How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less

by Nicholas Boothman

  Always be on the lookout for opportunities to honestly say, “Me too.”

  “Hi. Do you mind if I sit here?”

  The woman moves slightly to her left. “No, I don’t mind,” she murmurs, and Ian sits down.

  “What a beautiful morning. I’m waiting for the bank to open. Are you in line before me, for the bank?” he asks jokingly.

  “Not really. I’m just starting work with a travel agency up there on one of the floors, so I got here early.”

  “This isn’t a bad area to work in. There are quite a few good restaurants around the block. I work in that building over there.”

  Ian missed out on the pointers—first day, working for a travel agent. He should have picked up on these nuggets and used the who, what, where, why, when, and how conversation starters: “How long have you been in the travel business?” “What will you do there?” Or he could have just said, “First day—are you nervous?” He ignored one of the golden rules of connecting: Pay attention. Did you spot the near perfect opportunity for a “Me too” moment that he missed when she said she got there early? He should have said, with humor and enthusiasm, “Oh yes, me too.”

  All right, let’s try it from a woman’s point of view.

  Tina, a pharmacist, is on an Alaskan cruise with her friend Jasmine. One morning, out for a stroll around the deck on her own, Tina sees an attractive man seated on a bench. She sits down beside him and notices he’s reading the latest John Grisham novel. Grisham is her favorite author! He smiles at her as she sits, and knowing that they have the book in common, she smiles back.

  But the man has gone back to reading. Tina decides to plunge ahead.

  “So, are you a Grisham fan?”

  “Not really,” says the man. “This is the first book of his I’ve ever read.”

  “Oh really, why’s that?”

  “I don’t get much time for reading. In my line of work the hours can get pretty unpredictable.”

  “Well, I’ve read all his books. He’s one of my favorite authors, although I also like Nora Roberts a lot, too. She goes backwards and forwards between mystery and romance.”

  What response can Tina expect? First she makes a mistake by asking a closed introductory question (she was just lucky that he volunteered more); then the last thing out of her mouth is a series of statements, not questions. Tina was on track with her second query, a why question, but then she ignored the free information that he gave her in reply, and went on to talk about herself. If she’d been paying attention, she would have followed up with, “What is it that keeps you so busy?” then looked for pointers in his answer that would have led to further conversation. Or she could have said, “Tell me about your hectic life,” or “Well, what do you think of Grisham so far?”

  By now I’ve drummed into your head that occasion/location statements, open questions, pointers, feedback, paying attention, and “Me too” triggers are the staples of conversation. But it’s going to take something more to sail you smoothly into conversation and chemistry. There’s one really powerful tool that we haven’t yet mentioned that you can use to make someone feel comfortable, help the conversation flow, and create chemistry. It’s called synchronizing, and it’s arguably the most powerful of all the rapport skills.

  Getting in Synch

  Have you ever noticed that couples who feel comfortable in each other’s company tend to speak and sit the same way? They lean, nod, and readjust their position the same way; talk at the same speed, volume, and pitch; and use a lot of the same words and phrases. What they’re doing is synchronizing with each other, a process that produces and reinforces the kind of natural harmony and trust that’s a prerequisite for emotional intimacy. Perhaps they both speak in quiet tones, leaning toward each other with their arms resting on the dining table, picking up each other’s rhythms and nods and smiles—basically reflecting one another.

  Let’s look at an example. I was thrilled to receive this note from a professional woman who had purchased my first book, though it wasn’t the kind of book she normally went for. (“Somehow it just leaped out at me and I bought it.”) In the moments before she left for a first date, she’d read through the section on synchronizing. Here are her words: “After dinner we went to a concert, and I focused on synchronizing his body language during the second half of the concert. Much to my surprise, sexual sparks started flying toward me … and I later found out that the sparks were mutual. He told me that he found me seductive. The truth is, what he found seductive was the synchronization!” Sexual sparks—sounds like chemistry to me.

  If you look back at Michelle’s interaction with Brad at the ski shop in chapter 6, what she was doing was synchronizing his body language: When he moved into a certain position, she easily and naturally did the same. When we’re feeling comfortable, most of us do this naturally. But Michelle wasn’t only synchronizing with Brad; she was taking it a stage further and using her own body language to lead Brad into a more comfortable state. Go back to page 160 and read the anecdote again to see how smoothly she did it.

  Matching and Mirroring

  Synchronizing includes matching, which means doing the same thing as the other person (she moves her left hand, you move your left hand) and mirroring, which means, as it implies, you move as though you were watching the other person in a mirror (he moves his left hand, you move your right). You’ll tend to use matching when you’re sitting or walking next to someone, and mirroring when you’re facing him or her. Synchronizing doesn’t mean mimicking, however. This isn’t a game of Monkey See, Monkey Do. Your movements must be subtle and respectful. If your conversational partner is facing you across a table at the little French bistro and leans onto her right elbow, you lean on your left elbow—mirror image. If you’re both leaning against the rail on the ferryboat admiring the sunset and she rests on her elbows and crosses her legs, you do the same—matching. If you’re sitting side by side at a concert or a movie and she leans in toward you, you lean in toward her. These are the kinds of nonverbal signals you’ll be relying on a great deal to accelerate feelings of comfort and closeness as you get emotionally intimate with your matched opposite.

