You can spot someone’s attitude from half a block away, from the middle of a subway train, from the other side of a shop, or from the moment someone steps in the room. In my days as a fashion photographer we’d schedule one Friday a month for “go sees.” This was when my staff and I, and sometimes my clients, would see 30 or 40 new models, male and female. Each one would get about five minutes to say a few words and show us their portfolio. In truth, though, we never needed five minutes. Five seconds was more like it. The moment a new face stepped into the room we knew whether or not the person had what it takes. When we’d discuss the session among ourselves afterwards we didn’t talk as much about individual features as we did about mood, or attitude. “Jane was peppy.” “Mark looked kind of dramatic.” “Dana looked dangerous.” In that business—the business of first impressions—you can be the most gorgeous creature in the world, but if you don’t have the right attitude, you don’t have what it takes. And we could spot attitude in a flash—everybody can, and everybody does.
“Hi” and “Bye” Attitudes
There are two distinct classes of attitude—those that attract and those that repel. When you see someone who’s happy, confident, and relaxed you’re likely to be attracted to him or her. These are appealing “Hi!” attitudes. The opposite is true for someone who seems arrogant, gloomy, tense, angry, or dejected. No one wants to hang out with gloomy or irritated people because sooner or later they sap all your energy. They have “Bye” attitudes. The key to opening yourself up socially is to leave your gloomy side alone and consciously choose to look on the bright side—the side that gives you unlimited access to opportunity.
The good thing about attitude is you can adjust it whenever you want and get to the top of your game. All it takes is practice. Think about a time when you felt great. Perhaps it was when you accomplished something important—maybe you won a race, gave a great speech, or scored a goal. Or it may simply have been a time when you were enjoying the company of friends or family, or the late afternoon light of a summer day, or when you just felt truly yourself. Whatever it was, relive it in your mind in as much detail as possible, and once it’s so clear that you could almost reach out and touch it, connect it in your mind with a trigger word so you can summon that feeling again at will. Plenty of actors, TV personalities, and fashion models have trigger words or phrases to get them in the mood. Some will say “showtime” just as they head out into the spotlight and their whole being changes. They are “on”—they almost literally switch on a bright, energetic attitude. You can do the same. On page 144 in this chapter there’s an exercise that will teach you to do this simply and easily.
Attitudes Are Contagious
Have you ever noticed that when you’re in a group, if someone tells a joke and one person starts genuinely laughing, the others start laughing too, even if the joke’s not funny? The same happens with tension and sadness. That’s because, as a species, we’re hardwired to relate to the feelings and emotions that other people give off. This helps us adapt and fit into our environment. It works like this: If I smile at you, you’ll feel inclined to reciprocate and smile back. In much the same way, if I look at you dismissively and then avert my eyes, you’ll probably respond in kind. If I sigh, you feel it. If you laugh, I feel it.
Attitudes are contagious. They are, in fact, big bundles of feelings projected through body language, tone of voice, and the words you choose. When you’re angry, you look angry, you sound angry, you use angry words—and it makes other people feel uncomfortable. Conversely, when you’re playful, you look playful, you sound playful, you use playful words—and it makes other people feel playful. Ditto for enthusiastic, or sexy, or any other mood.
Thoughts and Emotions: The Chicken or the Egg?
What comes first, your thoughts or your emotions? The thought/emotion question is like the chicken and egg conundrum. One doesn’t come first; they’re intertwined. Which means thoughts affect emotions. A whole area of psychotherapy, called cognitive therapy, is based on this simple principle and has been shown to be effective in dealing with depression, low self-esteem, eating disorders, and a host of other problems. So, change your thoughts (i.e., your attitudes) and you can change your feelings.
Many people have grown up believing that their attitude toward life is entirely a response to what happens to them. If it’s raining and they were counting on sun, their attitude is annoyance. If their breakfast is cold, their attitude is irritation. If a friend doesn’t call when expected, their attitude is resentment—and so on. They believe that they are simply reacting to what comes their way.
But in fact, to a large degree you can adopt a positive outlook. As we go through our day and take in what’s going on around us, we unconsciously talk to ourselves about what we see, hear, feel, smell, and taste. For some, this interior dialogue is empowering because they naturally look on the bright side. (“Ooh, look it’s raining. That’s great for the garden.”) For others, it’s gloomy self-sabotage (“It’s raining. That sucks. It’s going to be a lousy day.”) But once you’re aware of your self-talk, you can change the conversation. When you hear yourself saying something negative, refocus and try to find something positive—turn “Dammit, my shoes are getting wet” into “I love the sound of rain on the pavement.”
Actions Speak Louder Than Words
In face-to-face communication we first give credibility to what we see (to gestures and body language); then to the tone, pitch, and volume of voice; and, last of all, to the things that are said. There’s solid scientific proof for this. In 1967, Dr. Albert Mehrabian, a professor at the University of California at Los Angeles, published a seminal study on face-to-face communication, titled Decoding of Inconsistent Communication, which showed that 55 percent of what we respond to is visual; 38 percent is auditory, or the pure sound of the communication; and only 7 percent involves the actual words we use. The main way we connect with others, as Dr. Mehrabian proved, is through physical gestures (posture, facial expression, movements) and rhythms (breathing speed, hand- or foot-tapping, nodding, etc.).
