2. Accessories Make a Big Difference
The right accessory can make you look better dressed than you are. If you can’t afford the most expensive and best quality when it comes to your wardrobe, splurge on accessories. Buy the very best belt, shoes, purse, or scarf that you can afford. And remember, don’t overdo it. Let one or two carefully chosen accessories make your statement. You want to avoid superficial distractions. The same goes for your jewelry—for men, a tasteful watch is all you need. For women, a simple necklace and carefully chosen earrings and you’re set. If you want to wear more, just make sure that all your pieces are working together. In the end, you want to be remembered for your conversation rather than for what you’re wearing.
3. Make Sure Your Clothes Aren’t Out of Style
The upside of following trends—that you look fresh, tuned in, and of the moment—is also its downside. When your clothes are out of style, you are out of style. So if you’re going to wear up-to-the-minute fashion (or even hip vintage clothes), stay abreast of what’s in at the moment. Otherwise stick with more traditional fare. Or invest in some classics along with your “now” pieces so you don’t have to replace your wardrobe every season.
4. Wear a Well-Coordinated Outfit
Make sure your clothes blend well together—and I don’t mean simply avoiding pairing green and yellow stripes with pink and purple polka dots. Make sure your styles all match; that they blend well together and are in the same family of casual or formal. Accessories are important: A too casual belt or pair of shoes can throw off an otherwise perfect look. The idea is to attract, not distract. If you’re not sure how you look to other people, take a picture of yourself and see how you come across. Or if you’re in doubt about your look, ask for help. You’ll get it for free at any decent clothing store.
5. Dress for the Occasion
If you have trouble deciding what to wear, it’s better to be slightly overdressed than underdressed. When in doubt, choose a look you can dress up or down with accessories. The best thing is to determine in advance what clothing would be most appropriate for where you’re going. Educate yourself on the location—a quick look at their website can tell you a lot.
6. Make Sure Your Clothes Are Clean
This sounds so obvious, but it’s important. Really check for subtle stains and spots. Check your shoes as well, making sure they’re clean and polished.
7. Pay Attention to Your Grooming
Make sure your hair is well groomed and your nails are clean, and pay attention to oral hygiene—there’s no bigger turnoff than getting a waft of secondhand cabbage or cigarette breath. Be clean and sweet smelling, but don’t overdo the perfume or after-shave. And remember, women generally have a better sense of smell than men.
Read the Signals
Just as your clothing speaks volumes about you, what others wear can give you insight into them. Learn to read the signals—beyond the instant assessments that we all naturally make. For example, different personality types feel more at home in certain types of clothing than others. You’ll find dominant, controlling types lean toward a more tailored appearance; the analytical personality favors the formal, somewhat conservative look; the promoter goes in for the stylish and expressive approach; while the solid, supportive man or woman is more comfortable with the casual look.
Looking for Your Look
If you think your image or style (or lack of one) could do with a boost, then keep an active eye out for looks that might work for you. Begin by noticing what the people around you are wearing, paying particular attention to those whose style appeals to you. Take a look at catalogs and fashion magazines, do some window shopping, and browse clothing store racks. Start to notice which people on the street catch your eye—how are they dressed? Buy some outfits at stores that allow returns. Take them home and play around with them, then return what you don’t like.
Choose clothes you feel comfortable in, but also that really flatter you and project the image of your best self. Some of us dress to blend in, and while that’s okay, you can also add a little flair that expresses your personality and makes you feel adventurous. Sometimes an interesting accessory can add a little oomph and also be a conversation starter. For example, my wife wears hand-painted reading glasses and people are always asking her about them.
If you don’t have a strong image of yourself and you feel you need help, hire a consultant or go to a good store (you don’t have to buy anything), try on stuff, and get opinions—lots of them. Many high-end department stores provide in-house personal shoppers. These people are there to help you find the right look. Be sure to brief them well, giving them a sense of what type of person you are. The Wall Street look may make you look dynamic in the mirror, but if you’re a sheep farmer it will eventually backfire because it’s not the real you.
What Do Others See?
Think about your appearance and the clothes you wear; then think about the image and attitude you’d like to project. Answer the following questions to help you determine how your look can help you convey that image.
1. What aspect of my personality do I want to emphasize?
2. What do I want my appearance to communicate to others?
3. What changes must I make to achieve this?
4. What are the first steps I’ll take toward accomplishing my goal?
The Total Package
In the world of advertising, an “impression” is counted as a single exposure to a product. Advertisers pay fortunes to get their products out into the marketplace in the hope that their low-fat waffles, touch-screen iPods, or irresistible lipstick flavors will garner lots of favorable impressions. They know that a good first impression means the difference between a consumer giving their product a try and giving it a pass.
