by Hayden Hunt
“Yeah, and I did talk to her on the phone for a bit, but I didn’t want to tell her I was leaving her on the phone. After everything we’ve been through together, it didn’t feel right. She plans to be home in a few days and I’m going to talk to her then.”
I couldn’t help but feel concerned. I liked Miles, I really did. And I didn’t want to start getting deeper feelings for him just to have him leave later because he was confused about his feelings and his relationship with Chelsea.
“What’s wrong?” he asked me.
Well, we’ve managed to be very honest with each other so far, so I might as well come out and tell him what I’m thinking. I don’t want to end up getting attached to you just to have it fall apart later. What if you decide tomorrow that you feel differently? What if you want to stay with Chelsea? I mean, you guys have such a rich history. I don’t know if it’s going to be as easy to walk away from as you think.”
He smiled softly. “You’re right, there is a lot of history between Chelsea and I. But it’ll be easy to leave, believe me.”
“And why is that?”
“Because that history that we have is a history full of apathy. I think back to our relationship now and I don’t think ‘oh, but our relationship was once so good.’ No, it never was. It was just me trying to be something that I wasn’t. When I think of our time together, I’m really thinking of all the time that I lost. The time that could have been spent trying to find someone I really am compatible with.”
“So, you’re really regretting your relationship with her, then?” I asked.
He sighed. “Not really, actually. I mean, I know it really was wasted time. There were a lot of years I could have been happier than I was and I didn’t even know it. But at the same time, I feel like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be right now.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know. I guess because I’m sitting right here with you, a man I actually do feel something for. If I hadn't been with Chelsea, I would never have been in your bakery and I’d never have met you. My bad relationship has inadvertently brought me to you.”
This thought sent chills down my spine. The way he spoke of it, you’d think us meeting was fate.
Without thinking, I tilted my head and began to move my mouth toward his, expecting his lips to meet mine. But they didn’t. Instead, he put up his hand to my face.
“Not now,” he said with soft disappointment.
“You can’t… kiss me?” I asked, confused.
“Not because I don’t want to,” he told me. “I do. I want nothing more than to press your mouth against mine. I’m dying to taste you for the first time. If simply touching your hands is electric, I can’t wait to see what kissing you does to me…”
Again, chills down my spine.
“Then, do it,” I urged.
“I just can’t. It would be crossing a line. I know I’m going to leave Chelsea, but she doesn’t know that yet. In her eyes, this would be cheating. And I’m not a cheater. My relationship may be dead, but that doesn’t mean I can just toss her feelings aside.”
I let out a deep breath. “Right, I understand.”
I actually appreciated this about him. It was nice that he was so moral and wasn’t willing to hurt Chelsea, even if he had no feelings for her.
And I believed that it really was a struggle for him. I could see in his eyes he really did want me. But him having the willpower to put his desires aside so as to not compromise his morals, that was a good thing. That was another thing to love about him.
Even if a part of me really wanted him to give in.
“How come you came to tell me now, then?” I asked. “Like, why didn’t you just wait until you could tell Chelsea? Didn’t you think it’d be hard to tell me how you’re feeling without acting on it?”
“Oh, I knew it would be. I came here knowing it would take an enormous amount of effort on my part. But I felt compelled to tell you. I couldn’t sit in my apartment for days, knowing that I’ve finally met someone I care about, and simply wait to see you. Even if I can’t touch you the way I want, I had to see you.”
“And what are you thinking now? Now that you’ve seen me?”
“I’m thinking… It’s been worth it.”
“…What’s been worth it?”
“Everything. I mean everything. The effort it takes not touch you, it’s worth it to see you. Having to painstakingly wait for Chelsea to come home and have the most uncomfortable conversation of my life? It’s worth it. Spending a decade not knowing who I was or who I wanted to love? It’s worth it just to be sitting across from you right now, looking into your eyes and feeling something for the first time.”
I chuckled nervously. “You have gotta stop talking to me like that. If you want me to keep my hands off you, you can’t keep telling me things that send a shiver down my spine. You may have the willpower to stay away, but I don’t think I do.”
He smiled and then scooted close to me, wrapping his arms around my neck.
“Touch me like this,” he said, hugging me tight. “Try and let this be enough for now. I know it’s not, I know you want so much more… But let’s try to take in what we have right now.”
So I did. I put my head on his shoulder and I breathed him in. I loved the way he smelled. His fingers gently running down my back was so comforting. I had butterflies from simply feeling his breath on my neck.
In a way, this was better. It was better than kissing, it was better than diving into sex. Because I’d never had this with anyone else. I’d never sat here and took in another person this way. It was somehow more intimate.
And the best part was that I knew what this was building up to. We might not be able to kiss now, but we would one day soon. The knowledge that soon I’d have so much more of him was enough for me.
“I’ve loved men for a long time,” I whispered to him. “I have been with plenty of men, cared for so many different men. But I never knew it could feel like this. I had no idea it could be this good.”
