Finding Sky

by Cass Sellars

  “I think I’m pretty sure. Daddy’s house in the hills should suit her fine. I don’t wish her ill, we just don’t fit anymore. That happens.”

  “Agreed.” Jess arranged the coffee in the filter and started the brew cycle. “Hey, I’m going to Navigation House tomorrow. I’d love to get your thoughts on it if you can make time to go out there with me.”

  “Are you kidding? I would love it.” Skylar longed for a glimpse at the business from the other side of things. She found Jess’s business brain enviable and a little ridiculously intoxicating. She refused to entertain thoughts that there was anything else she found intoxicating. Deb was gone, finally. All the toxic relationship baggage and the ghosts of it were gone, finally. Skylar could finally breathe, and the thought of exchanging her newly found freedom for some unrequited shit storm with her boss, of all people? No, thank you very much.

  “I’ll let you know what time. Bring all your best ideas.”

  “Thank you for letting me tag along, boss.” Skylar jogged back down the stairs to her office and tried to ignore the fact that she wanted to stay and talk to Jess about Navigation House. About Ivan Associates. Hell, she would have discussed the growth rate of crabgrass with Jess.

  Nope. Just no.

  * * *

  Jess opened the passenger door for Skylar and rounded the nose of her car quickly to avoid the heavy mist. Skylar was shaking the moisture from her long hair, loose along her back, when Jess shut them both inside.

  “I love the rain. I wish we got more.” Skylar sounded wistful as she looked over the water and the ferryboat pulling away from the dock. “I’ve often thought about living in Portland or Seattle just to be where there’s more rain.”

  “You can’t,” Jess said quickly, turning onto the highway.

  Skylar laughed and turned in her seat slightly. “And why not?”

  “Because IA currently doesn’t have offices there and you aren’t allowed to leave.” Jess sent her a cheesy grin and signaled before moving into the HOV lane.

  “Is this involuntary servitude or do I get a say?” She played along.

  “You didn’t see the fine print in your contract? I’m afraid you’re stuck. You’re too good for us to lose you.” Jess managed sixty-five on the congested road, which normally averaged forty at best and was a relative parking lot of stop and crawl during peak hours.

  “Good to know I’m appreciated.”

  Jess was genuinely thankful for whatever turns of Skylar’s life put her in the front seat of her car. Skylar had seemed more than casually interested in the project, so this was a perfect opportunity to show off her brainchild and, if she was honest, spend a little time with her away from the office.

  Jess wound the roadster through stop-and-go Mission traffic and pulled into a spot being vacated just in front of a four-story Federal-style house currently shrouded in scaffold and debris netting.

  “Doesn’t look like much now, does it?” Jess gestured to the quilt of steel bars and wood platforms decorating the façade of what she hoped would be Navigation House in a few months.

  “How is the law firm taking it?” Skylar pointed at the ground floor of the building barely visible through the maze of construction accoutrement.

  “In stride, since they would much rather have a rehabbed space than the flophouse it had become around them.”

  Skylar stopped to scan the list of eight names emblazoned on the window. “The lettering makes the whole building look like a scene from a 1970s detective novel.”

  The thick chipped wood door creaked into a wide old foyer that smelled as if it held the remnants of a hundred years of smokers, damp plaster, and old furniture. Jess wrinkled her nose at the stench.

  “Once this carpet is out of here that smell will be gone, I hope. If not, I’ll come in and torch it myself.” Jess covered her nose with her jacket in self-defense.

  “Good heavens, that is a strong smell. It kind of reminds me of how my grandparents’ house smelled. They had stopped smoking long before I was born, but the odor never went away. I still associate cigar smoke with happy old people, though.”

  Skylar looked wistful for a moment, and Jess thought she saw the door to her stoic vault crack open just a bit.

  “So, the law firm will stay over there, and we envision this front room as the office and manager’s area. The back rooms will be dining and kitchen, pretty much as they are now, just not so gross,” Jess said, picturing each room. “I think the kitchen was upgraded somewhere around the fifties.” Jess pointed at the turquoise Formica and avocado appliances that held court around the perimeter of the large square room.

