Reaching Answers

by Erin R Flynn

  “Yeah, and?” I mocked. “There’s nothing you can do about it, right? You going to start this fight?” I chuckled when the elders shared a look. “I’ll tell you the same I told Ainsworth. Please do. Please do come at me. Head on. Launch it. Launch it all. I didn’t need the backup. Did you see me wait for them? Why wouldn’t I wait?”

  “Because you’re a stupid little girl who is too cocky,” Harjo snapped.

  “Because she’s confident and knows her abilities,” Mr. Rothchild drawled. “In a man, you would commend it. We do as dragons. She can best me with a sword. You’re all idiots to keep treating her like that and try so hard to get her.”

  “It’s all bluster,” Mrs. Vogel argued, waving to the group gathered. “This is all the council guards, none probably left to protect any estates and at least three full shifter packs or groups. They aren’t underestimating her anymore and know just how capable and powerful she is. They are running their mouths to try and seem more. This is their ego and trying to save face now.”

  “There is none left to save,” Mr. Vogel chuckled. “Not one council has any respect left for the warlock elders. And I include ours.” He glanced at me. “What did you really—”

  He was interrupted when Mr. Kincaid groaned and grabbed his head.

  I smiled at my side. “Pain. I gave them pain. Every time they think of Izzy, they will feel pain as they should. When they say her name, they will feel pain. If someone speaks of her around them, they will feel pain. A photo? It will hurt. Any of it.” I glanced at Izzy who had her mouth open in surprise. “Because that is what you feel all the time because of them and I cannot stand it anymore.”

  Tears filled her eyes. “I love you too, Tams.”

  “You’d think she was raised by her fairy parent,” one of the elders bitched before opening a temp portal, clearly saying the matter was over.

  For now. None of us believed they were really going to leave me alone for good.

  I could always use more fun… Which was why I decided to poke back.

  “Who says I wasn’t?” I called over with a smirk, the elder freezing in his steps to enter the portal and glancing at me. I waggled my eyebrows at him. “Maybe I was?” I burst out laughing when everyone around him stared at me, completely gobsmacked. “Or maybe I am the last fairy? Sure, go tell everyone that. I’m the last raised by my fairy parents. Burn the last of your credibility with another stupid rumor.”

  What came out of his mouth was enough to cover the ears of kids and something his other elder friends would have looked down on if it was said to anyone other than a lowly woman they couldn’t get under control. Still, saying it in front of Mr. Vogel and other important males was very telling that the guy was at the end of the rope.

  Did he want help tying the noose? I could give a hand with that.

  “Thanks for coming,” I said to the everyone when the council, the guards, and their extras all left… Along with Kincaids, making a hasty exit with their goons.

  “I’m trying not to throttle you,” Mrs. Vogel growled. “How could you taunt them with that?”

  “It was quite genius,” Geiger defended. “Normally, I would agree, but it was the one time to mock them with it. She was calm and laughing at the idea while all of us panicked.”

  “But not for the reason the council will assume,” White grumbled, sighing when several nodded. “They will assume we worry for your safety should that be the next rumor; the Underground would go nuclear if they thought that, for one. None of them would assume it was the truth and we worried. You stopped any of them from going any further on that line.”

  I nodded. “They’ve been progressing towards the answer. First, I had a grandparent. Then two. Then both sides. Now a parent? They keep moving the line and making it seem like that’s been my fun to mock them for taking the bait means—”

  “Their egos will stop them,” Mr. Rothchild sighed. “It’s smart but dangerous.”

  I shrugged. “It’s all dangerous.” I gestured to Izzy. “They took her to melt her mind just to find out what I am and get proof to control me. All of this is dangerous.”

  “Thanks for coming, Tams,” Izzy whispered as she came over to me.

  I hugged her with all I had. “Always. I promised you the day we met that I would be a loyal friend as long as you didn’t tell my secrets and you never have. I need you too, Izzy. No one else can deal with my hair or put up with my shit. They can’t have you.”

