How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less

by Nicholas Boothman

  Closed Body Language

  If open body language is like a warm hug, closed body language is like getting the cold shoulder. It’s defensive and shuts people out. Closed gestures include:

  • Avoiding eye contact

  • Crossing your arms and/or legs

  • Clenching your fists

  • Turning your body at an angle to the other person

  • Fidgeting

  • Covering your mouth

  • Moving stiffly or jerkily

  • Maintaining a generally uncomfortable aura

  • Wearing sunglasses

  Make a habit of opening your body language when you meet people. Stand and face them, notice the color of their eyes (to be sure you’re making eye contact), smile, and shine your heart at them. You’ll be amazed how these simple gestures build trust.

  The Next Step: Talking!

  Okay, all your nonverbal signals are in line: Your attitude is great, you’re dressed so you feel and look good, and your body language is open. Now it’s time to talk.

  By far the easiest way to meet someone new is to be introduced formally. Then all that’s required is for you to stick out your hand and say, “Janet, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” A good introducer will often say something that will help launch a conversation, such as, “Angie, meet Barry, my carpooling partner. Barry, meet Angie. Angie lives next door.” This gives you a simple bit of information with which to start a conversation—it’s a bit like kindling for a fire. Angie can now say to Barry something as simple as, “So you work downtown?” or as playful as, “You two drive together? Who gets to choose the music?” If Barry’s the one to start the conversation, he can simply ask how long Angie has lived next door, or make a lighthearted jest about their host’s skills as a neighbor. Let’s take a closer look at another introduction to see how it works in more detail.

  Making the Most of the First Few Moments

  Tom, a mutual friend, introduces Karen and Patrick to each other when they both happen to be in his real estate office early one morning. Tom’s a sociable guy and he knows how to make introductions, so the conversation starts flowing.

  “I don’t know if you two have ever met,” he says. “Karen, this is my friend Patrick. We play tennis together, and I usually let him win! Patrick, this is my old friend Karen. We bumped into each other over the weekend. It must be five years at least since you left town for the high life, wouldn’t you say?”

  “About that,” she replies. Then Karen turns to face Patrick, makes eye contact, smiles, and offers her hand. “Hello, Patrick, it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  Patrick looks Karen in the eye, smiles, shakes her hand (not too firm, not too limp), and says, “What a lovely way to start the day!”

  Karen grins, “Thank you. Are you this charming on the tennis court?”

  “Look,” says Tom, “I just have to make a quick call. Why don’t you two grab some coffee—it’s freshly brewed—and I’ll be right back.”

  “A lot can happen in five years,” Patrick remarks as they move toward the coffeepot. “Where did you escape to?” His tone is courteous, charming, and interested—he’s been paying attention. “I hope you’ve been having fun.”

  “Most of the time. Being on call twelve hours a day and dealing with really grumpy people may not be everybody’s idea of fun, but I love what I do.”

  “Coffee?” asks Patrick.

  “Yes, please. Black.”

  “Let me guess. You’re a doctor and you’ve been working with the Peace Corps.”

  “You’re a funny guy.” Karen is laughing and relaxed. “No, I’m not,” she chuckles, “What about you? You’re in real estate, I guess.”

  Patrick shakes his head, “No. At least not in the way you’re probably thinking.”

  “You’re a tennis pro?”

  “Wouldn’t that be nice!” Patrick laughs. “But now that you mention it, what ball are we volleying here?”

  “I don’t know,” Karen says coyly, looking at Patrick over the rim of her coffee cup, “but it’s fun.”

  You’ve heard the expression “Never look a gift horse in the mouth”? In plain English, it means make the most of your opportunities. Karen and Patrick were lucky that Tom gave them something to work with when he introduced them, and they were both paying enough attention to use the information to banter back and forth and set a playful tone. They also used body language, facial expressions, laughter, feedback, and lightheartedness to fan the spark of an introduction into the flame of a conversation.

  Both Patrick and Karen were ready, willing, and able to make the most of their first few moments. Karen exhibited a “you never know” attitude and chose an attractive, playful, and charming attitude, acknowledging the introduction, and making a great first impression. Patrick also did all the right things: He maintained Tom’s upbeat and positive tone, then turned their first moments together into a game by riffing on the remark about Karen’s five-year absence, introducing an air of mystery. He could have just laid all his cards on the table and said, “I have my own landscaping company and I’m here because Tom’s introducing me to a new client. What do you do?” And then Karen could have told him she’s a helicopter pilot who’s been flying the frost patrol up north, and is here now to interview for City TV’s traffic chopper job. Instead, they both chose play talk over small talk, and it made them appealing to each other.

  Opening Lines

  Compliments only work when they are sincere and not fabricated for the moment.

