“Take me back upstairs and make me forget.”
My gut clenched at her words. Even though I was being asked to make her forget what she lost, my body started humming in anticipation of once again sinking into her warm heat. When I was inside her everything else melted away. That was the only time there wasn’t anything in the world but the two of us.
I stood, stacked our plates on top of each other, picked them up in one hand, then held out my other one to her. She grabbed our empty glasses, stood and took my hand. It was one of the best feelings in the world holding her hand in mine. We left the room and this time both of us managed to not look back.
~***~
Chapter 12
Nothing is so difficult as not deceiving oneself.
~Ludwig Wittgenstein~
Eagle
December 4th, 1998
I sat sipping my beer as I watched some of the others standing around the cart that held Zane’s birthday cake. Audrey had planned a surprise birthday party for him since this would be the only one she would ever get to share with him. I didn’t know how the fuck Boomer, Slade, Cas and Zane were managing to put one foot in front of the other every day. I know it had to be tearing them up knowing the woman they all loved didn’t have much time left in this world.
Even though Audrey looked tiny and fragile, she was front and center in the middle of the group around the cake. She had her head thrown back in laughter. That hit home. She was dealing with the knowledge that she would be gone soon leaving all her loved ones behind, and here I sat crying in my beer over the fact that a woman didn’t pick me.
I shook my head thinking about that fact. I sighed heavily. Humans were selfish creatures. We tended to think of ourselves first. I know I had lately. That was life. We all felt we had to live it for ourselves. It wasn’t always pretty, unfortunately, and we had to learn to deal with the bad so that the good was even better.
I heard the mic turn on and Clair started speaking into it. Soon she and Zane were reading what had been written on his birthday cake.
At hearing Clair’s first line in her sexy voice, I noticed every man straightened up. Listening to Zane growl his response had the women mimicking the men. As Clair told Zane she needed him to do it harder, damned if that didn’t bring visions to a man’s head. Both of them. As their skit progressed, my damn dick started throbbing in my jeans.
Apparently, I wasn’t the only one affected, every one of the men at the table were shifting around uncomfortable.
Hearing Clair wail, “Yes, yes, yes, just like that,” almost did me in.
Thank fuck I wasn’t the only man who groaned listening to her. When she screamed out like she had just orgasmed, I almost creamed my pants. She fucking sounded just like that when she came too. I watched as Skye pushed the cake toward the dining room followed by some of the others. I had to grin when Zane grabbed Clair’s hand and hit the girls’ hallway.
I know every man sitting in the room was turned on as fuck, including me. I stood up fast and started toward the upstairs hallway, as I passed Ree I grabbed her hand and dragged her behind me. All I could think as we both took the stairs two at a time was sorry fuckers, you snooze, you lose. As soon as Ree and I were in my room, clothes disappeared fast and we were all over each other. Damned if I didn’t enjoy Zane’s birthday party pretty damn good myself.
~*~
Bane
Hell, listening to Clair and Zane had turned me the fuck on. I shifted restlessly the whole time they were reading their lines off his birthday cake. I noticed all the other men around the room seemed to be having the same damn problem I was having. I reached down to adjust my cock only to encounter Kenzie’s hand. She had her fingers dug into my thigh. How the hell I hadn’t felt that I have no clue.
Wincing, I moved my dick around. Hearing Clair say harder, harder, caused Kenz to dig her fingers even deeper into my leg. I looked at her face to see her mouth was open slightly and she was panting.
Holy. Shit.
She was as fucking turned on as I was. The more they read, both of our breaths became more ragged. Kenzie turned her head and stared into my eyes. I could see the lust and passion in hers and it was directed at me.
She fucking wanted me this time.
Not Eagle.
Me.
