Heart

by Paula Hayes

CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Journey from Darkness to Light

  Jacqui ran down the nature strip, oblivious of her red painted toenails smearing in the wet grass, leaving a trail of soggy tissues and cotton balls as they were propelled from her pounding feet. A little girl making mud pies out the front of her yard shouted, “Hello Jacqui, I’m making whoopee pies and those colourful makanoons. Want one?”

  “Not today, my lovely,” said Jacqui flatly without breaking her step.

  “You’re a meanie today,” flashed the child, taking her wares inside to sell her to her mother.

  She was vaguely aware of the bus approaching from behind, she heard the familiar rumble and looked over her shoulder and felt that dreaded familiar flash—the short lived urge to walk out in front of the bus. “It will pass,” she breathed out. But right now, she craved for time to cease and the pain to melt away, her blood tingled at the thought. Its pulsation slowed down in her ears and neck and sped up in her legs, she was shaking with anticipation. This time she would really do it. Turning quickly, she stopped and waited, watching the bus from the side of the road. She was out the front of the house from which the table had been rescued. Anna’s angry face loomed out at her as she saw herself pulling up her jeans in front of the bemused yobs. She had just got carried away, that’s all … she had only wanted to help.

  Jacqui sucked her breath in and pictured herself falling onto the bitumen. JUST DO IT, she chanted to herself, feeling her weight lean forward and her eyes clamp shut. She could hear Anna’s voice whoof in her ears—Stop the dramatics Jacs! She forced herself to stop, open her eyes and look around, half hoping to see Anna sprinting beetroot faced down the footpath. There was no one there. She closed her eyes again and felt her left foot move forward. Alone.

  The rumble of the bus got louder and closer until she could smell … almost taste the diesel fumes in the air. She wasn’t being dramatic … she was finally being truthful with herself. The pain in her heart was too terrible to bear, it was smothering her and poking her and taunting her. Alone … because you are not good enough … not worthy she thought. Please. Oblivion.

  “Yoo Hoo. Hello Lovey.”

  Jacqui opened her eyes and saw that the bus had pulled up next to her. Bev, her favourite bus driver had opened the doors and was talking to her.

  “Are you alright lovey? You look white as a sheet … and you’re still in your jimjams. Are you catching the bus today?”

  Jacqui stared at her blankly for five seconds while her brain recalibrated. Push it all down and smile Jacs. She put her hand to head and felt whoozy, she was going to be sick, her body felt cold but her mind was on fire.

  But she was well practised and produced her best smile as she snapped into action, “Oh Bev, yes, yes I am. I was walking down to the bus stop and—” she looked down at herself. “And I’m not feeling very well. I’m going home.”

  “Home is the best place when you are feeling poorly, you poor lamb.” Even the bus driver cares more for me than my own mother, thought Jacqui miserably although she knew now she was sliding into melodramatics. Soon the true pain in her heart returned, stroking her with a dagger. Anna is right … what is wrong with painting roses anyway? What is wrong with living with her only child? What is wrong with me? This final thought pierced her like a stab to the heart, “I’m not good enough.”

  She sat in her usual seat and fingered her scar. She hated, hated catching the bus. It was full of strange people always wanted to chat to her, hit on her or sneeze on her. She spied Callum, who was sitting in the back seat, wearing a long black overcoat in the vein of Snape meets the Terminator, reading Proust. He whistled to Jacqui. Bev looked in the rear view mirror and frowned.

  One potato, two potato, three potato, four … Action! Jacqui turned and squealed, “Hello Callum, how are you?” pushing herself in false delight while thinking piss off and leave me alone.

  “Long time no see,” said Callum. He swaggered and stumbled between seats as he made his way toward her. Bev scowled and resisted the temptation to brake suddenly.

  “I have been working on a special project with my friends,” she managed a crooked smile.

  “Sounds cool, what is it?”

  “It’s a secret.”

  “Now I really want to know.” Jacqui remained silent.

  “You okay?” he asked as he hitched up his jeans and smoothed his shirt over his burgeoning belly and attempted to button his coat.

  “Yes, I am perfectly marvellous, how about you?”

  “I’m okay. Hey, why don’t you come around for drinks and pizza tonight? Kelsey was just saying this morning she hadn’t seen you round for a while. She would love to see you.”

