Reunited with the Cowboy

by Claire McEwen

  “Hi, Caleb,” Emily said.

  He flushed, like he realized he’d been rude. “Hi, Emily. Hi, Trisha.”

  “Nice to see you, Caleb.” Trisha bit her lip, clearly trying not to laugh.

  They were teasing him, teasing her, and it all felt like they were back in high school again. Back when being asked to dance was the biggest thing that happened to any of them.

  Actually, considering how little Maya had dated since then, this was still a big deal.

  “Have fun!” Emily waved them off.

  Maya put her hand in Caleb’s, and there was that warmth, that comfort, that sensation of everything falling into place, that came whenever his skin met hers. She resisted the urge to skip as they walked toward the band. Happiness fizzed like champagne beneath her skin. And a sense of recklessness too. She couldn’t have Caleb long-term. But what was wrong with enjoying a dance with the most attractive man she’d ever met?

  As long as she didn’t let herself think their dance meant something more than just a two-step in the dust, she’d be fine. She was already getting emails about her new project in Colorado. A few grad students from the University wanted to assist with her research. Their professor, someone Maya was acquainted with, was even interested in joining them in the field. All this collaboration would be new to Maya. She’d always tried, as much as possible, to work alone.

  But maybe one thing this summer in Shelter Creek had taught her was that she had better people skills than she’d realized. So she’d told the professor a tentative yes. They were going to meet up and talk details as soon as she got home.

  But thinking about leaving was starting to hurt. She tried to lighten her mood with a lame joke. “Why do I feel like we’re leaving for a date?”

  Caleb laughed. “And Emily and Trisha are the parents telling you to get home by ten?”

  “Something like that. But I doubt they’ll ground me if I stay out after curfew.”

  “That’s good to know.” His deep voice added a touch of innuendo that rippled over her skin, leaving heat behind. She was already in trouble with Caleb. She’d tried to keep her distance but the truth was, she’d fallen hard. Again. Handed her whole heart to the man who’d shattered it years ago. She was a smart person. So why was she so stupid when it came to Caleb Dunne?

  On the makeshift dance floor, he pulled her in close for the slow song the band was playing. Maya really did feel like it was a first date—butterflies, goose bumps and all.

  For a moment she closed her eyes, breathing in Caleb’s salty, soapy scent, the warmth that seemed to roll off him in waves, making her want him close like this, every day of her life.

  His arms were thick and strong around her back. What would it be like to finally give in to the impulse to run her hands over them? To trace his tattoos, to feel his muscles, the corded tendons she tried not to notice when they worked together.

  This was ridiculous. She, Maya Burton, serious scientist, loner field biologist, was at a party in the hometown she’d avoided, dancing with the man whom she’d planned to never see again. Worse than that, spending time with Caleb on his ranch had become her favorite part of being home in Shelter Creek.

  She’d fought hard against it, these past couple weeks. When they weren’t together, she’d kept herself busy, visiting other ranches, doing classroom presentations with Mrs. Axel, building a website for Caleb’s ranch, spending time with Grandma, Trisha and The Book Biddies and playing with Einstein. And she’d enjoyed that time a lot.

  But Caleb was never far from her mind. She spent way too much time wondering what he was doing, and whether he missed her the same way she missed him.

  Leaving him was going to hurt. Not the same kind of hurt she’d felt when they were young. That had been grief and betrayal and rejection and a shattered heart.

  This time it would be different. It would be the ache of bad timing and potential unfulfilled. The ache of leaving the man she was falling in love with all over again.

  Maybe she was a coward, but she was terrified of that hurt. She knew so well what heartbreak felt like. She’d lived with it for so long and she didn’t want more of it, didn’t want more loss.

  “You’re looking at me that way again.”

  Maya started. “What way?” She’d been so lost in her own frantic thoughts that she’d forgotten to talk with him, to laugh, to do all the things you were supposed to do when a man asked you to dance.

