by Rowan Shaw
"So what did you need to talk about?" I changed the subject.
Charlotte wiped the corner of her mouth with her thumb. "I'm so lost."
I raised my hand still holding the leash and tore off a chunk of my pastry with two fingers.
"It's like my hormones are all over the place. Almost like when I was a teen."
"What do you mean?"
She looked around as if worried someone might hear. "Since I realized I might be into women, that's all I've been thinking about. I see pretty women everywhere now and wonder 'what if.'"
"You want to sleep with them?" I asked.
"I don't know. Not always. Sometimes. Like I might see a gorgeous woman and just stare, but not necessarily want to bed her. Some others really attract me, though."
I ate half my apple turnover but had to stop in my tracks when Opale decided that was the best time for her to take a dump. We tried not to look, but I groaned when I realized I'd have to pick it up. I made a face and swallowed down the rest of my pastry with barely enough time to enjoy it.
"Thank you, Opale. That was very nice of you," I complained around a mouthful and slipped my plastic gloves on while chewing on the big piece. The apple sauce pooled over my tongue and down my throat, its sugary taste mixing with the buttery crust. Then I bent down and picked up the dog's mess, wrapped it all up in a bag that I threw in the nearest trash can.
Opale seemed cold now. French bulldogs were on the fragile side, and exercise wasn't their forte, so I took pity on the poor thing and picked her up to keep her in my trench coat, with only her head poking out. Her feet were wet and cold against my clothes, but I didn't care. If the dog caught death, Raphaël would kill me.
Charlotte stared. "You're so cute, you know that?"
"I'd rather people called me hot, but I guess I'll have to settle for cute," I laughed.
"Like you don't already know you're hot."
I shrugged.
She finished her millefeuille and licked her fingers. My eyes caught on the motions of her mouth opening and closing around her digits, her tongue twirling around them. I felt myself harden just from looking at her. I'd been thinking about her tongue on me a bit too much since our foursome. It felt like forever ago now, and I wasn't sure why I hadn't asked her for a repeat yet. Charlotte looked at me, her cheeks flushed from the cold, her beanie hat hiding almost all of her pixie cut.
"I don't know how to say this..." she started.
Opale pushed her head against my neck as we kept walking.
"What is it?"
"I touched myself last night," she said.
"Yes, so what?" Unless I had someone in bed with me, I jerked myself off every night, too. No big deal.
"I did it thinking of Nour," she added. Because her cheeks were already flushed from the weather, I couldn't tell if she was also blushing from embarrassment.
I cocked my head to the side. "Really?" My shoulders relaxed. "To be honest, I'm relieved."
"Why?"
"You were so weird around her the one time. I thought you might be transphobic."
Her mouth dropped open. "How could you even think that?"
"Well, like I said, you were acting weird."
She looked down, another blush rising to her cheeks. "I find her intimidating."
"Intimidating? Nour?" I burst out laughing. Nour had to be one of the most laidback people I knew—besides Raphaël, that was.
"Don't make fun," she scolded me, narrowing her eyes.
"I'm just surprised, that's all. You seemed so secure the night we..."
"It was different."
"How?"
"I'm used to being around men, flirting with them, all that. But Nour, she's just..." Her blush spread all over her face. "She's so pretty."
I stared at her, blinking twice. "You have a crush on Nour?"
"No!" she interjected instantly.
"Right. You don't have a crush on her. You just masturbate thinking of her."
"I tried not to do it. Every time I visualize a woman in my fantasies, I feel this intense guilt and try to force myself to think of men instead."
When the cold seemed to be too much for Opale, I offered to go back to the apartment.
"Did that happen to you?" she asked as we turned around. "When you found out you were bi? Did you try not to be?"
I shook my head. "Being bi is the best thing that ever happened in my life. So no, I didn't try not to be. And even if I tried, it's not something we choose and can change."
She stared, perplexed. "How? How can it be the best thing in your life?"
