The Boo
Page 14
“You’ve got the one, Colonel. Well, we got it. Or at least we had it. It’s now chopped up into a million little pieces of firewood. Colonel, we need a place to put it,” Metts pleaded.
“Bring it to my garage, Bubba. We can store it in there until we figure what in the hell to do with it.”
The cedar filled the whole garage. Boo called the Chief of Police and explained the traditional hunt for the largest Christmas tree. Things were smoothed over. Metts and the freshmen had to go to General Clark’s office and apologize to the old man. Christmas came as usual that year.
MORE ERW’S
14 April 1966
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Absent Muster, 12 April,” D/L 13 April 1966
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1.The report is correct.
2. Upon arriving home Easter morning I removed my false teeth and placed them on my dresser. My dog, Cindy, being her mischievous self snuffed out my teeth. She must have mistaken them for candy, because she gnawed them until they were completely destroyed. When waking up Easter morning I realized my dog’s wrong doing and I realized that she did not know what she had done. No punishment was applied. Monday I made an appointment to have my teeth repaired. The earliest possible date to have them repaired was Tuesday. I telephoned the authorities at The Citadel and notified them that I would be late returning. Because of the lack of speed of the Greyhound, I was later than anticipated returning to school. Because of my dog’s lack of intelligence, but keen sense of smell, my teeth were destroyed. Because of my dog’s inabilities and abilities, I am at your mercy for minimum punishment.
3.The offense was intentional.
3 March 1966
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Improper Drill Report, February 25, 1966,” D/L 3 March 1966
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. The offense stated above is correct. I did perform with human frailty an error by placing Cadet Fetscher’s name on the report twice. In our lowly lives upon this earth men at times have made errors of even more grievous nature. I ask no pity for my dire offense but would cite St. Matthew 5:7, “Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.”
As to the second part of my offense I would say that Cadet Witt’s name was omitted from my list of the Corps Squad through an unintentional oversight. I could not hold the Squad Leader or his Assistant liable for such a deed. Therefore, on the second count I shall plead guilty, not ask for clemency, and march forthwith to the guillotine with my loyal and stalwart Supply Sergeant who at this time also is submitting an explanation of a similar report.
3. The offense was unintentional.
CHECKED BY RB.I. Exec. Officer
1st Sgt. of Humblest Stature, Co. A
2nd Class
19 May 1966
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Absent Chemistry, 2nd Offense, 11 May 1966,” D/L 18 May 1966.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. At ten fifteen I opened my eyes,
And when fully awake I realized
That another chemistry class was missed.
I was again in sinful abyss.
The dirty old man? caught me dead to rights.
No twisting nor turning can save me from this.
Upon his good mercy, I place myself,
For that 9 o’clock chem class that I missed.
Now none can complain about this verse,
Which is much better than the first.
So how about ten merits for me,
For exceptionally outstanding poetry.
3. The offense was unintentional.
CHECKED BY CED Exec. Officer
29 November 1963
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Walking around library with shoes off, 17 November,” D/L 27 November.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. Colonel Courvoisie had taken my boots away from me, leaving me to face the world bootless. To prevent holes being worn in my socks, I borrowed a pair of shoes until mine arrived in the mail. Much to my dismay, however, the shoes were just a tad too tight. It is a common fact that a student will study better when he is comfortable than otherwise. As the shoes were wearing blisters on my heels and pinching my toes, I was literally forced to remove the inflictors of pain. During my process of acquiring scholarly knowledge, my throat began to run rampant with thirst. Not wishing to be seen walking around the library in my stocking feet, I tiptoed my way behind the book shelves but alas, my plot was foiled by Mr. Stiger. If you have no mercy on me, have mercy on my feet.
3. The offense was unintentional.
CHECKED BY J. C. Borden, Exec. Officer
Acting
May 12, 1966
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report, “Late L,” 05/08/66, D/L 05/11/66
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. On the date of said offense while returning from a weekend leave, as a rider with Cadet M. Foster, a few miles out of Charleston we came upon a woman beside Interstate 26 with a flat tire. Being the gentlemen and scholars that Citadel men are, Cadet Foster and I (naturally exemplifying these qualities) stopped and assisted the distressed woman by changing her tire for her. As we were bringing credit upon the school through our valorous actions we were unfortunately late returning from leave. Such actions as these are meritorious deeds rather than punishable deeds.
3. The offense was unintentional.
CHECKED BY LES Exec. Officer
March 17, 1964
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report, “Flying kite from top gallery,” D/L 18 March 1964.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. I have searched The Blue Book through and through, And never has it been read so true, And nowhere in it could I site Anything against my flying a kite. Young Ben Franklin was not “pulled” that night, And neither were Orville or Wilbur Wright. Spring is here and we’re feeling light, So don’t keep us in for flying a kite.