  “Like you have some kind of secret that you’re trying to keep. But somewhere inside, you really want to tell me what it is.”

  Why’d he have to be so darn observant?

  “No secrets,” she said lightly. “I’m just happy about today, and about your ranch. It’s going to all work out, Caleb. You’re going to make the Bar D a huge success.”

  “And you?” he asked. “What are you going to do?” His question was somber. Serious. He was requesting a real answer, not one of her silly quips.

  “I’m going to finish up here in about a week and move on to my next project. Back to Colorado. In the fall. Brrrr.” Oh why was she so lame, adding in weather sound effects? Especially when she could see the strain on his face that told her he hadn’t liked her answer.

  “What if you stayed?” He stopped dancing all of a sudden. “What if you stayed here with me?”

  She stared, trying to take in what he was asking. The song ended and he stepped back, his mouth a tense line. “Can we talk somewhere else?”

  Heart pounding in her ears, Maya followed him away from the crowds, until he stopped by the empty corral.

  “What if you stayed?” he repeated. “What if we were together?”

  “We can’t be,” she stammered.

  “Why not?” He took her hands, so they stood facing each other. “We have so much between us. I liked that kiss on Aidan’s ranch. I’ve wanted to kiss you ever since. I wanted to kiss you when we were dancing. I want to kiss you so badly, all the time.”

  She could swear she could feel each word like a spark on her skin. Of course she wanted to kiss him. It was almost all she thought about anymore. But kissing him again was a terrible idea. Because that kiss on Aidan’s ranch hadn’t been just a kiss. It had been the start of a bond that she knew she would never be able to break. “Kissing is just chemicals,” she whispered breathlessly. “Pheromones. It’s basic science.”

  He pulled on her hands, just enough to bring her a step closer. “But you like science.”

  “I do.” The two breathy words were all she could manage because he was stealing her oxygen as he pulled her another small step closer.

  “I like science too. And I have a hypothesis. That you’re scared to kiss me. Because you know that once we start kissing, neither of us will want to stop. Ever.”

  Maya closed her eyes to avoid the intent in his. He must have leaned closer because she could feel his breath mixing with hers and his forehead gently touching her own.

  “Some science just leads to destruction,” she whispered. “Like the atomic bomb.”

  “But most of it makes life better. Inventions. Innovations. Healing.”

  She opened her eyes. His mouth was so close, only inches from hers. “And what kind are you offering?”

  “The very best kind.”

  Of course it was, and she had to kiss him. It was science. Planets orbited the sun, predators hunted prey and she needed to kiss Caleb Dunne. It was just one more fact of life that wasn’t good or bad—it just was.

  Her heart was skipping, speeding, her blood rushing in her ears like water in a snowmelt river. She shouldn’t do this. It would just make things harder.

  But she was suddenly so tired of fear. She’d been paralyzed by it for so long. Protecting her heart also meant muffling it, smothering the joy out of it and missing out on what it felt like when Caleb took her gently by the shoulders, when he bent down because he was
so tall and she was so ridiculously short, when he pushed her hair back from her face with careful fingertips. His lips brushed hers, just enough, as if he was trying to be sure that this was truly okay, as if he was still asking permission.

  With a quick apology to her heart, to her soul, to everything that would break because of what she was about to do, Maya whispered yes to the question he hadn’t asked out loud. Because wanting him, needing him, had been a part of her since they were young. It had never gone away, it just lived on quietly under the guilt and regret she carried. It had gone dormant, until she’d come back to face him again.

  She slid her hands up around his neck, which meant going on tiptoe, which meant acknowledging the breadth of him, the massive muscles that marked him as the complex man she’d come to know.

  He’d been through so much she couldn’t fathom. He’d been to war, killed, made mistakes he had to somehow carry, just as she carried her own. And the fact that he knew what that weight was like, what that burden meant, brought her heart even closer to his. When she pressed her lips to his, it was as if they blended into one being—strong, burdened, determined, worn down, but somehow still moving forward and still hanging on to hope.

