What Life Could Mean to You

by Alfred Adler

  “I recall distinctly that mother told everyone how lonely she was on our first day at school. She said, I ran out to the gate many times that afternoon and looked for the girls. I just thought they would never come.'

  “Here is a description of the mother; and a description which does not show her behaving very intelligently. It is the girl's portrait of her mother. "Thought we should never come "— the mother was obviously affectionate, and the girls knew of her affection; but at the same time she was anxious and tense. If we could speak to this girl, she could tell us more of the mother's preference for the younger sister. Such a preference would not astonish us, for the youngest child is almost always pampered. From the whole of this first memory, I should conclude that the older of the two sisters felt hindered through the rivalry of the younger. In later life we should expect to find marks of jealousy and fear of competition. It would not surprise us to find her disliking women younger than herself. Some people feel too old all through their lives, and many jealous women feel inferior towards members of their own sex who are younger than they.

  2. " My earliest recollection is of my grandfather's funeral, when I was three years of age." This is a girl writing. She is deeply impressed with the fact of death. What does this mean? She has seen death as the greatest insecurity in life, the greatest danger. She drew out of the events that happened to her in her childhood the moral, “Grandfather can die."

  We shall probably find that she was a favorite of her grandfather and he spoiled her. Grandparents nearly always spoil their grandchildren. They have less responsibility towards them than parents, and often they wish to attach the children to themselves and show that they can still gain affection. Our culture does not make it any too easy for old people to feel convinced of their worth and sometimes they seek to be convinced through easy means — through querulousness, for example. Here we are inclined to believe that the grandfather spoiled this girl when she was a baby and that it was his pampering that fixed him so deeply in her memory. When he died, she felt it as a great blow. A subject and ally had been taken away.

  “I remember so vividly seeing him in his coffin, lying there so still and white." I am not sure that it is a good procedure to let a child of three years see a dead man. At least it would be better to prepare the child beforehand. Children have often told me that they had been deeply impressed by the sight of someone who had died and could never forget it. This girl has not forgotten it. Such children strive to diminish or overcome the danger of death. Often their ambition is to become a doctor. They feel that a doctor is better trained than others to fight against death. If a doctor is asked for his first memory, it will often include some remembrance of death. "Lying in the coffin so white and still"— a memory of something visible. Probably this girl is a visual type, interested in looking at the world.

  “Then at the grave, as the casket was lowered, I recall those straps being pulled out from underneath the rough box." Again she tells us what she saw; and we are confirmed in our guess that she is a visual type. "This experience seems to have left me with a trembling fear at the mention of any of my relations, friends or acquaintances who have passed to the other life beyond."

  Again we can notice that great impression left on her by death. If I had an opportunity of speaking to her, I should ask, “What would you like to be later in life?” and perhaps she would answer, “A doctor." If she made no answer or avoided the question, then I myself would suggest, “Wouldn't you like to be a doctor or a nurse?” When she mentions " the other life beyond”, we can see one type of compensation for the fear of death. What we have learned from her memory as a whole is that her grandfather was friendly to her, that she is a visual type, and that death plays a great role in her mind. The meaning she has drawn from life is, “We must all die." This is undoubtedly true; but we shall not find everybody with the same chief interest. There are other points that can occupy our attention.

  3. " When I was three years old, my father..." Right at the beginning her father occurs. We can suppose that this girl was more interested in her father than her mother. An interest in the father is always a second phase of development. At first a child is more interested in the mother, since in the first year or two the cooperation with the mother is very close. The child needs the mother and is attached to her; all the child's psychic strivings are bound up with the mother. If the child turns to the father, the mother has lost the game. The child is not satisfied with its situation. This is generally the result of the birth of a younger child. If we hear in this recollection that there is a younger child, our guess will be confirmed.

  “My father purchased for us a pair of ponies." There is more than one child, and we are interested to hear about the other. " He brought them by the halters to the house. My sister, who was three years older than I . . ." We must revise our interpretation. We had expected this girl to be the older sister, and she proves to be the younger. Perhaps the older sister was the mother's favorite, and it is for this reason that the girl mentions her father and the present of the two ponies.

  “My sister took one strap and led her pony triumphantly down the street." Here is a triumph for the older sister. "My own pony, hurrying after the other, went too fast for me "— these are the consequences when her sister takes the lead!—" and trailed me face downward in the dirt. It was an ignominious end to an experience which had been gloriously anticipated." The sister has conquered, she has scored a point. We can be quite sure that this girl means, “If I am not careful, my older sister will always win. I am always being defeated, I am always in the dirt. The only way to be safe is to be first." We can understand, also, that the older sister had triumphed with the mother; and that this was the reason why the younger sister turned to her father."

