All I Want is You

by Patricia Mar

  12

  A New Dawn

  The door slammed loudly behind them, and Daniel pressed himself against Sara. In a blink of an eye, he had her coat open.

  Since he’d seen her when he’d arrived at her apartment to pick her up, he had done nothing but think about taking off that dress. The thought had been so vivid in his mind that he’d barely been able to contain himself. It had been impossible to put out that fire and when they’d finally got to his apartment, nothing could prevent him from devouring her with kisses.

  Sara looked at him. Her breath had become laboured and she stretched out a hand to caress his chin, which was covered in light stubble that tickled her face. He had to have her or he would go mad. Sara obeyed his secret command and began to free herself from her coat and jacket and loosen his tie. Daniel took her by the waist and pulled her to him, plunging his tongue into her mouth, which was waiting to welcome him. He savoured her, slowly at first and then with more determination while his body began to move as if it were in some frenzied dance.

  “I want you,” he sighed when he managed to get his breath back.

  “So what are you waiting for ?” moaned Sara.

  Daniel’s fingers pulled the dress off her shoulders and his lips devoured the skin that was exposed, licking it, tasting its delicate flavour and taking in its fragrance. He did the same with her other shoulder, then he gently turned her round and pulled down the zipper slowly until he had uncovered her back, while she waited impatiently. The dress slipped to the floor, leaving her clad in only her black lace underwear. Daniel swallowed hard and brought his face close to Sara’s, she was still standing with her back to him.

  In a hoarse voice, he whispered into her ear, “Did you choose this lace for me?”

  She could barely manage to answer. “Just for you.”

  He bent down to kiss her back, where her curves were waiting for him to run his imperious mouth over them while his hands worked their magic. Hands that knew how to explore, tease, torment and play with Sara. Her body arched with every stroke, every time, eager to be satisfied. Daniel quickly undressed her, unhooking her bra, which fell to the floor. He turned her round and started kissing her breasts, devouring them, while she buried her hands in his hair, closing her eyes to savour the sensations. He would have taken her right there in the doorway but then he leaned back to admire her panties and suspenders, and decided to pick her up and carry her into the bedroom.

  The tantalising preliminaries had created just the right conditions for a hot, steamy night. He wanted to be more daring, he wanted to give and to receive powerful emotions, give vent to the passion that hammered in his chest. He wanted to worship her like a goddess. Sara vibrated in his hands – she was like a tightrope, ready for him when they lay down on the bed. Time stopped, all thoughts vanished, his heart seemed to stop beating. Intense waves of pleasure washed over them, while the two of them whispered words of love, their tightly entwined bodies moving as one in harmonious rhythm.

  *

  When Sara opened her eyes, she saw that Daniel’s bedroom was shrouded in the vague light of dawn and that the sun was just beginning to show its face, casting faint shadows on the walls. She rubbed her eyes, sat up and turned to admire Daniel, who was sleeping on his stomach, his hands gripping the pillow. His naked back was such an invitation for her lips and her hands. Sara would have liked to have more of him – she always felt that she wanted more and more of him. But it was better to let him rest. After all, she knew all too well that when he woke up he would claim her as his and would have her again. An impertinent smile appeared on her lips.

  Suddenly, though, a low rumbling noise distracted her from her lewd thoughts – her stomach. Trying not to make any noise, she decided to get up. Walking on tiptoe, she went to the chair and took from it the shirt that Daniel had been wearing the night before. She lifted it to her face and, after smelling the perfume it gave off, she smiled and put it on. She left the room, hoping that Spank would stay in her basket. She went into the kitchen and, feeling hungry, began to look for the biscuits she had bought the week before. She loved dark chocolate, it was like a drug for her.

  When she eventually found them, she sat down and bit into one, savouring its fragrance and pungent taste. She smiled until her eyes came to rest on a large bundle of papers several centimetres thick. She reached out and read the words on the front page: Down In The Valley by Carol Pernell. She frowned and began to leaf through it, forgetting about the biscuits.

  What was it? A film script, maybe?

  How strange. In Daniel’s kitchen there was the screenplay of a film in English. Looking at it again, Sara realised that, hidden between the pages, there was a letter, dated three days ago. She knew that what she was doing wasn’t really right, but Daniel had repeatedly told her that this was her house, and if he had thought it appropriate to keep this a secret, he wouldn’t have left the papers lying around. Surely he wouldn’t mind if she had a look. The letter was signed Marc Casiraghi, Daniel’s new agent.

  ‘Daniel, here’s the screenplay of the film I was telling you about two weeks ago. Read it and remember that this is the greatest opportunity you’ve ever been offered. Hollywood wants you, the appointment with the producer is set for mid-January. Tony’s thrilled to have you on board. He loved your adverts. So enough of your scruples and stop being influenced by your sentimental situation in regard to your professional choices. I’m sure your girlfriend will understand.’