  He kissed her back, kissed her until her breath came in gasps, until she was clinging to him for support and balance, because his kisses could make her world spin, and make her forget who they were and who they’d been.

  Tears stung in her eyes, because though she’d wished and wondered, she hadn’t known it would be like this. That he would tilt her entire world, so when she pulled away, the twilight, the corral, everything looked different. Changed. Or maybe she was.

  Caleb wrapped her in his arms and let out a breath that tickled her hair with what seemed like relief. Or maybe that was her, so grateful, so relieved that she wasn’t alone with all of these feelings anymore. He was right here with her, feeling it all too.

  She leaned into his chest, listening to the steady thud of his heart, giving her weight to his solid, strong frame.

  “Maya.” He straightened, brought his fingers to gently rest at her jaw. He kissed her hair, her forehead and the tip of her nose, and his dark gaze—eyes so brown they could be black—found and held hers. “I love you. You know that, right? I love you.”

  The miracle of words she’d never hoped to hear again had her wrapping her arms around his waist. As if by holding on tightly, she could hold on to those words, this feeling, this fantasy.

  “Do you think it’s possible?” He kissed her hair and put his cheek to it, and she could feel his heart speeding up, his arms wrapping around her back, holding her tighter. “Do you think we could be possible?”

  Tears welled up, because there it was. They weren’t possible.

  She could be brave on the dance floor and by this corral, for a few moments. But Caleb was a risk. A huge risk. Until a few weeks ago he’d been drunk, angry and lost. And he could be that way again, so easily. An accident, an addiction, and he could turn around and tell her to get out of his life.

  He’d done it before and she’d left this town broken and devastated. And she’d worked for years to build a life for herself that made her strong, so strong that she did what most people couldn’t fathom. Hiked the highest peaks, worked in the most remote wilderness, studied the most dangerous animals. That was where she belonged. Not here, wondering if she was incentive enough for Caleb to overcome his demons.

  She’d be forever grateful that she came home and helped him get on his feet again. That she had a chance to make some amends. And she’d never, ever forget that kiss.

  Maya stepped back out of his arms, on legs that almost refused to obey, like her body wasn’t willing to do what her mind knew she must. “It’s not possible. I love you, Caleb. I don’t know if I ever stopped loving you. But we are not possible.”

  His eyes narrowed, his gaze honed in on hers as if willing her to take those words back. “I get it. You’re scared because I was a jerk. I’m the messed-up guy who was passed out on the porch that day. But you’ve shown me a different way to be. You’ve turned things around for me, and as part of that, I’ve changed. Can’t you see that I’ve changed?”

  His words only fueled her resolve. They were the evidence that supported all her fears. “That’s the problem, Caleb. I turned things around for you. But that’s not enough. I have to know that you can turn things around for yourself. That when things get hard, you aren’t going to drink until you pass out, or tell me to get out of your life.”

  And there it was. The truth. It sounded hard and cold, and the words hung between them, sharp and stark in their honesty.

  The hurt on his face was hard to witness.

  “I should go.” Maya walked backward a few steps. “Caleb, I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you. But this is better, for both of us.”

  She’d only made it a few yards away, and already she wanted to run right back to him. To kiss the hurt off his face, to tell him she hadn’t meant it. But as much as she loved him, had always love him, he was a risk she couldn’t afford to take twice.

  “Don’t worry,” she managed through the lump in her throat. “I’ll still administer the grant. I’ll finish the website for your ranch and I’ll get someone from the Department of Wildlife to come by this area periodically, to check in about the pumas. But I think I’m going to go back to Colorado a little early. It makes the most sense, for both of us.”

  He finally spoke, his voice heavy with emotion. “Don’t do this. Don’t leave when we’re just getting started.”