  Synchronizing doesn’t mean mimicking. Your movements must be subtle and respectful.

  Maybe you’re thinking, “But won’t other people notice that I’m copying their behavior?” Actually, they won’t, unless the copying is blatant. If someone sticks a finger in his ear and you do the same, then yes, he’ll probably notice that. But when a person is focused on a conversation, he or she will not pick up on sensitive synchronizing. So-called socially gifted people synchronize with others naturally all the time without thinking. Just do the minimum necessary to feel it working—and you certainly will.

  Think of synchronizing as you and the other person each rowing your own boat, but doing so in tandem, side by side. You point your boats in the same direction, and pick up on each other’s pace, stroke, breathing pattern, point of view, and body movements in order to maintain the same speed and course. Eventually, as Michelle did, you’ll be able to use these to lead the other person where you want him or her to go.

  You can synchronize any or all of the following—and the more the better:

  • Body position and movements

  • Head tilts

  • Facial expressions

  • Mental attitude

  • Tone and volume of voice

  • Rate of speech (speaking faster/slower)

  • Breathing

  The Hunt for Common Ground

  While “Me too” moments enhance closeness, and synchronizing body language enhances trust and chemistry, the realization that two people share things in common (favorite movies, vacation places, restaurants, TV shows, sports, hobbies) makes them feel that they already know and understand quite a lot about each other and can find plenty to talk about in a more relaxed and natural way. If they decide to date, it also helps them choose events and activities that will be enjoyable and memorable for both of them.<
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  Relieving the Pressure

  Iwas able to demonstrate the incredible usefulness of discovering common ground to several hundred thousand people when I appeared on a CBS television special about speed dating. In case you aren’t familiar with it, speed dating began as a way for Jewish singles to meet each other. In one evening, participants meet seven people of the opposite sex in individual one-on-one conversations for seven minutes each. If a person feels that he would like to see one of his dates again, he simply writes yes on a secret ballot; if both people feel this way, the organization puts them in touch. There are now countless variations on this idea.

  On this particular show, a young woman had three “speed dates” with three different bachelors. To make it more exciting, the participants were given only 60 seconds to strut their stuff. My job was to advise and guide them as the show progressed. The first bachelor, a well-dressed and well-meaning fellow, spent his 60 seconds nervously avoiding eye contact, hardly ever managed a smile, and kept his heart pointed away from the woman—and he did all the talking to boot. The second willing lothario implemented the suggestions I gave him about eye contact, smiling, and body language, and asked his partner questions to get her talking. This was clearly progress, and the studio audience could definitely sense the improvement.

  My main suggestion to the third bachelor was to follow the previous guy’s lead, but also find some interest he and the woman shared in common. He succeeded big time. Within 15 seconds they discovered they both enjoyed skydiving. The sense of relief was enormous. Their body language relaxed, they smiled a lot and had tons to talk about. What was probably most palpable was the reaction from the studio audience. They collectively synchronized with the connected couple, leaning forward, looking enthusiastic, and smiling among themselves.

  EXERCISE: Synchronizing Your Way to Great Rapport

  Of all the exercises in this book, the next one is the easiest to learn, and without a doubt, the most powerful when it comes to helping you put another person at ease. It’s also one of the best ways to recover from a less than perfect first impression and restore comfort and trust.

  A word of warning here: Time and again people come up to me when I give speeches and say they’d tried out this exercise after hearing me describe it in a previous talk, and had started to crack up laughing when they realized how easy it was to make it work. Put on your poker face!

  Here’s the story: In my workshops I invite a volunteer onto the stage and ask him or her to sit in one of two chairs that are facing each other about seven feet apart. Once the person has taken his seat, I sit down in the other seat and mirror his position. If his legs are crossed, I cross mine; if he’s leaning slightly sideways, I do the same thing—mirror style. If he nods slightly and smiles, I do the same. We’re in synch, and it’s natural. Then I ask him to stand and lean on the chair in any way that’s comfortable. He does so and I do the same—and that’s natural too. From there we chat for five or ten seconds, then I’ll fold my arms and guess what? He folds his, too.

  I’ll cross my legs and guess what? He crosses his, too—and the audience laughs because they notice it, even though he doesn’t. We are in the zone—synchronized, relaxed, and trusting.

  Part 1: Synchronize Body Language

  For one day, make it a point to synchronize the overall body language of the people you meet. You don’t have to let on what you’re up to, just enjoy the experience. With each person, be aware of their shoulders, arms, legs, and torso and begin with the bigger movements—crossing arms or legs, leaning forward or back, etc. This is the fastest way to build trust and communication. Just remember not to overdo it. Do as little as you need to adjust to the other person.

