Motor Matt's Mariner; or, Filling the Bill for Bunce

by Stanley R. Matthews

  JERRY STEBBINS' HOSS TRADE.

  At a recent interview with one Jeremiah Stebbins, he freed his mind inthe following choice language:

  "Everybody I've saw lately has ben a-winking and a-smirking, anda-laughing, and a-saying, 'How de dew, Jerry? how's the hoss trade?'and sich like, and I've got tired on't; and I'm a going to tell thehull story to you newspaper fellers, and let you print it and done withit.

  "You see, the way on't was this. I live up in Bucks County,Pennsylvania, and once in a while I takes a trip down to Philadelphiato see the sights, do some dickering, buy some store things, and so on.

  "I've al'ays considered myself pooty cute, and have gi'n lots o' adviceto them that's around me, telling 'em about the city, and its bigshows, and its cheating scamps, and what to do when they goes there,and how not to get took in, and all sich; and I 'spect it's jestbecause I've done all this ere that the laugh comes in agin me pootyrough-like.

  "You see there's a feller living right nigh me, named Jim Smithers,who's been down to Philadelphia four times, and every time so'thing'shappened to him in the way o' getting fooled by some o' them confoundedscamps what don't 'pear to do nothing for a living but lay around, likenasty spiders, watching for flies, to ketch some o' us country chapsby some dirty trick or other, and git hold o' some o' our hard-earneddollars to loaf around on. I ain't afeared to speak my mind about 'em,and I don't keer a goll darn if you print it, nuther, and let 'em knowthat I think they're just about as mean as mean kin be.

  "Waal, about Jim Smithers. He's pooty green yit; but the first time hewent down to the big city he was as raw as a new cabbage, and he gottook in fifteen dollars' worth on what you newspaper fellers calls thedrap game.

  "In course you know all about that ere. A feller comes up behind thecountry chap, and, all unbeknown to him, drops a pocketbook, picks itup, and tells him it's hisn. But it ain't, you know, and the countryfeller says so. Then the city scamp opens it a lettle, and it 'pears tobe stuffed full o' bank bills; and he says it's a pity that some honestman has got to lose it, 'cause he hisself's a stranger in town, andis jest a-going out ag'in, and he can't stop to advertise it, and gitthe big reward that's sartin to be offered for it; but if the countryfeller's a mind to take it, give him fifteen or twenty dollars or so,he'll let him have his chance, and so on.

  "Waal, Jim Smithers was ketched in this way, and he gin the otherfeller fifteen dollars--nigh all the money he had--and when he went toput so'thing into the _Public Ledger_ about it, and handed over one o'the bills to pay for 't, the grinning clerk told him as how he'd ben'sold,' and the money wa'n't wo'th as much as white paper. Wa'n't Jimmad, then? and didn't us fellers plague him peskily about it arter hegot home?

  "Waal, the next time Jim went to the city he got ketched in some keerdtrick, and lost a twenty-dollar bill afore he knowed it. The third timehe spent five dollars, a-buying prize packages that didn't have noprizes in 'em 'cept brass rings; and the last time some scamp ketchedhim ag'in on a hoss affair.

  "'Jim Smithers,' says I, arter he'd told me all about it, 'if I's you Iwouldn't go down to Philadelphia ag'in alone--I swon I wouldn't. Jestas like as not some critter, a-running loose in the streets, will takeyou fer a green pumpkin, and eat you all right up, so's you won't nevergit back to your mar any more,' says I.

  "'Oh, you think your darn smart, Jerry Stebbins, don't ye?' says Jimback ag'in. 'Jest you look out that you don't git ketched some day yourown self.'

  "'They've all tried me, and found me too smart for 'em,' says I.

  "'We'll see in the end,' says Jim.

  "'Bout a week or so arter that, I went down ag'in to Philadelphia.I had some arrants to do for some o' my neighbors; and I'd a notionto tend a auction sale of hosses, and if I could see any going rightcheap, I thought mebbe I might buy one on a spec--for, though I saysit myself, I'm pooty cute in a hoss trade, and have made a good manydollars afore now in fatting up some old critter and then swapping himoff and gitting boot.