  “We shouldn’t start. We lived without each other for years and we both did okay. We both made progress in our lives. We both accomplished things.” She backed away from him as she spoke, needing space between them or she’d never be strong enough to do this. She was desperate to run into his arms, into that warmth, to try to reclaim that perfect kiss, that perfect moment that had made her feel so blissfully whole.

  “Is that enough for you?” Caleb asked in a hollowed-out voice. “To do okay? To make progress? To accomplish things? Because to me that sounds like survival. And I’m tired of surviving. It’s all I did, for years. You make me feel alive, Maya. I want to keep feeling that way.”

  Tears were coming now, rushing down her face in a silent river, coming too fast for sobbing, too fast to control. “Maybe that was what was meant to be. Me and you, coming together to finally heal this hurt between us. So we can go forward in our own lives.”

  “No.” He shook his head and took a step toward her, one hand out in a plea. “That’s not all it was.”

  She had to go now, or she wouldn’t go at all. “I’ll be in touch, Caleb. I promise I’ll help you finish what we started on the ranch. But I’d better go.”

  His nod was barely there, but she took it as an agreement. He stood, hands balled into fists at his side, jaw rigid, eyes full of hurt. But she couldn’t fix that for him. Couldn’t fix anything more for him. It was time to get out, to save herself and her heart before she got in too deep.

  She skirted the edge of the party to avoid seeing anyone, and surprised Einstein out of a nap when she climbed into her truck. Gunning the engine, she got them off the ranch before she could change her mind. Out on the main road, she slowed down and waited for relief to come. Relief that she’d kept her heart safe this time. That she was heading home to Colorado, where she belonged.

  But relief didn’t come. Not when she pulled into Grandma’s driveway. Not as she let herself into the house and inhaled the sweet lavender smell. Not when she packed her bags, so she’d be ready to leave in the morning.

  As she lay on her childhood bed, holding Einstein close, she understood. There was no relief to be found by walking away from the person who mattered most. But there was a strange peace, knowing that no one could ever hurt her as much as she’d just hurt herself.

  Grandma Lillian’s house had felt like such a comfortable refu
ge for these past six weeks. But tonight it was silent and strange, and there was no comfort to be had. And Maya wondered if her cottage in Boulder, or the mountains, or any place would ever feel like home again, now that she knew what it was like to be in Caleb’s arms.

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  CALEB DOWNED HIS whiskey in one gulp, trying not to remember Maya’s words. I have to know that you can turn things around for yourself. That when things get hard, you aren’t going to drink until you pass out, or tell me to get out of your life.

  Well, he hadn’t told her to get out of his life. She’d done that all by herself. And he wasn’t drinking until he passed out tonight, or at least, not yet.

  The power of low expectations. She’d expected him to drink again, and here he was. Though it wasn’t really fair to blame her. He’d gotten to Dex’s all by himself.

  Of course he’d had to wait for the barn raising party to finish. He’d stood around, trying to talk with all of the folks who’d helped him today, to thank them again for their incredible gift of time and effort. And he thought maybe he’d pulled it off. That none of them had realized they were talking to an empty man. A man with no heart. Because the woman he loved had taken it with her and was currently tossing it in a suitcase to take to Colorado.

  Maybe she’d put it on a shelf there, like a trophy.

  Okay, his thinking was getting a little crazy, but a few glasses of JD would do that to a guy, especially a guy who hadn’t drunk anything for about a month.

  Dex was behind the bar tonight, watching Caleb with a worried crease between his thick brows. “Haven’t seen you in here in a long time,” the bar owner said. “I have to say I was kind of happy about that.”

  Caleb grunted a response.

  “But now that you’re here, you look like hell. Is there anything I can do?”

  “Nah.”

  Dex went to fill a couple of pints at the other end of the bar and then came back. “Is this about your ranch? Seems like you should be celebrating. The whole town was out there, working on it today, I heard. I would have been there too, but Royce is off on some fishing trip, so I’m on my own here.”