by Hayden Hunt
“I mean, it’s not just Chelsea that deserves happiness. Someone will love you like that, too. You’ll feel a connection with somebody.”
“Yeah.” He gave a nervous smile. “You know, I’m starting to realize that too. Maybe even sooner than I think.”
Wait… What? Was he alluding to what I thought he was? No, that couldn’t be what he meant, I was imagining it.
Was I, though? The way he was looking at me… I knew I wasn’t drunk now. I knew that my senses weren’t clouded with alcohol and I was usually pretty good at reading flirtation. He was looking at me like a guy who was interested in me would look at me.
“Are you going to tell her today?” I asked, trying to distract myself because I couldn’t be right. I just couldn’t be.
“Yeah. I already called out of work, feeling too shitty to go anyway. And I know she has the day off so I’m going to go home and tell her everything I need to say. I don’t think she’ll be very happy, and I’ll hate to see her in pain, but it’s my only choice. If I stay with her out of obligation, I’m going to ruin both of our lives.”
“You really are doing the right thing,” I reassured him.
“I know. I just really do care about her, you know?”
“I know. But this is the way you show it.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” He let out a deep breath. “I should probably go, get this over with. And I bet you need to go to work.”
“Yeah, pretty soon, actually.”
He stood up from the table very slowly. “Thanks again. Last night was, uh, fun.” He paused awkwardly. “Well, maybe fun is the wrong word. But it was eye opening. I hope that we can hang out again sometime.”
“Yeah, me too,” I agreed.
“I’ll talk to you later, then?” he said as he started walking backward toward the door.
“Yeah, sure. Hey, wait!” I said quickly. “I don’t think I ever got your number.”
We exchanged numbers really quick and then said our goodbyes again.
The disappointment I felt as he walked out the door was strange. I wondered when the next time I’d get to see him was.
I hoped it’d be soon.
5
Miles
When I got home, I was surprised to find that Chelsea wasn’t there. At first, I thought maybe I had mixed up her schedule for the week. Did she work today?
But I quickly realized that wasn’t the reason she was gone when I went into our bedroom and found most of her things were gone. On her side of the bed, she had left a note.
Miles,
I’m not sure what to do anymore. I feel like I’ve tried my absolute best here. But you have no interest in even coming home and talking to me.
I think you refusing to let me pick you up was the last straw. It taught me just how important I am to you. I am not even worth minor inconvenience in your life. Even when it feels like my world is falling apart.
So you didn’t want to be home last night; now I don’t want to be home tonight. I barely slept last night. I was crying for most of it as I thought about this relationship. It’s too much for me. I can’t deal with this level of stress right now.
I don’t know when I’ll be home. I’ll let you know, but it won’t be for a while. I’m at my parents’ house. I’m not saying that the engagement is off, not yet anyway. I’ll give you a chance to say your piece before I decide that. But for now, I just need my space.
I hope you know by now how serious I am about things changing. It was hard enough when you stopped sleeping with me, but our relationship has devolved to the point where you don’t even speak to me most days. This isn’t what I imagined my relationship would be like before I got married. We’re supposed to be more in love than ever before and ready to dedicate our lives together.
If we can’t even get through this engagement, how are we supposed to get through a lifelong marriage? Seriously, please think on that. Because I don’t have the answer myself.
- Chelsea
Well, shit. So much for getting this over with.
I actually was disappointed that she didn’t break up with me in the letter. It would have made things a lot easier for me.
So, what now? I had to wait for her to get home? Who knew when that would be? She didn’t even know! I couldn’t wait weeks to talk to her about this.
Now that I’d made the decision, I felt compelled to make it fast. I wanted to move on with my life. I knew that there was a chance I could be happy now, and I wanted to take it.
Okay, and maybe Aidan had something to do with that. I really, really wanted to explore my feelings for him. And I couldn’t do that while I was still with Chelsea. No way, I would never cheat on her like that. Even if I was about to end the relationship.
It probably should have scared me to want to explore things with Aidan. You’d think that discovering you might be gay would be a pretty big shock. But it didn’t feel like that for me. I wasn’t fighting it at all; on the contrary, it made me happier than I felt in a long time.
Just the knowledge that I could be happy with him was enough for me. I was riding on a high from last night. That little spark between us was enough to keep me excited, even as I was away from him. Even as I was dealing with the ending of my ten-year relationship.
God, I was dreading talking to Chelsea, though. How bad was this going to hurt her? When I thought of her pain, it almost made me want to stay.
But if I wanted her to actually be happy, this was what would be best for her. She may be in pain now, but she’d be happy eventually. She’d meet someone else, someone who could give her everything that I never could. She’d thank me for this one day.
All right, no, that part was probably fantasy. She was probably going to hate me forever for stringing her along this way. I took ten years of her damn life. I wasn’t exactly a saint for letting her go now.
But at least it wasn’t something I did on purpose. I didn’t know that I was gay this entire time. If I had, I wouldn’t have stayed with her and forced other through this. I was just as clueless as she was.