  "Waal, I went to town, and, arter gitting through with my otherbusiness, I started right over to the bazaar, where they sellshosses--for I'd been there afore and knowed exactly where it was.

  "Jest as I was a-going in, I met a dressy-looking chap a-coming out;and he says to me, says he:

  "'Mister, kin you tell me where I kin buy a right good hoss pootycheap?'

  "'I couldn't, less it's in here,' says I 'for that's jest what I wantsto do myself.'

  "'Waal, I shan't buy in this here cheating place,' says he, 'for Idone that once afore, and paid a hundred dollars for a critter that Iarterward had to sell for thirty-five; and right glad I was to git thatmuch, and only lose sixty-five on the trade. If I's you I wouldn't riskno money in here.'

  "'I knows a hoss when I sees him,' says I, pooty proud, feeling myoats, 'and if anybody makes anything off o' Jerry Stebbins in a hosstrade, I hope they'll let me know.'

  "'S'pose you could pick out a good nice critter for me, Mr. Stebbins,and not get cheated in the price?' says he.

  "'I s'pose I could if I'd try,' says I.

  "'And would five dollars make you try?' says he.

  "'I guess it would,' says I.

  "'Wal, then,' says he, 'I'll give you a five-dollar bill to do it,'says he.

  "He rammed his hand into his pocket to git the money; but afore he'ddrawed it out, a slick-looking feller comes riding up on hossback, andsays to my chap, says he:

  "'Do you know anybody what wants to buy a right good hoss dirt cheap?'

  "'I dew,' says my man.

  "'How high be you willing to go?' says the hossback chap.

  "'I don't keer a darn, so's the critter's wo'th the money,' sayst'other, and he gin me a sly wink.

  "'Then I'll take you to a place where I know you'll be suited,' saysthe hossback chap.

  "'Fur from here?' axes t'other.

  "'Not more'n a mile at the outside,' says him on the hoss.

  "'Will you jest go along, 'arn the five, and see that I ain'tcheated?' says the foot feller to me, in a tone so low that t'othercouldn't hear.

  "I said I would; and then my man axed the man on the hoss for hiskeerd, which he gin him and rid away.

  "While we was a-going to the place, my feller told me that his name wasJohn Jenkins; that he'd got as much money as he keerd about having, andif he could only git a hoss to suit him, and not pay more for't than'twas wo'th, he'd be mighty pleased.

  "''Tain't 'cause I ker a darn for the money, Mr. Stebbins,' says heto me, confiding-like; 'but it's 'cause I knows as how all theseracehoss-jockey fellers takes a pride in gitting the best of everybodythey deals with, and I hates to be beat in that are way. Now I sees byyour eyes, Mr. Stebbins, that you ain't a chap to be took in in a hosstrade, and I wants you to use 'em for me; and if things comes out allright, I won't stop to put another ten or twenty a-top of the five, youknow.'

  "'I'll do my best, Mr. Jenkins,' says I; 'and I guess you'll find mybest right up to the handle.'

  "When we got to the place we seen a stable, in a little, back, dirtystreet, and in it was two men and three hosses.

  "Two of these 'ere hosses wan't o' no great account, but t'other onewas a pooty slick smart-looking critter.

  "'How much for this 'ere one?' says Mr. Jenkins, putting his hand ontothe beast.

  "Waal, really,' says the dealer, 'we don't keer about selling that arecritter.'

  "'I was recommended to come here for a place where I could buy a goodhoss cheap,' says Mr. Jenkins.

  "'We really hain't got nothing to sell 'cept the other two critters,'says the jockey. 'We'll sell you them cheap.'

  "'I don't want 'em,' says Jenkins, 'but only this 'ere one. Hey,Stebbins! what d'you say?' he says, speaking to me.

  "'Waal, the critter you've picked out is pooty likely,' says I, 'but Idon't think much of t'others.'

  "He called me out one side, and axed me what the best hoss was reallywo'th.

  "'A good hundred and twenty-five,' says I.

  "'How about a hundred and fifty?' says he.

>   "'I wouldn't go a mite over a hundred and forty,' says I.

  "'I'll have him, though, at some price, for I've sot my mind on't,'says he, in a determined way.