  She started with a laugh that turned into a sob as she clutched me. Shock and adrenaline were funny like that, spinning us out and not letting us get our feet for a while. It was understandable. Her parents hadn’t wanted to simply mate her off to raise their standing.

  They’d been willing to completely sacrifice her, leave her nothing more than a vegetable to get in with their corrupt council. Their actions showed how little she mattered to them, even her mother who she’d truly loved.

  If someone didn’t break down sobbing from that then they had no soul and were made of stone.

  And I preferred my friends to have a soul. I would simply bring tissues and fae treats when we needed it.

  20

  A couple of weeks later, I was recharging from unfreezing fairies with piles of fast food and a night alone… And a plan to finally tackle something I’d been dancing around.

  When I’d asked Craftsman how he’d coped with losing his dad, the idea of writing letters had sounded helpful to my situation. However, the execution of it hadn’t been working for me. Mostly because I was too angry to focus, stuck in the midst of the storm and getting tossed around with it.

  But anger was distracting and that was dangerous given how much I was handling. And I always had people around me, guards I paid to do that to protect me, and the eyes didn’t help.

  So I’d ditched everyone and was done with the hemming and hawing. I was hidden in one of my favorite places after it had closed and ready to get down to it.

  Katrina Calloway wouldn’t mind. She had said I was always welcome at her store after all. I’d spent so much money there that I doubted she’d really be miffed if she found me sitting among her stockpiles of books trying to write a letter to my deceased mother who was the queen of the light fairies and I’d just found that all out.

  Yeah, I would have let that one go too.

  Hell, I wished it wasn’t my reality.

  I shoved my chalupa in my mouth and sighed, not letting myself reach for anything else until I put something on the damn paper of the journal I’d bought just to work on this. It seemed silly to buy a fancy journal to write angry letters to your dead mother but she had been queen and… I was an idiot. I had wanted to do this respectfully when I knew it would get ugly.

  M,

  Did you even love me? Could you even love me at all and use me like this? Were you one of those parents like I’ve seen so many times living with humans? Those ones when asked why they had children, they reply, “Because we wanted to.” Well, that’s great… For them. What does that do for the child? You wanted kids and had some.

  Awesome. How selfish.

  Are you capable of giving them what they need? Are you mentally fit to shape and mold another living being and raise them to be useful members of society? Did you think of what they wanted? Would they want you for a parent?

  No? It was all about you?

  How selfish. Good job, you flunked the first test of being a good parent.

  People like that have always irked me and they never understand how horrid their answer is, getting miffed and accusing you of hating kids when you point out what they’ve logically just said. They can’t see past themselves and worry for anyone else.

  So as much as I want to accuse you of being one of those people, I don’t think that’s your damage. I think you’re selfish, but not in that way. I think you love being loved. Maybe. Everything I’ve heard about you was that you were the nicest, kindest person ever. Hearing that constantly has to be wonderful, nice, and soothing.

&n
bsp; Addictive even.

  I wonder what someone would do to keep hearing that, being beloved like that? It sounds crazy to put it in that context, but people kill to keep love. They knock off the spouses or lovers of the people they want thinking they’ll have a chance. Certain people can get twisted up and warped.

  Neldor’s mother makes it clear that fairy queens aren’t exempt from that, so it seems fair to ask… What was your damage? What warped and twisted you up enough to sacrifice your own fucking daughter as you did?

  Because let’s be clear—that’s what you did. You sacrificed me. How could you do that and ever love me? People talk about how selfless you were, but you put this all on me. Fine, you died to save them. I can’t overlook that.

  But if they were all dead, they wouldn’t live to love you and keep saying how awesome you were while I was the one you sacrificed to live a shit life alone. You set me up to never be one of them and looked down on as being an unknown who lived among the humans, risked my magical growth and more not actually giving me over to Geiger.

