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by Rachel De Lune

  “Stop sucking your lip and suck my dick, sweetheart.”

  In this post-orgasmic haze, my whole body still floats in bliss. I start at the base and lightly lick with the tip of my tongue. I tease up his shaft and across his inflamed head until I can taste the salty pre-come. He emits a deep moan as I suck him to the back of my throat. I snake my tongue over the length of his cock and lave its bulging head and then repeat, sliding my wet lips down.

  He tastes good and he’s so hard I feel the pulse of his heart through the bulging veins in his shaft. The thought that desire for me has made him this way thrills me. I take him deeper into my mouth and suck harder. I’m as hot for him now as when he was teasing me. His cock swells in my mouth, stretching my lips wider. My free hand wraps his thigh to steady myself. The hard muscles of his upper leg bunch and electric tension zings through my palm. I want to push him over. I bring my other hand up and hold the base of his cock. I wrap my fingers around him and squeeze. He’s holding back, showing me his restraint, but I want him to let go. Go on, Izzy. Make him come!

  “Isabel, I am so close.”

  I pull off him but continue to gently pump him with my hand. “I know. I want you to come. Let go.”

  I lean my head forward to take him in my mouth, but he moves me back gently. I take the hint, but I don’t want to stop. I run my hand quickly up and back along his shaft—back and forth, back and forth—until he comes. I pump all of his come into my hand until only a drop is left on his head. I flick the tip before gently kissing his cock clean.

  “Thank you,” he says in a deep sigh.

  I take a breath and stand up in front of him. A storm of feelings thunder inside my chest. Pride and triumph reign against the guilt that I am experiencing this with another man. I’m being unfaithful.

  “Can I… Are you okay if I go and take a shower?” He doesn’t answer, but simply nods, and I take that as my cue. I’m suddenly very self-conscious. I head to the bathroom and wash my hands.

  I look into the mirror, into the reflection of me—well, the new me who apparently likes being spanked. I reach in and turn the shower on. The steam fogs up the mirror, shielding my reflection. Stepping under the spray, my mind lets loose.

  Did he really spank me and then make me come? Did I then fall to my knees and take him in my mouth? Of course I did, and I’d do it again. Hell, I think I’d do a lot more. Would he have fucked me? Why didn’t he? Oh, I want him even now, want his cock buried deep inside me.

  I try to make sense of all the questions in my mind as I let the water from the shower wash over me. I finish my quick rinse-off, and I suddenly feel naughty at the actions that played out in the kitchen.

  I hear a knock at the door. “Come in.” He opens the door but doesn’t come inside.

  “How do you feel, Isabel?” Seb asks quietly.

  “Wonderful.” I walk back over to the bed and sit on the edge, wrapping the bath towel around me. Seb stands motionless at the door. He seems to be deep in thought, which I can understand. I want to be able to relax, but I’m not sure if that’s right. We crossed a line this evening, and it’s going to change the dynamic between us.

  Finally, he speaks. “I’m very pleased to hear that. I have your clothes. It’s getting close to midnight.”

  “Oh… um, okay. I guess that means I need to go.” Unease turns to awkwardness, and a little shard of disappointment hits me as I sit up on the bed. Great! Way to bring a girl back to reality.

  “I’ll leave you to get ready, Izzy.”

  Back to Izzy. Is this how it works?

  “Thanks,” is all I can squeeze out. He leaves me alone, and I take the opportunity to shake myself out of this silly mood. You asked him to show you more. He did. He held your hand and your body, each step, and gave you what you wanted. What did you expect?

  My telling-off brings me to my senses and I get dressed. Remembering how good it was, I allow myself to smile. It feels good to smile. That too, has been missing from my relationship for too long. As I reach for my tights, I wonder whether he’ll allow me to wear them home. I roll up the first leg and pull my foot up. The jewellery still twinkles at me from around my ankle. My smile is instinctive as I reach for the clasp and return it to the box on the dresser. Please let there be more.

  I finish getting dressed and walk out of the room, sure that I’m never going to be the same again. Seb is waiting for me in the lounge.