Your irresistible first impression, your star power, is not going to be determined by TV commercials, glossy advertisements, or raving testimonials but by your attitude, your poise, and your wardrobe. Enhancing and focusing on these important aspects of your image will do more than boost your chances in the love market, it’ll also boost the way you feel about yourself. When we feel good about ourselves it affects everything. We make better decisions, feel more adventurous, have more energy, and tap into our natural enthusiasm, all of which impacts the nonverbal signals we send out to others. Being on top of our game means others will want to join in and play.
6
hello, how are you, how do you do?
Studies by the Harvard School of Health Sciences and several other notable institutions show that we decide within the first two seconds of meeting people whether we like them or not. We make unconscious appraisals of their nonverbal signals based on our emotional and physical security: “I do/don’t feel safe with you,” “I do/don’t trust you.” Those assessments lead us to make snap judgments—right or wrong—about the people we encounter. If we like them, we tend to see the best in them; if we don’t like them, we may well see the worst.
Since certain behaviors make people feel comfortable and others put them on guard, you actually have some measure of control over how people react to you in those first brief moments. Charming people look you in the eye when you first meet them; alarming people avoid eye contact or look at you so fleetingly that they seem shifty or nervous, and make you feel uncomfortable. Charming people smile when they meet you; alarming people have serious or worried mouths that set a disturbing tone. Charming people have open body language that says you’re welcome to approach; alarming people have closed body language that says, “Scram, I’ve got better things to do.”
Using Body Language to Build Trust
Let me describe a scene that took place last winter at my local ski hill. The players were Michelle, a friend of my youngest daughter, and Brad, a regular skier at the hill. Michelle worked at the ski shop, and Brad, a frequent customer, was attracted to her and was pretty sure she was eyeing him too. He wanted to approach her, and to do so came up with the ruse of signing up for an introductory snow
boarding lesson. Let’s look at both parties’ body language as the scene plays out.
Brad takes a seat across from Michelle at the sign-up desk, which is actually a small round table with a couple of chairs. While Michelle is arranging her papers, Brad hugs his shoulders, nibbles his lip a little, runs his tongue around his bottom lip, and looks down at the floor, occasionally sneaking glances at Michelle.
Michelle gets herself organized and faces Brad squarely and openly, her elbows on the arms of her chair, her forearms resting lightly and uncrossed on the table in front of her. She looks him in the eye and smiles as she explains the snowboarding package, asking some questions and writing down the answers. Brad stops hugging himself and crosses his arms in front of his chest. His eyes dart around the room, rarely meeting Michelle’s.
As she continues explaining the deal, Brad places his right elbow on the table and turns so his body is angled to the left, away from Michelle. He glances at her sideways and frequently looks away. She instinctively turns her body in the same direction as Brad’s, and in a very natural move puts her left elbow on the table. They are almost mirror images of one another.
Brad seems to relax and appears to pay more attention to Michelle. After a few moments Michelle sits back in her chair and faces Brad directly. He does the same, but stuffs his right hand under his left armpit and covers his mouth with his left hand. Still, he’s looking at her openly now and smiling a little. After a few moments Michelle mirrors Brad’s arm and hand positions, then leans forward and says in a clear, calm, enthusiastic way, “The course starts next Saturday at nine.” She uncrosses her arms and rests them once again on the table. Brad does the same, smiles, and asks, “So, after all these years of skiing, you think I’ll be able to manage a board?”
They lock eyes and smile. “Sure,” says Michelle, “and I think you’ll have a really great time.”
What Happened?
There was a lot going on in this little scene and we’ll get to some of it in more detail in a later chapter, but basically Brad started out alarming, using closed body language. Michelle was charming and used open body language, and eventually her openness disarmed Brad and enabled him to relax. Michelle employed the three main behaviors that are essential when meeting a potential partner or, for that matter, anyone with whom you want to have a productive relationship.
1. Look the person in the eye.
2. Smile.
3. Open your body language (which I’ll talk more about in a minute).
Let’s look at these behaviors individually.
Windows on the Soul
How does it feel when you go into a store or a bank and the clerk never so much as looks at you? Or when you meet someone new and they look right past you, over your shoulder? The answer is simple: You feel uncomfortable and probably form a negative impression of the person. That’s because when there’s no eye contact, trust and respect are absent.
Get in the habit of noticing the color of people’s eyes when you meet them.
We are born to make eye contact; it’s the foundation for all social skills. According to new research by Dr. Teresa Farroni of the Centre for Brain and Cognitive Development at England’s Birkbeck College, babies as young as two days old can detect when somebody is looking directly at them. Not only that, but by the time they are four months old they show measurably more interest in faces that present a direct gaze than in those that are looking elsewhere. Being able to make eye contact helps us establish human links and develop social skills, and is absolutely essential for forging relationships. Brad couldn’t bring himself to look at Michelle until he was comfortable, and it limited his self-confidence and his ability to gain trust and respect. Michelle sought to make eye contact with Brad immediately, and it significantly enhanced her ability to make a connection.
