by Nicola Marsh
‘I was horrible to you, Jane, and I’m sorry.’ Gladys spoke so softly Jane had trouble hearing her. ‘I blamed you.’
Incredulous, Jane shook her head. ‘For what?’
‘When he was alive, for tethering me to him and later, after he was gone, for reminding me of him every damn day.’
‘But you just said that’s the only reason you had me, to bind you to Dad for the money.’ Jane pressed her fingertips to her temples, confusion making her head ache. ‘As for me reminding you of him, that’s bullshit—your way of projecting your guilt of driving him to his death onto me.’
‘You may be right.’ Gladys shook her head. ‘I know my rationale doesn’t make sense and I’m a terrible person for taking my problems out on you, but I sat back and watched you and your father for years, closer than close, with me being on the outer. Stupidly, I resented you for tying me to him yet was jealous at the same time. Then when he died I thought things would change, that you would turn to me like you depended on him, and when you stayed away instead I hated you for that.’
‘I was giving you time to grieve because you were ignoring me anyway!’ Jane threw her hands up in exasperation. ‘And when I eventually came to you, hoping you’d tell me the truth about what I’d overheard the night Dad died, you left me in little doubt that I meant nothing to you.’
All her life, Jane had never seen her mother cry, so to see tears pooling in her eyes and dripping down her cheeks was almost as shocking as learning of her dad’s homosexuality.
‘I’ve never known how to love,’ Gladys whispered. ‘Your grandparents were cold, nasty people who sent me to boarding school from the time I commenced school. They lived in Western Australia and sent me to Victoria, that’s how far they wanted to get away from me.’ She barked out a harsh laugh. ‘They died when I was seventeen, so I left school and started working. Odd jobs along the Murray, fruit picking mostly.’
Jane’s jaw dropped. The thought of her mother doing manual labour was completely outlandish.
‘That’s when I met your father—in Albury. He came from a rich family but wanted to rebel, so took a consultancy job for a small irrigation firm and that’s how we ended up as housemates.’ Gladys shrugged. ‘The rest you know. But what I’m trying to say is I always knew I’d make a lousy mother. I hoped things would change after you were born and while I tried, I was hopeless, while your father was a natural parent. You seemed to hate me more after he died, which I can understand now because you heard us arguing that horrible night … and every time I saw you, you reminded me of him and the mistake I made, telling him he’d be better off dead … I took out my guilt on you and for that, I hope you can forgive me.’
Jane didn’t know what to say. She’d never seen this human side to her mother before but it didn’t change facts or erase the awful things she’d done. But as tears continued to trickle down Gladys’s cheeks, she knew she had to give her something.
‘I appreciate you telling me this, but I think it’s going to take a while for me to work through it. Give me time to process it all.’
‘It’s a start.’ Gladys managed a watery smile. ‘And more than I deserve.’
‘Thanks for finally opening up. I’ll let you know my plans.’
Gladys nodded. ‘Where will you go?’
‘Melbourne, probably.’ Though in reality she could start afresh anywhere, an incredibly liberating thought she’d allow to flourish now she’d made the decision. ‘I’ll tell you before I leave.’
As she headed for the door, Gladys called out, ‘Jane?’
She paused. ‘Yes?’
‘I truly am sorry.’
Jane wanted to say words were cheap and her mother’s actions spoke volumes, but in coming here she’d gained the closure she’d wanted so she swallowed a bitter retort. She managed a tight smile of acknowledgement before closing the door behind her.
CHAPTER
38
Isla’s coach had relented and let her back on the netball team a week early from her extended suspension, but only if Isla put in extra training every night after school, which left Tash with a luxurious forty minutes to herself at home tonight before she headed into town to pick up her daughter. She’d just settled on the couch and opened her novel when a loud knock sounded at the front door. Nobody came all the way to Wattle Lane unannounced so as she padded to the door, she hoped it wasn’t bad news.
Opening it, she got a pleasant surprise. Kody on her doorstep was definitely good news but he’d usually use the back door.
