by Molly Jebber
She glanced at her childhood Bible storybooks. Mamm had brushed her hair, read her stories, said prayers with her, and tucked her into bed until she was around thirteen. She’d made her favorite meal for birthdays and taught her to clean, sew, knit, bake, and cook. Then there had been the screaming arguments when she’d wanted to do things with her friends. Mamm had suffocated and pressured her to stay close to her and be the perfect dochder. She was grateful they’d had time to reconcile, enjoy Betsy together, and create new and happy memories until her severe headaches took their toll.
The loss left a deep hole in her chest. She wanted more time. A day, an hour, minutes. To tell Mamm she loved her and to thank her for all she had done. Had she expressed her gratitude? Did Mamm know how much she regretted leaving and hurting her? She dropped her head in her hands. Would she ever get rid of this overwhelming grief?
She needed Andrew. He’d hold her and tell her everything would be all right. He’d provide the strength she needed. She had Daed, Joel, and Ellie, and her friends, but she still needed the love of her life. He’d be distraught about Mamm. He’d become a part of their family.
She reminded herself over and over, Mamm was in Heaven with God and would have no more pain and suffering. She wished her own pain would go away. She walked down the hall and reached for the doorknob to her parents’ bedroom to gaze at Mamm again. No, I can’t do it. She dropped her hand and walked back to Betsy, and tears dampened her face. Mamm had enjoyed her granddochder and seemed the happiest when she was with Betsy.
Betsy rolled onto her stomach and raised herself up. “Mum.” She held her arms up.
She lifted Betsy, grabbed her doll, and sat in the rocker. Maryann had understood Mamm wanting to protect her, even if it was too much. She’d do anything for Betsy. She hugged her dochder and took her to the changing table in Betsy’s room, “You need a diaper change.”
Betsy rubbed her nose with the back of her little hand, and she lay on the changing table. “Mimi?”
Maryann pinched her eyes closed, then opened them. She struggled to keep the sob in her throat from escaping. “Mimi’s gone.” She gazed at Betsy as she changed her. Her dochder wouldn’t understand where Mimi had gone or remember this particular day, but her dochder did sense something was wrong with the absence of Mimi. They would all miss her.
Betsy frowned and wiped a tear from Maryann’s cheek with her tiny forefinger. She cocked her head. “Mum?”
Maryann managed a weak smile. “I’m all right.” She walked back to the living room and set Betsy in the playpen.
Betsy picked up the Amish doll Andrew had given her for Christmas and held it tight. Then she dropped the doll and flipped through the pages of her book about Jonah and the whale.
Daed returned with Bishop Fisher. Ellie and Joel came inside behind him.
Maryann hugged Joel, and Ellie wrapped her arms around them. They wept and then separated.
Daed wiped his wet cheeks. “Danki for kumming, Bishop.”
The bishop nodded and asked them to bow their heads. He prayed to God to comfort the family.
Daed stood with his hands over his face. Maryann turned away. He’d lost his fraa and lifelong partner. He’d stood by her through all the happy and tumultuous times in their married life. She wanted to snatch the grief out of herself and him. It was too much for them to bear.
Daed said, “Bishop, I’d like to hold the viewing, funeral, and burial on Monday. Let’s have the funeral around one. It’s best for me if we don’t prolong the services.”
Bishop Fisher nodded. “I’ll be happy to have the services as you wish. I’m sorry for your loss, and I’ll pass the news on to friends and ask them to tell others. I’ll be here early Monday.” He prayed again aloud with the family and then bid them farewell.
Maryann listened to her family share their memories of Mamm. She couldn’t grasp they were talking about Mamm in the past tense. She watched Betsy play in her playpen, and Betsy smiled at her. Her heart swelled. Such a small gesture, but one she needed most at the moment.
Daed shook his head. “I should’ve checked on her earlier.”
Maryann grasped his wrist. “It was her time to go to Heaven. You shouldn’t have any guilt over this. You were a good husband to her. You gave her the best life.” She wept with him.
“Maryann’s right, Daed. You set a good example for all of us in how we should treat others. Mamm was blessed to have you.” Joel’s lips quivered.
