What She Saw

by Barb Han

  Jordan didn’t want to hear about Courtney’s love life, but he had no claim on her and no right to be jealous.

  “Were you close with Joey?” As a girlfriend and not a spouse, Courtney would have no legal right to visit the child.

  “No.” She shrugged. “I’ve never even met him.”

  Jordan couldn’t say he understood. His brow must’ve shot up because she went on to explain.

  “A pension isn’t enough to bring up a child, let alone send him to college if he wants to go, so I give half of my salary to his mother through a blind trust fund that I set up. She doesn’t deserve to have to bring her child up alone with almost no support.” Courtney paused a beat. “Now that I’m pregnant, I have another little one to think about.”

  “If you’re worried about money, don’t. I can help with anything you need,” he said quickly.

  “I have to pay my own way through life, Jordan.” Her tone left no room for argument, so he figured he’d shelve the conversation for now. There’d be plenty of time to figure out finances, and he hadn’t meant to offend her.

  “I keep asking one question. Why me? Why am I still alive?” It wasn’t like Courtney to feel sorry for herself, and he didn’t think she was looking for an answer from him, so he waited for her to finish. “Why did I get to live and not them?”

  Those words spoken aloud seemed to carry the weight of the world.

  “I don’t know, Courtney. But I, for one, am grateful you’re here,” he said.

  She turned to him, climbed on his lap and kissed him.

  * * *

  COURTNEY KNEW THIS was dangerous territory, but she couldn’t care about that right now. Kissing Jordan seemed like the most natural thing to do under the circumstances. She couldn’t deny that she’d missed him over the last six weeks. She had.

  She expected him to pull back and set her straight again. He didn’t.

  Instead he looped his arms around her waist and crushed her against his muscled chest.

  His tongue in her mouth, his hands roaming her back sent electric impulses flaring through her body, warming places where his fingers trailed. His hands were big, and it felt like one could cover half her back.

  She tunneled her fingers in his thick hair and deepened the kiss—a kiss she’d wanted to repeat ever since the other night.

  Courtney couldn’t help it. Her pull to him was the strongest she’d ever felt with anyone. She’d tried to convince herself that it was shared history, but there was so much more to it than that. It’s also what scared the hell out of her. This wasn’t the time to get inside her head. This was the time to feel her way through her next steps.

  And the most logical next step that came to mind was to really feel Jordan, to feel his bare, naked skin against hers. To feel his weight on top of her pushing her into the mattress. To feel his hands roam all over her body.

  No one had ever made her feel sexier or more alive and in the moment than Jordan.

  Courtney’s hands flew to the buttons on his shirt on autopilot. Her fingers trembled with need, so she fumbled a little bit.

  There was a moment of hesitation on his part, and she feared this was the point when he’d stop her. But Jordan covered her hands with his, paused for a beat and then helped her finish.

  A few seconds later, he shrugged out of his shirt while their lips pressed together.

  Courtney wanted this more than anything. Still, a nagging question tugged at the back of her mind.

  Was this a mistake?

  Chapter Fifteen

  Courtney pulled back long enough to look into Jordan’s eyes. She needed reassurance that what was happening between them was okay.

  Jordan pressed his forehead to hers and closed his eyes.

  “I want this to happen, Jordan.”

  “So do I. More than you could know. But we’re making progress, and I need to know this won’t confuse the issue.” He was being smart. She couldn’t deny it.

  “I’ve held someone who died in my arms earlier tonight, Jordan. I’ve lost people that I cared about in a snap. We can think about tomorrow and the next day and the next after that, but no one knows for certain if we’ll be there to make all our plans happen. All we really have is right here, right now. And all I know is that I’ve missed this.” There. She’d said it. “I don’t know what that means or how much that complicates our lives, but I want you right now, Jordan. And I need to know you want this, too.”

  He opened his eyes—golden-brown eyes that had darkened with need.

  For a long moment, he just stared at her like he was looking right through her. And he probably was. She couldn’t care about that right now. She’d opened up to him earlier. She actually liked talking to him, and it felt like part of the weight that had been sucking her under for far too long was lifting. It would take time and understanding before she could even think about healing, but for the first time in her life, she could see a peek of light in a world that had been dark for too long.

  She wanted to run toward it but knew that was asking too much of herself all at once. But she could take baby steps.

  “You’re sure this is what you want?” His voice was low and sexy. That deep timbre washed over her and through her.

  “I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life.” It was true. With all the craziness that she’d experienced over her lifetime, she was right where she wanted to be in this moment. She needed to block out the world, if only for a little while, and remember that she was still alive even if she wasn’t living fully.

  The realization struck a chord with her.

  “And this won’t make things more confusing between us,” he said.

  “I can’t promise that.” A smirk toyed with the corners of her mouth. She should probably just lie and say that it wouldn’t. Courtney couldn’t be dishonest with Jordan. He deserved the truth.