‘Can I come in?’
‘Sure.’ She held the door wider. ‘How did you get here?’
‘I’ve been in town. Asked the taxi driver to drop me off here.’
Something had changed between the time she’d taken him home this morning and now. Earlier, there’d been a softness to him when he looked at her: a spark in his eyes, the way he’d once looked at her all those years ago. Now, he could barely meet her gaze as he hobbled past her without a kiss.
Disappointment made her slam the door a little harder than intended and he jumped before spinning around to face her. Only then did she notice the large yellow envelope by his side, his fingers clutching it so hard it crinkled.
‘What’s that?’ Though the moment she asked the question she knew. His downcast expression, his inability to touch her after he’d done nothing but, all night. Those had to be custody papers. But why the moroseness … unless …
‘Are you trying to screw me over custody?’
He startled, his eyes wide. ‘Of course not. But in these situations where the parents don’t live close together it’s difficult to keep everybody happy.’
Tash’s blood chilled. She may be naïve but she’d envisioned them doing this together, especially after the way they’d reconnected. A visit to the lawyer as coparents, trying to come to a mutually beneficial agreement for all involved, mostly Isla. But Kody wouldn’t be acting like this if he didn’t think she’d be okay with it. Which meant she could be in trouble.
‘Let me see.’ She held out her hand and he gave her the envelope. She didn’t offer him a drink or a seat, her lack of hospitality indicative of how much he’d rattled her. ‘Guess I should be grateful you took it upon yourself to deliver these in person,’ she said, sliding the papers out of the envelope.
‘I want this to be as painless as possible, for everyone,’ he said, dragging a hand through his hair, in the same way he’d done last night after she’d messed it up. ‘I care about you, Tash—’
‘Oh my god.’ Her eyes were drawn to one thing: the time Isla would spend with her father. Twelve weeks a year. Three months. With extra weekends where possible.
She’d known it would come to this. Considering the distance between them, Isla would need to spend large blocks of time with Kody rather than custody arrangements where parents alternated every weekend. But the thought of not having her baby with her for weeks … it hurt worse than she could’ve imagined.
She’d never get to spend the holidays with her daughter again. She’d be the serious parent, overseeing homework and extracurricular activities, while Kody got to do all the fun stuff. She’d miss out on Christmas and Easter and other holidays when they’d usually lounge around in their pyjamas all day, eating junk food and binge-watching old favourites like Gilmore Girls.
Tash considered herself practical. She’d always made the best of her life, even when things had got tough. But for the first time in ages this situation had her floundering. What would she do with all that time on her own? No driving Isla around, no movie marathons on the weekends, no lunches to make. She’d been single and independent in Melbourne and loved it. But her world had shrunk considerably since then. Sure, she’d been thinking of finishing her degree but that would only take up so much time.
‘I know it seems like a lot when the weeks are consecutive, like the six weeks in the summer holidays, but she’ll live with you the rest of the time …’ He trailed off when she staggered to the nearest din
ing chair and collapsed onto it. ‘This is fair, Tash.’
‘I know,’ she murmured, her response barely above a whisper. ‘It’s just that I can’t imagine not seeing my baby for that long. All summer …’ Tears filled her eyes and she tried to blink them away, to little effect as they trickled down her cheeks. ‘I know this had to be done and you deserve to spend as much time with her as possible, but seeing it in print is very different to thinking about it.’
Tash expected him to apologise for taking control of the situation and doing it on his own, especially after last night. She expected comfort, kind words. But when she dashed away her tears and looked up, he was staring at her with something akin to regret.
‘This could’ve been so different if I’d known about her all these years,’ he said, folding his arms.
‘We’re back to this? After all that’s happened?’
‘We slept together, Tash, and you think that should wipe away the first thirteen years of my daughter’s life—the years I’ve missed?’
He was deliberately trying to hurt her. That could be the only reason for him reducing everything that had happened—building a relationship with Isla, recovering from his trauma in Wellington, accepting her help, growing closer—to a shag.
