Finding Sky

by Cass Sellars

  “Me too. Order whatever if you’re up for sharing? I’m not a picky eater.”

  Skylar ordered sweet potato fries, stuffed mushrooms, a veggie plate, and a cheese tray before stopping herself. She could have eaten it all herself, but sharing would be okay for now.

  When Ava left with their order, silence fell over the table. Skylar broke it first when she caught Jess studying her. “How long have you and Whitney been seeing each other? If that’s not too personal, of course.”

  Jess replied, seemingly unfazed, “We’ve only been out a dozen times or so. Nothing exclusive or serious.”

  She sipped her wine and Skylar caught herself watching Jess’s long fingers caress the stem of the glass. “You might want to tell her, because she is definitely invested.” Skylar regarded her over the table and wondered when, in the past, she would ever have felt brave enough to embark on such an unsolicited conversation.

  “How do you know?” Jess’s tone sounded genuinely curious and held a hint of mild panic.

  Skylar shrugged. “You can just tell. She has that I-want-to-eat-you-for-lunch vibe.” Skylar pushed the drink away and was suddenly uncomfortable. “Sorry. That was inappropriate. I should learn never to drink on an empty stomach.”

  “Please don’t censor on my account.” Jess leaned into the corner of the booth and hooked her heel on the edge of the seat.

  “Okay.”

  “Anyway, it’s good to know.” Jess seemed to digest the comment, perhaps for later consumption. She wedged a fist under her chin and appeared to study her. Skylar automatically attempted to corral her tousled hair.

  “So, where did you come from? What’s your story, Skylar?” Jess offered a kind smile, and her interest seemed genuine.

  “Oh, you know. Every family has a story.” Skylar shifted her glass on the napkin and looked away uncomfortably.

  “That’s not an answer.”

  Skylar panicked when she felt Jess’s eyes on her. She recovered and began to fill in the silence. “Nothing to tell, really. I worked for Forston Properties in the city for five years.”

  She didn’t intend on illuminating Jess about what was, in the most generous of opinions, a lackluster life history.

  “Any significant others in your life?” Jess continued, undeterred.

  “Nope. My ex-girlfriend, Deb, officially moved out two months ago and I am now a free agent. Very intent on staying that way, especially since I have this daunting new job for a slave driver of a boss.” Skylar shrugged and hoped for a change of topic when the food arrived; however, Jess wasn’t easily distracted.

  “How long were you together?”

  Skylar dodged an immediate reply by biting into the end of a very hot, salty fry and waved a hand in front of her mouth. Jess loaded a cocktail plate with a sample from each item.

  “Ten years. Lived together for twelve.” Skylar took another fry from the other side of the basket and dipped it into the small cup of ketchup.

  “Impressive,” Jess said with admiration in her voice.

  “Not really. First two years were good. The next were kind of routine, then tolerant, then angry, and then worst of all, apathetic. We both realized it was time to move on. She took all her stuff, and now my socks and underwear live in a box under my bed until I can find a dresser I like and wrestle it home. At least she took pity on me and left me the couch.”

  Jess smiled and took the end off a baguette as Skylar spoke.

  “That’s something.” Jess shrugged and seemed to contemplate the story.

  “Not if you saw what was under the slip cover.” Skylar made a face. “I think Goodwill might reject it.”

  “That bad, huh? Maybe that should be on the list as well.”

  Skylar nodded and balanced a slippery mushroom between her fingers and an uncooperative fork.

  “What about before that?” Jess asked.

  Skylar winced and searched for words. “One other, met her at fifteen playing the Olympic sport of lesbians.”

  Jess laughed. “Softball?”

  “What else?” Skylar waved a fry at her.

  “Well, I could have made a case for soccer, but nah, back then, you’re probably right.”

  “How about you?” She was desperate to move beyond her past and not return.

  “Ahh.” Jess snatched a slice of Gouda from Skylar’s fingers and popped it in her own mouth.

  Skylar picked up a wedge of English cheddar and broke it in half, handing the other side to Jess.