How to Slip into an Attitude
Without the right attitude, you’re not going to get very far in attracting your matched opposite, or anyone else for that matter. To achieve the results you want, you must think, walk, talk, and act in such a way that the best and most attractive parts of your personality come out. Is your best nature funny and warm, sexy and confident, relaxed and reassuring? Make sure people know it. But remember, your body and mind are part of the same system, and you can’t hope to control one without the other. Sure, you can tell your face to smile, but it won’t come off as genuine unless you first adopt the right attitude to put you in the mood.
So how do you go about adopting a “Hi!” attitude? It’s not like a piece of clothing that you can just slip on and off at will, right? Actually, it is! In a moment I’ll show you how to do it, but first I want you to answer these five questions.
1. Where is the milk in your refrigerator?
2. Is your favorite piece of music fast or slow paced?
3. What does sand feel like?
4. Does hot bread smell different from warm bread?
5. Do you prefer the taste of lemon or lime?
To answer these questions, you had to play back information that had been collected by your senses in the past and stored away. To locate the milk in your fridge, you made a mental picture and saw it there. To determine the pace of your music, you played part of it in your mind. You ran sand through your fingers, took imaginary sniffs of the bread, and had a quick mental taste of the lemon and lime.
Psychologists believe that our subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between something real and something vividly imagined—for example, imagine biting into a lime and you’ll actually salivate. During the following exercise, you’re going to play back your senses. Don’t expect to see Technicolor billboards right away. At first, your pictures will be as good as the ones you made to locate the milk in your fridg
e, etc.
EXERCISE: Getting in the Mood
Choose one of the following attitudes: warm, playful, confident, or curious.
Say you chose confident. Now close your eyes and think of a specific moment in time when you felt the most confident you ever have—totally in control and knowing exactly what to do. Relive what you saw, heard, felt, and maybe even smelled and tasted at that moment, in as much detail as you can.
First, watch the scene unfold as if it were a movie. Look around and see what’s going on in detail. Listen to all the different sounds. When you have the sights and sounds in focus, step into the picture. Instead of watching the movie, you’re now in it. Notice the foreground, the middle ground, and the background. Make the colors bright and sharp and colorful. Bring up the sounds in detail—notice which direction they come from. Are they harsh or sweet? If there are smells and tastes, bring them in too, to make the most complete picture possible. Make it as real as you can.
Now attune yourself to the external physical sensations—the air temperature, the feel of your clothing, your feet, your glasses, your belt. Explore and relive whatever external sensations you can.
Now bring your attention to your internal feelings.
Focus on your confidence. Notice where you feel it—in your tummy? Your shoulders? Your chest? Feel your posture. Are you standing tall? Is your head held high?
Take ownership of these feelings and pump them up. Make them bigger, stronger, brighter, and more intense—and then double them. Then double them again.
When you’re bursting with the image, yell the word “Great!” in your mind three times. “Great, great, great!” Then again, “Great, great, great!” And a third time, “Great, great, great!”
When you are ready, open your eyes and savor the feeling. The exercise you have just done is a powerful one—but it’s also very simple. You just relived, in detail, a time when you felt good, and now, when you say “Great!” three times to yourself, you can bring it whooshing back into the front of your mind anytime you like. Before you close your eyes and do the exercise again, make sure you memorize the four simple stages:
1. Play the movie.
2. Step in to see, hear, and feel it.
3. Pump up the sensations.
4. Yell “Great!” three times in your mind.
Standing Tall, Feeling Terrific
Research shows that the single most important attribute we all subconsciously seek in a potential mate is good health. This goes back to our earliest ancestors, and the desire to be fruitful and multiply: Females wanted clever hunters and strong protectors; males wanted mates able to bear healthy children. One way we determine health is by posture: Someone who’s standing tall looks healthy and strong, ready to face the world. Your posture signals volumes about your physical and emotional health and vitality, and it does so in a flash.
Stand tall and you’ll feel emotionally tall. Send the crown of your head to the sky, move your shoulder blades down and slightly back, and you’ll feel on top of your game. Just as thoughts and emotions influence each other, so do body and mind. If you feel sad, chances are you’ll be sitting slumped, with your head bowed and mouth turned down. If you feel happy, you’ll be walking tall, head up and smiling.
But the reverse is also true: Physical attitudes influence moods! You can’t feel happy while you sit in that slump with your mouth curled downwards (try it, it’s true!) and you can’t feel sad while you leap in the air with a big grin on your face. Your body just won’t allow it. When you adjust your posture to upright and proud, your body will generate feelings of self-confidence, courage, and even sexiness. Let good posture enhance your desirability.