  “What?” There was a hint of defensiveness in his tone.

  “How much worse can it make it?”

  His answer came in the form of covering her mouth with his in the kind of kiss that would make her knees rubbery if she was standing. She’d have to grip the wall behind her or risk falling flat on her back.

  It was Jordan’s turn to unbutton her shirt. His fingers worked their magic as her nipples beaded, straining for his touch. The guttural groan he released when her shirt hit the floor and he traced her lacy bra with his fingertips made warmth pool between her thighs.

  She couldn’t be sure if it was because he was so hot standing there or that she hadn’t had sex with Jordan for six weeks, but her stomach literally quivered at his lightest touch. Whatever they had was so much more than shared history or hot sex. Was it love?

  Courtney couldn’t go there with anyone, but this was the closest she could imagine being to it.

  Jordan’s erection throbbed against her heat. A layer of denim and a pair of cotton shorts amounted to too much material between them. With a flick, Jordan undid the snap of her bra. He was a little too skilled at that little move, but this wasn’t the time to think about that. And then he cupped her full breasts in his palms as his lips crushed down on hers and her bra tumbled to the floor.

  Everything disappeared except the two of them in this moment. Everything except the need pulsing through her and the tide of desire stirring, rising from deep within. Everything felt right in the world for just a moment.

  Courtney dug her knees into the couch cushion and pushed herself up as she threaded her fingers through his thick mane and kissed him back, hard.

  “We need to finish this in the other room so we’re not interrupted.” Jordan picked her up like she weighed nothing and she was reminded he’d taken her to the main house and not his place.

  For a split second, she panicked about the thought of someone walking in on them or finding her there in the main house in their current condition. The no
tion was fleeting. What did she care? Her pregnancy was about to be revealed, and everyone would know who the father was soon enough. Would it really shock anyone that the two of them had slept together?

  Inside Jordan’s bedroom, he set her down on the edge of the bed. His jeans and boxers hit the floor a few seconds later, and she made quick work of letting her shorts and panties join them. It was a little too late for a condom—not like she trusted those things anymore—so neither bothered discussing using one this time. Lot of good those conversations had done during their week of hot sex.

  The miniblinds let just enough moonlight into the room for her to see Jordan clearly. His body was muscled perfection. His thick, straining erection was silky skin over steel. “You’ll laugh at me for saying this, Jordan. But you’re beautiful.”

  True enough, a laugh rumbled out of his chest.

  “I’m not,” he countered. “But you are.”

  “You don’t have to—”

  “Yes. I do. You’re incredible, Courtney. I’m not just talking about your looks. You have those in spades. Your sense of humor. The way you laugh. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you,” he admitted.

  She took his hands in hers and tugged him toward her. She settled on the bed, and he positioned himself in the V of her thighs. Looking into his eyes, she guided his tip inside her. He put most of his weight on his arms as he eased himself deeper.

  Courtney bucked her hips as he lowered himself on top of her. His lips met hers, and she surrendered completely to everything that was happening between them. They connected physically and emotionally—in every way that counted. Who got that?

  The intensity of the emotions that had happened between them had caught her off guard, and she’d balked. None of that was important now. All that mattered was this moment.

  Her body was alive with impulse as she and Jordan drove faster, harder, rocketing toward the release only he could give her.

  Faster. Harder. She dug her fingers into his shoulders.

  He rolled her nipples in between his thumb and forefinger, causing her to shoot over the edge. Her body was a battlefield of intense electricity. All she could do was surrender to the tide and try to hang on as she catapulted toward the edge.

  Just as she felt herself hit the point of no return, all his muscles tensed, and he said her name in her ear and something that sounded a lot like I love you.

  Those three words normally gave Courtney hives, but she actually liked the sound of them coming from Jordan.

  She bucked harder and reached deeper inside as she rocketed over the edge. Sensual electricity exploded inside her body as they moved in perfect rhythm.

  When her body was drained of everything left inside and she tried to catch her breath, he looked at her.

  “This changes things for me. I hope it does for you.” He locked gazes with her. “We don’t have to discuss it now, but we will when the time’s right.”

  “I missed you, Jordan. That’s all I know right now. All I care to know.”

  “That’s enough for today.” He said it so low she almost didn’t hear.

  Jordan rolled onto his side before pulling her in close to his body. His warm skin against hers was the best feeling. She settled into the crook of his arm and fell into a deep sleep.

  * * *

  JORDAN WOKE THE next morning with the sun peeking through the blinds. He glanced at the clock, which read 6:23. Days on the ranch normally started at 4:00 a.m. He’d slept in, which was uncharacteristic for him.

  Waking up to Courtney lying next to him again filled his heart in ways he couldn’t afford. She’d needed comfort last night. He’d been there for her. Having sex, knowing she was going to be the mother of his child, changed their relationship.

  He didn’t have his mind around what that meant or what he had to offer her. His life was in Idaho, running the family business there. When he’d left Jacobstown as a young man, he’d assumed it would be for good, save for holidays and special occasions.