  Suppose Tom hadn’t paved the way for Patrick and Karen’s conversation with his smooth social skills? Or suppose the phone had rung and he’d had to take the call, leaving them only knowing each other’s names? In this kind of situation, there are three types of starters that either of them could have used to ease quickly and gently into rapport: a statement (“This is such a bright sunny office—I love the morning sun”); a question (“What brings you here so early in the morning?”); or a sincere, pleasant compliment. They could even try a mixture of all three.

  Compliments are the riskiest because they’re personal, and it’s easy for them to seem opportunistic or smarmy. If Karen and Patrick had both had cameras hanging around their necks, it would be fine to say something like, “Wow, is that a 2.8 Tessar lens? That’s gorgeous.” But they are a man and a woman in a realtor’s office, so unless Patrick could genuinely say something like, “That’s a fresh cornflower in your lapel, isn’t it? It’s charming,” he’d do better to choose another route to conversation. Compliments only work when they are sincere and not fabricated for the moment, and unless you’re expert at delivering them, you run the risk of getting too personal too soon.

  A statement followed by an open question is always a safe bet and a great way to start a conversation. You don’t need to agonize over sparkling opening lines—they’re just not worth it. The point of an opening line is to see if the person is interested in talking to you—it’s an invitation to start up a conversation. Start with a statement (it could be about sports, the weather, the occasion, or the surroundings) and add a tag question (isn’t it? don’t they? doesn’t she? etc.). “It’s kind of cold tonight, isn’t it?” The person will recognize this as a conversation starter and respond, especially if you look as if you expect a response. The way he or she responds will give you an idea of his or her willingness to continue the conversation. As a general rule, the longer and the more open the response, the better. Then, depending on the degree of the response, follow up with an open question: “How do you know Jack?”

  Don’t just take my word for it. Spend some time studying how the professionals do it on TV. Watch Oprah, Larry King, Barbara Walters, or Charlie Rose. They’ll start with a quote, or a press clip, or a reference to a brewing scandal, then ask a question designed to elicit information (not just a yes or no answer).

  A tip: Use the person’s name within the first couple of minutes of meeting him or her. It has a magical effect. After all, a person’s name
is probably the most important word in the world to them. But do it subtly—you don’t want to come off as the flashy salesperson type.

  Engineering Introductions

  If a stranger across a crowded room catches your fancy, ask your host or a mutual friend or acquaintance to introduce you. But don’t leave things to chance. Instead, prepare your own ten-second commercial ahead of time by telling your introducer what to say—your name, perhaps where you’re from, and what you do for a living, or something else memorable about you, all put in an interesting way. It’ll come off a lot better than “Heather, this is Jim. He got soaked coming here, didn’t you, Jim?”

  It’s also important to follow that old rule: Two’s company, three’s a crowd. Politely ask your host to introduce you, say one or two interesting things about you, and then leave. “Heather, this is Jim. He lives in Seattle and he makes films.” You want the third party out of the way so the conversation doesn’t become two people talking and one listening—a bad dynamic for making a connection, no matter who ends up doing the talking.

  If you really want to impress, ask your host to tell you two or three interesting things about the person you want to meet before he introduces you. Then, when you do connect, you can say, “Bob told me that you spent last month in a Buddhist retreat. What was it like? What inspired you to go?” This strategy puts you on a more personal footing faster.

  Free Information

  Whether you’re being introduced or are introducing yourself, the more information you have about the person you’re meeting, the easier it is to get to know them.

  In addition to paying attention and listening carefully, you can also encourage people to give you free information during an introduction. For example, if Clyde approaches a woman he doesn’t know in a safe social situation and says, “Hi,” there’s a strong probability she’ll say “Hi!” or something similar right back. But what if Clyde adds a tag of extra information to draw the woman into conversation? It could be something as easy as his name (“Hi, I’m Clyde.”) or something more substantial. (“Hi, I’m Clyde Barrow from Teleco, Texas. This is my first time here.”) Now the ball is in Bonnie’s court and she’ll either respond with her own information or Clyde can nudge her along with a few words (“And you are …?”) and/or an inquiring look or other body language.

  Conversation is like a game of tennis. If you put the ball in the other person’s court, that person usually knows to hit it back, and will do so naturally. If she doesn’t, you can encourage her to. The point is that you’ve set the person up to reciprocate. Now you just have to wait for the ball to come back your way. What you end up with is information that can be used to escalate your conversation out of small talk into something more substantive.

  7

  approaching strangers

  The setting in which you see someone can have a significant impact both on how you perceive each other and how you choose to approach him or her. In the best of all possible worlds there would always be someone available to make the introduction and a familiar, emotionally comfortable space within which to interact—a party, a dinner, a club meeting, or a class, for instance. Researchers call these settings closed fields, where everyone has the opportunity to meet and the expectation that they’ll do so. Meeting people this way, with an introduction from a mutual acquaintance in a comfortable closed field, makes it more likely you’ll share interests, values, and tastes, and also gives you an automatic conversational entrée, even if it’s as simple as “How do you know Rob?” or “How did you get involved with this club?”