If you want to move on to some advanced poise and posture work, take dance lessons. Dancing benefits you in myriad ways. You gain strength, grace, and rhythm; it works wonders for your posture and gets you in touch with your body; and it helps boost your confidence, on the dance floor and off.
My Fabulous First Impression
What attitude or combination of attitudes would you like to exude when you meet someone new? Determining this is the first step toward achieving it. Finish the following sentences:
1. The me that I’d like everyone to see is______.
2. The right attitude or combination of attitudes for me is______
3. To think, walk, talk, act, and conduct myself according to my selected attitude(s), I will use the following trigger memory:______.
Here’s Looking at You
So, you’ve got a great attitude, you’re standing tall, you’re just about ready now to go out and find your soul mate, right? There’s only one thing we have to check before you head out the door: Just what is that you’re wearing?
If the first thing someone notices about you is your attitude, the second is your clothes. In fact, the impact is made so quickly it’s as if they see both things at the same time, and then form their first impressions about you. Your clothing speaks volumes. It tells people what kind of person you see yourself as. It also can reveal a lot about your socioeconomic status, whether you’re conventional or flamboyant, sexy or modest, trendy or traditional. Take a good hard look at your wardrobe and see if it makes the statement you want. Many of us are creatures of habit and we wear what we’ve always worn. But is the look you adopted 15 years ago (or more) still appropriate for you now?
Coco Chanel once said, “Dress poorly, and people will notice your clothes; dress well, and people will notice you.” Ask yourself: What do I want my clothing to communicate to others? Is there an aspect of my personality that I want to emphasize? Does my current wardrobe do the job? Take into account your physical characteristics and make sure the image you want to create works with them.
Wearing attractive clothes with confidence makes you feel different about yourself and makes other people respond differently to you.
Get into the habit of looking your best when you go out. I’m not talking about always being perfectly coiffed and made up or wearing your fanciest duds. Rather, I mean you should dress so you feel attractive—so that if you ran into an old friend you hadn’t seen for years, you’d feel that you looked fine. We’re making first impressions all the time, and you never know whom you might meet.
Wearing attractive clothes with confidence makes you feel different about yourself and makes other people respond differently to you. The way we dress influences our behavior and attitude, and that in turn influences other people. The bottom line with clothes, as with other forms of packaging, is the better you dress, the more seriously people will treat you. That said, make sure that you’re comfortable in your clothes, and that they convey the real you—at your best. If you adopt a look for the sake of fashion but it makes you feel uncomfortable, keep experimenting until you get to a look that feels right. Remember, people will sense your discomfort just as clearly as they see your clothes.
Also bear in mind that dressing well depends on the context of the situation and who it is you want to attract.
EXERCISE: Exercise: Poise, Pace, and Posture
Poise simply means moving with quiet confidence and grace. It is self-assuredness, not arrogance, and it’s all about posture and pace. It’s sexy and attractive, it turns heads and helps you control a room, and it all begins with excellent posture. Take a few minutes to go through this activity and then practice it regularly. Before you know it, poise will be a part of who you are.
It may seem silly, but modeling schools have an exercise that they’ve used for years, making both male and female students do it from day one. It’s simple, and it works.
1. Put a dictionary on your head.
2. Walk around the room. It should take you about ten minutes to get used to the position and the balance of it.
3. Go in and out of doors, opening and closing them behind you.
4. With the book still balanced on your head, go up and down stairs.
5. Sit down, count to five, and stand up. Go to another chair and repeat.
6. Duri
ng each stage, pause, close your eyes, and focus on your posture—on what it feels like, on how you’re holding your shoulders, your hips, your feet. Notice how calm your pace is and how graceful your overall carriage.
7. This is where you graduate: Drink a cup of tea or coffee with the dictionary still on your head, and promise yourself that from this moment on, whenever you see, drink, or think about tea or coffee, you’ll imagine that big book of words is on your head and adjust your posture and pace accordingly.
Setting the dictionary aside, practice carrying yourself with grace and poise all the time—while you’re walking the dog, while you’re stuck in traffic, while you’re waiting in line or watching TV. Notice others who carry themselves with grace and poise and think about how great they look.
Seven Keys to Dressing Well
Clothes are far too personal an issue for me to give specific advice that would work for everyone. Instead, here are seven key points, based on what I learned in my years in the fashion industry, that will help make your clothes work for you. None of this is new: It’s tried and true, and it works. Above all, remember the golden rule: Keep it clean and simple.
1. Wear Clothes That Fit
Many people wear clothes that don’t fit correctly—they’re a little too big, a little too small, not the right shape, a bit too short, a tad too long. But fit makes all the difference. The goal is for your clothes to skim your body and hang well. Remember, size doesn’t matter; fit matters. If you’re not sure whether your clothes fit correctly, ask friends. If you’re shopping, ask the sales help. A well-fitting, tailored jacket is the ultimate power garment for every wardrobe. Be honest with yourself. If you need help, ask a good tailor or dressmaker.
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 10