Eye contact is intimate contact and, used properly, can create immense rapport and sexual intimacy. The easiest way to learn to consistently make eye contact is to get in the habit of noticing the color of people’s eyes when you meet them. The color itself is unimportant, but it’s a good device around which to build a new habit. Practice at the store, at work, and the next time you go to a restaurant. Practice with everyone you meet until it’s second nature. Remember, you were born to make eye contact.
Smile and the World Smiles with You
Nothing says “I’m noticing you” the way eye contact does, and nothing says “I’m happy and confident” quite like a smile. A smile is good news all round, helping you present a better face (literally!) to the world and, in addition, acting as a pump for the neurotransmitter serotonin. When you smile, you tighten about 14 muscles at the corners of your mouth and ears, which causes an electrical message to be sent to your brain stimulating serotonin release, which gives you a sense of well-being. Go ahead, give it a try. You’ll feel more attractive, capable, and satisfied.
As an added bonus, smiles, like attitudes, are contagious: If you smile at someone, in all likelihood she’ll smile back, and get a nice little shot of serotonin perking up her system to boot. You’ve just made her feel good. Now wasn’t that a cinch?
I know it sounds basic, but make a habit of looking people in the eye and smiling at them. It builds bridges. You’ll get better service, make better friends, feel better about yourself, and be more attractive to potential partners.
Do you remember how you mentally yelled the word “Great!” three times in a row in the last chapter? Now say it out loud. When you do, you’re obliged to tighten those same smile muscles around your jaw, making the serotonin flow. It’s a trick I learned when I was a fashion photographer. Many models repeat the word over and over to themselves with conviction when they need to put on a genuine-looking smile. It works. So, next time you’re going to meet someone, say “Great!” under your breath three times as you approach. By the time you get there you’ll be smiling and feeling terrific. A word of caution: People who smile too much or make too much eye contact are scary and confusing. Don’t overdo it.
The Broad Vocabulary of Body Language
Michelle and Brad from the ski shop are portraits of the two extremes of body language: open and closed. Michelle was open—her nonverbal gestures signaled cooperation, agreement, willingness, enthusiasm, and approval. Open body language says, “I’m comfortable with you.” Brad’s body language, on the other hand, was closed, and his nervousness showed in his unconscious defensive gestures. His body signaled resistance, frustration, anxiety, stubbornness, nervousness, and impatience, regardless of what he may actually have felt at the time. Closed body language says, “I’m uncomfortable with you.”
Open Body Language
The simplest way to think about open and closed body language is that open body language exposes your heart (that is, your chest area and your face) and is welcoming. It shows trust and says, “Yes!” Closed body language defends your heart and, as you saw with Brad, it can make you appear unfriendly, unhappy, angry, or aloof, no matter what your real feelings. It says, “No!”
Babies are great examples of open and closed body language. When they are comfortable, they lie on their backs with wide-open body language. When they’re uncomfortable, they close up.
If you want to show someone that you’re charming and not alarming, you have to open yourself up right off the bat, before you’ve even said a word. Presumably the attitude you’ve chosen will do this for you anyway. “Hi!” attitudes are open, just like Michelle’s welcoming attitude. Open body language includes:
• Keeping your arms and legs uncrossed
• Facing the person with an easy physical attitude
• Maintaining good posture
• Leaning slightly forward, toward the person
• Keeping your hands open
• Keeping your shoulders relaxed
• Keeping your movements slow and relaxed
• Maintaining a generally comfortable aura
Open gestures are calm and deliberate. They are meant to be seen. When combin
ed with open facial expressions (good eye contact and a smile), open body language signals trust, happiness, acceptance, and comfort, and sends the message that things are going well.
You can enhance your open signals with your clothing. Imagine spending half an hour at a café having coffee with someone who never unbuttons his or her coat. An open coat or jacket (or removing the garment entirely) exposes the heart literally as well as symbolically and shows you are relaxed.
Positive, open body language and gestures reach out to others—they’re the subconscious version of a good hug or a heart-to-heart talk.
Heart-to-Heart and Openhanded
The easiest and fastest way to demonstrate open body language and signal an open heart is to face the other person straight on—literally heart-to-heart. Think of it as having a spotlight in the middle of your chest, shining on the other person.
It’s also a good idea to let the person see that you have nothing concealed in your hands—an instinctual worry that’s been with us since caveman times. To put the person at ease, hold your hands in such a way that he or she can see them.
No Gesture Is an Island
Individual gestures are the vocabulary of body language, just like the words on this page are the vocabulary of the book. By the same token, individual gestures convey no more meaning than would a single word on this page, in isolation; it’s only when you combine them with other gestures and with a particular attitude that they start to tell a story. Also, a closed gesture, like Brad’s hugging his own shoulders, could have been neutralized if he’d also been facing Michelle, looking her in the eye, and smiling. And sometimes body language tells a different story than what we imagine: Someone whose shoulders are tense may be in pain, and someone folding their arms over their chest may simply be feeling chilly!
How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less Page 11