  “There isn’t time for all of it, so how about I just hit the highlights?” Jess asked. She took the cheese offering and continued to speak. “I met a girl in the fifth grade at a private all-girls academy. Not the best place to send a budding lesbian, mind you.”

  Skylar planted her chin in her hand and watched as Jess searched for accurate recall. She briefly considered that people could probably watch paint dry with someone as attractive and animated as Jess and still be entertained. It was rare that she was as captivated by anyone’s brains and personality as she was now. Perhaps the job at IA was finally where she would feel at home.

  “Probably true.” Skylar snapped out of her own thoughts.

  “Long story short, she came over constantly because her parents both worked for the American embassy in France and traveled extensively. She liked being at my house more than she liked the nannies, so there were many sleepovers. We played house, doctor, office, school, you name it.”

  Skylar had stopped eating and watched Jess tell her story. The words were a distant fourth in consideration behind her expressive mouth, dancing eyes, and inflective speech.

  “I was a real sexist. I was in charge and she was the subservient one. I was always the boss, the doctor, and the teacher. Gracie was always the student, the nurse, the patient, or my secretary. Once we even did a Broadway play. Guess who the director was?” She grinned.

  “I’m guessing the sexist?” Skylar couldn’t help but laugh at her.

  “And you would be right. We got older and were still best friends, although I was feeling more than friendship, and I thought she remained as straight as an arrow. One night she slipped into the old secretary game and came in with a push-up bra, a low-cut blouse, and a martini glass filled with ginger ale on a tray. We had just watched some cheesy Bond flick, so she was improvising.

  “She leaned over my ‘desk’ and I could see straight down her shirt. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I reached up and kissed her without thinking about it. At first, I thought she would punch me, but she kissed me back. I think we did that for about four hours, never daring to do anything but roll around on the floor together. We went to bed and I felt a woman spoon with me for the first time, and I thought I never wanted to move from that bed.” Jess paused and looked uncomfortable. “This isn’t common knowledge or very appropriate after-work revelations, I know.” She took a breath and Skylar shrugged, motioning for her to continue. “Sometimes it’s nice having a non-work conversation, I guess. Sorry.”

  “Please don’t apologize. Anyway, I’m too invested in the end of this story to allow you to stop. I promise I’ll never repeat it.” Skylar crossed her finger over her heart and waited for her to continue.

  “Okay then. When I woke up, she was gone. I figured we would talk about it later, but she never called me, and I was too afraid to call her. The next day at school, she told everyone I tried to make her gay, and the principal called my father.”

  “Shit. What a bitch.” Skylar clapped a hand over her forehead, almost channeling the embarrassment the young Jess must have felt. “How awful for you.”

  “Yeah, not my favorite memory from my teenage years, but I survived. I told my dad that she made a lot of it up but that I did like girls and not boys.”

  “Was he mad?” Skylar was frozen as she waited for the next installment.

  “Nope. He sat me down and told me to never say a word to my aunt Amy, his sister, because she was crazy and homophobic, but that he loved me more than anything.
He also told me to pick a school I would like to go to instead.”

  “Where did you go?” Skylar never looked away from Jess’s face, engrossed in the tale.

  “Nowhere. I told my dad that I shouldn’t get run out of school because of what one lying mean girl said. So he let me stay. I went back to school and ignored her. We never spoke again, but I watched her go from a little feminine princess to a hormonal stud named Gray intent on bedding anything female within ten miles of her. By the time I was a senior, she had alienated half the class and slept with the rest of it. Of course, her parents blamed me and actually asked for my father to pay for her conversion therapy.”

  “Seriously? What did your dad say?” Skylar hadn’t taken a bite since the story began. A sweating wedge of cheddar was still pinched between her fingers.

  “He told Gray’s dad that he might want to reconsider since conversion therapy was bullshit and the publicity wouldn’t bother us as much as it would him and his social-climbing wife.”

  Skylar laughed loudly. “He said it like that?”