  “It’s too late tonight, but there is a lot that we should talk about during the week. Okay, Izzy?”

  “Okay.”

  “I need to check how you’re feeling. Are you sore at all?”

  “A little, but in a very good way. Thank you.”

  Seb crosses his arms and considers me for a moment. “Tonight was a test.” I look up, startled. Seb laughs, “Don’t panic. You passed. I needed to be sure that what I thought I saw in you—your submissive nature—really was there. Did you like what we did? Tonight was as much a taster for you as well.” I study my feet and try to swallow the lump in my throat.

  “Yes. It was a… good… experience.”

  Laughter lurks in his voice. “I hope I guided you safely through your first experience. I hope I ‘held your hand’.”

  I glance up and catch his amused expression. I can’t help but grin and nod. He grins back at me from across the room and I walk over to him. He pulls me into a gentle embrace and kisses my head as I wrap my arms around his waist.

  We’re both still for a moment before he releases me and reaches for my hand. He holds it and pulls me towards the door. I can’t measure what happened between us tonight in just the time I’ve spent here. This is a pivotal point for me. My first real understanding of what I’ve only been able to hope for.

  “When you come back, don’t forget the rules.” He delivers his final command in front of the lift.

  “No, I won’t.” I don’t even have to think before I answer. I stare into those beautiful clear eyes. His face is relaxed and calm, but I know now what lies beneath the surface. My earlier awkwardness is forgotten. I immediately want him again. To be here again and put myself in his control. I’ve had a small taste, and now I have a thirst that I’m not sure I’ll be able to quench.

  On the street, Seb pauses before handing me into the waiting taxi. “Remember, what I said earlier,” he murmurs. “You come here of your own free will. It is your choice to submit. I will push you a little more, but I promise to hold your hand through it. I’ll see you at 7:30 p.m. on Friday.”

  I nod and the car door thunks closed and stark reality hits hard. The realisation of what I’ve just done, what I’ve allowed Seb to do to me, engulfs me. I’m a horrible person. Who breaks their marriage vows so easily? I slump back against the seat and close my eyes, the weight of my tears building.

  My body—the body that Sebastian controlled brilliantly—feels utterly sated. The sensation is unfamiliar. It’s been a long time since such physical satisfaction has been mine. I revel in the stunning physical pleasure Sebastian pulled from me with such effortless mastery. Having Sebastian take such care, put himself in this position, for me, heightens the emotions fighting to escape.

  I cry silently to myself all the way home. I flee from the taxi and up to the front door, fumbling with the keys. The pitch black and my watery eyes make it hard to see. I finally get the keys in the lock and open the door. The privacy releases the dam holding back the flood. I sob hard and loud as I stumble up to my bedroom and fall onto the bed. Everything that I wanted, everything that I desired, Seb gave to me. The attention and focus to know my body. But he isn’t my husband. He’s a man I barely know, yet who makes me feel like he’s known my body for years.

  My emotions overwhelm me.

  The ‘more’, the experience of submitting that Phil would never give me, has led me to break my marriage vows. Vows that once upon a time meant everything to me. Am I being selfish? I am a horrible, selfish person who puts my own needs above everyone else.

  Another roll of sobs
breaks through and I bury my head into the pillows as the wonderful feelings of physical contentment collide with the emotional consequences of my actions tonight. I’ll never be satisfied with the status quo again. Seb has ruined me for Phil. I take a few deep breaths to steady myself and hear the front door close downstairs. Phil’s back. Sleep—sleep—sleep. I need to be asleep.

  I turn off the waterworks, suddenly scared of what Phil would say if he found me awake and crying at two in the morning. Game face on, or fall asleep.

  I cuddle myself up into the familiar position and I breathe slowly, focussing on the in and out of my breaths. Sure enough, Phil goes straight to the bathroom for a few minutes before he climbs into bed. The pungent smell of cigarettes doesn’t mask a sickly sweet perfume that clings to him. That’s new. He doesn’t say a word, doesn’t kiss me hello or goodnight, or even question why I’m in bed fully clothed. He does what he always does when he comes home. Goes straight to sleep as if I’m not there. I’m invisible.