  "Then he went back to the jockey, and offered him a hundred dollars forthat critter.

  "The jockey chap laughed right in his face at fust, and then he 'pearedto get mad, and said, says he:

  "'You're either a dealer yourself, or else you wants to insult me; andno matter which it are, I ain't a-going to trade with you at no price.'

  "'I'll give you a hundred and twenty-five,' says Jenkins.

  "'Pshaw!' says jockey.

  "'A hundred and fifty,' says Jenkins.

  "'No,' says t'other.

  "'A hundred and seventy-five, then.'

  "'No.'

  "'I'll give you two hundred.'

  "'You can't buy him at no price,' says the hoss dealer, looking awfulmad.

  "'Then let us go to a more decenter place, Mr. Stebbins,' says Jenkinsto me.

  "We started off together, and as soon as we'd got out of sight of thestable, Jenkins says to me, says he:

  "'Friend Stebbins, I wants that are hoss right bad, 'cause he's jestthe critter to suit me. I wonder if you couldn't buy him for me?'

  "'I don't 'spect I could,' says I, 'for the feller that owns him hasgot his Dutch up, and won't sell him to neither of us.'

  "'Would you mind going back by yourself and trying?' says he.

  "'To obleege you I'll dew it,' says I. 'But the hoss ain't wo'th whatyou offered, and nothink like it.'

  "'I don't keer for that, Mr. Stebbins,' says he; 'it a'nt making aspec' I'm arter; I wants the hoss for hisself, 'cause I've sot my mindon't, and money ain't no object with me. I'll tell ye what I'll dew. Ifyou'll buy that are hoss and fetch him round to my stable, I'll jestplank down two hundred and fifty dollars cash for him, and you may makewhat profit you kin. I don't keer what you give for him, but I'll giveyou two hundred and fifty dollars jest the minute he reaches my stable,and I'll go right down there now and wait for you.'

  "I told him I'd try my luck, and he writ down the direction for me tocome to.

  "Waal, I went back and found the two hoss fellers talking with the chapthat had fust told us about the place.

  "The minute this chap seen me, he come for'ard and said he was rightdown sorry that his pardners had got mad at my friend--and if he'd beenthere it wouldn't have turned out so--though it was a insult for himto offer only a hundred dollars for a hoss like that are, which nobodycould find his match nowhere for a cent less than three hundred dollarsin gold.

  "'Tell you what 'tis, mister,' he says, 'I know your friend, JohnJenkins--though he don't recollect me--and I know he's mighty rich, anda right down good customer where he likes to deal, and I hate like furythat he went away disapp'inted. Now if you'll find him, and fetch himback, and git him to trade with us, I'll give you a five-dollar bill.'

  "I thought I'd got a good chance for a spec, so I says, says I:

  "'I don't think I could git him back; but if you folks here wants tosell that are hoss, and will take what he's wo'th, I don't mind buyinghim for my own self.'

  "'You kin have him for two hundred and twenty-five dollars, and not acent short,' says he.

  "'That's more'n I'd give my old daddy for him,' says I.

  "Then we began to talk, and palaver, and hile, and at last I got himdown to two hundred and ten, and him to give in a old saddle andbridle, so's I could ride him off.

  "Waal, I paid down the money, and then rode off for Jenkins' stablefeeling pooty proud and happy that I'd made a clean forty dollars by mybarg'in.

  "But, somehow or other, I couldn't find Jenkins' stable, nor Jenkinsnuther, and I hain't found 'em since.

  "To git right down to the gist on't, I'd been awfully fooled, andtricked into paying two hundred and ten dollars for a hoss that Ididn't want myself, and that I's glad to git rid on, arterwards for onehundred and five, jest one-half the critter cost me.

  "Waal, mister, that's the story that all the folks round my way isa-grinning and a-snickering over, and I s'pose I've got to grin andbear it till the hull darned thing dies out and be darned to it.

  "It's l'arned me for one thing, that them slick-looking, slick-talkingcity fellers kin lie and cheat like thunder; and for another thing,that it don't dew for a country chap to butt his brains ag'in them cityscamps and al'ays 'spect to git the best on't."