  “Yup. Billy Ivan had a way with words. Needless to say, Gray’s dad backed off. I’m assuming because the political fallout was less than desirable, and he was mostly bluffing.”

  “I’ll say. The media would have loved that story about the diplomats’ daughter. Do you know what happened to her?” Skylar finally ate the bite of cheese and picked up a much cooler French fry as she listened.

  “Strangely enough, I was standing in front of the bar at a costume party last year and she hit on me. I was wearing Dracula makeup and she asked me to dance. I told her no, so she asked me if I would rather go somewhere more private. She actually tapped me on the ass.”

  “Nooo.” Skylar was rapt.

  “I couldn’t help myself, but I broke out and I laughed…hard. I’m not sure she figured out who I was, but she disappeared after that. Someone told me she works as a broker in the financial district.”

  “I think I would have had to tell her who I was just to see the look on her face.” Skylar finally finished the fry, which had gone cold in her fingers.

  “I thought of that, but then I thought that being turned down flat was bad enough for someone like her.”

  “I’m sure it was her own self-doubt that made her do it, but it’s not okay.” Skylar felt slightly angry for something she had nothing to do with that had happened decades ago.

  Their conversation continued, and Jess looked up suddenly and tilted her wrist so Skylar could read her watch. “Do you realize that you and I have been together nonstop for twelve hours? I can honestly say that I haven’t had this much fun talking about exes and complex finances, ever.”

  “I know. I can’t believe it either. I don’t think I’ve felt this relaxed in a long while. Thank you for taking the time to do this.”

  “I think the gratitude goes the other way. I’m not impressed by a lot of people, Skylar, but you impress me.”

  “Kind of you, thank you. You have a long drive, huh?” She rushed to change the subject, much more comfortable with impersonal exchanges than anything complimentary.

  “Not too bad at nine o’clock at night.” Jess smiled and held her eyes. “I guess I should get you home. I believe you’ve had three of these things.” She pointed to the empty cocktail glass without a hint of judgment.

  “I’ll just get a Lyft. No worries. I can get a ride back in the morning.” She dug in her bag for her phone.

  “Why don’t I just pick you up and bring you in?” Jess’s tone was casual. The offer was genuine.

  “Heck no, boss. Do you know the rumors that would start if we showed up together first thing in the morning? I’d like to wait until my probation period is over before replacing Pam Landry as the office tart.”

  Jess laughed and covered her mouth to keep from losing her last sip of wine. “Fine! Take all the fun out of it. People have assumed I sleep with all the women in the company before they get hired. What will this do to my rep?”

  Skylar glanced up, waiting for the rest of the evidence she wasn’t entitled to.

  “No. Not one, not ever, for your information.”

  “You don’t owe me an explanation, boss.” Skylar smiled and studied Jess’s angular features and the long fingers that still held the empty wineglass. Jess had only finished one glass in three hours.

  Skylar tapped open the rideshare app on her phone and began swiping at the screen.

  Jess pulled the phone from her fingers. “Put your shoes on, hobo. I’m driving you home.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I want to.” Jess didn’t allow time for an argument.

  Skylar thought she might likely have found a ride quickly, but it felt good to have Jess want to be responsible for getting her home safely. She momentarily allowed herself the indulgent thought that Jess had enjoyed their interaction as much as she had.

  By the time Skylar had directed Jess to her apartment, she was weary and feeling the long day in her bones. Jess rounded the car and pulled Skylar’s door open. She retrieved her bag from the small trunk before Skylar could reach for it. Skylar caught herself assessing her actions: kind, assured, and deliberate.

  “Want me to walk you up?” She glanced back at Skylar’s small, dark apartment building and returned her eyes to Skylar, who was attempting to quickly tuck her hair behind her ears, sure she looked as tired and messy as she felt.

  “I’m okay, thanks. Thank you for a really good day. You’re a great boss, Jess.”

  “Thank you.” Jess reached over to hug her briefly.