I gave a tiny smile. "Because there is nothing wrong with being bi. I wouldn't want to change who I am even if someone created a machine to make me straight."
She looked at me, even more puzzled.
"It's true," I insisted.
"What if I like women but never sleep with one? Would I still be queer?"
"You don't need to sleep with people to be queer, Charlotte." I cast her a sideways glance as we scurried down the street past all the shops and cafés to get to the apartment. "You really need to watch my videos. I think they might help you."
"Does it make me a perv that I touched myself thinking about your friend?"
I laughed. "If it does, then I'm a perv too because I sure did the same...many times."
"Did you...?" She shifted on her feet. "Did you have sex with her?"
"Yes. But only one night."
"You did?" she gasped.
I nodded.
"How was it?"
"Incredible."
"I wouldn't even know where to start."
"Where to start?" I asked.
"If I were with a woman. She would know I have no experience."
"So what? We all need to start somewhere. I think you need to figure out where your doubt and guilt stem from first. There's nothing wrong with having sex as long as every consenting participant is of age, Charlotte."
"I know that. Of course I know that."
"You didn't feel guilty about what we did with Adrien and Raphaël, did you?"
"Nope. Definitely not."
"So why the guilt over women?"
Charlotte cleared her throat, shivering under the cold. "The first time someone called me a slut, I was in college. It was after I'd found out my boyfriend was cheating. Me and two of my friends had a bit too much to drink, and it ended with the three of us in bed. It was my first time having two guys all to myself. It was insane. We did it again a few times the following weeks, but one of them must have opened his mouth, because someone found out and the news spread through our entire dorm. That was when I realized how unfair the world could be to women.
"My friends were revered by other males, and a bunch of our female classmates started flirting with them. Those were the same women who would call me a slut every chance they got. When they wouldn't stop harassing me, I started viewing sex as a way to rebel. If people didn't want me to orgasm, then I would do it just to piss them off. I learned not to feel guilty for having sex, but to view sex as a way to free myself and get back at my haters."
"Why can't it be the same with women, then?" I asked. "If society doesn't want you to be with women, the most rebellious thing you could do is say 'fuck off' and be with one."
"I don't think I'm ready yet. This is all so new to me."
When we arrived at the building, I let Charlotte in first and followed her to the elevator, where I dropped Opale to the ground.
"There's a first time for everything, Charlotte. If we feared everything we'd never tried, we wouldn't ever live at all."
We stepped into the hallway when the elevator hit the right level, and I let us into the apartment, then unleashed Opale, who went shooting for the living room. After taking my boots off, I washed my hands at the kitchen sink, and Charlotte and I crashed on the living room couch. Silence seeped in between us quickly. To diffuse the discomfort, I pulled her to me so she could lay her head on my lap and relax.
"Thank you," she sa
id, lying on her back and staring up at me.
"For what?"
"For making me feel better about this. And for not making fun of me."
I smiled. "There is nothing to make fun of."
"Do you think I should, then?" she asked.
"What?" I looked into her dark eyes while caressing her short hair.
"Sleep with a woman."
"Would it help if it happened in a threesome?"
"Maybe. With whom?"
I gave a naughty smile. "Nour asked if I wanted to meet her for sex sometime."
Charlotte sat up instinctively and looked at me over her shoulder. "I couldn't."
"Charlotte, you're incredible in bed." It was insane how self-conscious she was about this. "We could lead. Nour and me. We'd only do things you're comfortable with."
"What if she doesn't like me that way?"
"Oh, trust me, she does," I asserted.
"How do you know?"
"Because she told me you're hot."
Charlotte gasped. "You told her I'm bi?"
I shook my head. "No, but I may have told her about our foursome."
Charlotte's shoulders sagged in relief. "Oh, okay. That's fine."
"Why are you so afraid to tell other queers you're bi?" I asked.
"I don't know."
