Reaching Answers

by Erin R Flynn

  “Idiot,” I whispered. “He’s so focused on this damn mates thing that it’s hurting us.” I sighed. “He spun out realizing Craftsman is now too, right?”

  “Yes, and he’s not the only one,” Hudson muttered. “You share magic with Craftsman. River is worried you’ll forgive him and love him again and not us.”

  I bit back a smile. “River is, huh?”

  “Yes, a lot.”

  “Tell River that it’s not Craftsman or you guys. I’ve been feeling better and better about the solid footing we’re on. That means a lot to me.”

  “Me too.”

  “Glad we’re all caught up, but this is my time to apologize,” Lucca interrupted, taking the phone from me. “I’ll fill you in how I do it later.”

  “Hey, I was talking there,” I bitched.

  Moments later, I was fine with the overbearing decision. I was on my back with his head between my legs, and then he screwed me just as hard as when he figured out we were mates.

  And he didn’t finish. All he cared about was bringing me pleasure and tending to me in between rounds, talking to and touching me in my post-sex bliss. It was ridiculously amazing.

  Could I tell him I was pissed at him even when we were fine just to be treated like this?

  7

  I woke when soft lips kissed along my shoulder and hands I knew well moved up my body… Except they weren’t Lucca’s.

  Sitting up with a gasp, I pulled the bedding with me and blinked into amused emerald green eyes. Craftsman. He was in my bed and Lucca was gone.

  What the fuck?

  The rest of my room was blurry though and I started to calm down. “This is a dream.”

  “Very good, love,” he chuckled, reaching for me. “Did you have fun with your bear apologizing? It was killing me not to be able to even hear it through your barrier, and when you came downstairs walking tenderly… I remembered doing that to you.”

  “Don’t,” I rasped, not able to talk about that with him, even in a dream.

  “Making love with you that first time changed something in me, my sweet fairy.”

  “Stop,” I begged.

  “Okay,” he murmured when I tried to get off the bed. He pulled me back and hugged me to him. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, my mate.”

  “I don’t know if I can be mates with you, Julian,” I confessed, saying what I’d been feeling. “I can’t let you back in.” I shook my head when he tried to argue. “Why are you even in my dream?”

  “Because maybe you’re ready to hear me without all the pain,” he whispered as he rolled us so I was under him. He clasped his hand with mine above our heads, hugging me with his other arm. “I love you so much, Tamsin.”

  “Why didn’t you love me enough to stay?” I choked out, burying my face against his neck. “I gave you everything, Julian, all of me. Why wasn’t I enough?”

  “You were,” he rasped. “You are my everything. I lost myself and my way. It wasn’t you. I’m so, so sorry. It wasn’t you and I was always coming back to you.”

  I shook my head, crying as he tried to tell me again what he had before, but I couldn’t hear it still. I did finally see how my pain and hurt blocked the logic and any of it making sense to me. I could at least recognize that now.

  I simply didn’t know how that might ever help us.

  “I miss you all the time,” I sobbed when he was done. “It hurts all the time still. Why? Why can it hurt so much still? We’ve been apart so much longer than we were even together and still I feel like I’m dying inside too often. What did you do to me? Why did you break me?”

  “You’re not broken, love,” he promised, his tears falling on my face. “You’re perfect. I broke your trust and heart, and I’ll fix both if it takes me forever.”

  “I can’t feel like this forever,” I argued. “This isn’t normal. I should have moved on by now.”

  “We aren’t normal. Our love was more than average, and forever. We’re meant to be.”

  “I don’t believe in fate or people telling me who—”

  “I don’t either,” he cut in, smiling when I couldn’t hide my shock. “I don’t. I won’t be pushed either or—”

  I sighed. “Of course you agree with me now.” He was in my dream. Duh.

  “I would, no matter when. You know me well enough for that.” He kissed my nose when I tried to argue. “After the way my family has tried to push me into everything they wanted for me, I would never just listen to fate. Witches and warlocks aren’t like shifters. Melding magic is a possibility, not a promise set in stone. I knew we were a perfect match long before I could piggyback your magic.”

