Writing Better Lyrics
Page 10
Verse 1
Louis ducks behind the door
Patient as a stone
Listens, braces, hears the footsteps
Crip for sure and all alone
Steel barking, flashing, biting
Sinking to its home
Flesh to blood to heart to bone
Verse 2
Camille slips along the wall
Muslims stand their posts
Pulls the pin and lobs the metal
Perfect hook shot, crowd explodes
Spilling colors red and khaki
Gargles in their throats
Infidels and pagan hosts
Verse 3
White boys rock the ancient Ford
Teeter-totter swing
Trapped inside, the children shudder
Afrikaner ditties ring
Drag the papa, slag the mama
Flames that lick and stink
Little buggers boil like ink
Now, instead, we'll try developing one continuous fabric. It doesn't matter which verse we pick, just so all the other verses roll down the same mountain with it. Let's start with verse one and develop from there:
Verse 1
Louis ducks behind the door
Patient as a stone
Listens, braces, hears the footsteps
Crip for sure and all alone
Steel barking, flashing, biting
Sinking to its home
Flesh to blood to heart to bone
Chorus
One more link in a chain reaction
Spinning round and round and round
A tiny step, a small subtraction
One more link in a chain reaction
Verse 2
Straightens up now cool and thin
Checking out his score
That's for Iggy, dirty bastard
Gargled blood in memory's roar
Circle turf in hasty exit
One more hero born
Mamas screaming dark and torn
Chorus
One more link in a chain reaction
Spinning round and round and round
Another turn, another fraction
One more link in a chain reaction
Verse 3
Gathered hands in rings of steel
They weld a sacred vow
Swing down low, chariot wheeling
Rolling dark across the town
Mad archangel's scabbard flashing
Cut another down
Driving by on bloody ground
Chorus
One more link in a chain reaction
Spinning round and round and round
Another turn, another fraction
One more link in a chain reaction
The linking of the verses gives the whole lyric momentum. Each box lends weight to the next box. Look at the results when we leave out the chorus:
Verse 1
Louis ducks behind the door
Patient as a stone
Listens, braces, hears the footsteps
Crip for sure and all alone
Steel barking, flashing, biting
Sinking to its home
Flesh to blood to heart to bone
Verse 2
Straightens up now cool and thin
Checking out his score
That's for Iggy, dirty bastard
Gargled blood in memory's roar
Circle turf in hasty exit
One more hero born
Mamas screaming dark and torn
Verse 3
Gathered hands in rings of steel
They weld a sacred vow
Swing down low, chariot wheeling
Rolling dark across the town
Mad archangel's scabbard flashing
Cut another down
Driving by on bloody ground
Now the verses show the circle of violence, and the chorus gains power each time because the information carries over from verse to verse, adding weight and momentum to each scene.
EXERCISE 12
Start with either verse two or verse three of the original and write two more verses to make a story. (Keep the same chorus, and be sure to follow the current verse rhyme scheme and rhythm.) You'll notice the power and momentum your lyric develops as the verses accumulate into one full-blown strategy. Verse development is probably a lyricist's trickiest job. Verse ideas must advance enough, but can't move too much. If the ideas are too close, the repetition of the chorus will become static and boring. If the verses' ideas are too far apart, you might end up in fabulous Hawaii. Hawaii is a nice place, but songwriters beware how you get there. The best trip is paid for by royalty checks from great songs.
CHAPTER NINE
STRIPPING YOUR REPETITION FOR REPAINTING
Strong verse development is crucial to deepening the colors of your refrain or chorus. Just as important, however, is making sure your refrain chorus can be recolored. Sometimes it can resist recoloring, no matter how well your verses develop. Look at this example:
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again he set the pace
Though he was crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheered he came to grief
He lost the human race
Yessirree, what a refrain: He lost the human race. Even a double meaning! Of course, now you have to figure out what to say next so the refrain will be as interesting the second time as it was the first. Let's try:
It's hard see through miles ahead
To shoulders bent by age
With crowds of whispers drawing tight
He'll tilt his head one final night
Oops! You can't say He lost the human race. It won't go with the future tense in He'll tilt his head one final night. The refrain has to change:
It's hard see through miles ahead
To shoulders bent by age
With crowds of whispers drawing tight
He'll tilt his head one final night
He'll lose the human race
Though this isn't the kiss of death, it would be preferable to avoid changing the refrain if you can. Then everyone can sing along each time.