Ellie went to the kitchen and returned with warm coffee. She served them. “I’m glad Naomi and I had a chance to get past our differences and become friends. I’ll miss her.”
Maryann gazed at Ellie. She was fortunate to have such a caring schweschder-in-law. She was glad Mamm had given Ellie a chance and then came to love her. Ellie was good to Joel, and she looked forward to their boppli being born sometime early this summer.
Joel offered his hand to Ellie. “We should go.” He hugged his daed and then Maryann. He kissed Betsy’s forehead. His lips trembled. “I’ll be back tomorrow with benches, and we’ll move the furniture out of the way and prepare for guests on Monday.” He hung his head and held Ellie’s hand, walking to the door.
“Won’t the bishop need the benches for Sunday service?” Ellie glanced at Joel and then waved at Betsy.
Betsy grinned, plopped down, and picked up her doll.
He shook his head. “These are extra benches.”
Maryann and her daed bid them farewell.
Daed turned to Maryann and put his hands on her shoulders. “I love you, Maryann. I’m glad you’re here. You were the sunshine in your mamm’s darkness.”
Maryann’s lips quivered. “We had our struggles, but we made it through them. I’ll miss her smile, the touch of her hand on mine, and the memories we’ve shared.”
His shoulders slumped. He went to his granddochder, bent over the playpen, and kissed Betsy on her forehead.
She patted his cheeks with her hands. “Pop. Pop.”
He stood ramrod straight, eyes wide. “She called me Pop. Did you hear her? Leave it to the innocence of a boppli to make you smile amidst sadness.” Daed picked Betsy up and hugged her.
“I’ve pointed to you and called you Pop whenever I thought of it, hoping she’d say it to you. She’s often sprinkled a moment of joy in my life when I’ve really needed it.”
“She’s been the bright light for all of us since you came back. Naomi and I commented often how much she reminds us of you in appearance and ways she does things. You’re precise with making your bed, folding your clothes, and with anything you arrange or assemble. Betsy lines up her toys, can’t stand to have food on her clothes for too long, and wants her diaper changed as soon as she’s wet. Spitting image of you. Your mamm would find me and tell me each day something Betsy did to remind her of you when you were little.” He shrugged. “Something else I’ll miss.” He rested his forehead to Betsy’s and then put her back in the playpen.
“Mimi?” Betsy raised her brows.
“Mimi’s in Heaven, little one.” Maryann rested her head on Daed’s shoulder. “I wish Mamm hadn’t died on Christmas.” Maryann pressed a hand to her heart.
“She was in such pain. For her, going home to meet Jesus face-to-face may have been the best gift she could’ve received today.” Daed walked toward the door. “Selfishly, I’d do anything to have her back.”
* * *
Maryann woke Friday morning, the day after Christmas, and found Daed was already in the barn. She checked on Betsy and found her sound asleep. She glanced out the window. Joel and Ellie were arriving in their buggy.
She greeted and hugged Joel first. They cried in each other’s arms. Ellie wrapped her arms around them both.
They parted and found seats in the living room. Joel took Ellie’s coat and hung it with his on the coat tree. “Daed’s taking care of the horses. I sensed he wanted time alone when he didn’t accept my offer to help.” He raked fingers through his hair. “I’m shocked and numb. My mi
nd can’t accept Mamm is really gone.” He shook his head.
Ellie sat next to him on the settee. She put a hand on his leg. “It’s going to take time to sink in.” She shifted in her chair to face Maryann. “I’m sure friends will bring food when they attend the viewing. Do you want to go to the bakery with me and tell the girls? We can bring back some cookies. I’m sure you’d rather they heard the news from you. We can stop by Liza and Hannah’s places and tell them on the way.”
“My mind is in a fog. I’m grateful to you for providing me with some direction. I’ll feed and dress Betsy, and then we can go to Liza’s first.” Maryann rose, knees shaking.
Joel held out his hand. “Do you mind leaving Betsy with Daed and me?”
“Betsy will be good for them,” Ellie prodded.
“Danki, bruder.” Maryann shrugged into her coat and hat, hugged Joel, and said goodbye. She went to the barn with Ellie. “Ellie and I will stop by Hannah’s, then Liza’s and the bakery, and then kumme back. We won’t be too long. Joel wanted Betsy with him. Do you mind?”