  “I thought that once too,” I admitted before the dam broke and all I could do was cry out my grief and pain. I missed him so, so much still and longed for him in a way I didn’t think possible, much less so many months later.

  All he did was hold me and promise we would be together again and he would love me like I deserved.

  Like an idiot, I wanted to believe him, this dream version of him. For a moment, I actually wondered if it was a dream, thinking he was too much exactly like Craftsman to have come from my subconscious. Plus, even if I couldn’t see my full room, the dream was way too vivid and detailed.

  So I kissed him. I kissed him while still crying, wanting to and not caring since it was a dream. If this was some sort of magic, he wouldn’t let it go the next day.

  “I love you so fucking much, my sweet fairy,” he choked out before kissing me again.

  That was how we spent the rest of the dream, crying together and trading emotional kisses.

  I had messed up dreams. I knew that. Most were simply nightmares, not nervous breakdowns.

  I woke the next morning feeling like I’d been put through the wringer… And in Lucca’s arms. I quickly wrote a healing rune and rolled out of bed. The need to hydrate and eat all the food in the house weighed on me.

  Instead, I went down to the gym and pushed through my workout before heading out to the ATVs. I’d worked on a surprise that I’d been excited to share with Mel, Izzy, and Darby, my heart hurting that two wouldn’t enjoy it now.

  The greenhouses I’d had put on the back of the property were thriving. I loaded up the bushels of fresh fae fruit I’d picked and headed back for the house, pulling right into the first garage.

  To find Darby standing there.

  “How?” he whispered, glancing between me and my haul.

  I shrugged as I turned off the ATV. “I had some greenhouses put in months ago and got them set up so we’d have fresh fun over break.”

  He gave me his soft, loving smile. “Of course you did, ag—Tamsin.”

  I swallowed a flinch. “Can we not do this? I didn’t sleep well and I—”

  “I didn’t disagree with what you did to Lucca,” he blurted.

  “I know. Hudson told me, and that you got sauced.”

  “I was jealous you were bonding with your mate. I keep feeling left out. I—I don’t know what to do and I’m losing you.”

  “You’re doing that,” I whispered as I leaned heavily on the bed of the ATV. “You’ve been pushing me away and—”

  “I thought a lot about what you said. You’re right. You’re absolutely right, and not just because I’m worried about losing you. If the world was perfect, I would have a problem with what you did. But it’s not and I get it. Either way, I should have been on your side. I was terrified about any council member knowing about you. I’m freaked out about Neldor and him being here doing something to you. All of it—”

  “Makes you give me so much shit?” I demanded, giving him the look he deserved.

  “We all handle things badly at times,” he sighed, running his hand over his hair. “I blew this up when I thought you were…” He shook his head. “I thought I’d missed all the signs again. I thought I had…”

  It hit me hard. “I triggered you. Just like when you had a bad reaction to my almost doing porn and it triggered me and I lost my head. Thi
s triggered your issues with missing so much about your family and you blew it all up and I didn’t see it.”

  “I didn’t see it either,” he chuckled darkly. “But yes, I think that’s what happened. I don’t know. We don’t have a lot of calm to really—”

  “What do you mean you did pornography?” Neldor bellowed from the doorway. “The woman to stand at my side, the next queen of the fairies, cannot have been involved in pornography, you stupid woman!”

  Darby gestured to Neldor to say the fairy was making his point. “We have a lot of this.”

  “Yeah, yeah we do,” I sighed as I threw up a barrier and blocked Neldor out. I swallowed loudly as I focused on the bushel of fae fruit. “I need less rocky with you, Darby. I know a lot of it hasn’t been your fault or… I can’t keep with this slamming into brick walls and making up only to slowly start again. If that’s what we’re even doing this time. You haven’t said that’s what you want or—”

  “Yes, I want to be with you and fix things,” he cut in. “And I don’t want to go slow. This wasn’t a brick wall, but some speed bumps we’ve gotten over.”

