Jagged Ink: A Montgomery Ink: Colorado Springs Novel

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  He’d moved back in.

  Finally.

  He knew it wasn’t over, they still had to work on their marriage, but now they would be doing it under the same roof.

  The two of them were in the middle of their new beginning. Or maybe they were just starting. Either way, there was more to do than just pretending that everything would be okay if they continued to talk. They would continue to talk. Carter was more in love with Roxie now than he had ever been before. And he was going to make sure that they kept up with their newly found counseling sessions. Yes, they would be going to marriage counseling. But it was more than that. They were going to start grief counseling, too.

  It was something they should’ve done long before this. It was something they should’ve done before they walked away from each other emotionally, before they did so physically, too.

  Carter had never been one to talk about his feelings. He had hidden himself from the dangers of what it meant to feel long before he even met Roxie. She had been the one to open him up after he lost his parents. Roxie had done so much for him.

  Now, he was going to do something good for both of them and make sure he continued to be open with his wife.

  And that meant counseling. That meant talking. And that meant facing his fears.

  Because, in the end, he was just so afraid that he was going to lose his wife again. He knew that if he weren’t careful, he would make more mistakes. So, going to an outside source, and even talking to her family, his family, would help.

  “Are you okay in there?” Roxie asked, her voice not as hesitant as it had been. Because they were together, and this was their happily ever after.

  Finally.

  “Yeah, one sec.”

  He quickly put the last of his things away and then went to the living room. Roxie sat there on the couch, a cheese plate in front of her, and a smile on her face.

  “You know, I really don’t think it’s just Thea who likes cheese to that shocking degree anymore. I’m pretty sure you have joined the ranks.”

  “She’s the one who sent the cheese over. I can’t help that I had to cut it up and have it with grapes and some crackers and a little thing of nuts. A charcuterie plate needs to be set if there’s cheese in the house.”

  “One of us. One of us. One of us.”

  She tossed a pillow at him, and he caught it, grinning. And then he leaned over and kissed her lips. “I love you, Roxie.”

  “I love you more, Carter.”

  “No, I don’t think that’s possible. But we can be equal. How’s that?”

  She snuggled up to him and kissed his jaw. He loved when she did that. And he knew that she liked it when he had a beard, so he had started doing extra beard care on his newly grown facial hair. That meant more time working on his face in the morning, and the guys sometimes razzed him about it at the shop when they could smell the sandalwood or whatever other scents he knew Roxie might like. He didn’t care. Because Roxie liked it, and that was all that mattered. And if he were honest with himself, he liked it, too.

  “Are you ready?” he asked, his voice soft.

  “I’ve been ready.” Her eyes filled with tears, but she blinked them away, so he kissed each cheekbone and then the tip of her nose. And then they both leaned forward to the stack of papers next to the cheese plate. One by one, they tore up each sheet. Yes, the fact that she had filed would forever be on some computer somewhere for people to find, but that didn’t matter. This was just a symbol of what him moving back in meant. They were no longer getting a divorce. The idea that he had signed the papers at all because he had thought he wasn’t good enough, that it was what they needed, just brought them closer in the end.

  Maybe they had gone about it the wrong way, but he didn’t care.

  They had gone about it their way and were now going to be just fine.

  Thank God.

  As soon as the final paper was torn, he started kissing her again. Then she was on her back, and he was between her legs, rocking into her as he kissed her. Both of their breaths came in pants, and he was just about to lift up her sweater—wine, cheese, and paper shreds long forgotten—when Roxie’s phone buzzed on the table. They both froze, looking at each other, and then started laughing. They had tried to have sex at least four times that day, and a different family member had called every single time.

  Everyone was just so happy that they were getting back together, that they were finally back together, that the phone hadn’t stopped ringing.

  “I’m never going to be able to get inside you again, am I?”

  She just smiled and patted his chest, so he sat up and brought her with him. He kissed her again as she reached for the phone, but when she answered, she was straddling him, and his hard cock was pressed against her heat. It didn’t matter that they were both wearing pants. It had to count for something.

  “Hey, Shea, how are you today?”

  Carter just laughed, trying to keep it silent because her sister-in-law calling was just one of many. Landon had actually been the first person to call that morning, surprising both of them. But his former roommate had mentioned that he had left a sock over, and Carter would have to be back soon to get it.

  He had a feeling Landon missed him, even if neither of them would say it. He would never be able to truly give back and say thanks when it came to what Landon had done for him. He had not only forced Carter to look at what he was leaving but had given him shelter from the rain. Metaphorically and physically. Carter just hoped to be able to repay the favor one day, and with the way things were going with Kaylee and Landon, that might happen soon.

  “Let me put you on speaker,” Roxie said quickly, her eyes wide. There was something off about that. Carter could sense the happiness in her tone, but it was like she was pulling away again for some reason. He didn’t understand it. But as soon as Shea said the words, he understood.

  “Shep and I are having another baby!”

  Another baby.

  It didn’t hurt, not like he thought it would, because he was happy for them. But, still.