  Marc continued in the same tone, but Sara could no longer read any more of it. A weight had fallen on her heart, crushing it and reducing it to pulp. A lump in her throat made breathing difficult. She didn’t understand. Questions began to crowd her mind. Why hadn’t he said anything to her? Why had he kept silent about such an important offer for his future? For their future? He had known about it for more than two weeks, he even had an appointment with the film producer. And she, his girlfriend, knew nothing about it. What did he mean, ‘enough of your scruples, stop being influenced by your sentimental situation in regard to your professional choices. I’m sure your girlfriend will understand.’ Was she somehow negatively influencing him? Directing him to make the wrong choices? It hadn’t occurred to her – if she’d done so, she honestly hadn’t been aware of it.

  Conflicting emotions began to chase each other through her mind: displeasure, frustration, anger, and then displeasure again, disappointment, fear. Maybe she was over reacting, maybe that script just wasn’t something Daniel cared about and that was why he hadn’t told her about it. She was lying to herself, though, and she was aware of it. Sara always told him about her day, even the most banal things. Every little detail was still important if she could share it with him and she didn’t feel embarrassed about how normal her life was. Daniel was famous. He had a life full of interesting acquaintances, success and fame, he had the world at his feet, and she saw herself as being so small in comparison… And yet, he’d wanted her anyway, and Sara thanked heaven every day for it. Daniel was her prize, and not because he was rich, handsome or famous, but because he was hopelessly sweet, self-assured and fragile at the same time, affectionate, possessive and cheerful.

  For months she had been trying to stifle the little voice that sometimes came back to torment her, reminding her how different they were. It was there, inopportune and hidden away, but she had decided not to listen to it because she’d felt that Daniel was hers, and that she belonged to him, body and soul. Every problem had a solution, because they would face things together. Sara firmly believed that, which was why she was holding a harmless script in her hands. Daniel had betrayed their tacit agreement that they would be united and not allow anything to influence the microcosm they had created. This was a betrayal. Sara felt like she’d been thrown into the water without a life jacket and was in danger of drowning.

  She continued to read about the film, not realising that the minutes were ticking by and the light of dawn had filled the kitchen. She didn’t even hear the faint steps of bare
feet nearby. Only when she felt someone looking at her did she raise her eyes to meet those of Daniel.

  They sat in silence.

  Daniel was wearing a pair of boxers and his hair was ruffled.

  “I woke up, you weren’t there, so…” he mumbled, almost as if to justify himself.

  “I was hungry.”

  She took a biscuit and bit into it. Daniel walked over to her, then looked at the script and sighed. “I would have told you about it sooner or later.”

  “Hopefully before leaving for Los Angeles,” she said harshly.

  Daniel sat down in front of her. “I don’t want to accept it.”

  “Your agent says it’s a great opportunity for you.”

  “I know, he’s been trying to convince me for days.”

  “Days… weeks… You’ve had all this time to tell me about it.”

  “I didn’t know how to,” he admitted, running his fingers through his hair. He felt uncomfortable.

  “All you had to do was just tell me, Daniel. Nothing would have happened, but at least I wouldn’t have been…”

  “Wouldn’t have been…?”

  “Put to one side in your life, in your decisions. I’ve no intention of a burden on you,” said Sara, her eyes starting to smart. But she wouldn’t allow herself to cry. It was the wrong time, because she was absolutely certain that precise moment could quite easily be a turning point in their relationship.

  Daniel grabbed Sara’s hand. “You’re not, don’t ever think that.”

  “But you kept something so important from me. We should be able to talk to each other easily. We spend a lot of time apart, I need to be able to trust you.”

  Daniel looked at her seriously. “Not having told you about this stupid film can’t possibly have undermined your trust in me.”

  Sara couldn’t sit still, a strange frenzy seemed to have taken possession of her. She stood up. “No, no, of course not, but I wonder… if you can’t talk to me about something like that, how many other things could you keep silent about? I tell you everything about myself, even the most trivial, because at the end of the day it’s important for me to be happy, to know that you will be there to listen to me, even if it’s only by phone or on Skype. But by the look of things, it’s not the same for you.”

  “Don’t talk nonsense,” said Daniel, standing up and going over to her. He placed his hands on her shoulders.

  “It’s not nonsense, it’s the truth. You’ve hurt me. I know that you didn’t do it on purpose, but it’s happened. Did you think I wouldn’t understand the situation? Were you worried I would have prevented you from accepting, the way your agent thinks I would?”

  “Of course not, damn it.” He let her go and took a deep breath. “I didn’t tell you about it because I’m not sure that I want to accept it. I’m not an actor, I’m a model, not some professional of the big screen.”

  “I understand what you’re saying, but what does that have to do with us? With sincerity?”

  “I didn’t lie to you.”

  “Keeping quiet about something and knowing that you have is even worse.”

  Daniel didn’t reply.

  “‘If I act, Sara will be proud of me, she will be happy if I’m happy’… that was all you should have been thinking and that was why you should have told me. I would have supported you in your decision, I wouldn’t have interfered. Not any more… I learned my lesson last time.”

  “It wasn’t a big sacrifice for me to refuse to pose naked, you know. I understood why it upset you, and didn’t want to make you suffer. There was no reason to do it and now we’re together.” He took hold of her hand again. “Or at least, that was what I thought.”

  A sense of guilt clouded Sara’s face and she found herself pushing back the tears for a second time.

