by Hayden Hunt
“I wasn’t drunk. I was completely sober. I was just distracted.”
“Distracted by what? Video games or—”
“By Aidan,” I answered honestly. I had to, I had to give her the whole truth.
“By Aidan…?” she asked, confused. “What does that mean?”
“It means…” I couldn’t even bring myself to say it.
Her eyes widened and I knew she understood.
“You were cheating on me last night.”
“No!” I was quick to say. “No. I would never do that. I have more respect than to do that to you. I didn’t do anything—”
“But you have feelings for him, don’t you?” she asked. “You’re gay, aren’t you?”
“Yeah…” I sighed. “Yeah, I’m gay.”
She buried her face in her hands.
“Chelsea, I’m so sorry. But I promise, me and Aidan just talked.”
“How long have you known?”
“I didn’t. I didn’t know until just the other night when I hung out with Aidan. I’ve never had feelings for anyone else before.”
I could see that stung her. Because, of course, that included her.
“You really had no idea?”
“No, I swear to God.” I sat down next to her on the couch and took her hand. “I have always cared about you. I have so much love and respect for you. I never would have strung you along if I knew this wasn’t going to work out. I really thought that I was going to marry you and spend the rest of my life with you.”
“But how could you have thought that? I mean, you were so distant with me. I should have known this, really. Anyone could see that you didn’t love me…”
“But I did, you know. Maybe I wasn’t in love with you, but I loved you. You were my best and closest friend and I really didn’t know things could be any different. I thought this was what a relationship was supposed to feel like. I just… I didn’t know.”
For a moment, neither of us said anything. But she wasn’t crying anymore, so I guessed at least that was a step up.
“I’m still really sorry, Chelsea. I wish I could have figured this out sooner. I understand that you’re going to hate me for this.”
“No.” She shook her head. “I don’t hate you, Miles. If anything, I’m frustrated with myself.”
“Why? You shouldn’t be. You did nothing wrong.”
“Because I knew. In the back of my head, I knew. I always had this lingering thought that… That you simply weren’t capable of being with someone like me. That a woman wasn’t what you needed in your life. But I pushed it down and forced myself not to think about it. Even when it became painfully obvious that this relationship wasn’t working anymore.”
I gave a sarcastic laugh. “If only I could have had as much insight into myself as you did.”
“I should have brought it up before. Maybe if I had, you would have realized a little sooner.”
I shook my head. “Nah, you did the right thing. I probably would have been insulted and rebelled against the thought. I don’t think I was ready before to realize it. I don’t think it would have really hit me until, well, now. I’m just sorry it took so long.”
“Don’t be,” she said. “It’s not your fault. As painful as it is… This is life. It would be nice if things were as simple as meeting someone you like in high school, dating them for a long time, marrying them, and playing happily ever after. But it’s not for most people. Relationships are rarely that easy, life is rarely as smooth as that.”
I put my hand on her back. “Are you going to be okay, Chelsea?”
She looked at me. “You know what? I really am. I’m going to be fine. It’ll hurt for a while but… I think this is for the best.”
The thing is, she really did look fine. But that made no sense.
“I don’t understand. When I came in here, you were bawling.”
“Don’t remind me.” She laughed awkwardly. “Not my proudest moment. But, I don’t know, I guess my feelings right now are hard to explain. Before you came, I was lost in all this confusion. I was thinking ‘where is he?’ ‘What will I do now?’ ‘What is going to happen with us?’ And not knowing was causing me an extreme amount of stress. But now that I know… It all seems less daunting. I mean, I totally knew this was coming.”
“You did? For how long?” I asked.
“Oh, a long time. You’ve been so distant for so long. Honestly, I think I knew our relationship was ending before you even proposed. In fact, I remember thinking about mentioning a break up just a few days before you proposed. But then once you did… I don’t know. I convinced myself I was expecting too much of you. I mean, if you were willing to give me a ring, you obviously must have loved me. So I shut it down.”
“I’m so sorry to put you through this,” I said again.
“Are you even listening, Miles? You didn’t put me through anything. I am not victimless in the situation. I had more awareness about our relationship then you even did. Which I knew, because you go through your life with a lot of apathy.”
“That’s definitely true,” I agreed. “But that’s also my fault. I could have taken some time to reflect on my life but instead I kept moving forward, doing the same thing even though I was unhappy. I was afraid to change.”
“Well, I’m guilty of that exact same crime.” She gave a sideways smile.
“You were unhappy too?”
“Of course I was unhappy!” She laughed. “You couldn’t see that? I had to force you to do everything. Even give me a bit of attention. No girl wants to go through that with her significant other. I knew I wanted more and, not to be rude, but I deserved more.”
“No, you do,” I agreed. “You deserve so much more than I could ever give you. And I want so badly for you to find it.”
She nodded. “I will. I guess that’s why I feel so at peace right now. So much was wrong with our relationship, it really needed to end. I just didn’t have the courage to do it. Now that you’ve done it… Well, I think it will be a good thing for both of us. I think this is how I begin to start on my new life too, you know? And a part of me is… excited.”