  “This could use a face-lift for sure, but kids in crisis don’t care about appliances, they just care about their ability to eat,” Skylar said quietly.

  Jess looked at her and tried to assess the tonal shift in Skylar’s voice and demeanor. “I suppose you’re right. Still, I’d like to be sure that it’s safe and eliminate the ugly along the way.”

  They climbed steep stairs that creaked with every footfall.

  “I suppose we could leave the loud stairs to be sure we knew who was coming in and out at any hour of the day.” Jess’s joke was lost on Skylar, who seemed to be mentally inventorying every inch of the old building. Her fingertips tapped, touched, or scraped along every surface they passed.

  “These kids need to sleep. They need to feel like they’re in a secure environment, so we have to fix that.”

  Jess listened as Skylar seemed to feel the words as she said them.

  “I was just kidding, we’ll definitely fix it.” Jess saw a crease in Skylar’s forehead as she pulled her eyes across every corner of the derelict house.

  They stopped in each of the rooms. Small, dingy boxes with a kitchenette in each could fetch $2,500 a month in the hot San Francisco market, but in this case, the money didn’t interest Jess. She consulted the plans on her phone and tilted the sketch so Skylar could view it as well.

  “So, the idea is that we turn the kitchenettes into desk areas, leaving the sink with a small fridge and microwave. That way, the only queue will be for showers and toilets.”

  “That would actually be nice.” Skylar scanned the room slowly.

  “There are twelve rooms, all the same or similar. There was some discussion about doubling up and creating a roommate situation.” Jess looked at the small area and considered.

  “I know I’m not being asked, but…” Skylar began.

  “Go ahead, I want to know what you think.”

  “I know financially it would be better if it’s a double occupancy situation, but you’re preparing these kids to be independent, maybe for the first time. Learning to be alone is a huge hump to get over. A lot of them have abandonment issues, a real fear of being deserted. They can double up if they want, but they also need to experience their own space.”

  Skylar wasn’t really talking to her. She seemed far away when she skimmed the dingy countertop with her fingertips. Jess thought she saw her hands shake. She fought the ridiculous urge to put her arms around Skylar, who suddenly looked fragile. When Skylar noticed Jess looking in her direction, she pulled her hand away and shoved it into her jacket pocket.

  “What’s next?” She passed Jess and entered the expanse of the hallway again.

  “Nothing much out here.” They walked through a large space on the landing before the stairway to the third floor.

  “Any plans to put furniture here?” Skylar asked and walked around the area.

  Jess shrugged. “I hadn’t thought about it. Why?”

  “It would be useful for them to socialize without having to invite others into their private space if they didn’t want to. It could be a security thing, too.”

  “Good idea, definitely doable.” Jess agreed. “Upstairs then?” She pointed at the once-grand staircase almost sagging from the years of abuse and untold history.

  Skylar nodded and followed her, her eyes never leaving the walls. Jess avoided touching the once-white gl
ossy oil paint from years ago, as it now boasted streaks of city soot and fingerprints. Skylar tapped her hand over plaster cracks and exposed lath, saying nothing.

  They arrived at the top landing, which mirrored the second floor in number of rooms and layout. A narrow door opened onto another staircase, tiny and dark. Stored heat rolled out in stuffy waves when Jess dragged it open.

  Jess looked at Skylar as if they shared a common uneasiness. “I’ll go first, but you watch for ghosts.”

  “I got your back.” Skylar finally cracked a smile, and Jess climbed into the barren expanse, clearly never used for more than storage and aging holiday decorations. A broken silver Christmas ball and an eight-inch remnant of garland acted as fractured witnesses.

  Jess turned to Skylar. “Do you think that the kids would like to have this as their socializing space instead? Or maybe a study space?”

  Skylar turned 360 degrees, appraising the pitched roof and tunneled dormers.

  “I think it would be a nice all-purpose room, maybe for TV and movies? The noise from everywhere in the world gets to be too much, so maybe making the sleeping floors sort of media free would be a better idea. The windows open, right?” She walked closer to the small casement squares of glass.

