“I love you, Callyn. I know I’m probably not supposed to say that with all that you’re thinking about, but I needed to say it. I love you, so much.” I felt her lips on the top of my head and I wanted to cry again.
I did love her. I did. I just didn’t know how much or in what way. Instead of running on that hamster wheel of thoughts again, I raised my head and kissed her.
“Fuck me again, please.”
MUCH MUCH LATER, I woke up completely naked in Emma’s bed. Fortunately, she was right next to me, so I was able to remember why I was naked and why I was in her bed. Right. The sex. We’d had the sex again. Twice in twenty-four hours. That was a record for me. I’d never had a sexual relationship like this before. All other encounters seemed like pale practice for what I did with Emma. What we had was on a whole other level of sex.
I needed to think about what was beyond the sex. Sure, that was fun and great and lovely and wonderful, but was it just sex? Clearly I had sexual feelings for her. That had been made clear by this second time and the fact that I wanted to wake her up and fuck her again and again until we both passed out from too much sex.
Okay, so I had that one figured out. I wanted to have sex with her. All the time, any time that I could. Forever.
I looked at her face in the glow of the still-lit salt lamps. The candles had burned themselves out long ago. It was that amorphous time between night and day, that gray in-between where everything seemed strange and unsure.
I watched Emma sleep, wondering what she was dreaming about. Was she dreaming about me? I hoped she was. I hoped she was thinking about what we’d done tonight and the night before and how she was finally getting what she wanted with me. Not all of it, though. I knew what she wanted. She wanted everything.
Was I ready to give her everything? I heard whining and went to the door to let Vegas in. I picked him up and put him on the bed, hoping he wouldn’t wake Emma. He looked at her and seemed to realize that he should be quiet, so he put his head on his paws between us and I curled myself around him and stared at them both.
Here was my world. These two. In the past few months, everything had changed for me. I was living with my best friend, we were married on paper, we’d gotten a puppy, I’d gotten a new job, and now . . .
Now?
I let myself, just for a moment, picture a future with Emma. Instead of thinking of a wedding with someone else, with another person where Emma would stand next to me as my maid of honor, I thought about a wedding with her standing beside me. As my wife.
I thought about Christmas together, about buying a house together, doing life together. With Vegas and then maybe with kids. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted them, but I went ahead and thought about it. Watching Emma teach them to ride bikes and swim in a pool. Wrapping presents from Santa and hoping they wouldn’t wake up and catch us. Instead of stopping myself from seeing it, I let myself see it all in excruciating detail. I thought about waking up next to her ten years down the road, twenty, thirty, more. What would she look like as she aged? Of course, she would always be the most beautiful person I’d ever seen. That would never change.
What would that life be like? I had never expected it, never planned it, but here it was, in front of me for the taking. I could have all of those things if I just let myself have them.
It would be good. It would be wonderful. It would be more than I ever expected or could have imagined for myself. It would be more than I deserved, that was for sure.
I was scared too. Scared shitless. What if we tried this thing and it didn't work? I could understand why Emma had hesitated for so long. Because what was done couldn’t be undone. If we didn’t work out together, our friendship would be over. I didn’t think I could be friends with someone I was once in love with. Breaking up with her would break me. I would never recover from that. It could all go wrong, it could all go bad.
But what if it went right? said a little voice in my head. What if we worked out? What if we looked back at this time and laughed about how foolish we were for so many years? What if we spent the rest of our lives together and lived happily ever after? Did such fairytales exist? Could they exist for us?
I didn’t know the answer, but I did know one thing with clarity as I watched Emma and Vegas sleep: I wanted to give it a shot. I wanted to try. I wanted to see where this would go. The regret of “what if?” would kill me more than trying and then not having things work out. Regret would be worse than failure.
I also thought about other things as the light changed in the room and my eyes got heavier as exhaustion tried to take me under to sleep.
Maybe I could go to grad school. Maybe I could figure out what I really wanted to do with my life, with my time. I’d always just kind of bumbled around, but my parents had always been there, telling me what I could do and what I couldn’t do and basically stomping on any kind of ambition I ever had. They gave all their support and attention to Dani, and it was like they didn’t have enough left over for me. I still loved them, of course, but they hadn’t been the parents I had needed them to be and I was going to be seeing the consequences of that for years to come, probably for my whole life. I should probably get myself into a therapist’s office again to work some more of this shit out.
I’d always shied away from discussing my parents in therapy and that might have been a mistake. I was so tired of being scared and hesitant about things. It wasn’t like me at all. I always wanted to do everything, right now. I would make a decision and then want to go full-throttle. Strange how I was hesitating with this whole Emma situation. This was one of the only times I hadn’t just closed my eyes and jumped off the cliff.
I rested my head on the pillow that still smelled faintly of sweat and sex and closed my eyes finally. I didn’t know what was going to happen when I woke up.
Thirteen
“Nope, not doing it,” I said, when Emma’s alarm rang a few hours later. I could do one night without sleep, but not two. It just wasn’t going to happen. This was my second-to-last day and I was calling out sick. I’d have to go in the next day to clean out my desk and get my shit from the kitchen, so I was going to spend today sleeping.