“Excited, really?”
“Yeah, actually. I don’t know how to explain it. I’m relieved that a bad relationship is finally over, no offense, and excited that maybe I have a shot at happiness now.”
I laughed. “No offense taken. Honestly, I’m relieved you feel that way. All I want is for you to be happy, you know. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
“I will be, eventually. We’re both going to be.”
“I think that’s true.” I smiled. I couldn’t believe how well this was going. “I don’t regret it, you know.”
“Regret what?”
“Regret us, the last ten years. I learned a lot from being with you and you were a great partner. I feel like without you, I wouldn’t be where I am today. And I’ll always be grateful to you for that.”
She squeezed my hand. “Me too.”
“So…” I said, knowing the awkward conversation that had to come next. “What are we going to do now?”
“Well, our lease is month to month so I guess we’ll end that. If you want me to go stay with my parents for the rest of the month so you can stay in the apartment and—”
“No, of course not!” I said instantly. “You stay here. That’s not a problem. I should definitely be the one to go.”
“Well, honestly, I might go to my parents’ house anyway. Maybe not right away, but very soon. I think staying in this apartment is going to be depressing.”
“Yeah, I definitely feel the same way,” I agreed. “It’s kind of haunting. I’d rather move forward than stay here.”
“Speaking of haunting…” She took off her ring and set it on the table in front of us. “Do you want it?”
“No.” I shook my head. “You keep it, do what you want with it. Sell it, I don’t care.”
“Are you sure?” she asked. “I know it cost you a lot of money. You could sell it too
, you know.”
“Don’t even want to deal with it. Seriously, you have it, keep any of the money to offset the cost of deposits you can’t get back.”
‘If you’re sure…” She picked it back up but didn’t put it back on. She held it in her palm.
“What are you going to tell your parents?” I asked her.
We both knew why I was asking. Her parents were ultra religious, and her entire family was outside of her. I didn’t think they’d react very well to knowing their daughters fiancé left her for a man.
“Well, I’ll tell them it didn’t work out, obviously. But I’ll make up another reason, don’t worry. I don’t plan on telling them you’re gay.”
“I really appreciate that,” I told her.
I didn’t care that much about what her family thought of me now, but I knew how fast news could travel in this town. And I didn’t need word getting out that I was gay. There were also some ultra religious people in my work place who wouldn’t be thrilled about working side by side with a gay man.
And I definitely don’t want anyone to know that it was Aidan I was dating, specifically. That kind of gossip would have a great impact on his business. The last thing I wanted was drama from my life to affect his livelihood.
“And obviously I’ll be the one to cancel all of the wedding plans. You wouldn’t even know where to begin with that.”
“No, not in the slightest.”
She paused for a moment. “I hope we can still be friends, Miles. Not right now. Right now, it’s all too raw, but… One day I hope we can be a part of each other’s lives.”
“I really hope so too,” I told her before leaning in and giving her a tight hug. “We’re both going to be okay, Chelsea.”
She nodded. “Yeah, we will.”
We talked over some other logistics before I went and packed my things.
Chelsea decided that while I was packing, she was going to go get a coffee. Though we were both on the same page with this break up, I knew seeing it all end was still hard for her. It was even a little hard for me.
I had spent so much of my time being afraid of change. I couldn’t help but be afraid of it now, too. Even though I knew good things were coming for me. In a way, that was almost what I was afraid of.
What was being happy really going to feel like? What would it be like to go to sleep and wake up every day next to someone I was madly in love with? And on a more negative note, how hard would it be if it all ended one day? If it was weird for me to walk away from Chelsea, how would it feel to lose Aidan?
I had to hope that simply wouldn’t happen. But like Chelsea said, relationships were rarely easy. The ups and downs were a part of being with somebody.
But I had to take the risk. I wanted to be happy. I finally was ready for this, and I was going to take the opportunity to explore my feelings.
When I had finished packing, I figured I’d text Aidan. He must be on the edge of his seat wondering what was going on.
“Hey, I did it. Packing my things, going to be finding a hotel to stay in for a while.”
He texted back almost immediately.
“Don’t get a hotel. Bring your things back to my place. Stay here for as long as you need.”
I grinned. I was really hoping he’d say that.
8
Aidan
When I got done at the bakery that evening, Miles’ car was already parked in the driveway. I had told him where I kept my hidden spare key and he’d been at my place all day.
This was it. He’d done it, he’d ended his engagement. There would be no guilt between us now… Anything could happen. That should have excited me more than it terrified me, but I really was scared. Anything could happen now… And the tension was so high.
When I walked in, Miles was on the couch.
“Hey,” I said as I sat down next to him, “how’d everything go?”
“Actually, things went really well.”
“Really?” I furrowed my brow—that was surprising. “What did she say?”
“She said she thought this was going to be a good thing for the both of us. She saw it coming, apparently she had her suspicions for years. She was really upset when I came in after not knowing where I was. But after I told her, she calmed down a lot.”