  Part 2: Make and Break Synchronizing

  Once you become good at synchronizing overall body language—and one day should make you an expert—practice synchronizing with someone for about 30 seconds, and then breaking synchronization for 30 seconds (stop matching and mirroring the person, and use your body and voice differently from the way they’re using theirs), then resynchronizing. Go through the cycle a few times. You’ll be able to feel the trust, concentration, and intimacy level drop significantly as you break synchronization, and return in a big way when you resynchronize.

  Conversation: The Original Information Society

  It is through conversation that relationships take root and blossom. It is through conversation and chemistry that enduring romantic relationships take root, blossom, and bear fruit. When chemistry is absent, no matter how valiant the effort, it’s still an uphill and often useless battle.

  When you meet someone by chance or design for the first time in an open field, you should be able to find at least three things you have in common in the first minute or so, just by asking open questions, paying attention, and following pointers. In a social, safe, closed field it’s even easier because you can freely add tags to your introduction and get more free information; shake hands or hug in greeting; and ask more personal questions about holidays, movies, food, traveling, clothing, music, family, sports, books, or what have you.

  As kids we were terrific at bugging our parents and teachers with questions: “What’s this?” “What’s that?” As we grow up, the instinctive curiosity we were born with, and that got us into so much trouble when we were kids, gets rusty. Dust it off, reinvigorate it, and develop your natural curiosity. Pay attention to the world around you. Find out what makes people tick; ask for their opinion (“What do you think about that new coffee shop that opened on Main Street?”); read the paper; stay up-to-date on current events so you can give your opinion (or better still, ask for theirs) on sports, the headlines, the hot travel destinations, the new polar bear at the zoo. Offer sincere compliments about the other person’s tie, jewelry, after-shave, or whatever, then ask where they bought it. If the other person isn’t willing to put in the effort to match your conversation level, you are not matched. If you can’t find at least three upbeat things in common, it’s selection/rejection time and you should seriously consider moving along to someone else.

  Practice your conversation skills and become comfortable with open questions, paying attention, giving quality feedback, following pointers, looking for free information, and hunting for common ground. Make synchronizing body language and voice tone second nature in your romantic adventures and you’ll find yourself natural and relaxed as you meet more and more people and chemistry starts to flow.

  Now that you know how to fan the flames of conversation and synchronize for chemistry, we’re going to ramp up your chemistry several notches and explore the fireworks of flirting.

  9

  the art of flirting

  Flirting is more than just fun—it’s fundamental. Our entire survival as a species depends on human connection. If we stopped flirting, falling in love, and reproducing we’d soon disappear. But even though nature has endowed us with all the necessary parts we need to save ourselves from extinction, not everyone knows how to use them to their best advantage. This is particularly true when it comes to flirting.

  Charlene, a manager with a large clothing chain, and Kira, a physiotherapist, arrive at the popular nightclub Zest early enough to get a table in the middle of the action, with a great view of the bar and the dance floor. Pretty soon the crowds wander in and the place fills up. Both women are fashionably dressed and look like they belong here. As Charlene talks to Kira, she scans the room and fiddles with some loose strands of her hair. Every couple of minutes she wiggles her body and, from time to time, puts her elbows on the table and rests her head on her hands, pouting and making eyes at the male prospects at the bar. Charlene thinks she’s being sexy, but she’s not. She’s doing what a lot of people, both male and female, do when they are out on the prowl: She’s confusing being sexy with being cute. In fact, her actions only make her look insecure and childish, giving off immature energy.

  Kira, on the other hand, looks poised and composed. Most of the time she sits quietly, her head lo
wered ever so slightly but not so much that she loses eye contact, with Charlene. Occasionally, as she sips her drink, her eyes will peer over the top of the glass and she’ll slowly take in the room. In fact, if you watch closely, Kira seems to be operating at half the speed of Charlene. She looks confident and secure and is giving off grown-up sexual energy.

  Now Kira has spotted Harvey, a guy she recently saw at a party but never properly met. She’d been close enough that evening to overhear him talking about sailing in the Bahamas, and had thought he was attractive and interesting (Kira loves sailing). And now here he is with a couple of other guys, leaning against the bar. Kira keeps him in her peripheral vision and waits for him to turn in her direction.

  As soon as he does, Kira counts to three, excuses herself, gets up from the table, and saunters toward the stairs up to the balcony, right past Harvey and his friends, hips subtly swaying, head slightly down. (Why the lowered head? Because we humans seem to be more intrigued by coyness than brashness.) Then Kira’s eyes fix on her target for a quick moment of contact. He sees her. The second she knows Harvey has noticed her, she looks away coyly. But before Harvey has time to react, Kira glances at him again, this time closing her eyes ever so slightly as she offers a hint of a smile. Harvey gets the message.