“How did Vegas get in here?” A sleepy voice next to me asked. I turned my head to find a rumpled Emma blinking at me. Vegas was still here and he yawned and stretched before bounding all over the bed and licking both of our faces.
“I taught him how to open doors,” I said, through a yawn. I felt like complete and utter shit. I did not want to be awake right now, but I’d needed that time last night to work through my shit and think about my future and what I wanted it to look like.
“Did you get up and let him in? We really shouldn’t let him sleep in our bed,” she said, but she was smiling as she scratched his ears.
“You know that you’re going to lose that battle, Em.” The blankets slid down and revealed her incredible boobs and I had to catch my breath. If I decided I wanted to be with her, I’d get to see her boobs. All the time. Every day.
“You’re staring,” she said, putting her finger under my chin and raising my chin.
“I can’t help it. I’ve never seen your boobs this early in the morning.” I’d never gotten to see Emma naked this early in the morning. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
“Okay, let’s do it,” I said, opening them.
“Do what?” Emma said, looking up from playing with Vegas.
“Let’s be together.” She seemed confused for a second.
“Do you love me?”
“I think so,” I said, and instead of being overjoyed, she frowned.
“That’s not good enough. I only want to be with you if you know you want to be with me, beyond a doubt. I won’t accept anything less.” I opened my mouth to argue with her, but then I shut it with a snap. She was right. I couldn’t do this halfway. When the hell had I done anything halfway? Now wasn’t the time to start, and definitely not when it came to love.
“Okay. I’ll let you know when I
know for sure. But until then, can we keep doing this?” She turned on her side and smiled.
“Can you be more specific?”
“This,” I said, kissing her. “This.” I squeezed one of her boobs and she yelped. “This.” I stroked her between her legs and she made another noise altogether. “All of this.” I stroked her again and she pushed into my hand. I was definitely awake now. Funny how sex could do that.
“I need to go to class,” she said, but she wasn’t stopping me at all.
“I mean, I haven’t slept in two days and I’m definitely calling out of work. Speaking of that,” I grabbed my phone, which had been charging on the nightstand and sent out a text to anyone who needed to know at my job that I wouldn’t be in. I was sure Maggie would be upset that she couldn’t soak up more of my wisdom, but that enthusiasm was going to get sucked out of her in four to six months, guaranteed. Poor thing. So young, so un-jaded.
I kept up my work on Emma with my other hand and she writhed and whined until I was done with the text and could really go for it. I had to push Vegas off the bed because it was weird having a puppy watching me finger fuck Emma. He cocked his head sideways and I wanted to tell him to look away. I ducked under the covers and started going down on her with my mouth. It got pretty hot under there pretty fast, but it didn’t matter. I was going to make her come hard. She wasn’t the only one who owed someone else orgasms.
This time I didn’t try and draw it out. I went right for the kill, making sure I gave her entire clit and labia and entrance all of my attention while playing with my fingers, dipping them in and out in a teasing way before pushing inside and stroking the spot I knew would make her come, and come hard.
She did, shattering apart with a shout and I didn’t wait for things to calm down before I stuck my head out and gulped on fresh air.
“Remind me not to do that again. I couldn’t breathe. Totally worth it, though.” I grabbed some tissues and wiped my mouth. We were going to have to keep extra face wipes around for moments like these.
“You didn’t have to not breathe. You could have poked your head out.” Her skin had a soft glow and her smile was radiant. Fuck, she was beautiful. It was such a relief to let myself have those thoughts. I think I’d ben subconsciously stopping them for years, and now the floodgates were open.
“Meh, breathing is secondary to getting you off.” She sighed happily and stretched her arms over her head.
“Yeah, I could definitely get used to this.”
I loved the look on her face. I wanted to give her that look every single day. She sighed and then dove at me.
“What the hell, Em?”
“Your turn,” she said, and then I was on my back and she was crawling between my legs and I was getting pleasured so quick and so hard that I came in about thirty seconds.
“Oops. I meant for that to last longer,” she said.
“No worries. We can always try again later. Practice makes orgasms.” She laughed as my phone buzzed with a text from my supervisor. I could feel her irritation, but what could she do? Not a whole lot, I was done tomorrow. I’d get to have a whole weekend with Emma and then I’d be starting my new job on Monday. It was going to be great.
“Stay home with me,” I said, throwing myself on her dramatically. “Stay home with me and Vegas.” She bit her lip and looked at her phone.
“I don’t know, I have a lot of work to do and I don’t want to miss class.” I could feel her caving, so I looked up and did my best attempt at a pout.
“Please?” I said. She huffed out a breath and scrolled through her phone.
“I just . . . I shouldn’t.”
“But you should,” I said, taking her phone away and holding it out of her reach.
“Hey!”
“Phone away. No class. Only home.” I gave the phone back and she glared at me.
“You’re a bad influence.”