I got it, though. She wasn't ready. And some queers hated bisexuals, so I couldn't blame her. Who wanted to face prejudice from their own community when they weren't even ready to accept themselves to begin with?
"We don't have to do this," I said. "It's only if you want to."
She lay her head back down on my lap. "Maybe if we hung out and it happened..." she suggested.
"I would need to explain the situation to Nour first," I said. "She'd need to know it's your first time so she could guide you and stop when you're uncomfortable."
Charlotte gave an unconvincing nod. "Can I think about it?"
"Of course."
"When did you have your first threesome?" she asked.
"Hugo and I were twenty. It was just guys because Hugo is fully gay."
"What about your first experience involving another gender?"
"I was about twenty-one. Hugo let me experiment for a while until he decided it made him uncomfortable. There'd be times when he'd let me, but it happened less and less over time, until he asked me to stop completely."
Her gaze never wavered from mine. "You're so comfortable to lie on. Can I stay like this for a while?"
I resumed stroking her short hair. "I really want ice cream, though. Do you want some?"
"In this weather?"
"Sure, why not? It's hot in here."
She shrugged one shoulder. "Okay, then."
Chapter 18
NOAH
"You're sure you got everything?" Adrien asked Raphaël the morning of their departure for Guadeloupe.
"Oui."
Adrien turned to me. "Remember, Thomas is coming on Tuesday to clean the apartment. Ila's litter is in the cabinet under the—"
"Yeah, yeah, I know." I shut him up with a quick kiss. "Just go already. You're going to be late. Enjoy your trip and stop worrying. Text me when...you know..." I gestured what I meant without another word and sent a quick glance at Raphaël. He was busy saying goodbye to Opale and reassuring her they'd be back soon. I couldn't wait to hear about his reaction to Adrien's proposal.
Adrien gave a wink. "Take good care of our pets."
He gave me one last glance over his shoulder before walking out, followed by Raphaël dragging their suitcase behind.
The door closed, and my shoulders sagged. I looked at my watch. Ten A.M. When I entered the living room, I figured it wasn't too early to text Charlotte. I was hoping she wouldn't be too busy today since she was off for a week. Raphaël had assured me she was in town.
Me: Hey, how have you been? Would you like to hang out?
Charlotte: Always.
I gave a smile. A few dots appeared then popped into thin air just to make another appearance.
Charlotte: Where d'you wanna meet?
Me: Ever been to the Museum of Erotica?
Charlotte: It's closed.
Me: Oh how about tomorrow, then?
Charlotte: No, it's closed permanently.
My heart sank.
Me: Why?
Charlotte: Not enough funds. Want to hang out at my place instead?
I stared at the message. I couldn't assume it was an invitation for more. She hadn't mentioned sex or a potential threesome with Nour again since we'd discussed the idea. I shrugged. Any time spent with her was nice no matter what we did.
Me: Give me forty-five minutes to get ready, and I'll head over.
My spirit lifted quickly as I headed to the bathroom and showered before applying my makeup. I told the dog I'd be right back. It hadn't been an hour since Raphaël left, but Opale was sulking already. This promised to be a fun week.
Chapter 19
NOAH
Charlotte kissed my cheeks the moment I walked into her studio in the eighteenth arrondissement. Her place comprised a tiny foyer with a closet on one side and the bathroom on the other side. The rest was just one room that served as her bedroom, living room, dining room, and kitchen all in one. The wide window over her bed opened to a view of the Parisian gray roofs and busy streets, bringing in some nice luminosity. Vintage movie posters ornamented her light blue walls, but most of the room was devoid of décor. She had less junk lying around than I did. Everything was clean and tidy—almost as aseptic as Adrien's place—and it smelled like her intoxicating jasmine perfume. The mere scent of it was an aphrodisiac.
"Do you want a coffee or something else to drink?" she asked as she stood by her sink.
"Some herbal tea would be nice if you have some."