  “Congratulations,” he said, his gaze on Roxie’s. Because she was saying all the right words, doing all the right things, but something was…off. And he didn’t know what.

  “I’m just so happy for you,” Roxie said. “So, when’s the big day?”

  Shea began to talk, talking about going into second trimesters, and how proud the daddy was. Shep was in the background, grumbling about having to deal with two children, even though he sounded beyond happy. Shep just liked to complain with a growl because he knew that Shea would just lap it up, grinning and laughing with her husband.

  Carter said all the right things along with Roxie, knowing that he was going to love this baby just like he loved Livvy and Daisy and any other children that came into their lives that he would be an uncle to.

  But he still felt that little clutch, the idea that their baby hadn’t made it. The idea that he and Roxie didn’t have their baby. Their Angel.

  And maybe that was what was wrong with Roxie. But there was something different there, something more than just the pain he knew she must be feeling.

  And so when they hung up, he leaned forward, but she scrambled off his lap, her hands shaking. “What’s wrong?”

  She didn’t answer. So, Carter guessed. “Shep and Shea said that they had been trying for another baby for the past year, and it’s finally happening. Are you thinking about Angel? I am, too, but what else is wrong, Roxie?”

  “I don’t know if I can do this. I didn’t know it would hurt this much. I…I can’t breathe.” And then she walked out of the room, leaving him alone and wondering what the fuck had just happened.

  Wait. This wasn’t going to end like this. She wasn’t just going to walk out of the room. They were going to talk. They had worked way too hard for this, and he was done not talking about the big things. He didn’t care if it hurt. So, he followed her into the bedroom where she paced, wrapping her arms around her middle.
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  “Talk to me. We made a promise to each other, Roxie. Fucking talk to me.”

  “I know. And I didn’t mean to actually walk away from you, I just needed space to breathe. Not space from you.”

  He cupped her face, stalling her pacing. “Tell me what you’re thinking.”

  “I don’t know if I even want another baby. And I don’t know why those thoughts are coming to me when I’m thinking about Shep and Shea, because that has nothing to do with me. I’m like the most selfish sister in the world.”

  Carter took a breath, letting her words soak into him, and then he nodded. “Okay. We’re getting somewhere. You are not selfish for thinking about yourself.”

  “That is the definition of being selfish.”

  “No, it isn’t. You’re not only thinking about you. Because I know you were genuine when you said that you were happy for them. I know that because I see the way you act around Livvy. The way you act around Daisy. Daisy isn’t even technically our niece yet, and you still act like the best aunt in the world.”

  “I think that my sisters and Shea might disagree with that.”

  “No, you’re all collectively the best aunts in the world. You’re damn good at what you do, and you love those little girls. And you’re going to love this new baby. And you’re going to love any other babies that come into the Montgomerys. You’re allowed to think about more than just that at once. You are a beautiful, brilliant, and dynamic woman. You can think about many things and care about many things at once. That’s what makes you human. That’s what makes us human. But let’s talk about that thing you said first. You don’t know if you ever want a baby?”

  She shook her head, and he knew that she was going to be sick soon if she didn’t let it out. He knew his wife. He could read her again. Because she wasn’t closing herself off. And that counted for more than anything.

  “Talk to me.”

  She breathed against him before she spoke. “When I got pregnant the first time, I was excited but scared. Because having a kid was always something that was just on the periphery.” She ran her hands over her face. “And then when we lost her, I went to a support group. You know that. We talked about it.”

  He nodded. At the cabin, they had talked about the fact that Roxie had gone right after losing the baby. But she hadn’t said what had happened there, only that she had tried, and it hadn’t worked out.

  “What happened?”

  “There were so many women there who desperately wanted to be mothers. And it was like they were feeding into each other, trying to explain to each other that all they wanted in this world was to be a mother. That their entire identity of being a woman was to become a mother. And it hurt. Because I knew that wasn’t the case for them. And I know it’s not the case for me. My identity is more than just that, and it scares me and makes me feel like a horrible person. Because I know that we are layered, made up of so many different things, and I was truly afraid that I was drowning in something that I didn’t understand.”

  Carter nodded, letting her speak. He didn’t know what to say because he’d never felt like that, hadn’t had the world put on his shoulders that way. But he’d missed it in Roxie, and that was something he would have to help with. If she let him.

  “There was this woman who looked directly at me as she was speaking, though I know she was talking to the whole group. She said that by not having our babies, the ones we lost, we were not fulfilling our purpose in life. I knew that was bullshit. I wanted that baby, sure. I wanted Angel so badly once I knew it was a possibility. But now… now, I know that we need to figure out who we are. And we’re on that path, and we’re doing it, and I love you so much. But I’m this confused, tangled mess of nerves, and this woman’s words just keep coming back to me.”

  Carter let out a breath and then kissed her before putting his hands on her shoulders, looking her directly in the eyes. Anger coursed through him, but he let it go. This wasn’t about him. It never had been. “What that woman said was bullshit. You’re right. And because of those words, they’re making you all confused.”

  “I know. That’s what I just said.”