3. There is thought to be no offense committed.
17 March 1964
SUBJECT: Reconsideration of Award: “Late to Class, 12 March 1964,” D/L 13 March 1964.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. It is true I was late, upon that date,
But the teacher was later than I,
And since your demerits decide my fate,
Remove them, and let it go by.
He was later than me, by a minute you see,
Which I know was not proper for him,
So if you are as kind, as I know you can be,
You’ll free me and give them to him.
3. The offense was unintentional.
23 March 1964
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Throwing food in the mess hall, 12 March 1964,” D/L 21 March 1964.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. I’m afraid that you have caught me “dead to rights” and I have no excuse. However, being a Political Science major, I plead self-defense because I was fired upon first.
3. The offense was done in self-defense.
4 May 1964
SUBJECT: Reconsideration of Award: “Visiting hospital during off hours without signing out guardroom, 24 April,” D/L 1 May.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. On this occasion I was carried to the hospital on a litter and could not sign out in the guardroom.
3. The offense was unintentional.
16 January 1964
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Absent D I,” D/L 14 January 1964
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is a little demoralizing but correct.
2. Upon entering my 5th year of attendance at this institution, I have considered The Cita
del as my home. Certainly it cannot be denied that longevity has made me feel like a longstanding member of this institution.
My striving ambition is to become a real senior and graduate someday. As stated in the 1963-64 Guidon, page 6, paragraph 3 … “The Citadel is a college for the poor boy, wealthy boy, for the ambitious boy who will rule his spirit…,” and in an attempt to raise my spirits one last time before the oncoming exams, I took advantage of senior leave on 11 January when my morale was at an all time low.
I sincerely hope that my ambitions will not be menaced by a hasty reinforcement of my psychological fear, “confinisophobia” (Latin for fear of confinements) and that the proper therapy will be employed so that I may become a useful member of society; i.e., that is 5 demerits.
3. The offense was intentional.
22 March 1965
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Reporting to Mess Hall individually, 12 March 1965,” D/L 19 March 1965.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. On the date of the infraction
My mind was in traction;
Because this afternoon there had been inspection
For which I had shined up to perfection.
Then came a parade, with all its show
That made my skull work real, real slow;
It put my body under control of my rack
Which after this bliss, pulled me in the sack.
I awoke as the troops were marching to mess
And with thoughts of suckulant food, started to dress;
I hurried, only a little bit late, to Coward Hall Only to find that I shouldn’t have gone at all.
3. The offense was intentional.
3 May 1966
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Absent Social-Intellectual History, 26 April 1966,” D/L 2 May 1966.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. In Spring when the world is mudluscious
My thoughts wander far and free,
O Society and Intellectual History
Your call is deaf to me.
When sea gulls’ calls are lifted
O’r Charleston garbage dumps,
I find myself emerged
In absorbing history lumps.
Spring’s call is wild and delicious
I must not tarry here,
But wander about the Cid Campus
Where its sound is music on my ear.
A poet is true I may not be,
but I humbly impore they pity
On your lamb in agony
Though four walls do not a prison make,
And Spring’s glad son invades the harshes prison walls
I accept my fate though big or small.
3. The offense was intentional.
2 March 1965
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Animals in Room 2nd Offense 23 February,” D/L 1 March.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. On the 15th of February the animals (species Hamstro) were returned to room 1307. We assumed that this was an indication that they were not to establish a permanent residency in the Commandant’s Department. At this time our concern was two fold.
1st. That the Hamstros be properly taken care of since the health of the two species was in a condition of pregnancy. We were concerned with the present condition of the Hamstros because we felt we owed an obligation to the species of properly caring for them since the status of pregnancy occurred while they were boarders in our company headquarters. Moving the species at that time would have meant possible physical damage.
2nd. We had good intentions of removing the species as soon as the present period of hardship was terminated. Since it was obvious that the Commandant’s Department felt such companionship was unwarranted we would have immediately carried out these wishes if it had not been for the above status of the Hamstros.
To further substantiate our actions we regret to announce the death of the two Hamstros referred to above. They passed on after discovery of their habitat for the second time. We wasted no time in removing the Hamstros from “B” Company’s area, this move resulted in the mentioned death of the referred Hamstros.
In conclusion, we were guided by the principle of discretion in the interest of humanity and maintenance of Headquarters morale.