  There are bound to be times, though, when you see someone you’d like to meet in a public open field like an airport, shopping mall, supermarket, or commuter train. For most of us, this can be a daunting situation. After all, from the earliest age our parents told us never to talk to strangers, and the mere thought of doing so immobilizes us. Let’s make a new rule, though: While “don’t talk to strangers” is a great watchword for kids, it’s nonsensical for adults and is actually counterproductive. The ability to approach people in an easy, relaxed way is a valuable skill that can help in all areas of your life, whether you need a friend, a job, a shoulder to cry on, or someone to go on a cruise with you around the Cape.

  No matter what the situation, there are two ways to approach strangers to whom you’re attracted: the direct approach and the indirect approach.

  The Direct Approach

  Many of us go through life hoping that others will somehow intuit our desires and fulfill them without our having to articulate a thing. Sometimes we’re even disappointed or feel rejected when people don’t read our minds and provide what we want. The best way of getting what you want, though, is often just asking for it. Instead of simply noticing that cute guy or gal across the room and wishing he or she’d notice you back, now is the time to take action—to walk over and express your interest.

  Many of us go through life hoping that others will somehow intuit our desires and fulfill them without our having to articulate a thing.

  For most of us, this is scary. Unless you’re a movie star, a model, or a notoriously wealthy bachelor or single woman, it takes a lot of guts to approach a stranger and start talking. But there are times when it’s act now or never see the person again, or when the strength of your feelings overwhelms you and compels you to act—as was the case with a man I met, named Ryan.

  A heavy equipment importer, Ryan was in Holland on business, riding a half-empty train from Amsterdam to The Hague. Sitting across the aisle from him were two attractively dressed women in their late thirties, roughly Ryan’s age. They were speaking English, and Ryan couldn’t help overhearing their conversation. One of them, an American, mentioned she was a journalist based in The Hague representing several overseas publications. The other, a young Indian woman dressed like a Wall Street executive, with a very correct English accent spiced with a hint of Indian pronunciation, worked for a British shipping line. Ryan told me the beauty of the Indian woman’s voice mesmerized him. He sensed without any shadow of doubt that she was his type. “She talked slowly, choosing her words carefully and with precision. She was impeccably dressed—a little formal, totally classy.”

  There were only two stops on the intercity express, and from what he’d overheard, Ryan knew he’d be getting off before the two women. He felt so strongly attracted to this woman that he decided to do something about it. He told me he didn’t feel inhibited; it was just something he had to do. Without giving himself time to talk himself out of it, he slid to the aisle end of his seat and, using open body language, a smile, eye contact, and a calm, confident voice, he addressed the journalist. “Hi. Excuse me.” Then he turned to the other woman and, using a you-and-me gesture (gently pointing back and forth between her and himself), said, “Hello. Do you mind if I say something—something personal?”

  “I don’t know,” the woman replied.

  “It’s just that as we’ve been moving along in the train for the last half hour and you were both lost in conversation, I couldn’t help overhearing you.” He paused to add tension. “I just want to say, you have the most beautiful voice.”

  She was gracious and relieved. “Thank you,” she said.

  “I find it very attractive.” Ryan paused for a response, but as he expected, none was forthcoming. “I was wondering what you’d say if I invited you out for lunch?” he asked, nodding his head ever so slightly as if to say yes.

  “I don’t think so, but I’m very flattered,” the woman replied. His opportunity was dissolving. The woman seemed genuinely amused at Ryan’s advance, but shook her head as she said, “No.”

  “I’ll tell you what,” said Ryan. “Here’s my business card. I’m going back to New York on Wednesday. Check out my website and you’ll see I don’t bite. Think about it—and when it’s appropriate, give me a call. Or if you change your mind, or if you want to, you can e-mail me tonight. Maybe we can pencil in lunch tomorrow. Your choice.” Still looking her in the eye, he smiled, then
turned to the American journalist and said, “Thanks.” He turned back to the woman with the enchanting voice and murmured, “Bye,” then got up, scooted through the carriage doors, and got off the train at his stop.

  Her name was Shantha. She called the next morning and they met for lunch around the corner from the Royal Palace in The Hague. “She made me feel like I could conquer the world,” Ryan told his friends later. “He made me feel like the cleverest person he’d ever met,” Shantha told her American journalist friend when she called for all the details.

  Ryan and Shantha put an end to their long-distance relationship 18 months later when they got married and moved to the south of England.

  The Direct Approach in Action

  In 1989 the Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality published the results of a study undertaken by Drs. Russell Clark and Elaine Hatfield called “Gender Differences in Receptivity to Sexual Offers.” The researchers used average-looking male and female research assistants posing as regular students to approach attractive strangers of the opposite sex on a college campus and say, “I’ve been noticing you around campus. I find you very attractive.” Then they’d randomly ask one of three questions to measure the gender differences in receptivity to sexual offers:

  1. Would you like to go out with me tonight?

  2. Would you like to come over to my apartment tonight?