  “If they don’t now, they will.” Jess blew out a breath and took a step back down. “Too hot for me up here. Ready?”

  Skylar nodded and followed Jess back to the third floor. They stopped at a back expanse of windows overlooking a scrubby garden.

  “I’d bet they would love a barbecue. Like normal people have on holidays…like the Fourth of July.” Skylar described chairs around a grill and a game of horseshoes, which she said she had never played.

  Jess watched as her pale eyes became unfocused again at a seemingly pleasant memory. She wondered why the innocence of the recall tugged at her slightly. Like she could cry for something or someone she never forgot.

  Returning to the ground level, she dragged open a narrow wooden door hiding exposed wooden stairs. Jess briefly considered offering it to a studio for a bad scary movie. She had no idea how many hidden nooks there were in the cavernous space. She was halfway down the rickety stairs to the basement when she looked back at Skylar.

  “Don’t worry, the ghosts are only in the attic.” Jess stopped in mid-descent and waited for Skylar to start down behind her.

  Skylar seemed to steel herself against the promise of a dingy destination and forced her feet to take the old stairs slowly. Jess watched as she grasped the grubby white-painted banister with rigid fingers, despite the filth that wrapped around the cracked wood and coated her hands.

  The door clicked closed behind her and she whipped around at the sound. Jess stepped onto the final landing and turned back, expecting Skylar to be close behind her. Instead she appeared frozen on a middle stair. Jess took the steps back up two at a time and held Skylar’s elbow.

  “Sorry, I know these stairs look crumbly, but they’re really okay.” Jess didn’t think the condition of the stairs was what weighed on Skylar, but she allowed her the dignity to accept the explanation. “We can go back if you want. There’s nothing really down here anyway.”

  “I refuse to let a rickety staircase into a basement beat me.” She made it to the bottom of the stairs and obviously forced a breath of the dank air that hovered over the large room. She dropped off the last step behind Jess and cast an eye over the area.

  Jess stood near Skylar and saw the thin sheen of sweat on Skylar’s face. She kept talking but watched her closely.

  “So, I was thinking, maybe we have another area down here, not necessarily a bedroom, but I don’t know, a ping-pong table or some kind of recreation area.”

  Skylar shook her head emphatically and seemed to try to grip the dirty bricks beneath the window. She continued to finger the blocks despite the fact that she wasn’t really looking at them. She didn’t appear to be looking at anything, really.

  Skylar swallowed audibly and made a strangled sound Jess couldn’t interpret. Perhaps she wasn’t meant to.

  “No, not down here. Upstairs. Kids shouldn’t be in a space this scary.” She braced her other hand against the wall, seemingly to steady herself even though she hadn’t taken a step. Jess saw her touch the back of her head repeatedly.

  “They shouldn’t know what a basement smells like or how damp it feels at night or how dark it is.”

  Jess heard her voice shake and she looked pale. Skylar’s fingers scrabbled at the ancient latch on the cloudy window. When it wouldn’t immediately open for her, her lips trembled, and she moved to the next one. She bit down on her bottom lip as if to stop the shaking sensation.

  Skylar whispered something to herself about being childish. Jess heard “not alone” several times and reached over Skylar to move the latch that her fingers hadn’t been able to manipulate.

  Jess gently pulled her wrists away from the wall and placed her hands at her sides. She wanted nothing more than to stop what was clearly terrifying Skylar. Jess could almost feel her panic, and seeing Skylar so undone was almost painful.

  “Cold,” Skylar said under her breath and wrapped her arms around her torso. “Very cold.”

  Jess didn’t think Skylar heard her voice as she repeatedly said her name.

  “Skylar look at me. You’re okay. We’re okay.” She pulled Skylar against her and held her without analyzing her actions.

  Skylar felt fragile and her entire body trembled. Jess’s arms tightened around her and she hoped Skylar felt a sense of stability for a moment. She heard Skylar’s breath, loud against the heavy fabric of her jacket. Jess braced Skylar more tightly still and waited.