“You’re just figuring this out now?” I said. “I haven’t been doing a very good job then.”
She laughed and shook her head.
“You’re ridiculous, and I love you.” She hadn’t been so free in saying it, but I guess she figured we’d crossed that bridge.
“I think I love you back,” I said, and then cringed. “That sounded better in my head, sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. Just say it when you mean it. When you really mean it.” She stroked my hair and I leaned into her hand. Yeah, I could really get used to this.
FIGURING WE SHOULD probably leave the apartment, we decided to go out for brunch, but we couldn’t bring Vegas, so we left him in the bathroom with plenty of toys and food and water.
“We’ll be back soon,” I said to the saddest puppy ever. He knew something was going on. He was so smart.
“I feel horrible,” I said to Emma, as we left the apartment.
“He’ll be fine. He’ll probably be sleeping in like five minutes and won’t even remember that we left. And when we get back, he’ll be so overjoyed that it won’t even matter.” She did have a point, but I still felt bad. My bad feeling was wiped away by the shock of Emma taking my hand.
“Oh,” I said, as I twisted my fingers with hers, as if I’d done this every day for years. “This is new.”
“It is. Do you like it?” I looked down at our hands. I couldn’t tell whose fingers were mine for a second.
“I’ll let you know,” I said and swung our hands together like we were little kids.
Emma squeezed my hand and I squeezed hers back.
WE CHOSE A FANCIER brunch spot, but one that we didn’t feel completely out of place in. We both got lobster benedicts along with fresh-squeezed juice and coffee.
“I’m still recovering from my caffeine overload, so I’m going to be good,” I said. I had the feeling I was going to crash later and need a nap if we were going to spend a third night staying up late and fucking.
“To us,” Emma said, holding up her juice glass.
“To us,” I said, tapping my glass against hers. I couldn’t resist dessert, so we ordered a piece of triple-chocolate cake to share, and I had to fight her to get bites with more frosting on them.
“I need it,” I said by way of reasoning.
“You need more frosting?” she asked, dubious.
“Yes, I need it. For my . . . skin. It’s good for the skin.” Emma snorted.
“You are completely pulling that out of your ass, but I’ll allow it.”
“Thanks, wife,” I said, and she started a little at the word. We hadn’t talked about that particular facet of our relationship.
“We are married, aren’t we?” she said, poking at a few crumbs left on the plate.
“Yeah, we are. We got drunk and that one night changed everything.” It had been the catalyst to where we were today.
“It did.” She wouldn’t look me in the eyes.
“Do you think, maybe, that your subconscious pushed you toward it because you were in love with me?” It was something I hadn’t really thought of until now, but maybe I should have.
“No, definitely not,” she said too quickly. “You can have the last bite.” Her smile was tight and brief. I knew that smile. It was her fake smile. Her “I’m fine” smile.
“Definitely not,” I echoed, and she looked up at me.
“I didn’t plan to get drunk and married in Vegas. Why would I do that?” Things had gone from lighthearted to intense and this wasn’t what I wanted for today.
“We don't have to talk about it,” I said. “Let’s just forget about it.” I ate the last bite of cake and our waiter brought the check. Emma snatched it before I could even try and reach for it.
“I’ve got this,” she said, sliding her card into the little slot and setting it upright on the table.
Things between us were weird and she didn’t take my hand when we left the restaurant, so I did it for her.
“Hey, I wasn’t accusing you of anything. I was just asking a question. That’s it.” I made her stop walking and face me.
“How did you see it going?” She looked down and tried to hide a smile while her cheeks turned pink with a blush.
“Do you really want to know?”
“Hell yes I want to know.” She started walking again, dragging me along with her into the park.
“Okay, well, it’s kind of silly. So, I imagined you looking at me one day and realizing you had been madly in love with me our whole lives.” Her grip on my hand was tight, but I let it happen. I wanted to hear this story and didn’t want to distract her from telling it in any way.
“This is all just a fantasy. I didn’t really think it would happen that way,” she said quickly.
“It’s okay, I’m not going to mock you or think it’s ridiculous. Just tell me.” I wanted desperately to know what her vision of the future might have been if I hadn’t screwed it up by being so oblivious.
“Well, after you made a grand declaration of love, we would have tried to date like regular people, but it wouldn’t have worked because we knew we were right for each other. I was going to surprise you with a proposal, but you would have also been trying to surprise me, and so we would have accidentally planned to propose on the same day. Of course, all our friends would have known and would have ensured that it went that way. There would be video and lots of pictures and tears involved. We both would have said yes, and then set a wedding date for not long after, because we couldn’t wait. You would have moved in with me in the meantime and we’d be so happy that all our friends would be completely and totally disgusted and sickened by us. And then we’d get married, maybe on a beach, or in park, or on a mountain. I’d pictured it a dozen different ways.” We stopped walking as we reached an empty bench and we both sat down. People buzzed and talked and walked and ran and carried on around us, but I was completely and totally focused on Emma and the future she was painting.
Didn't Stay in Vegas Page 17