  “I’m not good with words, Roxie. You know this. But I know that your worth is not tied up with just one thing. Your worth is connected to everything, and that makes me love you so much. And when we are ready to have a baby, if we are ready to have a baby, we will make that decision together. I’m not going to pressure you, and you’re not going to pressure me. And our family, the Montgomerys—because you made a point that they are my family, too—our family won’t pressure us either. Because they never did when we were fighting. They were there for us when we needed them, they were there for you when you needed them. But we’ll make our own path. And when the time comes, we’ll be there for each other. Because, dammit, I’m not losing you again.”

  “I know. It’s just this whole big thing in my head, and I think I just needed to get it out. I feel so stupid.”

  “You’re not stupid.”

  “But I say stupid things. And my mind goes to stupid places.”

  “Well, let’s talk about it with our counselor.” He paused. “I can’t believe I just said those words out loud.”

  “I can’t believe you did either, but I’m kind of glad you did because we’re growing. We’re actually being adults and dealing with what’s going on inside of us. I probably should’ve done this long before now, but, as I said, I’m stupid sometimes. And, yes, I realize I just said I’m stupid again, but I’m running out of words for how muddled my brain feels when it comes to this whole baby thing.”

  “Then let’s do it. One day at a time, one step at a time. Maybe we’ll have kids in the future, or maybe we won’t. Maybe we should start with a cat. I know you like cats.”

  “I love cats. And dogs. Maybe a gerbil.”

  He snorted. “A gerbil could work. We can find something that works.”

  He laughed and then kissed her again. “I love you so damn much. And I’m never going to take that for granted again.”

  “Deal, I love you.”

  “Now, let me kiss away those tears, and maybe we can get back to where we left off before the phone rang.” And, as if on cue, her phone rang again, and she chuckled as she leaned her forehead against his chest.

  “Okay, seems like a baby won’t be a problem because we’re never having sex again.”

  “You’re a dork. I love you.”

  And then he took her hand, and they went into the living room to answer the call from her mother who wanted to talk about the upcoming baby.

  And, one day, if they were ready, they might have a child of their own. But first, they were just going to be Roxie and Carter.

  Finally.

  They were their own version of themselves. Because they had taken far too long to figure out who that was, and Carter was never letting go. He had found his happily ever after, even when he had been firmly running away from it.

  Roxie was his.

  And he was never letting go again.

  Epilogue

  Montgomery dinners were seriously one of Roxie’s favorite things, especially when they included friends of the family that were practically family members themselves. They hadn’t always been, but today? Today was pretty amazing.

  They were all stuffed to the gills with roast, potatoes, green beans, and rolls. And, of course, cheese since Thea and Dimitri were there. Now, they had piled into her parents’ living room to talk about upcoming wedding plans for Thea and Dimitri, as well as Adrienne and Mace.

  Talk of a double-wedding had come up and had been properly shut down, very quickly. After all, Thea and Adrienne could not be more different in terms of taste, and everyone wanted more than one party to celebrate their growing family.

  Roxie and Carter had thought about renewing their vows to each other but had decided against it. They had said their words of promise and love and forever to each other more than once, and with each time they opened up to each other, and every time
they leaned on one another, it was a vow that counted for more than any ceremony would.

  They were, however, actually going on a honeymoon this summer. They were headed to Aruba where she could enjoy the blue waters, white sand, and watching her husband walk around in nothing but shorts that rode low on his hips.

  Her mouth watered just thinking about it.

  “You’re drooling,” Carter whispered in her ear, and she closed her eyes, knowing she was blushing.

  “Shush,” she whispered.

  “I know you’re thinking something naughty. Keep it in mind for later.”

  “Shush,” she repeated, her face hot.

  “What are you two whispering about over there?” her mom asked from the floor where she sat with Captain, Daisy, Julia, and Livvy. Her mom was seriously one amazing grandma.

  “Nothing,” she and Carter said at the same time, and all of the adults in the room laughed, the kids joining in on the fun. Captain howled just for the heck of it.

  This was family. This was what Roxie had run from because she’d been scared that she wasn’t enough. But she’d been wrong. Oh, so wrong.

  Shep and Shea were in Colorado for the long haul, and she was getting to know her brother and sister-in-law in new ways every day. Roxie smiled down at Shea’s tiny baby bump and didn’t feel a single ounce of whatever she had felt the day she’d found out they were having another baby. Talking it out with Carter and their counselor had helped.

  Roxie hadn’t realized how much those words from that one woman at a single meeting had gotten to her over the last year, and she was glad that she had been able to get it out of her head. Because she knew that, one day, she and Carter might want a baby of their own. But there was no rush. They had time and, for now, they could focus on each other, something they hadn’t been able to do properly because they were both so in their heads.

  Roxie looked over at Adrienne and Mace as they whispered to one another, Mace’s big hand in her sister’s hair. The two had been best friends for ages, and when they finally fell for each other, Roxie had cheered. They were perfect for each other, and Roxie couldn’t wait to see what they did with their family as time moved on.