“Me neither.” He laughed. “But now that it is… Now that I know how good being with another person can feel, you should know that I’m not going anywhere. I could never fall back into my relationship with Chelsea, not now that I know what it’s like to care for someone romantically.”
He pulled away from our hug, just in time too, because I could feel my lips wanting to press against his neck.
“Should you go?” I asked. “I mean, I know you don’t want to mess up and do anything disrespectful to Chelsea.”
“Oh…” he said, clearly disappointed. “I guess maybe I should. If this is becoming too tempting for you.”
“In a way, it kind of is,” I admitted, though I didn’t want to because I thought it made me look pretty weak. “Honestly, just hugging you is so good it feels like it should be cheating.”
He forced a smile. “You’re right. It really is too good. I can see how it’d be too much.” He stood up from the couch. “I guess I’ll go for now, and come back after I’ve spoken to Chelsea.”
“Right.” I nodded. “That’s probably the right thing to do.”
He took my hand, squeezed it softly, and then started walking out the door.
I immediately regretted even suggesting that he leave. Why did I do that? I didn’t want him to go. Even if it was hard to sit here next to him and not act on my feelings, it was obviously way harder to sit here by myself.
“Wait!” I called out to him, just as he was reaching my front door.
He turned around hopefully. “Yes?” he asked.
“Don’t go,” I told him. “I don’t want you to go. I want you to stay… Stay the night with me. I don’t want to be apart from you, no matter how hard it is.”
“You know, nothing is going to happen,” he reiterated. “Nothing can happen. I’d never feel right about myself if it did.”
“I know,” I agreed. “Nothing will happen. I’ll sleep in another room if you want me to. But like you said, the effo
rt will be worth it if I can keep looking at you.”
He smiled and came back to the couch.
We had the most beautiful night that night. It’s funny, of all the men I’d slept with and all the nights I’d spent having sex, I never thought the most romantic night of my life would consist of eating Chinese food and not touching while chatting on my couch.
But it was so great. Continuing to learn about Miles and being able to tell him absolutely anything about myself. Being with him was the ultimate comfort. I’d never even talked to any friends this way before.
It was like we’d known each other for years, instead of less than 48 hours. God, was that really all the time that’d passed? Less than a day and a half?
It didn’t seem possible that life could change so drastically in such a short span of time. Even weirder was the fact that I could feel so much for another person after such a small amount of time with them.
We talked until 3am that night. I pretty much never stayed up past midnight. But even though my eyes were heavy and my brain was getting increasingly foggy, I didn’t want to stop talking to him. I was doing everything I could to stay awake
But Miles finally noticed and commented on my exhaustion.
“Don’t you need to sleep? You have to go into the bakery in the morning, right?”
“Ugh, yeah.” I groaned. “I guess I probably should rest.”
“Yeah, let’s just go to sleep,” he agreed. “We can always talk later.”
He was right, but I didn’t want to talk later. I wanted to keep talking to him now. I felt like I wanted to know as much about him as possible as quickly as I could. My draw to him was magnetic.
“All right, let’s go,” I said as I got up and walked down the hallway. He followed me.
I stopped at the guest bedroom, opening the door for him. “Here’s your stop.” I smiled at him before pulling him in for the second hug of the night.
It was just as electric as the first.
“All right…” he said sleepily. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight.”
I watched him climb into the bed before I started slowly closing the door. Just before it was about to click shut, I heard his voice again.
“Wait, Aidan?” he asked.
“Yeah? Do you need something?”
“Yeah… you,” he said sheepishly.
“What do you mean?”
“Will you sleep in here with me?” he asked.
“Really…” I said, thrilled but trying to hide it. “Are you sure that’s the best idea?” I asked.
“I think… It could be fine.” I could tell he was trying to convince himself as much as me. “There’s nothing wrong with you just laying here, right?”
“I guess not,” I agreed, hoping that my exhaustion would be enough to stave off the temptation.
I shut the door behind me and Miles scooted over to the inside of the bed nearest the wall. I arranged myself on the outside, turning my body to face him.
He was facing me too, and he smiled softly before reaching out to grab my hand.
Very loosely, our fingers intertwined with one another.
“Well, goodnight then,” he whispered.
“Goodnight.”
And that was how we laid all night. Facing each other, with nothing but our hands touching.
7
Miles
I felt a little guilty when I woke up the next day.
I hadn’t done anything with Aidan. I was very careful about that. But sleeping in bed with him like this may have crossed a line. Even if we didn’t so much as cuddle… It still felt so nice.
It was like Aidan said. Technically we weren’t doing anything, but it felt so damn good it may as well be cheating.
Then again, that was true of all of what we’d done. Not just sleeping in bed together. Even talking on the couch, a safe distance away, I was still emotionally cheating.
But I couldn’t avoid that part of it. I couldn’t keep myself from having deeper feelings for Aidan than I did for Chelsea. That was just how it was. At least I had the decency to end it and keep things from getting physical until after I did.