3. The offense was intentional.
CHECKED BY JM Exec. Officer
2/3
14 April 66
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Throwing food in mess hall 04/01/66.” D/L 04/13/66.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets
1. The report is correct.
2. On the date of the aforementioned offense, I noticed a classmate greedily trying to protect an exceptionally large piece of chocolate cream pie. With the joyness of Friday and the chicanery of April Fool’s, I made mock attempts to pilfer the pie. On one attempt, I bumped the defender, causing his hand to strike the pie. Perceiving a messy reprisal, I made a futile attempt to flee. While this classmate was cleaning his hand on my shoulder, Mr. Reeves was inadvertently splattered. Admitting these actions were a misdemeanor, I contend that there was no harmful or dangerous throwing of food, but merely a bit of smearing.
3. The offense was unintentional.
CHECKED BY LES Exec. Officer
5/10
SUBJECT: “Assuming of Upper-Class Privilege 19 January, 1966,” D/L 20 January, 1966.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. The day in question was last Friday, when drill and parade were rained out. The upper-classmen of third battallion, to celebrate their jubilation, were playing catch from gallery to gallery, trans quadrangle. There were numerous misses and the balls fell to the quad. Paying tribute to their class and position here at The Citadel, and at the same time trying to win their favor, I, like an humble dog, retrieved their balls. I am sure that at no time did I penetrate the depths of the hallowed quad more than fifteen feet. For this devout loyalty and servitude I was rewarded unjustly with an E.R.W.
3. The offense was unintentional.
CHECKED BY CHW Exec. Officer
5
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Absent March to Stadium, 8 October 1966,” D/L 14 October 1966.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. On the date of the report, I went to Mess, where, in the typical pre-game tension and excitement displayed by the Corps, I was bombarded by various and sundry delectable morsels from our choice menu. Since I did not choose to go to the game smelling like a tuna-fish sandwich or looking like a baked bean, I took a shower and dressed in a clean uniform. When I stepped out of my room:
“what to my wondering eyes should appear, an empty quad, they had left me here.” I proceeded to the game under my own (clean) steam and was there in time for the “daring dash” to the stands.
3. The offense was unintentional.
SUBJECT: Explanation of Report: “Improper Uniform on Campus, 9 December 1966,” D/L 12 December, 1966.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is correct.
2. In the course of events of all men’s lives, there falls an occasional pestilence of ill which plagues the happiness and security of all ensconced in a particular community. So it has been with us at The Citadel. A thief has come into our midst, and he has created a schism amidst the bounds of brotherhood around our campus conclave in the form of mutual mistrust.
On Friday the ninth of December, Cadet James A. Probsdorfer sorrowfully brought the aforementioned weighty matter before The Corps of Cadets at the conclusion of our noon meal. He discussed the gravity of the blight, and he required everyone to be especially watchful lest the thief survive to afflict us further. Friday was a day of natural beauty and warmth, but as the cadet corps streamed from the mess hall, there was no correlation between the shining sun and do
wntrodden looks of faces forlorn. There was none of the levity which usually precedes a forthcoming weekend, and camaraderie was non-extant.
I felt that such a state of lethargy with every soul lost deep in the “slough of dispond,” as John Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress described it, was an unhealthy state in which to leave our student body. Donning, in addition to my regular mixed-field uniform, a garrison cap, chin-strap turned up so as to emulate a Hell’s Angel, a white handkerchief over my face in the manner of Billy the Kid, and a pair of black fingerprint-proof gloves, and, placing a lock box under my arm, I set out to raise the Corp’s morale.
I went first to the room of our battalion honor representative. My ludicrous appearance then left the battalion commander and his exec in a fit of great hilarity. Venturing toward the second battalion, and after receiving the cheers of the cadet contingent present, I made my way to our Regimental Commander’s room, in which my appearance broke the heavy air and was received with warm amusement. Entering the third battalion and feeling highly gratified by the effort of my presence there, I struck upon the idea of holding-up Major Brand, in mock. Having achieved this design with paramount success, I was heading back to my room when I was upended by Captain Motley.
Captain Motley, drawn up in Ozimandian anger, inquired as to my intent. I assured him that my disguise was one of levity, rather than being an attempt to disguise or deceive. However, he did not understand, and the report which may be read above was entered.
3. The offense was, for the best of all, intentional.
SUBJECT: EXPLANATION OF REPORT: “Wrong way on one way street, 04/16/67” D/L 04/19/67 TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
TO: The Commandant of Cadets.
1. The report is absolutely and unequivocally incorrect.
2. My suggestions as to the manner in which the reporting officer should execute his responsibility is far from acceptable here. I do however feel, regardless of the bitterness resulting from failure to keep a cadet in until graduation, he should not report a cadet who was not even driving for going the wrong way on a street, which as a mere aside was not even done by the driver of the car. Mere assumptions will not stand up in a court of law, even though they may stand in your court. On the other hand if it was a mere optical fantasy created by … poor sight … old age … spite … senility, then I suggest consulting the closest attaché of Medicare.