  “I was afraid,” Daniel said hesitantly.

  “Afraid?”

  “Yes, I was afraid you might have doubts again about us. If I accepted, we would be apart for a long time, I would have to move abroad for a few months. And you would stay here.”

  Sara nodded. “Yes, I suppose so,” she replied, realising the possible consequences.

  “We haven’t been together that long and you’ve been asking yourself questions about our relationship for a long time. I don’t blame you. My reputation hangs over me like a shadow sometimes, and trying to create some normality in all this damn mess is not easy.”

  “And that’s exactly the reason that we must talk.”

  It was at that moment that the words Daniel’s mother had said to her in the restaurant came back to her. She must have known.

  “And that’s what we are doing, right now.”

  “Yes, but only because I found this.” She pointed to the script on the table.

  “Like I said, I would have told you about it, I just needed time to reflect.”

  She still didn’t understand. Did he want to think about things on his own? After all, it was his right, she certainly couldn’t deny that. Perhaps Sara had to accept that, perhaps, by being his fiancée, and later on his wife, meant that she had to accept this kind of thing – that some of their worries would be unshared. She was no longer sure she wanted to continue the conversation, and she was no longer sure she was completely right. It was a fine line between right and wrong, and that was something they had both experienced in other relationships. Were they then destined to walk that thin line, forever hoping that they wouldn’t fall off?

  “The real problem isn’t the fact of you going away or not, but the fact that if we aren’t sincere with each other, if there is no complicity between us, we risk not passing the test. This is what’s troubling me.”

  Daniel stared sadly into space while Sara continued to let off steam.

  “When I agreed to marry you, I realised that I had to learn to live with all my doubts, that I had to accept things about your job that were completely alien to me, and that might hurt me. But to have you in my life, I was – and I am – willing to try. I won’t always be able to be clear headed about things, I won’t always be the perfect wife. I’ll make mistakes, I will insist on having my way about some stupid things and be convinced that I’m right, but I will love you with all of myself. I can’t promise you that I will never be frightened or irritated, but I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to be the right woman for you. I’ll try and control my insecurities and I won’t behave like a spoiled little girl, because you are worth more than any of those doubts. You are my life.”

  “God, Sara, I love you so much.” He hugged her and held her close to him, surprising her with the intensity of that spontaneous gesture. His warmth enveloped her and dissipated her sadness. Their bodies were intertwined and once again they were a single person. But there was still much to do – their problems weren’t completely solved. Theirs would be a path that had to be walked in baby steps, but they would be baby steps they took together. Sara hoped that Daniel would understand how important that was.

  “I was wrong to keep quiet. It was stupid of me. I want you to be with me in this thing. I want to let off steam with you, I want to know what you think. I want to read the script with you, and refuse with you, if that’s what we decide. Sara, I need you. I need you so much that I’m afraid of losing you, of not being able to stay as close to you as you deserve. I’m terrified that you will turn away from me.”

  This time Sara allowed her tears to flow freely.

  “Don’t cry, my love, please,” said Daniel, smiling at her with an affectionate expression on his face. “I was the one who made you cry and I’m so sorry.”

  “I’m crying for you and for me, because we are so much in love that we’ll drive each other crazy, and we’re frightened at the idea of losing ourselves.” She stroked his cheek and her eyes told him what she felt. “Let’s not allow unspoken words to hurt us, Daniel – it’s always better to have a good argument than to have silence.”

  “You’re right.”

  “And arguing has its advan
tages,” said Sara, trying to make a joke out of it.

  “What advantages?”

  “Well, after an argument we can always make up. And what’s the best way to make up?”

  “I think I might have guessed what you’re talking about…”

  Sara smiled mischievously, and Daniel gazed at her lovingly, enjoying the vision of her wearing only his shirt. He smiled at her just as eloquently and kissed her – one of those passionate kisses of his which were capable of completely destroying her weak defences. But as everyone knows, in love, walls are only made to be knocked down. Still kissing her, he lifted her up into his arms and took her back to the bedroom to make up.

  They left the script and their sorrows in the kitchen and for a while they forgot the reason for their newfound desire.

  13

  A Blast from the Past

  A cap on his head, three day’s growth of stubble on his chin and clad in a baggy jacket, Daniel was right behind her, pushing the trolley that was full almost to the brim.

  “More biscuits, Sara!” he scolded with a smile as he glanced at his watch. They had been in the supermarket for almost forty-five minutes.

  “I have to stock up for the winter and for when you’ll be away and I have to compensate for my loneliness with some healthy chocolate. Chocolate is a women’s best friend, didn’t you know that?”

  If you were coming with me you wouldn’t need so much chocolate, Daniel wanted to reply, but he managed to stop himself, only commenting, “Chocolate’s just a substitute for sex!”

  Sara turned round and gestured for him to lower his voice. “Shhh, everyone’ll hear you!”

  Cheekily, he spoke more loudly. “Sara, no chocolate is ever going to take the place of sex between us!”

  Laughing, Sara grabbed him and put her hand over his mouth to shut him up.

  “Be quiet, you idiot, I come here to do my shopping every week!”