  Really? I am tearing myself apart for this man? The final thoughts that calm my mind before my body finally lets me sleep are of Seb, how he guided me from fantasy into reality and held my hand every step of the way. I finally have someone to share in my deepest desires.

  My phone vibrates across the side table. I attempt to open my eyes, but the swelling and soreness from last night’s tears have welded them shut. I try again and grab my phone, determined to silence it for good. It clearly wants to ruin my morning. I’m still in my clothes from last night. Clothes that Seb had me strip out of after he spanked me and gave me the best orgasm of my life! Remembering the events of last night makes my body ache for the sated feeling again, the feeling of Seb and the freedom he awarded me.

  “You’ll be late, Iz!” Phil shouts up at me.

  Phil! Guilt and pain comes back with a jolt. I was so caught up in lust and want for Seb that I forgot about Phil. I roll out of bed, not really wanting to do anything today. My body is weary and I want some space to digest everything in the light of day. I check my phone and see a text from Seb.

  Beautiful, amazing. I’m so proud of you. Thank you. Here’s to Friday. - S

  The words fuzz as my eyes well up again, and I dive for the shower.

  “Coffee’s on the side. I need to run, too. I’ll be late again, so don’t wait up,” Phil tosses at me as I come down to the kitchen. I barely see him as he rushes out, but I’m almost grateful. I sit and stare at the cup of coffee, just sitting there. I let the last few weeks’ events run through my mind: my hopes of sticking my marriage back together with sex; wanting more from it and from Phil; meeting Seb and the light and hope he brought into my life even before last night. I continue to sit. I’ve drunk my coffee, but I don’t attempt to move. My phone buzzing draws me back to the here and now, and I glance at it. My boss.

  Where are you? Mark

  I hadn’t realised how long I’ve sat here. I quickly fire back my response.

  Sorry – not well. Will be in tomorrow. Izzy

  The next text I send is one I should have sent long before now.

  HELP! Are you free? X

  I watch my phone, waiting for Jess to answer my plea and praying that she’s not busy.

  What’s up, hun? You don’t sound good. I’ll pop over. I’m off today. X

  My tension releases as I read her few words. I put the kettle back on, and my mind runs over everything that has happened. Again. I decide I’ll leave some of the Seb details out for now. The mess with Phil is enough for one day. Jess has always been my best friend, and although we don’t talk or see each other every day, we’re always there for each other. Like today.

  “Phil and I are fighting.”

  “Really? I’m sorry, Iz, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.” Jess states.

  “I know you don’t like him, and I’m sorry that I’ve taken so long to wake up to him…”

  “Finally.” She interrupts, clearly happier about this conversation than I thought she’d be.

  “Jess, just let me talk to you, alright.”

  “Okay, hun. Sorry.”

  “I don’t think I can cope with Phil ignoring me any longer. He’s taken me for granted, starved me of any sort of affection and never considered my needs and wishes.” I sip my tea, hoping she won’t see me as giving up. “I asked him to do something for me… in the bedroom. To tie my hands and actually make me feel, give me an orgasm for once. He ignored everything I asked for, as usual, and I think it broke me. It hurts to say these things, even to my best friend. Phil’s rejection hurt. An orgasm wasn’t worth going through another knock-back from Phil, so I got used to being disregarded, accepted it and buried my feelings.”

  “Izzy, why haven’t you told me any of this before? You clearly haven’t just woken up and decided this is how you feel. You should have come to me sooner.”

  She’s right, of course. Although she sounds harsh, more than anything else, she’s upset because I’ve kept her in the dark.

  “I don’t really know… I’m… ashamed my marriage isn’t working. Hasn’t been working for a very long time. After trying to fix things and going from bad to worse, what am I supposed to do?” I hold the mug in my hand as if the lukewarm tea can offer me the answer.