  “Sounds wonderful,” said Jacqui.

  “See you at six.” Callum got off the bus and looked up at her through the window and asked, “Are you sure you are all right?”

  “I’m peachy, Cals.”

  She waved as the bus drew away and then dug her nails deep into her flesh.

  She found herself getting off at her own bus stop and wandered through the empty cold space of her home. She quickly got changed into clothes, locked up and looked at her watch—it was only five thirty. Jacqui walked over to the Moreton Bay tree and fingered her mother’s loopy writing on an old sign. The noise of a dodgy muffler broke her thoughts. Deepak’s Sportivo! She cocked her head to one side of the massive trunk and saw the maroon car belching its way down the street.

  Without thinking, she scurried up the tree like Lucy the Loris Lemur, the old footholds and knots still there from her childhood. Corinne had called her that as a child as she nimbly made her way up to the top branches. She climbed into the dense foliage over the road and gripped tightly as a small truck whooshed underneath her.

  Thoughts of letting go crowded her mind. Then a random thought struck her. She remembered Leo stuck in his box or tethered to the Grey’s good room. Perhaps her search for eternal peace would fail, she would not become one with the Universe and probably end up as the ghost girl who kept falling out of the tree, severed and splattered by the No Standing Any Time sign. The metallic smell of nail polish and … she sniffed her tee shirt … peanut butter, would forever ominously waft as the breeze tickled the branches and her invisible body smacked into the ground again and again. To be trapped in a perpetual, perpetual motion would be worse then death. Poor Leo … poor Leo … he was stuck. Her heart bled for him but she did not want to be stuck too. Death did not guarantee freedom. Jacqui breathed deeply and closed her eyes. She tried to remember Nina’s soft voice chanting soothingly. Her chanting took on the melody of, ‘The Lord is My Shepherd.’ Wow, I really am a mixed bag of lollies.

  Asato ma sat gamaya Tamaso ma jotirgamaya Mritunma Amiritian Gamaya

  Om shanty, shanti, shanti, hi

  She opened her eyes and watched Dylan and Nina get out of the car as Deepak sped away in a cloud of smoke. Before she could breathe out, Anna, Natalie and Kevin pulled up.

  She sat motionless. If she shimmied down the tree now she would look foolish. They would knock at the door and work out she wasn’t home. They would leave. Please leave, she thought to herself as the Post van sped under her branches. She crept forward carefully and sat within the security of a wide bough pulling her legs up while shivering and watching her friends gesticulate and argue. Snippets of conversation floated up to her. Please leave, she closed her eyes and tried to will them away. Then Kevin made his way to the tree. To be discovered propped up in a fig tree would be even worse than climbing down. GO AWAY, she screamed in her head. Go back to your own families!

  She sat in her nook, with her knees up under her chin and her legs tightly clasped. With her eyes shut tight and her face srewed up, she listened to Natalie’s impassioned speech, looking down on the crown of her head as she hugged the tree. Then Kevin reminisced about her tenth birthday party and that happy memory opened the fl
oodgate to many more for her. Anna started crying and Dylan looked miserable. He was genuinely miserable and without any props, his garish glittering eye had smudged into a muddy patch. He looked like an overwhelmed pirate. “Gosh, he truly is pathetic,” she said fondly under her breath.

  She unfurled her legs and longed to climb back down. A sudden gust almost blasted her down to their feet, forcing her to cling on as it rained down nails. Then they were gone.

  The sudden squall ended and she carefully made her way back down. She breathed in the moist suburban air and arranged her skirt and tucked in her tee shirt just as an evening dog walker nodded perfunctorily at her. Her enthusiastic hello startled him. Jacqui knew she was loved. Her mother loved her and her friends loved her. It was a glorious feeling. She would be okay … for now this was enough.

  She would pop into Kel's and Cal's, explain she couldn’t stay and then make her way back to where she belonged. She wondered if Beth and Blake had chosen a name for Bubba.

  Jacqui checked her watch. It was five forty one. She would be early but that was okay.

  Callum opened the front door, looking very pleased to see her. Music droned out from the stereo and the house had a suspicious smell of stale junk food and something else.

  “Hiya Jacqui, sorry about the mess.”