Still, I couldn’t control the guilt.
I wanted to end things as soon as I possibly could. I was lying in bed awake, obsessing over Chelsea and how’d she feel if she knew I was here. I couldn’t do it any longer.
I went to grab my cell phone from the living room, very carefully getting out of bed so as to not wake Aidan.
When I found it, sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch, I realized it was dead. Huh, it must have died last night and I didn’t even notice because I was so enthralled with Aidan and our conversation. Now that I thought about it, it was pretty low battery when I arrived.
Thankfully, Aidan had a charger already plugged into one of the wall sockets in his living room. I plugged my phone into it and turned it on.
The second the screen lit up, my heart sank.
I had twenty missed calls from Chelsea. When I opened my texts, I saw that I had tons of unread messages from her.
“Hey, I came home early to talk. When will you be back?”
She sent that around six. God damnit, she got home at six?!
Of course, every message got increasingly worse.
“Uh, where are you? Why won’t you answer your phone?”
“Hello? Miles?”
“Miles, I’m freaking the fuck out. Where the hell are you?”
“God damnit, it’s midnight Miles! It’s fucking midnight!”
“I can't believe you would do this to me. You tell me you want to talk, you make me think we're going to figure shit out, and then when I get here you’re not even home? Are you going to be gone all night!? And who the fuck could you even be with?!”
I stopped reading after that. My heart was pounding in my chest.
God damnit, I should have just left yesterday. What a fucking mistake. If I’d left, I would have seen Chelsea, been able to break up with her, and then actually spent some time with Aidan guilt free.
But no, instead I stayed here and while I was enjoying myself, Chelsea had been a mess at our house, alone. As if I didn’t feel guilty enough, I felt like a complete asshole now.
I had to leave. I had to go see her right now. Before she went back to her parents again. After this, she probably wouldn’t talk to me for weeks.
I had to let Aidan know that I was leaving, though. I really didn’t want him to worry.
I went back into the bedroom and carefully stirred him awake.
“Mmm.. Good morning.” He groaned.
“Well, not such a great morning for me, actually.”
Hearing the panic in my voice quickly woke him up. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I guess my phone died last night. The entire time I’ve been here, Chelsea came home. She’s been trying to contact me all night.”
“Oh… shit,” he mumbled.
“Yeah, oh shit. I need to go right now. I need to get this sorted with her. I feel terrible.”
“Don’t feel terrible,” he said, gripping my hand. “You had no idea. But I understand, go. Get this taken care of.”
I nodded. “I’ll talk to you later,” I said as I hurriedly went to leave.
“Hey, Miles.” He stopped me real quick.
I turned around. “Yeah?”
“Next time I see you, you’ll be unattached. And we’ll be able to do anything we want… Try to focus on that.”
I couldn't help but smile at him. Even despite my guilt, it really was a nice thought.
“I’ll try. Have a good day.”
The entire car ride over to my apartment, my heart was pounding. What was I going to say to her?
I mean, obviously I'd be telling her that I had to end things. But what was I going to say about where I was? That wasn’t something I was ever planning to tell Chelsea. I didn’t see why it would possibly come up and I knew telling her I’d already found someone else was going to make things
harder on her.
But I didn’t see how I could leave it out now. She knew me, she’d known me for ten years. She would know when I was lying.
This was going to be so fucking hard.
When I pulled up to our parking space, I was relieved to see Chelsea’s car there. I took up a guest space and practically ran upstairs to our front door.
To my horror, I could hear Chelsea crying from the second I opened the door. She was on the couch, looking tired and very hurt.
“Chelsea…” I began slowly.
“Where the hell were you?!” she snapped. “Why weren’t you here?”
“Chelsea, I didn’t know you were coming home last night. If I did, I would have been here.”
“You said you wanted to talk about things!” She was wiping tears from her eyes. “I thought, for once, you were serious about that!”
“I am.”
“You didn’t even answer your phone for me!” she accused.
“I didn’t know you were trying to get a hold of me, I swear! My phone died and I hadn’t even noticed!”
“Then where were you?!”
“Look, I didn’t want to be alone in this apartment last night, okay? Being here by myself was driving me crazy. So I went to Aidan’s house.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Aidan? As in, Aidan, our baker?”
“Right.”
To my surprise, her anger seemed to immediately dissipate and she began to laugh.
“What? What is it?” I asked.
“After hours of not hearing from you, my mind jumped to the worst possible conclusion. I thought you were out cheating on me or something. The whole night, I was envisioning you in bed with some girl. And this whole time, you were at Aidan’s house?” She laughed, as if this was a giant relief.
It made me feel sick to my stomach.
“What?” she asked, noticing I didn’t look as happy as her. “You aren’t lying, right? You weren’t with a girl last night?”
“No. I wasn’t with a girl,” I answered nervously.
“So why aren’t you laughing with me? You weren’t cheating. I was wrong. You just didn’t know your phone died, I’m guessing because you were too drunk to—”