A good lyric works hard for interesting verse development that colors the same refrain a new shade each time, so it's frustrating when a refrain or chorus proves to be color resistant — the words in the refrain or chorus won't work with the next verse without changing the words somehow because they're protected from receiving the next verse's color by coats and coats of verbal polyurethane.
Too often, a problem with verb tense or an inconsistent point of view (POV) blocks effective recoloring.
You can often solve the problem by neutralizing the refrain's tense and POV — stripping away protective coatings so your refrain can accept the colors the verses try to paint.
NEUTRALIZING TENSES
Verbs determine tenses:
Past: He lost the human race.
Present: He loses the human race.
Future: He'll lose the human race.
Controlling verbs is the key to controlling tense. Here are three ways:
Use the -ing form of the verb (e.g., losing). Omit any helping verbs (losing instead of is losing, was losing, will be losing). Don't mistake the -ing verb form for verbal adjectives (participles), e.g., a losing strategy, or for verbal nouns (gerunds), e.g., losing builds character.
Use the to form of the verb (infinitive) and omit the main verb, e.g., to lose rather than I hate to lose.
Omit verbs altogether.
A tense-neutral refrain will accept whatever tense the verse throws at it. Look at what the -ing verb form does for our refrain, no matter what tense the verse takes:
Past tense
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again he set the pace
Though
he was crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheered he came to grief
Losing the human race
Present tense
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again he sets the pace
Although he's crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer he comes to grief
Losing the human race
Future tense
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again he'll set the pace
Though he'll be crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer he'll come to grief
Losing the human race
Now let's add our second verse:
Present tense
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again he sets the pace
Although he's crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer he comes to grief
Losing the human race
Future tense
It's hard see through miles ahead
To shoulders bent by age
With crowds of whispers drawing tight
He'll tilt his head one final night
Losing the human race
The neutralized refrain works with the tense of both verses. Let's try the infinitive:
Present tense
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again he sets the pace
Although he's crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer he comes to grief
To lose the human race
Future tense
It's hard see through miles ahead
To shoulders bent by age
With crowds of whispers drawing tight
He'll tilt his head one final night
To lose the human race
Again, the neutralized refrain accepts any tense. Whichever results you like better, the -ing form or the infinitive, it's nice to have the option. Let's try the third technique — leaving out the verb altogether. In this case, it makes the refrain sound like a commentary:
Present tense
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again he sets the pace
Although he's crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer he comes to grief
A loss in the human race
Future tense
It's hard see through miles ahead
To shoulders bent by age
With crowds of whispers drawing tight
He'll tilt his head one final night
A loss in the human race
Always try all three options. Use whichever feels best.
NEUTRALIZING POINT OF VIEW
Pronouns determine POV:
First person: I lose the human race
Second person: You lose the human race
Third person: She loses the human race
To strip your refrain's POV, omit pronouns. Sometimes you'll have to neutralize verb tenses, too. We'll look at that later.