  “What mess?” she replied lightly as she skipped over a pair of jeans, a broken thong and four scattered take away coffee cups.

  “Can I get you a drink?” asked Cal, as he picked a shrivelled green olive off the front of his shirt.

  “No thanks, I just popped in to tell you I double booked tonight. Mum has an exhibition in the city.”

  “Maybe we will tag along later.”

  “Oh you two would hate it! It’s pretty pink roses and knitted tea cosies. Not your thing at all. Not one skull or bird with an arrow through its head,” she laughed, referring to Kelsey’s older poetry.

  “Kels isn’t in right now.” He looked at his watch. “I’m not expecting her til six,” he looked up and smiled. “Come on, stay for one quick drink while you wait for her. She will be bummed if she misses you.” He gave his shoulders a quick flick and unwittingly released a dandruff snowdrift.

  Callum threw the scattered newspapers off the couch and kicked the pizza boxes underneath it.

  “Well, seeing as though you have gone to so much trouble,” she laughed and sat down.

  Empty beer bottles, wrappers and food scraps littered the room. She longed for the comfort of Natalie’s kitchen. She spotted Kelsey’s writing folder and wondered if she had written another poem. Kelsey wouldn’t mind her sneaking a peek in the dossier. The poems were breathtakingly beautiful yet incredibly depressing. Someone always got hurt and she seemed particularly good at recounting hallucinations. She picked the folder up and hesitated. No, she was feeling good and didn’t want to read about a drowned lover or three-legged pig or whatever it was this time. She put the folder down and its contents scattered to the floor. She picked the pages up and discovered flight details belonging to Kelsey. Kelsey was in Port Hedland. She must be visiting her brother and would not be walking through that door any minute now. She was not due back until Monday. Jacqui felt her blood run cold. She had slept on this couch half a dozen times but Kelsey was always in the house. Kelsey usually slept on the other couch as they dozed in front of the television together, talking arty farty bollocks.

  Jacqui felt slightly panicky and wondered what this all meant. She stood up and quietly tried the front door. It had been dead bolted. Never mind, she thought to herself as she struggled to keep calm. The key should be hanging on a hook under the front room curtain. It was not there.

  She could hear Callum washing up dirty glasses. Past the kitchen was the back door. She walked into the kitchen and tried to look calm.

  “So tell me about your secret project.” Callum was picking dehydrated lettuce off a glass.

  “Ahh, yes,” she replied.

  “Go on.”

  “It’s an historical project. My friend Anna unearthed some fascinating family archives regarding a First World War soldier. Gripping stuff, very moving too.”

  I wish Leo could apperate here and smash a glass over your head.

  “I love history. You know I am a Trotskyite?”

  Of course you are you weirdo, she thought. Goodness, Anna’s voice just popped into my head … in a good way! Jacqui almost smiled.

  She thought of Dylan too. “My friend Dylan is intrigued by your nose ring and wonders how painful the piercing was?”

  Callum looked up from the sudsy water and laughed. He took the ring out. It was not real.

  “It’s a fake,” he said.

  “How interesting,” Jacqui replied. And you’re a faker she thought to herself. She studied his face under the cold flickering fluorescent kitchen light. He appeared older than she remembered. There were deep wrinkly grooves under his eyes and his chin stubble had flecks of white through it. She had never looked closely at him before. She had been caught up in Kelsey’s bleak metaphors and blinded by the impressive fact that entry into adult nightlife was made a lot of easier in the presence of a man built like a brick shithouse than a skinny braced boy and an angry little pixie. She had been in such a rush … but now she wondered why. She remembered the night she had left Anna and Dylan behind … and for what … ten minutes of mindblowing pain and a headache as her skull bumped the headboard again and again. It was time to leave right now.

  “I think I left some socks here last time. I’ll go and have a look in the laundry.”

  She could see the large antique key in the back door. She moved casually to the back of the house but Callum overtook her like a snuffling truffle pig.

  “Here, let me help you look for them. It’s a disgusting mess back there.”

  Suddenly he was in front of her and his bulky figure blocked the back door.

  “Kelsey is being a bit tardy today, it’s six fifteen. I had better get going. I might come back later. Thanks for the drink Cals but I must dash.”