  That sounded seriously dismissive and I tried not to be hurt by that. “Okay.”

  “Clearly not, with the pain I’m sensing from you,” he whispered. “It was a bad analogy then. We fell into a sand trap we couldn’t get out of, quicksand we’ve been sinking into further. We’re going to climb out and yeah, walk a bit gingerly, but nothing like before. This isn’t us, but everything hitting us. I know it. Trust me this time to navigate this.”

  I nodded. I wasn’t sure what else to do or say. It didn’t sound like much of an apology, but he’d been there for me and helped me when I’d been triggered and with all my issues, so I could do the same.

  But really, that sounded like a seriously unhealthy relationship.

  Or I was too tired and beat up to judge much of anything. Both?

  Yeah, probably both.

  I handed him one of the bushels as if that gave permission for him to stay, and headed for the door as I let the barrier come down. I gasped as I blinked and Darby was suddenly just there in front of me, Neldor grabbing his arm.

  Meaning that had been what he’d been reaching to do to me. I glanced between his hand and where I was, letting him know that I saw his intent. “You ever put your hands on me in anger like that and you’re out of here.”

  Neldor let go of Darby with a shove. “That was all you did to me yesterday. Don’t preach about equality and then use your sex as a shield. Have more pride than that.” He spun on his heel and stormed inside.

  The blow he landed might not have been physical, but it hurt enough to feel like it. I hurried after him to say… Something, but slid to a stop when I saw Craftsman slug Neldor.

  “She does not do that,” the warlock sneered. “She doesn’t fire unprovoked shots. You were trying to intimidate her. She reacts to what you do. You went for her in anger when she was carrying something and her hands full. She made it clear what she was going to do and gave you every option to apologize and bail out of the talk. There is a vast difference unless you’re stupid.”

  “But you’re not,” Lucca snarled from behind Neldor. “You’re abusing her emotionally again.” He threw a punch when Neldor turned to face him. “And we’re done letting you do that and interfering in our lives.”

  “I was not,” Neldor snapped, holding his face and actually taking a step away from both of them.

  “He’s not lying,” Lucca admitted, not hiding his confusion. “What were you trying to say then?”

  “I’ve seen Melody grab her just the same and demand answers,” Neldor grumbled. “Others have and—”

  “She trusts them. She’s friends with them,” Craftsman explained. “You’re nothing to her. You keep declaring that you’re betrothed, and she has stated over and over again that means nothing to her. She will not mate you. Fairies don’t force matings, so it means nothing.”

  “It’s not nothing,” Neldor snarled.

  “No, it’s the reason you might die, and by my hand,” I chuckled darkly as I set down the bushel on the counter. “You keep clinging to it, and I would rather kill you than mate you.” I sighed when he started to argue. “Listen to me!”

  “Fine, what?” he growled, shooting the hobgoblins a look that let me know it was only because he respected them he was doing it as they got upset when he was a dick.

  Dick.

  “You can tell if I’m telling the truth with a rune or whatever, right?” I waited until he nodded. “Do it. No more bullshit or fighting. Hear me for real this time.” Again, I waited until he nodded he’d done it. “I would rather die than ever mate you when I was sold to you on principle alone.”

  His eyes slowly went wide. “You cannot be serious.”

  “I am. It goes against everything I believe in. Family or blood or even the gods cannot sell me to a man. They gave me to you and I’m not theirs to give. I would never mate you because we were betrothed, my fate decided for me, on principle alone. And I would rather kill you than be pressured into this. I will kill you if it comes down to the choice.”

  “That’s not fair or—”

  “Oh, I think it is,” I chuckled, smirking when I saw he believed me. “You want to own my life. That puts your life up as the consequence, Neldor. It’s the same thing as self-defense in my mind. Maybe it’s not the law, but it’s eye for an eye and from what I’ve read of fairies, it tracks as our idea of fair.”