Look back at our tense-neutral refrain, Losing the human race. It not only neutralizes the verb, it also omits pronouns, freeing each verse to set its own POV. The neutral refrain accepts them all:
First person (singular)
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again I set the pace
Although I'm crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer I'll come to grief
Losing the human race
First person (plural)
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again we set the pace
Although we're crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer we'll come to grief
Losing the human race
Second person
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again you set the pace
Although you're crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer you'll come to grief
Losing the human race
Third person (singular)
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again she sets the pace
Although she's crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer she'll come to grief
Losing the human race
Third person (plural)
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again they set the pace
Although they're crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer they'll come to grief
Losing the human race
When you use third person with present tense, the verb adds an s: She loses. If you don't use he, she, or it in your lyric, none of your verbs will add an s, so your verbs will all already by POV neutral. You won't need to neutralize the verbs — you just need to drop the pronouns:
First person (singular)
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again I set the pace
Although I'm crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer I'll come to grief
And lose the human race
First person (plural)
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again we set the pace
Although we're crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer we'll come to grief
And lose the human race
Second person
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again you set the pace
Although you're crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer you'll come to grief
And lose the human race
Third person (plural)
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again they set the pace
Although they're crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer they'll come to grief
And lose the human race
Be careful, though. And lose the human race works only in present tense. If you change to past, you're in trouble:
Third person (plural)
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again they set the pace
Though they were crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheered they came to grief
And lose the human race
You'd need to neutralize the verb tense, too, back to losing the human race.
Now, the real thing. Paul Simon's refrain in “Still Crazy After All These Years” has no pronouns and no verb. The result is a refrain that can accept the POV and tense from each verse:
I met my old lover on the street last night
She seemed so glad to see me, I just smiled
And we talked about some old times
And we drank ourselves some beers
Still crazy after all these years
I'm not the kind of man who tends to socialize
I seem to lean on old familiar ways
And I ain't no fool for love songs
That whisper in my ears
Still crazy after all these years…
Now I sit by my window and I watch the cars
I fear I'll do some damage one fine day
But I would not be convicted
By a jury of my peers
Still crazy after all these years
Because the refrain is stripped of action, the first verse is able to color it with three different POVs:
I am still crazy after all these years
She was still crazy after all these years We were still crazy after all these years
All three work fine. The result is a productive ambiguity that adds to the spell of the lyric.
Verse two's possible interpretations of the refrain include: I am still crazy after all these years, and you are still crazy after all these years.
We can almost hear the jukebox whispering “Hey fella, you're still crazy about her after all these years.” Again, the POV swabs multiple colors on the refrain, creating depth. In the third verse, my peers wouldn't convict me because I would be still crazy after all these years, or they would be still crazy after all these years. I could cop a plea of insanity. They would understand, being, as my peers, crazy themselves. Again, the neutral refrain contributes productivity to the ambiguit
y.
STRIPPING YOUR CHORUS
Neutralize a chorus the same way you neutralize a refrain: Don't use a tense or POV. Here's a prototype neutral chorus:
Losing the human race
Losing the human race
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Losing the human race
See how easy it works with a verse:
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again he sets the pace
Although he's crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer he comes to grief
No reprieve
Chorus
Losing the human race
Losing the human race
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Losing the human race
Like a refrain, a neutral chorus will accept the verse's tense and POV, no matter how many times you change them in the lyric. Remember as a rule of thumb that verses show, chorus tells. Keep your verses specific and interesting.
Okay, the prototype chorus is pretty dumb. But you could add more lines and find interesting rhymes. Make it as specific and artistic as you want to, just don't commit to a tense or a POV. Like this:
Chorus
Losing the human race
Falling from heaven's grace
No way to stop it
Only a dot in space
Losing the human race
None of the lines commit to tense or POV. They either use -ing (lines one, two, and five), the infinitive (line three), or omit the verb altogether (line four). This stripped chorus will accept any POV and tense:
Exploding from the starting blocks
Again he sets the pace
Although he's crowned by laurel wreaths
As thousands cheer he comes to grief
No reprieve
Chorus
Losing the human race
Falling from heaven's grace
No way to stop it
Only a dot in space
Losing the human race
He doesn't see the miles ahead
Shoulders bent by age
With crowds of whispers drawing tight
He'll tilt his head one final night
Slip from sight
Chorus
Losing the human race
Falling from heaven's grace