As Claire cried out yes, yes, yes, Kenzie reached up, grabbed my cock and squeezed. I almost shot my load right there, I was that damn turned on. By the time Clair screamed her release, Kenzie’s eyes were glazed with desire. I vaguely noticed that Eagle had stood and left. Kenzie jumped up, grabbed my hand and started dragging me behind her, not that I protested the least little bit. I knew Eagle couldn’t be far in front of us. I was praying that wouldn’t stop Kenzie’s need. When we hit the hall, Eagle’s door was closing. Kenz acted like she hadn’t seen it at all.
By the time I got mine open, she was already tearing her clothes off. I wasn’t far behind her. I barely got a condom on before she jumped on me. Clutching her ass in my hands, I turned until I could press her against the door and started fucking her as hard as I could. Hearing her gasping cries of more made me swell up bigger than I think I have ever been.
What finally caused me to lose my load was hearing her yell my name as she came. That was the first time she had done that in all the months we had been together. I wasn’t sure there was a better sound in the world than hearing my name on Kenzie’s lips as she came.
~*~
Eagle
December 11th, 1998
Once again, I was watching another Brother claim his woman. This time Cas was claiming Sophie. The pain was still there, although I thought it might not be quite as acute as it had been. I had managed to keep sitting at my regular table with the guys. I’d even been able to talk and laugh with them.
It was rare that Bane was here without Kenzie. During the week, I think he was staying at her place because he sure wasn’t here. The weekends, however, they stayed at the Clubhouse.
I found it ironic as hell that now I was the one who talked and laughed and Bane would sit quietly not saying much. I caught myself studying his expression at times. When he looked at Kenzie, I could see love for her there, yet, at times, I thought I saw longing on his face, a longing for what I couldn’t figure out. Hell, the man had the girl, what else did he want?
I’d noticed that when Kenzie looked at me now, that look of wanting wasn’t on her face like it had been. Now when she looked at me, her expression showed a sad acceptance. I think at times, the look on my face probably mirrored hers.
Finally, it was sinking in that the girl would never be mine. It was a hard pill to swallow, but I was giving it my best shot.
As I took a drink of beer, I saw Kenzie get up and head toward the dining room. Before she got to the entrance, she turned into the officers' hallway. The thought ran through my mind that she probably needed something from Bane’s room.
Sucking the bottom out of my bottle, I got up to go grab me another one. About the time I got even with the hallway, I decided I needed to take a piss first. As I got almost even with the women’s restroom door, it opened, and Kenzie flew out and bumped into me hard. She started to fly backwards and I reached out and grabbed her.
I groaned.
She gasped.
Dammit. I could still feel sparks when I touched her.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I wasn’t watching where I was going,” she cried out.
“It’s alright, Kenzie. I was walking too close to the wall,” I struggled to keep my voice even.
God, I was never going to fucking get over this woman. I knew it. I hadn’t touched her since July and one innocent touch had my body on fire with a burning need.
We stood there and stared at each other. I saw tears come to her eyes and slowly fall down her face.
“I’m so sorry for hurting you, Eagle,” she murmured huskily. “I hope someday you can forgive me. I would give anything if I could relive that day.”
“Why, Kenzie?” I asked hoa
rsely. “Why would you want to relive it?”
“Because sometimes I wish I would have chosen you,” she whispered, then a sob ripped from her body.
Her eyes showed heartache, then they opened wide with what looked like a dawning awareness of something. While I didn’t understand what her second look was about, I knew mine had to show the heartache hers did.
“I would have loved that, Kenzie. Only we can’t go back and you’re Bane’s now. You’ll never be mine. Never,” my voice fell to a ragged whisper.
I closed my eyes and dropped my head. I couldn’t look at her anymore or I would do something even worse than Bane had done. I would take his woman in my arms, carry her upstairs, and make her mine.
I could hear her move away from me. She was still crying. I heard the pounding of feet as they ran up the stairs. It took everything I had in me to stay where I was because I wanted to follow her so bad that I physically ached with it.