A deep-seated ache expanded in her chest, potent and strong, until she could barely breathe. ‘You need to leave.’
‘This shouldn’t change our friendship, Tash, for Isla’s sake.’
‘Thanks for the reminder but I’ve always put Isla first.’ She stood and stomped to the door, belatedly realising he couldn’t walk the distance between their houses without a detrimental effect on his ankle. ‘Let’s go, I’ll drop you off.’
Wisely, Kody kept his mouth shut for the short drive and when he got out of her car and closed the door, she took great pleasure in doing a burnout in the dust.
She hoped he choked on it.
CHAPTER
39
The following Friday night, Kody sat at a darkened table at the back of the roadhouse, casting surreptitious glances around in the hope of seeing Tash. She’d be working tonight; all hands on deck for the blues night according to Ruby. The owner was a lot younger than he’d imagined and she’d been thrilled he’d agreed to perform tonight. She’d been accommodating with his request for anonymity too and had a plan to keep the locals in line. He hoped it would work, because if the media got wind of his whereabouts, his quiet life over the last month or so would be gone, and he wasn’t quite ready to give it up yet. He wanted to spend more quality time with Isla and mend fences with Tash, who’d avoided him since he’d handed her the custody agreement, only communicating through brief texts about times she’d drop Isla over.
He didn’t know why she’d reacted so badly to the agreement. He’d been more than fair and since they’d slept together he wanted to ensure everything had been spelled out before they pursued … whatever it was they’d be doing for the rest of the time he was in town.
So much for that.
He couldn’t get that night out of his mind. Back when they’d first met she’d been shy about her body, and he’d been more than glad to educate her. What she lacked in experience she made up for in enthusiasm and they’d been great in bed.
But that night at the roadhouse, and later at her place, had left him stunned. Tash had been a confident, wanton woman who had seduced him with her mouth and her hands and he’d been blown away. They’d always had sparks, and whether it was due to maturity or time spent apart or their bodies recognising each other on some visceral level, that night with Tash had been memorable. And he couldn’t get it out of his head no matter how hard he tried.
He hoped to talk to her tonight, to have a chat after the gig, maybe get a lift home with her. Though if the last few days were any indication she’d call him a taxi rather than be holed up in the car with him for fifteen minutes.
‘Ready to start?’ Ruby slid into the chair opposite, her eyes glittering with excitement. ‘I can’t believe the Kody Lansdowne is playing here tonight.’ She puffed out a breath that ended in a pout. ‘Damned annoying I couldn’t publicise it though. It would put this place on the map.’
He laughed. ‘You can plaster it on every social media app in the universe once I leave town but for now, secrecy is paramount.’
She nodded, suddenly serious. ‘For Isla and Tash, I get it.’
‘Thanks.’
She stood and he experienced a flash of fear like he’d been kicked in the chest. Dumb, because he’d already been on stage here. He could do this.
‘Where’s Tash?’
‘Right here,’ she said from behind him, and Ruby gave a brief nod.
‘I’ll give you a few minutes before introducing you,’ Ruby said, then slipped away.
‘You ready to do this?’ Tash took the seat Ruby had vacated. She wore her hair snagged in a high ponytail, a tight navy T-shirt and denim jeans. The place obviously didn’t have a dress code, but he preferred this laid-back look. Tash had slicked pink gloss on her lips and mascara darkened her lashes. She looked beautiful and his heart gave an almighty leap that left him breathless.
Concern creased her brow. ‘You don’t look so good.’
If she only knew his fear of performing had been replaced by a greater fear: losing her. The last time they spoke he’d acted like a jackass, belittling what they’d shared to just sex. He’d panicked because they couldn’t have a meaningful relationship, but damned if he didn’t want to try.
Clearing his throat, he said, ‘I’m fine. Just jitters.’
‘Anything I can do?’