  Skylar tried to pull away after a few long moments. She seemed to focus again. Jess hadn’t let go. She couldn’t.

  Skylar looked up at her.

  “Why are you squeezing me so tight?” She blinked and arched away.

  “I guess I hoped maybe you would stop shaking.” Jess slowly let her go, ready to reach for her if she started to slip back again.

  “I’ve been shaking for about twenty years, so good luck with that.” Her attempt at levity and deflection was obvious. “I guess I’m not so good with basements.” Skylar took a loud gulping breath as she rushed up toward street level.

  “Yeah, me either. I think we should use the room for storage. A good cellar for the kitchen and household supplies once it’s cleaned up, don’t you think?” Jess left the obvious questions unasked and shut the door behind them. This certainly wasn’t the time for a deep dive into what sent Skylar someplace so dark.

  “Yeah, that would be good.” She took another loud ragged breath and passed Jess out of the front door and into the street.

  They drove in silence across the bridge until Jess couldn’t stand it any longer. “Do you want to talk?”

  Skylar shrugged. “No. Why? There’s nothing to say. Just an irrational fear from when I was a kid. Couldn’t get out of a basement once. You would think I’d be over it by now, wouldn’t you?” She attempted a laugh, but her pale skin and continued irregular breathing told a different story.

  “You should have told me no,” Jess said, feeling responsible for the situation even though she couldn’t have anticipated it.

  “I should be over it by now. I’m an adult.” She seemed to be chastising herself, not really soliciting Jess’s opinion.

  “I don’t think you should go back there again,” Jess said finally.

  “Of course I should. I want to see it look fabulous and visit all the people who get to live there.” Skylar sat straighter in her seat and opened the window, looking relieved at the fresh air.

  Jess thought Skylar looked tiny and broken. She had the impulse to take her hand but refrained. She cursed her inner rescuer, but the terrified look on Skylar’s face in that basement was indelible.

  Jess pulled over at a side street and searched for words.

  “Would you like to go get some coffee and talk? I don’t want you trying to work when you’re feeling b
ad.”

  “Jess, I’m fine. I don’t need a babysitter. I just got a little claustrophobic. I’m fine now. Sorry to worry you.” Skylar’s tone was decisive.

  “I’m a good listener if you ever want to talk, okay?” Jess offered as she reluctantly reentered traffic. It wasn’t fair to push, and she didn’t have the right to. Still, she wished she could take the haunted look from Skylar’s eyes.

  “Sure. And thanks. Better get back to the office unless you’re paying employees to slack off. And if that’s the case, then your finance manager will probably be really upset.”

  The attempt at humor was forced and ineffective, but Skylar clearly wanted some distance. Jess was sure she felt humiliated that she had required any sort of rescue from a dark place, tangible or not.

  “Right. Okay then.” Jess raced the car onto the bridge. The remainder of the ride was silent and awkward. She couldn’t think of anything else to say, and Skylar seemed to be lost in her own thoughts. When they got back to the office Skylar thanked her for letting her see the new project, then headed straight for her desk.

  Jess managed a few hours of work punctuated by staring through her window at Skylar, who looked intent on cramming an entire day’s worth of work into an afternoon’s worth of spreadsheets. Between phone calls, new files, old files, and delegations, she didn’t seem to stop. Jess wondered if she was trying to erase her morning or prove something.

  Jess couldn’t shake the feeling that something more happened in that basement, or at least some basement somewhere that Skylar didn’t want to discuss. Skylar’s reaction was deep and terrifying. She wanted to understand what obliterated her now, and whatever had happened before. Jess knew she was clearly not invited to share that particular experience.

  She suspected that she wasn’t the first person Skylar had locked out. She idly considered why her secrets mattered any more than those of any other of her employees, but she was determined to avoid the answer. Within minutes she managed to convince herself that after hiring Pam Landry and all the accompanying lies that came with her, she needed to know who was sitting in that office now. Skylar literally had the keys to every vault and every dollar Ivan Associates controlled. One wrong intention and millions could mean the difference between success and devastation.