  Why? So I wasn’t as powerful as you and they wouldn’t love me like they did you? You think I give a shit about that? I don’t want to be a princess or queen or any of it.

  I wanted a family who loved me. I wanted anything but the shit I got and to be sold like I was nothing!

  I threw the journal across the room, knocking over a stack of books that I promised to set right later. I angrily wiped the tears trailing down my cheeks and focused on my Taco Bell.

  “It’s admirable that you’re trying to deal with your grief,” Katrina said softly from the other side of the room, startling the shit out of me. “I know you’re here cloaked, but I’m a powerful witch, darling. I know when someone comes into my store after hours.”

  I took down the barrier and blinked at her. “Sorry.”

  She waved it off and came over. “No apology needed.” She nodded to the space on the other side of my haul. “May I join you? I would love to steal a few tacos if you could spare some. I know Taco Bell can’t be considered Mexican food, but there is something about it that can simply heal and comfort just as a good burger or fried chicken.”

  “It can,” I agreed. “Help yourself. I can always get more.” I shrugged when she snorted. No reason to deny it. “The program we started is going well. I think it’s time for fifteen at a time, so I’m restocking more calories.”

  “And eating your feelings.” She gave me a sad look as she sat. “I met your mother once. She was an odd one and I don’t mean that as a slight, as I think the finest people are all a bit odd. Outstanding doesn’t lead to being normal, as the definitions themselves conflict.”

  That was fair. I nodded, accepting that as I sorted out what I had left better so she could select. I even gave her one of my Mountain Dews and then settled down with a stack of Chalupa Supremes with steak. Well, I had ground beef and chicken too, but I was starting with steak.

  I was in a chalupa mood. So sue me.

  “I shouldn’t care enough to ask,” I rasped, angry I was crying again. Calloway was so strong and I was acting like a weak little girl and I hated that.

  “I can see you chastising yourself in your aura. Stop it,” she scolded. “You are not weak for caring about your family. You are a loving woman. I have cried many tears for you and finding Queen Meira was gone. Do you think me weak?”

  “No, never. You’re always calm and collected,” I whispered, not able to hide my shock at all. “You—really? You and White always have your shit together.”

  “Oh, darling, no we don’t,” she chuckled darkly. “And it’s not always because of good reasons, we keep it all so repressed. Witches are raised in certain ways that it’s expected of us. Even in decent families like mine and White’s. We’re taught it in school and by our families to survive. You also learn it with age. You are so, so young. You simply don’t feel it from all you’ve been through.”

  I mulled that over as I kept eating. That was fair. “What was she like?”

  “Gorgeous. Maybe the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen in the flesh,” Katrina admitted. “Graceful. Grace practically oozed from her pores.”

  Well that clearly skipped me. I tripped and fell all the time. I was only graceful in a fight or in training. Dancing too, but no one would ever use that description on me.

  “Troubled,” she sighed, nodding when I gave her a curious look. “It was only a flash but I saw it. I saw her mask crack for just a moment and her aura flashed bright with pain… But in the dulled way that I now know is your fairy rune. Her eyes glazed in a distant kind of look and then in a moment, she was back.” The seriousness in Katrina’s tone and eyes made me put it together fast.

  “You think her visions hurt her.”

  “Yes, exceedingly so.” She gave a one shoulder shrug before taking a bite of a taco and chewing it. “I don’t think I put it all together until knowing you. I’ve only met a few telepaths in passing. Most don’t tell, as you’ve seen the prejudice against them and flags sent up at their power. With how sexist our societies are, that’s dangerous for women. Most hide it.”

  “Yeah, but even my telepathy has hurt me a ton of times. I never thought of that. How the visions could hurt her. My head feels sensitive when I get images, not just hearing stuff, and linking minds has given me nosebleeds. Seeing the future had to hurt a lot.”

  “It makes sense if you think about it, but I doubt most do, focused more on how exceptional the talent is. How only a few in history have had it. Or so they’ve said.”