  The fact that I later surpassed my sister as a horse woman has never mellowed this disappointment in the least." All our suppositions are now confirmed. We can see what a race there had been between the two sisters. The younger felt, “I am always at the back, I must try to get ahead. I must surpass the others." This is the type I have described, so common among second children or youngest children, which always ha % a pacemaker for itself, and is always trying to overtake the pacemaker. This girl's memory reinforces her attitude. It says to her, “If anyone is ahead of me I am endangered. I must always be the first."

  4. " My earliest recollections are of being taken to parties and other social events by my oldest sister, who was about eighteen when I was born." This girl remembers herself as a part of society; perhaps we shall find in this memory a higher degree of cooperation than in the others. Her sister, eighteen years older, had taken the part of a mother to her. She was the member of the family who spoiled her most; but she seems to have spread the child's interest to others in a very intelligent fashion.

  “Since my sister was the only girl in a family of four boys until my arrival, she was naturally pleased to show me off." This sounds by no means so good as we thought. When a child is " shown off”, it may become interested in being appreciated, instead of in contributing. " She therefore took me about when I was comparatively young. The only thing I can remember about these parties is that I was continually urged to say something; Tell the lady your name ', and so on." A mistaken method of education — we should not be surprised to find that this girl stammered or had speech difficulties. When a child stammers, it is generally because too great an interest was shown in its speech. Instead of communicating with others naturally and without stress, it was taught to be self-conscious and to look for appreciation.

  “I can also remember that I would say nothing and was invariably scolded when I reached home, so that I came to hate to go out and meet people." Our interpretation must be altogether revised. We can see now that the meaning behind her first memory is, “I was brought into contact with other people, but I found it unpleasant. Because of these experiences, I have hated such cooperation ever since." We should expect, therefore, that even now she dislikes meeting people. We should ex
pect to find her embarrassed and self-conscious with them, believing that it is necessary for her to shine, and feeling that this demand is too heavy. She has trained away from ease and equality among her fellow beings.

  5. " One big event stands out in my early childhood. When I was about four years old my great-grandmother came to visit us." We have seen that a grandmother usually spoils her grandchildren: but how a great grandmother treats them we have not yet experienced. " While she was visiting us we had a four-generation picture taken." This girl is very much interested in her pedigree. Because she remembers so strongly the visit of her great grandmother and the picture that was taken, we can probably conclude that she is very much bound up in her family. If we are right, we shall discover that her ability to cooperate does not go beyond the limits of her family circle.

  “I clearly remember driving to another town and having my dress changed to a white embroidered one after we arrived at the photographer's." Perhaps this girl too is a visual type. "Before having the four-generation picture taken, my brother and I had ours taken." Again we come across the interest in the family. Her brother is a part of the family and we shall probably hear more of her relations with him. "He was placed on the arm of a chair beside me and was given a bright red ball to hold." Here again she remembers visible things. "I stood by the side of the chair and was given nothing to hold." Now we see the main striving of this girl. She says to herself that her brother is preferred to her. We might guess that she felt it disagreeable when her younger brother came and took away her position of being the youngest and most pampered. "We were told to smile." She means, “They tried to make me smile, but what did I have to smile about? They put my brother on a throne and gave him a bright red ball; but what did they give to me?”

  “Then came the four-generation picture. Everybody tried to look their best but me. I would not smile." She is aggressive against her family because her family is not good enough to her. In this first memory she has not for gotten to inform us how her family treated her. "My brother smiled so nicely when asked to smile. He was so cute. To this day I detest having my picture taken." Such remembrances give us a good insight into the way most of us meet life. We take one impression and use it to justify a whole series of actions. We draw consequences from it and act as if the consequences were obvious facts. Clearly enough, she had a disagreeable time when this photograph was taken. She still detests having her picture taken. We shall generally find that anyone who dislikes something as much as this chooses a reason for his dislike, selects something from his experiences to bear the whole burden of justifying it. This first memory has given us two main clues to the personality of the writer. First, she is a visual type; second, and still more important, she is bound to her family. The whole action of her first memory is placed within the family circle. She is probably not well adapted for social life.

  6. " One of my earliest recollections, if not the earliest, is an incident which happened when I was about three and a half years old. A girl who worked for my parents had taken my cousin and me down in the cellar and given us a taste of cider. We liked it very much." It is an interesting experience to discover that we have cellars with cider in them. This was a journey of exploration. If we had to make our conclusions already, we might guess one of two things. Perhaps this girl likes to meet new circumstances and is courageous in her approach to life. Perhaps, on the other hand, she means that there are people with stronger wills who can seduce us and lead us astray. The rest of the memory will help us to decide. "A little later we determined that we should like another taste, so we proceeded to help ourselves." This is a courageous girl. She wants to be independent. "In due time my legs failed me in their powers of locomotion, and the cellar was rather damp as we had allowed all of the cider to run out on the floor." Here we see the making of g prohibitionist! "I do not know if this incident has anything to do with my dislike for cider and other intoxicating beverages." One small incident is again made the reason for a whole attitude to life. If we consider it with common sense, we cannot see that the incident was sufficiently weighty to lead to such a conclusion. This girl, however, has secretly taken it as reason enough to dislike intoxicating beverages. We shall probably find that she was a person who understood how to learn from her mistakes.