  Hurt, sadness and sympathy fill Jess’s expression. She reaches for my hand. “It’s not my decision, Izzy. This is something you need to work out. But you need someone who is good for you and to you, and even if you are married, leaving your husband isn’t the end of your life. Plenty of people get divorced.” She picks up her tea and drains the remaining liquid.

  I sag at her implication. “Jess, I don’t know. I’ve stuck with him for so long. Being married and a good wife used to mean everything to me. Can I really quit?” The words agitate me, and my fidgeting isn’t enough. I stand and walk around the kitchen, filling the kettle back up as I do. I want to tell her the other part of my confession.

  “I’m saying that now, rather than later, might be an easier option. You’ve been with Phil so long, you probably didn’t even know who you were when you married him. And even I’ve seen him change over the years.” Her voice hardens and she looks away.

  I gape at Jess. She always has this scary ability to look at things in plain light and tell me the honest truth. This is what I would say if the situation were reversed. She doesn’t even know the worst part yet. If I tell her I’ve been unfaithful, will she judge me? She won’t. She’s your rock.

  “There’s more, Jess. I met someone. It wasn’t on purpose. I’d had a shitty day and stopped at a bar for a drink. There was this very handsome guy who came and talked to me, and I completely ran away. He was so intimidating, you know, in that sexy but scary good way, and I couldn’t get him out of my head. I gave a presentation the next day and he was one of the attendees. He left me his card and I emailed ‘Hi’. We hung out, talked, drank together and just clicked. There was a constant undercurrent of attraction, initially just a physical attraction. We both knew it was there but we didn’t act on it.” Jess has all of her attention on me now. “He’s smart and patient and pays me attention. That sounds like such a cliché thing to say, but after so long with no interest from Phil, you can’t imagine how good that made me feel. It was easy to talk to him, to fall into an easy friendship. He understands me. All of me.” For once, Jess seems stunned at my admission. She won’t like what I’m telling her about me having an affair. She’s been on the receiving end herself, but her dislike of Phil might just outweigh her dislike of cheating in this instance.

  “Stop looking at me like that, Izzy. I’m not the one about to break into tears. I’m glad you told me. You shouldn’t have been worrying about all of this. God, Izzy, I’m so mad at you. You shouldn’t go through this alone…” she holds me in a pointed stare… “and keep a better eye on Phil.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I frown and fidget in my seat. Her mouth compresses in a tight line.

  “I’m just saying that he should be paying more atten
tion to his wife.” She stops her words mid-speech and shakes her head. “Look, I have to go, but I don’t want to wait for the divorce papers to come through before I hear from you again. I’m proud of you. I know how much your marriage has meant to you, but I can’t be upset that you’re finally realising what a jerk Phil is.” She stands and puts her cup on the side.

  I suspect I know what she started to say and I want to press her to finish, but Jess is discretion personified. I’ve never been able to pry information out of her she wasn’t ready to give. “I know, Jess. About Phil. He’s been having an affair. I’m not ready to face him with it just yet. Or the divorce question. I…” I can’t finish the sentence because I’m not even sure what I want.

  “Look.” Jess’s tone softens. She knows I’m a moment away from breaking into tears. “You’ve been through a lot, but think about your future. Do you want to be like this in another five years, ten years or when you have children? You’ve never really shared all the details of your relationship, but there is something clearly not right between you and Phil. Now that you’ve admitted it to yourself, and you seem to have met someone that has sparked an interest, perhaps it will help you make a decision you should have made years ago. ” She smiles and walks over to hug me tight.

  “Thank you,” is all I say. I can’t think of anything more.

  After Jess leaves, the house is quiet again. I remember a time, soon after Phil and I were married, when I never would have imagined being unfaithful and was proud to be his wife. That version of Izzy is a far stretch from the girl who has just spent a night of fantasy with a man she isn’t married to. I’ve changed somewhere along the way. I’ve grown up, discovered more about myself and perhaps lost part of me as well. Jess’s comment about not really knowing myself keeps coming back to me, and I think I agree. Is the growing gap between Phil and I justification for what I am doing? Of course not. But does being married to Phil mean I have to be unhappy for the rest of my life? Do I not deserve to have happiness?