I took a deep breath then another. Finally, I was able to open my eyes. It took everything I had inside me to put one foot in front of the other. I’d always heard that the last mile was always the hardest. Well, I’m here to tell you that’s not true. The fifteen feet I had to walk down the hall toward the restroom and away from the woman I wanted more than anything was the hardest I’d ever had to transverse.
Especially when my heart was traveling in the opposite direction.
~*~
Bane
After Kenzie got up to use the restroom, I watched Eagle get up and head toward the bar. He paused a moment like he was trying to make a decision then he turned and walked down the hallway toward the stairs and restrooms. Without consciously deciding to do it, I followed their path. I walked over to the corner of the Great Room between the hallway and the dining room entrance. The lights in the Great Room had already been dimmed so the corner was almost dark.
I watched as Eagle walked toward the men’s restroom. Suddenly, the women’s restroom door opened and Kenzie strode out, running into Eagle. She bounced off him so hard I thought she was going to fall down. Eagle reached and grabbed her quickly before she fell. I saw both of them jerk like they had been shocked and their eyes flew to the others.
I listened to them talk and I heard the pain in each other’s voices. I groaned when I heard what Kenzie said.
“Because sometimes I wish I would have chosen you.”
Why words that I already knew to be true hurt so bad I couldn’t understand. I wasn’t hearing anything new. I knew she loved him. She had told me she did. After watching them together, I realized she was never going to love me, that was what hurt the most. Knowing she would never love me like she did him.
I had no one to blame, no one. She didn’t ask me to fall in love with her. She never lied to me about anything. She had been nothing but truthful. All my pain was on me. Just as it should be. It was my penance to pay. Sadly, I’d keep paying it every day because it wasn’t in me to walk away. Not now.
I watched as she ran up the stairs and Eagle walked like an old man to the restroom. I’d done this. I’d destroyed the lives of two people. One who I had loved my entire life. The other who I loved beyond reason.
Now I knew what hell was like. It was watching the woman you loved, love someone else.
~*~
Kenzie
I left the table to go to the restroom. Watching Cas give Sophie his property cut had left me reeling. I couldn’t believe what I was feeling. I was jealous of her. I wanted that. Only I didn’t want it with who I had thought I’d wanted it from for all these months. I wanted to wear Bane’s property cut. I wanted him to claim me as his own. That thought stunned me.
I’d known as time had passed that I had been thinking more and more about Bane and less about Eagle. I’d put it off thinking it was because of how much time Bane and I spent together. He was practically living with me. He was there every night when I went to bed and there every morning when I woke up. He’d get up and start coffee before he left for work. He always came in and gave me a kiss before he finally left.
I’d come to look forward to those kisses. It slowly dawned on me that I didn’t wake up at night wanting Eagle anymore. I woke up wanting Bane. I wanted Bane. I wanted him to claim me. I wanted to be his in every way possible. I even wanted to be his wife. My eyes flew to the restroom mirror as shock hit me. I stared into my eyes and saw the truth that was in front of me. I was in love with Bane. I didn’t want Eagle. I wanted Bane. I didn’t love Eagle. I loved Bane.
I left the restroom not paying attention where I was going and ran headfirst into Eagle.
I heard him groan. I think I might have hurt him when I hit him.
I gasped from the force of hitting him.
I cried out my apology to him. I hadn’t been watching where I was going, my head was focused on what I had just figured out. I was in denial, in shock. How had I let this happen? I told myself I wouldn’t be swallowed by a man. Oh, god. What was I going to do?
Eagle’s words entered into the jumble that was my thoughts. I raised my eyes and stared at him. I felt so much regret for hurting this man the way I had. Tears started falling down my face as I realized, I’d not only hurt Eagle, I’d hurt Bane as well.
The only option I’d given him was to be in a relationship with a woman who told him she didn’t think she would ever care for him. I had to apologize to one man and think of what I was going to do about the other. I was so afraid of letting Bane know how I felt. I was terrified once I did that I’d lose me and be consumed by him.
“I’m so sorry for hurting you, Eagle,” I murmured huskily. “I hope someday you can forgive me. I would give anything if I could relive that day.”