  Probably she is really independent and likes to improve if she is in the wrong. This trait may characterize her whole life. It is as if she said, “I make mistakes, but when I see they are mistakes I correct them." If this is so, she will be a very good type: active, courageous in her striving, improving her situation and looking always for the best way of living. In all these instances we are doing no more than training ourselves in the art of guessing; and before we could be sure that our conclusions were right we should need to see the many other expressions of the personality. Let us now take some cases from practice, where the coherence of the personality in all of its expressions could be seen. A man of thirty-five came to me suffering from anxiety neurosis.

  He felt anxiety only when he was away from home. From time to time he was compelled to secure a job; but as soon as he was put in an office he would moan and cry all day and stop only when he came back at night and sat at home with his mother. When asked for his first memory he said, “I remember at four years of age sitting at home close by the window, looking out on the street and being interested to see the people working there." He wants to see others work; he himself wants only to sit by the window and watch them. If his condition is to be changed, we can do it only by freeing him from the belief that he cannot cooperate in the work of others. So far he has thought that the only way to live was to be supported by others. We must change his whole outlook. We shall accomplish nothing by reproaching him. We cannot convince him by medicines or gland extracts. His first memory, however, makes it easier for us to suggest work which will interest him. His main interest is in looking. We find out that he has suffered from near sightedness; and, because of this disadvantage, he gave more attention to visible things.

  When he started to meet the problem of occupation he wanted to go on looking, not to work; but the two are not necessarily contradictions. When he was cured, he found an occupation which lay along the line of this main interest. He opened an art shop and in this way he was able to contribute in his own degree to our division of labor.

  A man of thirty-two came for treatment, suffering from hysterical aphasia. He could not speak above a whisper. This condition had lasted for two years. It began when he slipped one day on a banana skin and fell against the window of a taxi. He vomited for two days and had migraine afterwards. No doubt he had concussion of the brain; but since there were no organic changes in the throat, the concussion is not enough to explain why he is unable to speak. For eight weeks he was completely speechless. His accident is now a court matter; but the case is not closed.

  He attributes the accident entirely to the taxi driver and is suing the company for compensation. We ran understand that he is in a much better situation with his lawsuit if he can show some disability. We need not say that he is dishonest; but he has no great stimulus to speak loudly. Perhaps he really found it difficult to speak after the shock of his accident and he has not seen a reason for changing.

  The patient had seen a throat specialist but the specialist found nothing wrong. Asked for his first memory, he tells us, “I was hanging in the cradle, lying on my back. I remember seeing the hook pull out. The cradle fell and I was badly hurt." Nobody likes to fall, but this man overemphasizes falling. He concentrates on the dangers of falling. It is his chief interest. "The door opened when I fell and my mother came in and was horrified." He had gained his mother's attention by his fall; but the memory is also a reproach,—" She did not take good enough care of me." In the same way the taxi driver was at fault and the company who owned the taxi. None of them took sufficient care of him. This is the style of life of a pampered child: he tries to make others responsible. His next memory tells the same story. "At the age of five I fell twenty
feet with a heavy board on top of me. For five or more minutes I was unable to speak." This man is very skillful in losing his speech. He is trained for it and makes falling a reason for refusing to speak. We cannot see it as a reason; but he seems to see it so. He is experienced in this method; and, now, if he falls, it follows automatically that he can't speak. He can be cured if he under stands that this is a mistake: that there is no connection between falling and loss of speech: especially if he sees that after an accident he need not go about whispering for two years. In this memory, however, he shows us why it is difficult for him to understand. "My mother came out," he continues, “and looked very much excited." On both occasions his falling horrified his mother and drew her attention to him. He was a child who wanted to be pampered, to be the center of attention. We can understand how he wants to be paid for his misfortunes. Other pampered children might do the same if the same accidents happened. Probably, however, they would not hit on the device of having a speech defect. This is the trademark of our patient; it is part of the style of life he has built up out of his experiences.

  A man of twenty-six came to me complaining that he could not find a satisfactory occupation. Eight years ago he had been put in the brokerage business by his father; but he never liked it and he had recently given it up. He had tried to find other work, but he had not been successful. He complained also of sleeplessness and he had had frequent thoughts of suicide. When he threw up his work in the brokerage business, he ran away from home and found a job in another town; but a letter brought news that his mother was ill and he returned to live with the family.

  From this history we could already suspect that he had been pampered by his mother and that his father had tried to exert authority over him. We should probably find that his life was a revolt against the strictness of his father. When he was asked about his position in the family, he replied that he was the youngest child and the only boy. He had two sisters; the older of them always tried to boss him and the younger was not much different. His father continually nagged at him and he felt very deeply that he was dominated by all the family. His mother was his only friend.