  “Oh Kelsey just texted, she said she would be here in five mins. Surely you can wait five minutes.”

  Jacqui started to walk backwards down the passage to the front door. Callum walked towards her.

  “Why don’t you stay?”

  “No I really have to go now, do you mind unlocking the door?”

  “You don’t want to make Kelsey sad do you?” Callum tipped his head to one side in a lame attempt to look coy and cute. She stared at him speechless.

  “You don’t want to make Callum angry do you?” he grunted. She could almost see Dylan’s face scrunching up in disgust as Callum referred to himself in the third person. Almost. She wanted to shout, “Unlock the door, you don’t want to make Jacqui hysterical, do you?” but the words failed to form.

  Jacqui was silent as her head shook in disbelief. She had got this situation horribly wrong. The pretence was over.

  “Come on you stupid bitch. You are here all the time, sleeping on my couch and drinking all my booze. Do you think I let you stay for your scintillating conversation? Oh peeps, isn’t everything perfectly marvellous. Anyone for Maccas, my shout peeps,” he mimicked her voice in an exaggerated slur. He laughed at his own impersonation and then was silent. “Come on, you know you want it.”

  He began unzipping his jean’s fly. Jacqui felt the air in her lungs evaporate. Dylan passed through her mind. Sheer terror and then fury passed through her body. It moved its way up to her mouth and she let out the most terrifying shrillest loudest scream she could muster. Her throat ached and her eyes popped but she would not be silenced. She reached for her mobile and fumbled with it … she couldn’t get it to respond. The useless foggy void descended and left her fingers frozen. Callum knocked the mobile out of her hand and tried to grab at her but like a cat, she slid out of his way. She drew breath and screamed aga
in throwing herself at the front window. The force of her hysteria knocked the dusty drapes and the curtain rod off the wall brackets. Callum pounced on her from behind and dragged her away from the glass and onto the floor. Just as her head hit the cold floorboards she thought she saw Dylan and Arun standing by the front door. I really am going crazy, she thought. She drew in breath and screamed for help again. Callum was on top of her now and Jacqui watched in slow motion as his hand came toward her mouth. He slapped her across the face and they both were shocked into silence.

  There was a tremendous rap at the door. Callum looked more terrified now than Jacqui. A deep masculine voice penetrated the walls, reverberating off the exposed window.

  “POLICE, OPEN UP! A disturbance has been reported and we need to know everything is ok. Open up now or we will break the door DOWN.”

  Callum jumped up, attempted to zip up and bolted for the back door, he fumbled with the key and was gone. The door was ajar and the cool night air hit her swollen face. She scrambled to her feet and started to run down the passage. A skinny purple haired boy was waiting for her in the darkened doorway with fluro pink randomly flashing from his feet.

  “Dylan, oh Dylan. Thank you, that was your best performance ever. Now let’s get out of here. Callum is a maniac.”

  “It’s ok, the cavalry is here,” Dylan walked her round the backyard and up to the driveway to show her the scenario unfolding on the front lawn.

  Arun had Callum in a headlock. He wrestled him to the ground and then sat on his chest. Deepak sat on his legs. Kevin called the cops. Nina made very rude remarks in loud and angry Bengali regarding Callum and his appendage.

  “Shayton, Badmash!”

  Breathless, Arun and Deepak laughed uncontrollably. “You go Mum!” cried Deepak.

  Natalie became concerned that Arun’s weight would kill Callum. She said she had not put on twenty-five kilos for nothing and that it was her turn to provide the ballast. She helped Arun to his feet. If he sat on him for any longer he would be dead and then they would really be in trouble for being vigilantes. As Arun hauled himself off a very pale and silent Callum, the police pulled into the driveway.

  Anna stood in the front yard pale faced; the blue flashing light of the police car cast her in and out of sight. Dylan held onto Jacqui as she limped towards Anna. Anna burst into tears and ran towards the staggering pair.

  “I’m so sorry,” gasped Anna.

  “I am so sorry too.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for, you nearly got—I would never have forgiven myself, it would have haunted me always … I harassed you out of the house, I hadn’t even noticed how unhappy you truly were. I’m a terrible, terrible friend,” Anna sobbed loudly.

  Jacqui put her arms around her and buried her face into her shoulder. Her heart was bursting with love.