“She really didn’t seem upset at all?” I asked.
“Well, a little bit, of course. Even I was a little upset. But mostly she seemed relieved. I think, like me, she’s ready to find someone she does have a real connection with. That was never going to be me, we both knew that.”
“God, Miles, I’m so happy for you!” I hugged him. “I know how much it was grating on you to have to hurt her.”
“Yeah, I’m really happy things turned out the way they did. We can both move forward now… to bigger and better things.”
“Exactly.” I smiled at him as I pulled away from hugging him.
And there we were, staring at each other. We were both likely thinking the same thing… We could now do anything with each other, so who was going to make the first move?
The tension was nerve racking, though. Should I do it? Should I be the one to lean in and kiss him? I mean, I was the one whose already comfortable with his sexuality, right? It should probably be me.
Then another scary thought hit me. All we’d done so far was loosely touch. What if Aidan kissed me for the first time and was totally disgusted? This could be the moment he realized he wasn’t gay at all, but was simply desperate for some human attention. Fuck, what if he ended his engagement for this and it wasn’t nearly as good as he thought it would be?
I couldn't do it. I couldn’t kiss him. Not with the thought that one kiss could end everything in the back of my mind. I knew I’d be doing it eventually, but I didn’t have the bravery to do it this very moment.
“So…” he said nervously. “You really don’t mind me staying here?”
“No!” I said, happy for the change in conversation. “I’m really glad you’ll be here. It’ll be nice, getting to spend more time with you.”
“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.” He slowly reached for my hand, and I let him grab it as he ran his thumb slowly on the outside of my hand.
“I have to admit something,” I told him.
“Yeah? What’s that?” he asked.
“I’m feeling something I’ve never felt before when touching another man…”
“What?”
“Fear,” I said softly.
He laughed. “Don’t worry. I’m scared too. Terrified, really. This is, uh, very intense for me. But I know it’s right. We just have to move forward.”
I nodded, but it didn’t help with my nervousness at all.
“I was thinking about that earlier while I was packing, you know. About how scared I was to begin something with you. I was thinking how scary it would be to have such strong feelings for you just to have our relationship eventually end.”
Yep, that was it. That about covered what I was scared of. I didn’t realize it until right now, but I couldn’t stand the thought of growing to love Miles even more intensely. What if things didn’t work out? What if he eventually left me?
“Yeah, how do you get over a fear like that?” I asked.
“Well, I was thinking about that, too. And I decided it didn’t matter if things ended between us.”
“Pfft. It doesn’t matter now, huh?” I asked, pretending to be insulted.
He laughed. “That’s not what I mean. I mean, it wouldn’t be the end of the world. Just like it wasn’t the end of the world with Chelsea. I admit, I never felt anything for her like I feel about you. But I still learned a lot from her. And even if it ends one day, I’ll have learned even more from you.”
“How can you be sure of that? I may teach you nothing.” I smiled.
“No, not possible. You’ve already taught me so god damn much. I wouldn’t even know I was into men if it weren’t for meeting you. In a way, you probably have already taught me more than Chelsea had.
” He gripped my hand tight and looked me straight into the eye. “Really, Aidan, no matter what happens, I’m so fucking glad I met you.”
That was it, him saying that made my nervousness dissipate. All I wanted to do was kiss his gorgeous fucking face, so I did.
The second my lips touched his, an energy began to flow through us that could not be stopped. All the tension that was between us had finally been unleashed.
As slow as we took things the other night, we began to move real fast now. Once I felt how good it was to kiss him, I couldn’t stop the excitement that flooded my body.
I could feel my cock growing in my pants as his tongue enveloped mine. Even as we kissed, I had to know if his cock had grown too. I had to know whether or not he was as excited as me.
Maybe, in my mind, I felt it might prove something to me. Like this was not a mistake on his part. That he really was as attracted to me as he believed he was.
I had my hands on his neck as we began to kiss each other. Slowly, I slid them down the front of his shirt. When I reached the hem of his pants, I very carefully reached my hand down them. As my fingers intruded on the elastic of his boxers, he didn’t protest.
When I felt his cock with the tip of my fingers, it was standing at attention. There no longer was a doubt in my mind; he was obviously just as turned on as I was.
I wrapped my hands around it gently. I pushed back and forth, gripping his skin just tight enough that he slid effortlessly in my hand. He moaned into my mouth as he did. I knew nobody had ever touched his cock this way. It took another man to know exactly how to grip a dick, and I definitely did.
I was only able to do this for a minute or so before Miles pulled his mouth away from mine.
“Can I put it inside you?” he asked.
“What?” I said, not because I misunderstood, but because I was surprised by how eager he was.
“I need to feel what it’s like to be inside of you. For the first time, I want to be inside of someone I really have feelings for.”
I smiled and stood up off the couch, taking his hand in mine. I led him to my bedroom, which was in the very back of the house. He followed obediently.