Hell, I was more clueless than she was. At least she knew something was wrong. I really thought this was how relationships were supposed to be.
As happy as I was to have these feelings for Aidan, that was probably the only thing that disappointed me. If I’d known sooner, I could have been happier so much sooner.
I wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten with Chelsea in high school. Would I have learned this on my own? Somehow I didn’t think so. The idea of liking men never even occurred to me. All I knew was that I hadn’t been particularly interested in women.
It was this town. What Aidan had said was right. This town was so fucking conservative. Maybe if there were some openly gay men around, I could have considered that I might be one of them. But as things were now, those thoughts really became repressed in my brain. I was sure I wasn’t the only guy in this town to experience that either.
I decided to try calling Chelsea. I knew she told me she needed space, but what else could I do? She was right. I didn’t want to address our problems before but I wanted to address them now. Maybe not the way she wanted, but I still needed to tell her that.
I wasn’t going to do that over the phone. That would be beyond fucked up. To end a ten-year relationship and engagement without even being face to face? No, I owed her more than that.
But I could still call her and find out when she’d be home. Maybe schedule a time we could meet and talk.
I dialed her number and, of course, it went to voicemail the first time.
“Chelsea, look, please pick up the phone. I know you want space, but I need to know when you’re going to be home. We need to talk. Please call me.”
I called a few more times, getting sent to voicemail each time. On the fourth ring, she finally picked up.
“So, now you want to talk?” she said, annoyed. “Now that I’m gone, you finally want to address the issue? Is that what it takes to get you to pay atten
tion to me?”
Well, when she put it like that, I sounded like a dick. As if I was only going to chase her when she threatened to leave. Really, nothing could be farther from the truth. I wanted to leave her.
But I wondered how I would have reacted if I hadn’t decided to end the relationship? Would I have freaked out and tried to run after her?
No, sadly, I didn’t think so. I probably would have been relieved that she was gone. That was fucked up, but it was true. I would have used her time away as a little vacation for myself and waited for her to get home.
Apparently, she thought that would be the case, too. The next thing she said solidified it.
“I’m actually surprised you called at all, though. I didn’t think even this would move you to action. So I guess you calling is something.”
Damn, if I didn’t feel like a dick before, I definitely did now.
“Chelsea, I’m sorry I didn’t come home last night. That was fucked up. I was really drunk when I talked to you and I wasn’t thinking right. But when will you give me a chance to talk about this with you?”
“I don’t know, Miles. I feel like I just need a couple days for myself.”
“I right, I understand that. But can I talk to you about everything in a few days, then?”
She paused. “Yeah, I guess that will work.”
“Thanks, Chelsea. Again, I’m really sorry.” And I truly was, I’d been an ass.
“Okay. But don’t call me for the next couple days.”
“As long as you’ll be home in a few days, I swear I won’t.”
“Fine. I’ll see you in a few days.”
“Okay. See you then.”
I almost added on an ‘I love you’ to the end of that like we usually did when we were done talking. But I was careful not to. It felt too awkward, knowing that I was going to be breaking up with her and everything.
I sprawled out on my bed, completely and totally frustrated. Even waiting days felt like too much. I wanted to get this over with.
But if I couldn’t talk to Chelsea about how I was feeling right now, there was still someone I could talk to. Someone else I needed to make a confession to.
I pulled out my phone and texted Aidan.
“Hey, sorry if this is weird, but are you free tonight?” I sent.
My heart was racing immediately after I pressed send. I hoped he wouldn’t be too freaked out by this. But, to my relief, he answered right away.
“Sure, what do you want to do?”
Huh, what did I want to do? Really, all I wanted to do was talk.
“How about we meet up at your place again?” I asked.
I considered for a moment asking him to come over here, but it didn’t feel right. It somehow felt disrespectful to Chelsea to bring my new love interest into our home and tell him how I felt. How would I feel if she did that to me?
Well, okay, in reality I probably wouldn’t care too much. But she felt differently for me than I felt for her and I took that into consideration.
“Sure. I’ll be home at seven,” he sent back.
“I’ll see you then,” I replied with a smile on my face.
I was really hoping I’d get to speak to Chelsea before I talked to Aidan, because like I said, I wouldn’t cheat on her under any circumstances. And it’d definitely be tempting if I told him I felt a spark between us and he returned the feeling.
But I’d have to deal with that temptation. I knew I had enough willpower not to give into my feelings. I was going to tell him how I felt, but I wouldn’t do anything with him. Nothing that would be considered cheating in Chelsea’s eyes.
And that was completely fine with me. I wouldn’t need to touch Aidan. Simply telling him what I was feeling would be enough for me. If he felt similarly, I’d be able to ride that high for days until I could break up with Chelsea.
Ugh, I still felt like a piece of shit thinking like that, though. I felt so sorry for Chelsea. But I kept telling myself this had to be done, for both of us to have our best shot at happiness.