“No. We need her right now.”
Daed looked as if he’d aged ten years in the hours since Mamm had passed away. He must feel lost without her. She and Ellie bid him farewell and drove to Hannah’s.
Hannah wilkomed them inside. “Ellie and Maryann, what a nice surprise. Kumme on in and get warm by the fire. Liza came to visit me, too. She’s in the living room. Where’s Betsy?”
“How convenient Liza is with you. We were going to stop by her place next, and this will save us a trip.” Ellie smiled.
“Go lie down, Sunny.” Hannah pointed to the old tattered quilt in the corner.
Sunny’s tail wagged as the pup scampered to the corner and obeyed.
Liza rose and hugged them. “When I came to Hannah’s to visit, I didn’t expect I’d get to visit with the two of you. What a wilkom surprise.” She tilted her head. “You’re not your usual jolly selves. What’s wrong?”
“We left Betsy with Joel and Daed.” Ellie gestured to Maryann. “I’ll let Maryann tell you why we have long faces.”
Maryann twisted her handkerchief in her hands. She explained the reason for their visit.
Hannah and Liza’s faces drained of color. Hannah crossed the room to Maryann and held her hand. “What can I do for you? I can’t believe Naomi is gone.”
Liza looked at Ellie. “How are Joel and Shem holding up?” She dabbed her wet eyes with the back of her hand.
Ellie rested her hands on her protruding stomach. “Joel is doing better than I would’ve expected. He’s shaken and not himself, but he’s being strong for Shem and Maryann.”
Maryann dabbed her wet nose with the handkerchief. “I must go and tell Rachael and Magdelena about Mamm.” She stared and fumbled her hands. She couldn’t sit still or get comfortable. She remembered going through the motions and not feeling like herself when Gerald died. There was no way to bypass the agony of the death of a loved one. And the next couple of days would be the most difficult while trying to plan for the services and greet their friends. She couldn’t think straight.
Liza knelt next to Maryann. “Yes, they should know about your mamm. Would you like Hannah and me to wash and dress your mamm for the services?”
Hannah squeezed Maryann’s hand. “Let us help you.”
Maryann sucked in a breath. The act of doing this would be too much. It would rip her heart in two. She’d never get through it. “Please, would you?”
Hannah nodded.
Liza patted her arm. “Of course. When should we kumme to your haus?”
“Tomorrow, please, in case we receive mourners this weekend. There will also be time for a viewing before the funeral which will be at one in the afternoon with the burial to follow. Our family doesn’t want to prolong the viewing and services.”
Liza said, “Hannah and I will kumme Saturday around nine in the morning. We’ll bring food. Don’t worry about a thing. Do you have a dress for your mamm?”
Maryann gripped her handkerchief and held it to her chest. “I do. The one she wore when she and Daed married won’t fit. She has a fairly new one I’d like to have you dress her in. I’ll lay it out for you.”
Hannah wiped a tear from her cheek. “I wish I could erase the loss and anguish you are experiencing. I feel helpless.”
“Your outpouring of love is all I need. I find comfort in your words and friendship.”
“I should take you home. You’re still in shock. You need to rest.” Ellie escorted Maryann to the door. She glanced over her shoulder to Liza and Hannah. “I’m not sure I should’ve brought her out today. I remember when Mamm died. I was a mess. I’m still guilt-ridden over what I put you and Daed through.”
Liza, Ellie’s stepmamm, placed a hand on her back. “You were a challenge to win over since you were still mourning and bitter about your mamm’s death, but it was worth it to have such a precious dochder as you. I’m proud of the woman you’ve become. And you’re right. Maryann has been out enough today. Take good care of our girl, and I’ll be at Maryann’s with Hannah to help on Saturday. I’ll go to the bakery before we arrive at your haus and put a sign on the door saying we’re closed on Monday and the bakery will reopen on Tuesday. I want the girls free to attend the services and help with whatever you need.”
“Danki, Liza.” Maryann gave her a thankful smile.
Hannah hugged them goodbye. “Timothy will be at your haus early with me to help with setting up the benches, guiding guests where to park their buggies, and whatever you’d like him to do.”