  “Good night. Thank you again.” Skylar hoped her voice didn’t sound as shaky to Jess as it sounded in her own ears. She walked toward the old glass doors and waved as Jess pulled away.

  * * *

  Jess drove in silence until she crossed onto the Bay Bridge. She suddenly wasn’t tired and wasn’t ready to analyze the feeling that she got spending an evening with someone who intrigued her like Skylar did. She resented the fact that she couldn’t find that in someone attainable—that she couldn’t feel that with someone so willing to be with her. She shook her head as if to erase clarifying thoughts and to resume the vague ones she could settle for. She punched a button on the car’s display before her brain could override her fingers.

  Jess tried not to let her confusion infuse her words. “Want to stay up late?”

  Whitney met her in a satiny black nightshirt and her ubiquitous black slip-on heels. Jess said nothing before she captured Whitney’s mouth and unbuttoned the shirt. Whitney groaned with pleasure as Jess laid her down in the middle of the living room carpet.

  She slid her fingers through the silky platinum hair at Whitney’s neck and captured her throat with her teeth. Whitney responded with a whimper and an equally fervent kiss as Jess skated her fingers over her skin and then smoothly pushed them inside her. Whitney arched against her and Jess fought to breathe through the paralyzing sensations Whitney was creating with her response. Jess’s skilled manipulations obliged an abrupt and powerful climax, sating her burning libido temporarily. Jess couldn’t pretend that she didn’t think inexplicably of Skylar while she pressed herself into another woman. She compelled another release from Whitney before she lay against the rug, driven to her own finish by her enthusiastic partner and totally inappropriate images of a different woman altogether.

  “Mmm. A woman possessed, just how I like them.” Whitney slid up Jess’s torso and tucked against her. “This was a nice surprise. Two school-night dates in one week? To what do I owe the pleasure?” Whitney’s fingers wandered through the thick waves behind Jess’s ear.

  “I would hardly call this a date, Whit. Even I can do better planning than that.” Jess looked at her and laughed.

  “Sometimes the best times are unplanned. I love you like this.”

  Jess winced at the word “love,” even in the seemingly innocent context, and felt instantly guilty.

  “Thank you for having me.” Jess smiled at the double entendre and
pulled Whitney more firmly against her.

  “Tough day?” Whitney asked, tracing an abstract pattern over Jess’s collarbone.

  “No, just long.” Jess stayed safely away from the details of her day despite having nothing to be ashamed of.

  “I’d say. Just heading home?” Whitney swept her hair off her neck and laid her cheek on Jess’s shoulder.

  “Yeah. Another long one tomorrow, too.”

  “It’s Friday, are we still getting together tomorrow night?” She looked hopefully at Jess.

  “Sure. I’ll get my AP approvals done early, I hope. Dinner at mine?”

  “I’ll be there.” She trailed a line of kisses up Jess’s bare chest. “You want to stay? I’ll make it worth your while.” She sang softly in Jess’s ear.

  “And then I’ll be too useless to be any good tomorrow. Let’s indulge when we don’t have to get up in the morning.” The deflection was certainly reasonable, and Jess didn’t like sleeping anywhere but her own bed. She wondered if the relationship was different if it really would have mattered. She remembered being infatuated by former partners, fed by them. Nothing would have made her leave their bed because of some inane desire to sleep on her own sheets.

  “Okay then. I’ll hold you to it.”

  “I bet you will.” Jess smiled and rolled up from the floor, taking Whitney with her. She ignored the feeling of dissatisfaction lurking inside her.

  “Feel free to come by and tell me good night like that any time.”

  Jess buttoned her shirt and walked with Whitney at her arm, remarkably still firmly swaying on the heels. Jess drew a last gentle kiss from her lips before she shut the door behind her. She drove quickly home and tried to ignore the unwelcome symphony of emotions pounding at her brain. She couldn’t muster up any profound feelings for Whitney, and she hated the commotion the mix of guilt and disappointment brought to her normally ordered life.

  Chapter Six

  “Are you still alive?”