‘You’ve done enough.’ Before he could reconsider the decision to touch her, he reached across the table and snagged her hand. ‘Honestly, Tash, I couldn’t have done any of this without you. You gave me a much-needed kick up the bum by pushing me out of my comfort zone to seek help, you’ve listened when I needed you to and you were here for me when I confronted my fear of performing.’ He raised her hand to his mouth and pressed a kiss on the back of it. ‘Thank you.’
She blushed and he wished he were bringing colour to her cheeks by other means. Man, he needed to get his mind out of his pants and focus.
‘You’re welcome,’ she said. ‘And I’m sorry about freaking out over the custody papers. They’re a necessity. I get it. It’s just tough for me, when Isla’s been my world for so long.’
She’d always spoken her mind and he loved that about her. No game playing like some other women he’d dated. Tash owned up to her feelings and moved on. He could learn a lot from her.
‘I understand.’
Sliding her hand out of his, she pointed at the stage. ‘I think you’re on.’
He glanced up to see Ruby stepping behind the microphone. Wolf-whistles and cheers broke out as she grinned and held up her hands.
Tash stood and moved around the table to lean down, her lips an inch from his ear. ‘I’d tell you to break a leg but knowing you, it’d be your good one.’
He laughed and quickly turned his head, snatching a kiss before she knew what was happening. To his surprise, she lingered, pressing her lips to his, sending his libido skyrocketing, before easing away and melding into the crowd.
Ruby glanced at him and he gave a slight nod. That good-luck kiss had buoyed him but it didn’t settle his nerves completely. His gut churned with trepidation though his hands were steady as he flexed and unfurled his fingers, limbering them up.
Ruby picked up the mic and moved to the front of the stage. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to The Watering Hole’s famous blues night.’
‘Shouldn’t that be infamous?’ some smart-arse called out, accompanied by raucous laughter.
With a grin, Ruby held up her hand to silence them. ‘Tonight, we’ve got a special treat for you and I want you to let me finish before asking questions, okay?’ Ruby knew how to command a room because nobody spoke and she continued, ‘Our performer tonight is a megastar. He’s sold out concerts all around the world and is Australia’s
most famous rock export.’
A low hum filled the room, with the occasional titter, as Kody slunk further back into the shadows. He knew this was a risk, one he was willing to take because it was time to get his band back together and this small country venue would be the perfect place to do it.
‘Tonight is his first gig in a while and he’s doing me a personal favour by performing. But he’s also in Brockenridge to take a break from the rigours of fame and until now, no paparazzi have caught wind of his whereabouts. And I’d like to keep it that way. So that means no one in this room breathes a word of this to anyone. No posts on social media. No texts to friends. Nothing. If you keep his identity under wraps, he will get his entire band to perform a personal gig for the whole town at the next blues night, free of charge.’
Unable to maintain silence any longer, a guy yelled, ‘Are you talking about Kody Lansdowne and Rock Hard Place? My kid mentioned he’s in town and I didn’t believe her.’
Ruby paused for emphasis before nodding, and all hell broke loose.
Foot stomping and screams and yells filled the air and Kody smiled. This was one of the parts he loved most about the music industry: the fans. The genuine, die-hard fans that queued for hours to buy tickets, who wore memorabilia, who would go to any lengths to prove their loyalty. He was counting on the latter to keep his location a secret for now.
Ruby tapped the mic, trying to get the crowd to shush. ‘Remember, folks, if you want Rock Hard Place entertaining you in Brockenridge, enjoy Kody’s performance tonight but don’t tell anyone.’
‘We’re not bloody galahs, Rubes, of course we’ll keep our traps shut,’ someone shouted, with rumblings of agreement.
‘Now, it gives me great pleasure to welcome Kody Lansdowne to the stage.’ Ruby beckoned him and Kody stood, rolled his shoulders and shook off his nerves. ‘Come on up here, you rock star.’
Kody grinned and stepped into the light, and the crowd went wild again. About one hundred and thirty country folk in various shades of denim and flannelette clapping over their heads.