Sunny got up and ambled over to Hannah.
“Danki.” Maryann petted the dog, bid them farewell, and left with Ellie.
Maryann rode with Ellie to the bakery, and they told Magdelena and Rachael.
The girls expressed their sympathies and hugged Maryann and Ellie.
Toby entered the bakery. “I ran into the bishop on the way here. Ellie and Maryann, I’m sorry for your loss.” He glanced at Maryann. “Andrew would want to know about Naomi. Do you mind if I make the trip to Millersburg and tell him? I can make the trip up and back in a day. It should only take about two-and-a-half to three hours. I’ll ask Timothy to take care of the livestock, and I’ll leave in about an hour. Andrew may want to leave right away. I’m sure he can find someone to manage things for him.”
“Toby, I’d appreciate it.” Maryann gave him a grateful smile. “I feel bad putting this on Andrew right now. He’s got a lot on his mind, and his uncle needs him.”
Ellie said, “You need him, and he’d be upset if you didn’t tell him.”
“Yes, and he loved Mamm too. He will want to attend the services.” She’d love to have him next to her. He had suffered tragedy with his parents. He’d empathize and give her strength just by his presence.
* * *
Andrew’s eyes widened. “Toby!” He rushed to him. “Is everyone all right in Charm?” He was sure Toby wouldn’t have traveled to Millersburg this time of day if something wasn’t wrong. It was two in the afternoon.
Toby frowned. “It’s Maryann’s mamm, Naomi. She died on Christmas. I was sure you’d want to be informed, and I spoke to Maryann and offered to travel to Millersburg and tell you.”
Matt and James approached them.
Andrew introduced them to Toby and told them why he was there.
James shook Toby’s hand. He clapped a hand onto Andrew’s arm. “You go to Charm. Maryann needs your support.”
Matt nodded. “We can take care of the store. I’m sorry for your and the family’s loss. Toby, we’ve heard a lot of good things about you from Andrew. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“I wish it were under better circumstances and I could stay and chat.” Toby sighed.
Andrew glanced from Matt to James. “He’s right. I should get going. I’ll go to my aunt and uncle’s haus, pack a bag, and be on my way. I’ll return in a couple of days.” He and Toby bid them farewell, went to his aunt and uncle’s, had dinner with them, and
headed to Charm.
He followed Toby’s buggy. His heart ached for Maryann and her family. God would give them comfort and peace. Grief was painful, and it took time to ease. The loss of his parents had been agonizing. A day didn’t go by without them kumming to mind. He’d always miss them.
They arrived close to three hours later in Charm. He pulled alongside Toby’s buggy. “I’ll head to Maryann’s, and then I’ll be home later tonight. Danki, Toby, for relaying the news about Naomi.”
“It was important. You’d do the same for me. I’ll check on the livestock at your place, and then I’ll be over early tomorrow morning. Give Maryann and her family my best.”
“Will do.” Andrew waved goodbye and traveled to Maryann’s haus. He met her daed and Joel outside the barn. “I’m sorry about Naomi.” He waved to Timothy and friends unloading benches from a wagon to set up in the haus for the services.
Shem shook Andrew’s hand. “I’m going through the motions of doing what has to be done. It’s hard to grasp she’s no longer with me.” He took Andrew’s reins. “Let us take care of your horse. Maryann will be delighted you’re here.”
Joel greeted him. “Danki for kumming. Good to have you with us.”
“How’s Ellie?” He hoped this wouldn’t put too much of a strain on her. She was carrying their first child.
“I took her home. She’s tired, and guests kept us busy, bringing food and expressing their condolences. Word spread fast once Bishop Fisher asked the women to let everyone know about Mamm. Go on inside. We don’t want to keep you any longer from Maryann and Betsy.”
Andrew thanked them and crossed the yard. He went inside and found them in Betsy’s room. “How are my girls?”
“Andrew!” Maryann picked up Betsy.
Betsy held her arms out to him.
He took her and kissed her temple. “I’ve missed you.” He grinned at Maryann. “And you.”
He pulled her to him with his free arm and then let her go. “I’m sorry about Naomi. I’m shocked.”