"You got it."
I took off my coat and sat at her table, then watched as she rifled through her cabinets for some tea and a kettle that she filled with water before setting it on the stove.
"You want some Petit Beurre as well?" she asked.
"Sure."
She smiled broadly and spread some shortbreads on a plate, then bit into one, her eyes set on me as she pushed them over the table.
"What's new with you?"
Charlotte shrugged and looked in the distance. "Is it bad that I wish I were still straight?"
That wasn't quite how I'd expected the conversation to go. I frowned upon seeing the sadness in her eyes. "You were never straight, Charlotte. You thought you were straight. There's a difference."
She nodded, her gaze still turned away from me as she ate more of her shortbread.
"You don't want any?" she asked when she noticed I hadn't touched a single one.
"Sure." If that would make her happy, I'd eat the whole plate.
The kettle whistled on the stove just as I reached for one, and Charlotte stood to bring everything to the table, including some sugar cubes. "The tea's blueberry-flavored. That's all I have."
"That's fine." I grabbed three sugar cubes and dropped them in my cup, then picked a teabag and poured the boiling water over it. "I have to ask you something."
She nodded as she poured her drink and finished nibbling on her Petit Beurre.
"Did you think about my offer?" I didn't feel at ease asking, and it didn't help that our conversation was interrupted by loud shouting from above. Something crashed on the floor before a woman yelled a litany of curses at some guy bellowing back at her.
Charlotte rolled her eyes. "Don't mind them. They'll be fucking in ten seconds. It's like that every day. Anyway, what offer were you talking about?"
"Concerning Nour." It was hard to focus through the ruckus.
Charlotte shifted in her seat, growing instantly uncomfortable.
"It can remain between you and me for now," I said. "If you want, we could hang out with her without telling her anything. That way, you could get to know her better. Even after that, you don't have to say yes. You can change your mind anytime—even if we�
��ve already started. I'm just offering, but at no point should you feel like you have to do this."
"I think I'd like that. Hanging out with her first." She groaned, her beautiful face tightening in frustration. "I feel so damn stupid."
"Why?"
"Because this is so unlike me. Did you know that when I met Raphaël, I was the one who asked to get in his pants? Not the other way around."
I gave a lopsided smile. I wasn't surprised. "No, he never said."
"I've always been straightforward with men. Why is this terrifying me? It's just sex."
"Charlotte, when I sleep with women, it's not the same as when I'm with men. Your reservations are normal."
"Really?" She seemed dubious.
"Yes, and the act will feel different. I enjoy taking over with women, but I love it when a man has full control," I explained. "And it's fine if you prefer men over other genders."
"Wouldn't that make me a fraud?"
"No, many bisexuals have a preference. You don't owe it to anyone to prove that you're queer. Our society is so repressive, it's okay to be scared." I took a sip of my tea and grabbed her hand. "Would you like me to call her or send her a text? See what she's up to now?"
"I think I need to sleep on it first."
I gave a knowing smile. "Sleep on it or masturbate on it?"
"Pfff, will you stop?" She pursed her lips, but her gaze twinkled with amusement.
I laughed until she looked me straight in the eyes, turning serious. "Would you like to sleep here tonight?"
I froze. "Uh, do you mean sleep or sleep?"
"The guys are gone to Guadeloupe, right? So why not stay here? At least for one night." I didn’t miss that she had stealthily avoided my question.
"I'd need to go back to take Opale out and check on Ila," I said, hesitating. I took another quick look at her place. "And you only have a twin bed." I didn't want to sound like a diva, but I didn't feel like sleeping on the floor.
Charlotte licked her lower lip. Watching the motion of her tongue was enough to shoot a fierce need all the way down to my crotch. I knew she used that tongue like an expert, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't want more.
"We could spoon..." she suggested, "...with you inside me."
I just stared at her.
When I didn't respond, she tapped my arm. "Well, say something."
