mouth, are your attitude and your clothes.
A First Impression Begins with Attitude
Alicia, Dennis, and Naomi arrive at the same time to a gala fund-raiser at Boston’s Copley Plaza Hotel. The organizers are expecting at least two dozen celebrities, 500 other guests, and the usual bevy of local media.
As the three enter the ballroom, their body language speaks volumes—three different volumes. Alicia is obviously there to enjoy herself. She’s smiling, looking around, and walking tall. She appears natural and happy—she looks like fun. She scans the crowd, spots a friend, and makes her way purposefully toward her. Dennis, on the other hand, looks around skeptically, like he’d rather be anywhere else but here. He has his hands in his pockets, and if you had to guess what he’s thinking, it would probably be, “What a load of bozos. How long before I can escape?” Naomi enters with a forced smile on her face but stops a few steps into the room. Her shoulders droop as she begins to psych herself out, and she looks like she’s scanning for the closest corner to hide in.
Notice I kept using the word looks. That’s what first impressions are based on: looks. And notice how their attitudes are apparent, too, when they enter the room. Dozens of people have seen them already, but only one, Alicia, has turned heads and made a good impression.
You can spot someone’s attitude from half a block away.
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 9