  Craftsman snorted. “Especially since you just made it clear again that she won’t be a real mate to you, but trophy at your side you couldn’t give a fuck about. You need her to control Faerie. That’s it. You were promised her and are fighting for that like she is a toy and the power you want that she has. It’s disgusting, you git.”

  I really needed to understand what White, and now Craftsman, were talking about with Faerie answering to me or the female heirs or whatever. That sounded too out there for me to wrap my head around.

  Well, lots of it was, but that especially.

  Craftsman came over to me with determination in his eyes. “I found what I was looking for yesterday.”

  I flinched, hating how he reacted like I’d punched him in the gut. After I’d started my fun with Lucca, Craftsman had apparently dived into some research and had forgotten lunch and dinner… Forgotten everything else.

  Which reminded me how much that hurt when he’d done that before.

  “It was for you, love,” he whispered, nodding when I gave him a questioning look. “Trust me?”

  I swallowed what I was feeling and moved closer, giving my consent. If Neldor wasn’t there, I would have asked at least a dozen questions and pushed him… But we needed to start having a united front against the dark fairy or he was going to keep poking at us and breaking us apart.

  And I couldn’t keep going on like that. I couldn’t hold out forever against him trying to emotionally beat me around so I was easier to deal with and he could get what he wanted.

  Craftsman moved his left hand to the side of my neck and closed his eyes, speaking Latin as he started drawing runes on the other side of my neck and down my skin.

  “No!” Neldor bellowed.

  I heard something fall and the sound of fighting in the background, but I couldn’t focus on it. I couldn’t look away from Craftsman’s eyes.

  He drew another rune over my heart and I felt our magic, our souls, brush each other, dance together like we had in my kitchen so many months ago. His eyes opened and I felt whatever he had done finish, our very auras sort of snuggle together in comfort.

  “You fool,” Neldor growled.

  I glanced at him then and did a double take, seeing he was being held back by Lucca, Zack, and the hobgoblins who were using magic on him. Woah.

  “Now you can’t do anything to her,” Craftsman chuckled as he pulled me against him. “As her mate, I could place the enchantment on her that would alert me if you so much as use an impression rune on her to
pressure her into something. I’ll know all of it now and she’s safe.”

  And that was what Neldor had tried to stop, fight so hard against.

  He was really the worst.

  Apparently, the apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

  Neldor did a double take this time when he probably saw the disgust on my face. He growled at me. “It also gives him access to all the runes you use. All the secrets we keep of our people. You just gave a warlock from one of the most corrupt families in their world complete access to all the knowledge you will have as the light fairy heir and more!”

  I let out a slow breath. “Let him go.” I nodded when the others looked shock. “He’s valid. I would have tried to stop that too. It might not have been so innocent, but that’s a valid concern and he was trying to protect our people. I can’t fault him that.”

  “And that’s not the enchantment I used,” Craftsman argued.

  “You did—”

  “I altered it,” Craftsman interjected.

  Neldor sighed, yanking away from Lucca and Zack when the hobgoblins let him go. “You can’t. You have to do more than switch around runes, Craftsman. You’d have to be able to invent new runes or create links that witches and warlocks can’t just—”

  “He can,” Lucca, Darby, and several of the hobgoblins said together.

  I nodded when Neldor looked at me for confirmation. “He can make new runes. He’s done it for me and my telepathy to help me.”

  “I can’t even do that,” Neldor muttered, giving Craftsman a suspicious look. “There’s no way you can.”

  I snorted. “I could have told you he was more talented than you.” I felt my cheeks heat as I realized how that sounded, even if everyone knew that I’d never touched Neldor.

  Craftsman ran his fingers along where he had placed the runes. “If you feel this area light up with an uncomfortable heat, they’re flaring in warning and get out of where you are. I’ll meet you and handle what’s been done to you, love.”

  “That’s what you were researching? That’s what you got lost in?”