“Why Kenzie,” he asked, his voice sounded hoarse. “Why would you want to relive it?”
“Because sometimes I wish I would have chosen you,” I heard myself whisper, then a sob ripped from her body as I realized I’d told Eagle a lie.
I’m sure my eyes showed heartache for the lie I had just told. I couldn’t believe I was still hurting this man with the things I said. That thought no more ran through my mind when my eyes widened in disbelief with the awareness of what I really knew to be true.
I didn’t wish at all that I’d chosen Eagle. Instead I was running scared. Eagle had made me feel an incredible lust when I first kissed him. Bane’s kiss had made me feel emotions. Feelings that had frightened me. I’d forced them away, refusing to let myself even think of them. I’d let myself think the passion Eagle made me feel was what I was running from when actually, without knowing it, I was running to the emotion that Bane made me feel.
It had always been Bane, I hadn’t let myself even think about that, instead I focused everything on Eagle.
I heard Eagle’s response to my apology and felt shame. I had let this man think that I wanted him when what I had been doing was running scared from my feelings for Bane, forcing myself to concentrate on Eagle to the point that I had hurt Bane.
My tears turned into sobs as I raced past Eagle and up the stairs. I was in no shape to go back to the party. I needed time alone so I headed to Bane’s room. A place I knew that was safe. A place that I wished he was so I could crawl into his arms. A place I could be with the man I loved.
~***~
Chapter 13
Problems, weaknesses, setbacks, regrets and mistakes teach you if you’re willing to learn, or they punish you if you’re not.
~Ralph Marston~
Eagle
December 25th, 1998
It was Christmas and the club girls had a field day in the Great Room. I swear elves had vomited everywhere. I don’t think there was a spot they missed. There were decorations all over the fucking place. Hell, even the pool tables had garlands hanging off them. Who does that to a pool table? Seriously. I bet they are cringing in shame. Let me tell you something, that shit clings to your jeans when you’re trying to take a shot.
The women and kids all seemed to love it. The men not so much. I looked around the
room and saw people going over to the Prez’s table. It seemed like everyone was stopping by to talk to Audrey. I grimaced. I’d stopped by and spoke to her earlier.
Everybody wanted to say their goodbyes without actually saying that to her. We all knew she didn’t have much longer. As it was, I think everyone was surprised she was still with us. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone in my life as fragile looking as she looked. It physically hurt your heart to gaze at her.
“What the fuck were they thinking putting that crap on the pool tables?” Brute muttered startling me out of my thoughts as he pulled little bits of tinsel off his pants.
I laughed. “I was just thinking the poor tables were probably cringing in shame,” I commented as I looked over at him and grinned.
Laughter rang out at what I had said.
“Well, if I was a pool table I would have tried to hide from the women,” Nickel piped up from the pool table beside us. “Huh, never thought those words would ever come out of my mouth. Pretty sure my ass would never hide from any of our girls. They can roll me up in that shit if they want to.”
Laughter rang out from those of us who heard Nickel. That boy was seriously girl crazy. Club girl crazy that is.
Ever since the confrontation with Kenzie outside the restrooms, I’d been pushing myself to at least appear like I was doing better. When really our encounter had left me despondent for days. Hearing myself telling her that she would never be mine had been playing on repeat ever since then. I had known she wasn’t going to be mine, yet when the actual words came out of my mouth to that effect, it hit home and hard.
I spent part of yesterday at my parents’ home. The other half was spent at my grandparents’ house. Wouldn’t you fucking know it, Bane decided to bring Kenzie with him. Of course, everyone had to make a big deal about Bane having a girlfriend.
The day started out with the three of us putting on a damn good front because no one looked at any of us oddly. I think I was the only one there that wasn’t truly happy. Bane and Kenzie seemed different, content. Every once in a while I’d see them glance at me with sadness on their faces.
Bane (Angel's Rebellion MC: #7) Page 12