  “True, but that doesn’t defend how—”

  “I’m not defending her,” Katrina argued, shaking her head when I raised an eyebrow. “I’m not, Tamsin. I met your mother once. I didn’t know the woman or really have an opinion for her one way or the other besides she was fair with Iolas, who was in love with her.” She held up her hand to hold me off. “But you are my friend. I bring this all up because I care for you. I care deeply for you, darling.”

  I gave her a watery smile. “You realized I have no one to talk about this with because she’s not just my mother, but Queen Meira, and no one has a bad word about her.”

  “Yes. But she’s not Queen Meira to you, and every daughter has the right to say whatever she wants about her mother. Gods knows I did and have, even if she’s gone. No woman is perfect. You are a wonderful daughter to protect the legacy of your mother, but you cannot keep this in anymore. It’s eating at you and I’m worried. I doubt I’m the only one.”

  “No, you’re not,” I confessed, gesturing to the journal I threw. “Julian said his mom had him write letters to his dad after he was gone and it helped. I was finally making myself try it.”

  “Did it help?”

  I didn’t answer right away, eating two chalupas before giving a slow nod. “I think maybe it focused the anger. A bit. It could help if I keep doing it. It’s all been this fuming chaos of snowballing rage and trauma that is all swirled around me, but I articulated a few things. I don’t know if focusing anything will help, but chaos is never good to have inside of you.”

  “True, very true and wise.” She didn’t say anything until she’d polished off the tacos she wanted and started cleaning up her wrappers. “You might be completely correct in whatever you’re feeling about your mother. I won’t try and dissuade you, and I’m certainly not here to try and defend her. As your friend, I will say my only advice is for you and if you’re open to it.”

  “From one of my favorite witches? One of the wisest ever? Always.” I smiled at her to let her know I meant it.

  “You are one of the wisest young ones I’ve ever know because you are not quick to jump to conclusions. You are very quick to accurately assess situations and grasp what’s going on when you walk into a room or if there’s a problem. But you do not jump the gun or make judgments without facts. Don’t let your pain change that about you here.”

  “We won’t ever know the answers. My judgments and answers are all I’ll have,” I argued,
trying to keep my anger out of my voice.

  I wasn’t angry at Katrina after all.

  “Oh? Really? You think a woman wise enough to lead an entire realm and who had painful future telling visions that saved all fairies wouldn’t think to write any of this down to explain to her daughter one day? Even the men who run the country we live in pass along that football thing with the nuclear launch codes. You don’t think a woman would be smarter and do more than that? I do. I’d bet a lot on that.”

  “Thank you, Katrina.”

  “I’m glad I could help, darling.” She stood and smiled at me. “There is one more thing you are also forgetting. You weren’t born of only a mother. Somewhere out there could still be your father.”

  I winced, nodding though, since she was right. “I think I’m out of hope after the bombshells I learned last time. I’m not sure I can open anymore Pandora’s Boxes and have them explode in my face. I’ve had several the past few years, and that’s taken a toll.”

  “Yes, and you think no fairy will accept you if your father is indeed a dark fairy.” She chuckled when I couldn’t hide my shock. “Iolas. He still had the telepathy rune on from something you were all doing, and you took off your mental shield when you were exhausted. He caught the thought and came to me in confidence on how to help you since you won’t discuss such matters with him.”

  “I know you trust him and I will on certain things because of that, but he was in love with my mother. It’s weird. It’s super weird, Katrina.”

  “Yes, it is, but not to fairies. Love to them is… You were raised human, and I in the prude society of witches and warlocks. To fairies, it’s like breathing and without stigmas. It’s so freeing to hear them speak of it. If your mother did love a dark fairy, it would be an epic tale celebrated of a great romance, even forbidden. That’s how fairies are.”

  “They believe in rules and fight for justice.”

  “Yes, but fairness, not current laws,” she corrected. “Fairies weren’t always separated by their own history.”