  Every time he’d visited, he felt like an outsider. And now? It was different. Granted, he was going to have a baby now. But that was the reason this place felt more like home than he’d ever remembered. What had changed inside him?

  An annoying little voice in his head seemed determined to point out that Courtney had come home. But she had her own demons at work, and aside from a rare moment here and there, she was lost inside herself.

  Plus, there was the simple fact that he couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who would never trust him. Jordan had been spoiled. He’d seen the kind of relationship his parents had had. The bar was set high. He could admit that. But he wouldn’t settle for anything less because he’d seen the best. He’d lived the kind of love that was unconditional and grew over time to be something even more beautiful.

  Something unattainable?

  Being with someone who loved him with their whole heart and vice versa was the only true comfort in life. Anything less would be settling, and he’d seen how that had worked out for a few of his friends.

  Jordan could admit to missing Courtney after the week at the cabin. He’d tried to discuss a serious matter with her, and she’d balked. Then she’d walked out the door and hadn’t looked back. If she hit the road when things got tough once, she’d do it again. Past behavior was always the best predictor of the future. People rarely changed.

  A small piece of his heart wanted to protest the logical side to him. His heart wanted to believe that she could handle a real relationship. But she’d already burned him once, and he’d never been the type to ask for a second round of punishment.

  Jordan slipped out of the covers and found a fresh pair of boxers and jeans. He put on his clothes and headed toward the kitchen to make something to eat and get his caffeine fix.

  He scrambled up a couple of eggs and toasted a couple slices of bread. As he ate at the granite counter, he checked his phone. The battery had died. He plugged it into the charger, and it took a few seconds to get enough juice to turn on.

  By the time he’d finished his meal and drained a cup of black coffee, his cell started vibrating with messages.

  Lone Star Lonnie had gone in to volunteer at Zach’s office, so Jordan could take the morning to catch up on ranch affairs. Thankfully, there were no calves due for another week or two. But he needed to check on the pregnant heifers.

  There were also documents he needed to sign, so he moved into the office. A stack of papers stared at him from on top of the desk. This had been his father’s office. To this day, being in here was strange ever since his father had passed away.

  It had been years now, and yet Jordan couldn’t seem. Hell, his siblings had all found their soul mates and settled down. He’d always been the odd man out, and it seemed he would remain that way. He thought about Courtney’s pregnancy, about the little nugget growing inside her. He expected to feel a sense of dread for this being unplanned. Instead, he felt a twinge of something that felt an awful lot like excitement at the thought of having his own child.

  Granted, an unplanned pregnancy wasn’t the way he thought he’d usher in fatherhood. In his mind, he would’ve followed a more traditional route of marriage and honeymoon before baby. In theory, anyway. In practice, he hadn’t really thought he would find the right person or have children. Jordan loved his work. He loved being out on the land. And he loved his freedom.

  Having amazing sex with the right woman was about as far as he’d ever gone with a woman. Emotional attachments got messy. He searched his thoughts for the last time he’d let himself fall for someone. His mind snapped to his high school girlfriend Sophie. He’d been head over heels for her before she got sick. The terminal brain cancer diagnosis had caught everyone off guard, including him. For years, he thought he’d cursed her in some way. Teenagers always found a way to blame themselves for every tragedy.

  Damn. Had Sophie tru
ly been the last person he’d opened up to? The only one he’d let himself love?

  That annoying voice said he loved Courtney. But there was no way. She pushed him away more than she opened up to him. She most definitely didn’t need that kind of upheaval in her life right now. What would loving her matter?

  Jordan wouldn’t risk his heart for someone who couldn’t love him. Good communication and a few rounds of the best sex he’d ever had might be the most he could expect from Courtney. Would it be enough? Would she be able to stick it through with their child when times got tough? And no matter what amount of privilege a person grew up with, no one was spared losing a loved one at some point.

  His phone buzzed in the kitchen, so Jordan forced himself out of his thoughts and went to answer it. Zach’s name popped up. He answered the call before it rolled into voice mail. “What’s up, Zach?”

  “I thought you should hear this first and from me,” Zach started.

  That didn’t sound good. “Okay.”

  “There’s a theory circulating around town that Courtney interrupted the killer and that’s why he hacked Rhonda in the back of the head in order to kill her.” Zach got quiet for a long moment. He seemed to understand what that would do to her if she heard the news firsthand.

  “She said as much last night. Hearing it from others won’t be good for her,” Jordan said.

  “No, it won’t.” Zach issued a sharp breath.

  “Is there any merit to it?” Jordan needed to know what he was dealing with before he spoke to Courtney.

  “It’s not an unreasonable theory.” So, it might be true was what Zach was saying.

  “You mentioned PTSD last night. She also has survivor’s guilt,” Jordan said. “She’s planning to talk to a counselor about that and a few other things.”