I already knew, though, my best shot at happiness was going to be with Aidan.
6
Aidan
Ever since I got Miles’ text, my mind wouldn’t stop racing.
Why did he want to hang out again so soon? And just at my house? He texted me only an hour after he left.
My mind immediately went to the best case scenario. That I wasn’t wrong about him being interested in me and he was going to come over with some big romantic gesture.
That was crazy, of course. I was living in a fantasy land on that one. But the only alternative was to think he was coming over for a shitty reason and I’d rather fantasize about something good than let my paranoia run wild.
Work really dragged on. I couldn’t wait for it to be over, to go see Miles and find out what he wanted.
Time went by slowly but, eventually, the time had passed and I was able to go home. When I did, I could see Miles’ car was already there. Apparently I wasn’t the only eager one here.
“Hey,” I said as I got out of my car.
“Hi,” Miles said as he stepped out of his. “I’m sorry, I’m a half an hour early. I was going to just not knock on the door until seven—”
“Don’t worry about it.” I smiled; I was glad he was already here. “Come on in.”
I could feel my hand beginning to shake a little as we approached my door. God, what was he going to say?
“Go ahead and have a seat,” I said as we entered the living room.
He did, and so did I, and for a moment we said nothing.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I, uh, don’t know how weird this is going to be to say…”
I laughed awkwardly. “Don’t worry, I’m sure I’ve heard worse.”
He nodded and took a deep breath in. “I was thinking about what you said last night.”
“Oh? About what specifically?”
“That I could meet someone one day that I have an actual connection with. Someone who I’m excited to talk to and see…”
“Yeah…” I said, waiting for the conclusion of this thought.
“I feel like I’ve already found someone like that.”
“Oh, already? Well, that’s great!” I said excitedly.
“You know, it really is great. I’ve never been this excited or this happy before. For the first time in a long time I just feel… Good. I feel like there is a light at the end of my tunnel.”
“I’m really, really happy for you,” I told him.
“The thing is, though, I’m pretty nervous to tell them. For the first time, I’m excited about another person. What if that all goes to shit? I can’t imagine how bad I’ll feel if they have no interest in me. I’d be crushed.”
“Well, that’s kind of a risk we all take in the dating world. You could be crushed, sure, or you could meet the person who’s going to be your partner for the rest of your life. And even if they reject you, it’s not the end of the world. There are other people out there for you.”
“But what if there isn’t?” he asked seriously. “I’ve never felt this much emotion with anyone… What if there is only one person out there for me?”
I couldn’t deny, I was a little disappointed by this point. So this was what he actually came for, to get some more advice. He wanted me to reassure him that reaching out to this woman was a wise move.
“Like, a soul mate?” I questioned.
“Sure, like a soul mate.”
“Well, not sure I believe in that kind of thing, but if soul mates do exist, then I suppose that would mean they couldn’t deny you, right? Being with you would be like… fate, I guess.”
He nodded. “So you think I should just go for it?”
“Absolutely! What is the harm? I mean, getting rejected will suck but it happens to all of us. If you really want to be happy, you gotta get out there, man!”
He took in a deep breath. “You’re right. I’m going to go for it.”
; “Good!” I grinned.
He looked at me seriously. “Aidan, I feel something for you.”
I could feel my whole body tingle.
“What?” I whispered.
“I’m really sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, but like you said, I have to take the chance. I just have to let you know. I think I feel a connection with you.”
“Are… are you sure?” I stuttered. “I mean, you’ve never been into guys, have you?”
“Not before, I guess. I haven’t been into anyone. I haven’t even been close to being into anyone… Until you. I am positive that I am into you.”
“And it wasn’t just the vulnerability and the alcohol and—”
“No.” He cut me off. “I don’t believe it was. But I guess there’s only one way to tell.”
He scooted closer to me, stared at me intensely, and then grabbed my hand. Once our hands were intertwined, he closed his eyes and breathed out a deep sigh.
“And there it is again. There is that feeling. Just touching you gives me shivers. No, I’m not wrong, there is something here. There is chemistry between us. Unless…”
“Unless what?” I asked, my voice trembling a bit.
“Unless you don’t feel it.”
“I do,” I said quickly. “I mean, but that didn’t surprise me. I know that I’m gay. And you’re cute, and we had such a good time together so… Yeah, I definitely feel something for you.”
“Then how come you seem so hesitant?” he asked.
“I guess because, I don’t know, you’re straight. At least, you’re in a heterosexual engagement with a woman. Unless you broke that off already…” I let my sentence trail out hopefully.
He frowned. “No, I haven’t.”
I gave an awkward laugh.” Well, then, you can see where that would give me pause…”
“Yeah, I get it.” He nodded. “But I was ready to break off the engagement, and I’m still ready. But when I got home, Chelsea wasn't there. She had gone to stay with her parents for a bit.”
“I see… You couldn’t call her?”
